Severus and Lily Are Caught Having Sex
Marley and Snarky were weeping very, very loudly with disgust while Neville and Alice-Marie (both staring off into the distance with pained expressions) respectively held them. Harry was completely blank, both in expression and mind, and it was almost as though his soul had left his body.
"Severus Snape swore!" Snarky sobbed. "He swore he would leave a warning for Snarky to see!"
"... we thought you would be away for longer," Severus replied, struggling to maintain eye contact as he felt an intense heat just beneath the skin on his face.
"What were you doing?!" Marley cried.
"Sweetheart," Lily said calmly, pulling her dressing gown over herself more tightly. "Mummy and Daddy were doing... married things."
"'Married things'?"
"Things that mummies and daddies do with each other when they're alone together."
"It's a romantic thing," Alice-Marie explained with a mumble. "Like Han and Leia."
"... ew!" Marley cried as she shuddered. "Don't make 'Star Wars' gross!"
"Han didn't have the Force," Harry muttered. "He couldn't float Leia upside down like Dad did to Mum."
The heat in Severus's face intensified, and he quickly glanced at Lily to see that his wife was tomato-red. "Now," Severus began, "that... is another thing that married couples sometimes do-"
"With magic?"
"No, that-"
"That was Levicorpus," Alice-Marie reminded them.
"I know-"
"Did you make it so you could do a nasty?" Marley wore a horrified expression.
"No, it was for other reasons," Severus said quickly. He opened his mouth to continue, but the shame kept his tongue locked.
"... what were you doing to Mummy's bum?" Marley asked, breaking the silence that followed Severus's answer.
"We-"
"There's poop in there!"
"Aunt Marlene calls it 'buggery'," Alice-Marie said primly, despite the distress she was clearly in. "She says it's degenerate."
"You know I don't know what that word means," Marley cried, this time in frustration. She moved out from Neville's hold and got off the couch. "I'm going to the crack willows," she said with a cracking voice.
"Alice," Lily said, "could you-"
Before Lily could finish her question, Alice-Marie had set Snarky down, stood, and taken Marley's hand, and the two girls left.
"Snarky needs to lie down." Snarky shakily got off the couch.
"Do you need help?" Lily asked as she and Severus moved to help him steady himself.
"BACK!" Snarky screamed. "I know where your fingers have been!" Snarky gave a disgusted look to the two of them before trodding off to the staircase, leaving Harry and Neville alone with their parents.
"... I don't want strawberries and cream anymore," Neville murmured.