Chapter Three ~ Falling
Dib's visits always have a gap of five or six days, always on a Saturday or Sunday. I look forward to them so eagerly, it's all I can think about most of the time. Each time I see him, I grow fonder, until I wonder…
Is this what love feels like?
It has to be, for I've never felt such an intensity inside of me ever before. When I see his face my insides twist, when he looks at me I feel things I've never felt. He teaches me so much, I learn quickly and feel giddy whenever he smiles at me for remembering everything he's taught. I'm getting very good at understanding things in his world.
We have so much fun together. Sometimes he swims in the lake with me while I try not to laugh at him. I am playful, diving under, sneaking up and splashing him. Other times I give him rides across and around the lake which seems to be his absolute favorite activity. He says I'm like a mini speedboat. I love the feel of his arms and legs clinging tightly to my body. I know he is only doing so to not slip off, but I like to imagine he is embracing me. I grow stronger as I get used to his heavy weight and soon I am able to swim very fast with him on my back and I don't tire as quickly. He knows when to hold his breath when I dive under and loves it when I jump out of the water. He's always so thrilled and exhilarated after our "rollercoaster dolphin" rides. His laughter is infectious.
He trusts me.
He brings me many things and I create a trove in my grotto for all of my new treasures. I have photographs and picture books, a shiny thing called a watch that tells the time of the day. I've used up all of the film in the polaroid camera so he refills it for me while being charmed by the pictures I took as I proudly arrange them in front of him.
"This is a blanket and pillow, they make humans warm and comfortable, they're soft and cozy and we sleep with them. And this is a calendar, it tells you the days, weeks, and months in a year. If you like, you can cross off each day with this pen."
He brings me a long piece of shimmery fabric called a scarf, and I find that it is wearable. When he comes I tie it around my chest so I no longer have to worry about keeping myself covered with kelp. I wish I could give him something, return his generosity and show him how much he means to me. He tells me I don't need to give him anything, that I saved his life, and he owes me. I'm just happy for his company.
At night, I lay awake for long periods, imagining what his hands would feel like on me, what he feels like under all of those clothes he wears. I lay on the pillow and blanket which are saturated with his scent, and imagine his voice whispering things to me, sweet, romantic things. How his kiss would feel. I wonder what love making would be like with him, and whenever these thoughts cross my mind, I feel a strong heat in the belly of my tail. Yes, I have a womb and a place for him to enter, but I cannot expose it easily. I have yet to discover how as I am still learning about my body. I feel, I explore.
I have known him for only two moons and yet my life has changed drastically in the visits we've had after I saved his life that night. I feel so intelligent, so happy, I'm maturing.
I'm in love with him. I'm certain of it now. I can only hope with all of my heart that he will return my love someday. But until then, I vow not to tell him. I want no part in swaying his feelings.
As the weather cools and the sun sets earlier, Autumn arrives, changing the leaves and the wind. The month of November brings cold, but I'm used to the drops in temperature. My skin is thick and protects me from freezing. A gift of being half human and half fish. I am warm-blooded, and must breathe air like a mammal but have the protection of a cold-blooded fish, so I can stay underwater for very long periods and can survive even when my lake freezes.
We've never eaten together before, and Dib promises he'll visit me on a Thursday because it's a special human holiday about food. The morning is very crisp when he arrives with a basket and I'm totally intrigued because I know all about human food now from the books and videos I've seen and can't wait to try it.
"Typically on Thanksgiving we eat turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy. Then we spend time with our families and pretend we like each other while making up stuff to be thankful for."
I eat with my hands, picking at the pieces of flesh. I like the taste, and the mashed food has an interesting texture and savory feeling to it. Then he pulls out a triangle shaped something.
"And this is called pizza. I eat a lot of it!"
"This is…stringy and chewy." I am struggling to hold this floppy thing in my hand and it has a foreign taste I can't decide if I like or not.
"Yep, that's the cheese, isn't it great? Anyhow I figured in case you didn't like anything I brought, I still wanted you to be able to have a real Thanksgiving dinner, so I brought some 'mermaid' food."
Dib opens up a small metal container of something and I instantly perk at the smell of fish, but it looks shredded up.
"Voila, tuna for my mermaid!"
Hesitantly, I grab the container and scoop my fingers into the chunky substance. I touch it to my lips and put only the tip of my tongue on it. I decide it's good, and swallow the glop on my fingers. Soon the entire can is empty and my fingers sticky and fishy.
"And these are called sardines and anchovies, they're-"
As soon as I see the pictures on the containers, memories flood back of my childhood, eating them whole and filling my belly up with the delicacies when we encountered them. I snatch them both from his hands and pry off the tops with my newly sharpened teeth.
"W-woah!" Dib stares wide eyed at me as I dump the entire container of anchovies down my throat, my flexible neck stretching to allow for the large size. I do the same with the sardines, savoring the slimy treats.
"You…really like those I take it. Wow, it's amazing you can open your throat like that, like a snake or water bird. And your teeth got all sharp like vampire fangs, how did you do that? I forgot that you bared fangs at me that day when the camera flash scared you, but your teeth have looked normal ever since."
Suddenly I'm very embarrassed, I ate them the way I normally do, but now I'm worried that I've revolted him. What must he think of me now?
"My throat can stretch to accommodate swallowing fish whole, and I only sharpen my teeth in threatening situations as a defense and when I need to use them as a tool. Do you really think that I'm…like an animal?"
