Drinny FF

Chapter 22

I've gotten so used to hiding it – the weight of the sadness, the anxiety that seems to gnaw at me from the inside.

When I'm with Draco, it's easier to keep it all locked away, like a secret I don't plan on sharing. I don't feel the need to tell him what's really going on, not because I don't trust him, but because it feels pointless.

What could he possibly say that would help? Draco's not one for comforting words, and I doubt he'd understand the way depression can pull me under, how anxiety twists everything until I can't think straight. It's not his problem anyway. I've learned to live with it, manage it on my own.

The idea of letting him in, showing him this side of me, seems unnecessary. It would only complicate things, make him look at me differently, and I'm not sure I want that. lt's easier this way – keeping the darkness to myself, letting him see only the parts of me that are put together. I don't need to share this burden with him.

That was until Draco had lashed out at me. Did it mean that much to him? Had he really felt like I'd left him in the dark. I didn't know.

I thought about it for a while. To keep him, there was only really one option. And so it happened that, the next day, I approached him in the library.

I asked him if he's got time, knowing this will be a long story. When he answered, I could see the eagerness in his eyes, waiting for me to tell him.

I took a deep breath in.

Ginny: Okay, so…

I cleared my throat.

Ginny: When I was 9… I got diagnosed.

Draco: Diagnosed? With what?

Ginny: Well, it's not like one thing, it's multiple, but anyway. The first one being chronic depression. And… it feels like I'm… drowning. In my thoughts. And it's like I can't enjoy anything anymore, not like I used to. I just kind off feel… numb all the time, trying to find something that'll make me feel something again. Whether it's excitement or pain, that doesn't really matter.

I hesitated, but eventually rolled up my sleeve. The scars weren't too visible, but you could still see a hundred faint, white lines covering my arm.

Draco: You… hurt yourself?

Ginny: I mean I'm clean. I have been for about 2 years. It's just hard to resist sometimes. Like I'm addicted to it. I also, um,… last year, I had almost stopped eating, completely.

Draco looked up from my arm, his eyes big.

Ginny: The hunger made me feel something, just like the self-harm did. I, eventually, developed anorexia. I'm eating better, now. It's just, still hard sometimes. When you're eating it's not as bad, but taking that first bite always get me kind off shaky. I guess I didn't think anyone would notice.

Draco: But I did… I'm sorry for calling it out like that.

Ginny: It's fine.

Draco: And…?

Ginny: And then, I also got the diagnosis of ADD. It's like my head is focusing on a thousand things at once, thinking about everything and nothing, all at once. It's… exhausting trying to keep up with your brain.

Draco: Yeah, I can imagine. Ginny?

Ginny: Yeah?

Draco: I'm sorry for getting mad about you not telling me.

Ginny: Yeah, you should wait with apologizing. There's more.

Draco: More?

Ginny: D'you know what comorbid anxiety disorder is?

Draco: Uhm… no.

Ginny: Okay, well, it's when you suffer from multiple anxiety disorders. With me, I've got social anxiety, generalized anxiety and separation anxiety.

Draco then just stared, not saying anything, but also not looking away from my eyes.

Draco: So, why didn't you tell me earlier?

Ginny: I guess, I didn't want you to look at me differently.

Draco: Why would I do that?

Ginny: Because everyone has. . I guess I've just never been able to trust anyone with this kind of information before…

Draco: What'd you mean?

Ginny: My parents always said no one else was going to know. Next thing I know, my brothers knew. And Ronald being the obnoxious git he is, told Harry and hermoine. Since then, everyone just kind of looks at me differently. Because of the diagnosis, my parents act like I'm not even their child anymore. And my brothers act like I'm some distant cousin of them, staying at the house temporarily. And, though he didn't want to admit it, I think it's part of the reason why Harry broke up with me… So, you know. I was scared that when I was going to tell you, same thing was going to happen.

Draco: I mean, I don't know what to say… I'm sorry.

Ginny: Draco, I told you. It's fine… So now that you know, I promise to tell you when things get bad again.

Draco: And I'll promise not to try and kiss you.

A devilish smirk appeared on his face, which made me burst out laughing. Maybe telling him wasn't that bad after all?

We then sat there for another 3 hours, learning potions, talking, laughing.

When I laid down in bed that night, I felt, surprisingly, … relieved? I guess I didn't realize how much I'd been holding back until the words had spilled out. Telling Draco everything – the depression, anxiety, sleepless night, difficulties – felt like tearing down a wall I'd built for so long that I almost forgot it was there.

I had expected him to pull away or to look at me differently, but instead, he just listened. Really listened. And when I was done, the weight I'd been carrying didn't feel as suffocating anymore. For the first time in forever, I could breathe. I didn't expect to feel this… relieved.

It's strange, but telling him didn't make me feel any weaker, either, it made me feel stronger. He didn't have all the answers, but he didn't need to.

Just knowing that he knows, that I didn't have to hide it anymore, is enough. There's no more pretending, no more faking smiles when all I wanted to do was fall apart. And instead of looking at me with pity or confusion, he just… stayed.