We’ll Always Have Paris, a summer i turned pretty fanfic

We'll Always Have Paris

"Merci Beaucoup." I thank the barista as she hands me my croissant and warm coffee.

It was one of my favorite cafes in Paris. I liked to study and people watch at the tables outside underneath the white and yellow striped awning that extended right onto the street. The striped pattern reminded me of a beach umbrella Susannah used to have back in Cousins. It was oddly comforting. A gentle reminder of her without it hurting too much.

My boots click against the frosted cobblestone street as I enjoy my croissant and coffee. Rain boots and wool gloves were a must this time of year in Paris but I didn't mind. I had grown quite fond of the brisk mornings here. December in Paris is exactly what one would expect. Christmas lights twinkling on every corner. The streets lightly dusted with snow. The holiday markets carrying the smell of roasted chestnuts, freshly baked breads, and mulled wine. Bicyclists in the quiet of the morning splashing through puddles. The Eiffel Tower glistening in the distance, reflecting onto the Seine. It was different from the always sunny mornings in Cousins but I liked that. I liked how different life was here. My heart yearned for something different. Something that didn't constantly remind me of what and who I had left behind.

I use the keypad to let myself in when I get back to my building. It was a few days shy of Christmas and I had the place to myself for the rest of the winter break. My roommates had gone home for the holidays so it was just me all alone in our apartment now. Originally I was supposed to fly home too but the weather had other plans. My flight had gotten delayed by a few hours and ultimately canceled. Due to the time difference, I didn't want to call my mom and make a big deal out of it so I just decided to stay. I didn't want her to have to pay for another set of plane tickets anyways. To be honest, I wasn't exactly mad about it. When would I ever get to spend the holidays in Paris again? This was my chance and I was taking it. Besides, it wasn't like I was completely on my own. A few classmates of mine who lived down the hall were still here and some of us were going to see The Nutcracker tonight. I was looking forward to it. That and all of the other things I had written down on my holiday bucket list. I was going to make the most out of this and I couldn't wait to see what else Paris had to offer.

Before I walk up the stairs to the apartment, I check the mail. There wasn't much in there to grab. Just some envelopes for my roommates with Christmas ribbons and stamps on them. I was hoping my mom or brother would send me something but it would probably take a few days to get here. But then there was something. An envelope with my name on it. I recognized the penmanship immediately but what really caught my eye was the stamp. It was a Christmas stamp of a polar bear wearing a scarf and glasses. I stare at it for a moment then I tuck it into my bag with the rest of the envelopes and I walk up the stairs to the apartment.

I don't open his letter right away. I place it in the back of my drawer where the rest of his letters lived. Conrad had been writing to me for a few months now and I hadn't written him back once. But that didn't stop him from writing to me. His letters always came once a month. Every month. Like clockwork. I knew one day I would eventually write him back. I wasn't trying to ignore him or punish him or anything. I just didn't know what to say or if there was anything I could say so I chose to stay silent and to do the only right thing I could do which was to give it time. Maybe with time the right words would find me. Maybe with time we would all come together again just like Susannah had said. Maybe with time I would finally forgive myself for what I did to him. To Jere. To all of us.

I spend the rest of the day getting ahead on homework then I decide to do something to get me in the holiday spirit. I decorate the apartment to cure my lonely winter blues. I had to make it feel like home somehow. I had thrifted some ornaments from a shop down the street and I set up a mini Christmas tree in the corner. It didn't look half bad for only spending eighteen euros on it. I let a french tv show play in the background as I decorate the place. I was fluent in French now so it was fun to be able to follow along. It was a holiday episode. I pour myself a glass of wine and I pretend that I'm the main character in the show. A strong and independent Frenchwoman living on her own in Paris, reinventing herself every single day. But sometimes real life isn't always as fun as a script. Sometimes reality creeps up on you like the ghost of Christmas past.

I move onto the balcony outside. I line it with tinsel and faux greenery. It would probably be covered by snow in a few days but I didn't care. As I decorate the balcony, I watch the city come to life below me. Couples roam the streets hand in hand. Families laugh together as they swing their children in the air. A photographer takes pictures of a newlywed couple as the groom dips his bride in the middle of the square. Everywhere I looked there were happy couples and I would be lying if I said Jeremiah didn't cross my mind from time to time here. It was the city of love after all. But I also knew this is the way things were supposed to be. I wasn't missing what we had. I was mourning what I thought we had. It, we, just weren't meant to be but that didn't mean it still didn't hurt sometimes. The difference though was I knew it wouldn't always feel like this. I had grown in so many ways these past few months and I wouldn't trade the me I was now for anything. I knew that one day everything would make sense again and I felt like I was getting closer and closer to that day.