He senses by shame and leans over, touching my tail for the first time with his hand. His voice is gentle and reassuring.
"You're not an animal, Luna. You're a girl, a mermaid girl. You're…you're just Luna."
I'm thankful for him.
Autumn moves into Winter, watering the earth, making the nights come sooner and causing Dib's visits to become shorter and more sparse. My heart aches when he departs, and his absence tears at my belly. I try to comfort myself with his reminders. I take photographs, I roll in his blanket, I listen to the "boom box" he left behind to keep myself connected to the world he is in. It has radio, where humans talk about anything and everything. Some buttons play all kinds of music that change every day. There's a compartment with a rainbow disc inside of it, and I discover if a certain button is pushed, it plays music too.
"This CD has all of my favorite songs on it, maybe you will like some of them too. This'll prolly sound dumb since I have so many cool gadgets, but this CD is one of my most prized possessions. Every single song on it has meaning to me."
He left one of his precious possessions with me. I cherish so deeply that he trusts me with it. I listen, I memorize each song in melody and lyric, soaking myself with the essence he's put into each one. I wonder how each song holds meaning for him.
One frigid December evening, Dib visits me after a fifteen day absence. He always arrives on the weekend except for the one time on Thanksgiving. And always, in the mornings. Today is Monday, and I am frightened because this is not the usual routine, I mistake his sounds for a predator and hide.
"Luna…? Are you here?" His voice sounds hoarse, quiet.
My heart nearly bursts at the realization of this surprise visit. As I swim closer, I quickly notice something is wrong.
"Oh…Oh Dib. What has happened to your eye?"
I beach myself, looking up at him. He won't look at me, his gaze is fiercely focused off, and his expression shows distress. He has not brought anything, not even his backpack. He's never come to me like this before. His glasses are intact, but around his right eye is a horrifying purple and black swelling, and his lower lip is split. He holds his arms defensively.
"I got beaten up at skool today."
"Why?"
"Because…I'm me. It's just the way it is. Always has been."
"I…I don't understand!"
He sits on the sand, hugging his knees, pressing his face into them. He's far from the water's edge, he's upshore, away from me. He stays silent for a long while before letting out a sniffle. His voice quivers so badly I can hardly understand him.
"And now my dad's mad at me. He s-says my paranormal work is foolish and misguided and that I n-need to grow up and focus on reaching my full potential. My s-sister hates me, she never misses an opportunity t-to let me know it."
I can feel my heart breaking as I watch the tears stream down his cheeks. I want to weep with him.
"S-so I came here because…I…I don't know. I don't know why I do anything."
He begins to weep softly, and I know in my heart this is a part of himself no one has ever seen. I can't bear it. I clumsily drag myself along the sand, grunting and panting until I reach him. I've never been this far shore, he always comes close to the water so I don't have to leave. My movements on land are so slow that I would not be able to escape danger, but I do not care. He still doesn't see me, doesn't even notice I've come up beside him, he's too upset and wrapped up in his despair.
My hands shake harder than they ever have, my heart guiding my body as I sit up on my tail and gently enfold him in my wet embrace. I'm terrified he'll react, push me away and tell me never to touch him, but his trembling and weeping instantly still. I press myself against him, my heart pounding so hard I'm fearing he'll hear it. But I can't let go.
He stirs, and our eyes meet for the first time tonight.
"Oh Luna…You're so warm."
He returns my embrace and my heart nearly explodes as his arms wrap around me. How I've longed for this moment. It feels sublime, he feels sublime.
"Dib…please don't hurt anymore, please don't cry."
"Luna…will you…can I…hold you for a little while?"
My senses blur and fizz.
"Please…I need you right now."
He lays down, back against the sand, while I curl up as close as I can with my awkward tail. I rest my head against his chest and hear his heartbeat for the first time. It's racing just as hard as mine is. I reach my arm around his chest and savor his scent, his warmth, his breathing.
"Luna…"
His voice vibrates through me as he says my name, it makes me hold on tighter and he reciprocates, running his hands along my bare back. I'd forgotten to wear the scarf in my excitement to see him.
"I…suddenly I don't…I don't feel upset anymore. I…I've missed you. I'm sorry I haven't come back in a long time. I've been…very confused about…stuff. Feelings I'm having."
I'm trembling, for I'm fairly certain I know what he means and it frightens me.
"But…all I know is that…when I'm with you…I can be myself. You think I'm fascinating, you understand, you listen. When I visit you everything else just…disappears. I can leave my ugly world behind and be in this secret world with you. Just you."
I tremble harder, but no longer from fear. Oh, the emotions he can so easily give and take away from me are overwhelming.
"Luna, you're shaking….What's wrong? Do you need to be in the water? Did I upset you?"
He pulls away and looks at me with sincere concern. He reaches out and gently cups my cheek for the first time. His fingers reach through to the twitching fins on my ears and around my hair. He touches me like I'm a human. He held me in his arms. He sees past my fish body. All at once I am no longer able to hold in what I feel and I fall into his arms with a sigh, wrapping mine around his neck. He catches me and runs his fingers through my hair, comforting me,
"You smell so sweet, you know that? Like lakewater but without the scummy, humid smell it sometimes has. Not like fish at all. And even if you did…I wouldn't care. If I hadn't come here that night, if I hadn't almost died falling into this lake…I wouldn't have met my precious mermaid. You're my one and only friend Luna."
Friend. My heart bleeds but I try to focus only on his embrace and not this blow.
Friend. He still does not love me.