When I had first arrived in Paris, I was pretty sure my heart had drowned in enough tears to fill up the entire Seine. But right now? All I felt was peace. The sun dips lower as the day turns into night and I watch the sunset from the balcony in awe. The sky unfurls into shades of lavender, pink, and gold. It wasn't a Cousins sunset but it was still beautiful in its own way. I think Susannah would have approved.

I get ready to go see The Nutcracker later that night. I wear a dress I had bought here in Paris that I had been saving for a special occasion and this felt like the right time to break it out. It was a simple black dress that flared at the waist. Chic and timeless. I pair it with black tights for style and warmth then I put on my boots. I curl the ends of my chocolate brown hair and I pin half of it back with a red Christmas bow. I leave out two strands to frame my face and I smile in the mirror. The look was really starting to come together. I attempt some holiday makeup that would make even Taylor proud. Maroon colored lipstick and some black eyeliner that was Audrey Hepburn inspired. I didn't even need blush. It was so cold outside my cheeks always had a rosy hue to them. Last but not least, I put on my favorite pair of gloves. Ones that I had only worn twice. A black pair with white shimmering pearls on them. My mother had given them to me before I came to Paris. They were once Susannah's and I swear sometimes they still carried the smell of her perfume.

We go out to dinner then we go to The Nutcracker. The Opera Bastille took my breath away. From its high ceilings and ornate details to the buzzing energy of the crowd, it was nothing short of magical. It was the most touching live performance of my entire life. I wasn't sure if it was because it made me miss home a little more (I was one of the Sugar Plum fairies when I did dance as a kid) or if it was because the ballet ensemble was just that good at what they do but it was the best live performance I had ever seen. The live orchestra made you feel every note as it vibrated in your bones and every dancer knew their part as they gracefully danced across the stage. It was one of the most beautiful shows I had ever seen. A night I would never forget.

Everyone puts their gloves back on and they take out their umbrellas before they leave the opera house. It was raining outside which didn't surprise anyone. The weather in Paris could be unpredictable so you learned to stay prepared. I puff out my umbrella as I leave and somebody bumps into me. My umbrella gets caught in the wind and it drives me away from my classmates who are walking in the opposite direction. I chase after it in the crowds of people. My umbrella finally falls. It lands into a puddle and it splashes me. Great. Good thing I was wearing my rain boots.

I let out a frustrated sigh as I pick up the stupid umbrella and I shake out the excess water. I had spent too long on my hair and makeup to let it go to waste now. The night was still young. I look up to see if anyone had been watching and my eyes land on something distant in the rain.

And that's when I saw him.

My heart stops.

Crossing the street in a suit was Conrad.

My umbrella falls from my hands in slow motion, splashing down into the puddle again.

If he wasn't so tall, he would have blended into the sea of umbrellas perfectly.

I was completely frozen. My feet glued to the ground. My heart in my throat. My hair going flat from the downpour of rain. My heart just couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. This couldn't be real. It couldn't be him. And if it was, I was certain that I was dreaming. It wouldn't be the first time I had dreamt of him here. I close my eyes under the rain then I open them again. My eyes adjust and there he was to prove me wrong. It really was him.

He crosses the street in a haste, dodging the rain with the umbrella. I'm hidden in the crowds of people exiting the opera house and he doesn't see me. Not at first. He was all dressed up in a black and white suit like he had tickets to see the show too. He kept looking and turning around in the crowd as people shoved past him near the entrance.

Was he looking for someone?

Was he looking for me?

As if he had heard my question asked out loud, he turns around and that's when our eyes meet.

And for those few seconds, I forgot everything.

It was like the world no longer existed to us. All that existed was each other. Everything grows quiet and still like there were bright spotlights on us in a crowd of black and white. As if he is the sun shining through the rain after months of darkness. I can't look away and I just knew. My heart just knew that he had come all this way just for me. He had come all the way to Paris to find me. I knew it in my bones.

His face is a mixture of relief and pain when he sees me. He lets out a breath and it kills me. He tries to offer up a smile but the smile doesn't reach his eyes. I can see the tears forming in his eyes and I don't even realize I'm tearing up too until I smile back weakly and a single tear falls down my cheek. How long had it been since I had seen that face in person?

I kept waiting for one of us to make the first move. For him to lift his hand like he always did or for me to lift mine but I couldn't move even if I wanted to. I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't even form thoughts. I never thought I would see him again. Not here. Not like this. And most of all, I never thought it would feel like this to see him again. Everything had felt so final after our last goodbye like the next time we would see each other, there would be a mountain between us. But right now there wasn't a mountain. There wasn't a divide. There wasn't hate, anger, or resentment. There was only endless amounts of yearning on both ends.

Without breaking eye contact, he makes the first move.

He moves through the crowd to get to me and I can't feel my body. I can't feel my legs. I can't even feel the rain anymore. All I can feel is the overwhelming and crushing feeling of how much I had missed him. What it felt like to finally see him again after spending so much time apart.

He stands before me and the lights of the city don't even hold a candle to the light in his eyes. I couldn't believe how close he was. That he was really here standing right in front of me. It took everything in me to not reach out and trace his cheek. To not touch the hair falling into his eyes. To not burst into tears and tell him everything and anything. His eyes work hard to read mine.

He hesitates as he looks into my eyes and I can tell he had put a lot of thought into what he was about to say to me. He looked scared like if he fucked this up he could lose me. He looked like he hadn't slept the night before. I imagine him practicing a speech on the entire flight over and it makes me want to cry. It makes me want to take away all of his pain. It makes me want to make it right so he never looked that way again.

Conrad opens his mouth to start and his voice shakes. "Belly-"

There was no need for words. His face said it all. He was sorry but didn't he know that I was the most sorry of all? Didn't he know that letting him go was the worst decision I'd ever made? So I follow my instincts. I follow my heart. I step forward and I abruptly hug him, our hearts reuniting at last. I close my eyes as I surrender to him. He is hesitant at first like he can't believe I'm hugging him but then his arms slowly wrap around me and I'm home.

I don't remember who let go of each other first. I don't remember how long we stood there hugging each other on that street. All I remember is after that moment, we were inseparable.

Conrad keeps me company the rest of that week in Paris. We cross off each famous landmark and item on my holiday bucket list. We go on a holiday river cruise on the Seine. We wander the famous halls and art of The Louvre. We visit the Cathedral Notre-Dame and we take our first picture together at the top. I take him to the holiday markets at the square. We drink mulled wine and hot chocolates at almost every single meal. We go to my favorite cafe for coffee and pastries in the mornings. The one that reminded me of Susannah. The one I had spent most of my days studying and wondering about him. Now look at us.

On Christmas Day, he asks me to open his letter which surprises me. The letter I had never opened. Come to find out it never was a letter. It was two tickets. Tickets to see The Nutcracker. I look up at him confused then I look at the date and time on the tickets. And everything clicks. That's why he had shown up to the opera house wearing a suit. He had planned this. All of it. Even my mother and brother knew. Conrad had been planning on coming to Paris ever since he had heard I was stuck here. He had sent the tickets ahead of time hoping it would serve as an olive branch. That I would show up with the tickets and we could begin again. He didn't know that I had been there that day purely out of fate like no matter what, our hearts would have found their way back to each other. It was so like us to end up at the same place at the same time. It brings tears to my eyes. It was the best Christmas I'd had in a very long time.

We save the best for last. We go to The Eiffel Tower later that night. We had walked past it during the daytime but I really wanted to show him what it was like at night. It felt special to be there on Christmas but it was more special to be there with him. The Eiffel Tower stood tall and proud under shimmering lights. A beacon of love. Conrad and I have someone take our picture under it and we look at each other.

"Merry Christmas, Belly." Conrad says softly.

"Merry Christmas." I smile at him.

Then he looks back at the camera to smile and I decide to tell him one more thing. Three little words I had been holding back all week and I didn't want to hold them in anymore. Christmas had always been special to us. It just felt like the right time to say it. I reach out to trace his cheek and he looks at me.

I look into his eyes and I whisper, "Je t'aime de tout mon cœur."

I knew he wouldn't fully understand what I said and I guess there was safety in that but there was also a thrill and magic to finally say the words out loud. I had been holding in those words for years. His face softens and his expression melts me. Maybe he didn't know exactly what I said but he could feel it. The love between us because there was no denying it. No denying that it had always been love. He suddenly dips me for the picture under the Eiffel Tower and I laugh in his arms. He holds the pose, looking down at me.

And his eyes shine as he speaks perfect french to me, "Tu es l'amour de ma vie, mon ange."

He must have practiced that line on the plane ride over too. It makes my heart swell with love for him and we kiss under the sparkling tower and stars, falling heavier than the snowflakes around us. So no, he didn't give me flowers or candy. He gave me the best Christmas of my life in the city where romance has no starting or ending point. The city where love knows no limits. The city of love. Paris.

And little did I know at the time he would propose to me in that exact same spot months later.

Paris In The Rain by Lauv plays:

All I know is (ooh ooh ooh)

We could go anywhere, we could do

Anything, girl, whatever the mood we're in

Yeah all I know is (ooh ooh ooh)

Getting lost late at night, under stars

Finding love standing right where we are, your lips

They pull me in the moment

You and I alone and

People may be watching, I don't mind

'Cause anywhere with you feels right

Anywhere with you feels like

Paris in the rain

We don't need a fancy town

Or bottles that we can't pronounce

'Cause anywhere, babe

Is like Paris in the rain

When I'm with you ooh ooh ooh

Paris in the rain