Thank you so much for the sweet reviews. I think this chapter will push the count past 500 which is absolutely amazing! Big hugs to all of you! =)
A billion thanks to MelissaMargaret for making this chapter pretty. She's still the fastest beta ever!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or these characters.
Esme POV
I was exhausted.
I couldn't remember a time when I had felt like this. Nothing I did seemed to completely ease my tired body. Carlisle helped me out as much as possible during the nights and weekends, and I napped with the kids during the day. The naps only helped restore my energy enough to make it through the evening, but I still fell into bed much early than I had in the past.
Carlisle attributed it to the season, and I agreed with him. November had been a busy month for us, and December wasn't any easier. After Thanksgiving, and Chelsea and Alec leaving, Christmas preparations began immediately. Not a day went by without some kind of baking, decorating, or shopping plus my usual mommy duties. I usually loved every moment of it, but my depleted energy levels made everything difficult.
My exhaustion didn't stop me, though. There was no way I could miss any of the activities around our house.
Christmas was a new concept for Rosalie and Jasper, and they loved every minute of it. The decorations fascinated them, and they loved helping us with them. Our Christmas tree was beautified by many little hands, which somehow made it that much better.
As we decorated, my mind returned to last year. This time last year, I was mourning over my inability to conceive. But that time of sadness led to one of the best decisions we ever made. Our decision to adopt was first made during our Christmas decorating, and I knew this would always be a special time for me. Rosalie and Jasper were perfect additions to our family, as if they were always meant to belong to us. We had already discovered how much better holidays were now that they were ours, and Christmas would be no different.
Not even exhaustion could prevent me from assuring that this would be a Christmas to remember for them.
One of the most important activities, in my book at least, was cookie baking. Allowing three little ones into the kitchen with me was a risk, but I knew they would love it. I was willing to create and clean a giant mess as long as they had fun.
Choosing the right time for cookie baking was imperative for success. Right after a nap and lunch seemed like the best option. Hopefully the whining would be minimal and there wouldn't be any interruptions.
As the kids napped in the family room, I got our supplies ready and made lunch. Once they woke up and ate, I brought up the idea.
"So…does anyone want to bake with me today?" I asked as I cleared the table.
"What you gonna make, Mommy?" Emmett asked with a wide smile.
"I was thinking we could make some sugar cookies, but we can cut them into fun shapes."
"I looove cookies, Mommy," Rosalie said, lifting her arms for me to hold her. I complied and settled her on my hip. "I make petty cookies, kay?"
"Sure thing, baby girl," I chuckled. "You can make as many pretty cookies as you want."
"Me, too?" Jasper asked hopefully, and I nodded and kissed his head.
"Of course, you can, sweet boy. We'll all make cookies together and surprise Daddy when he comes home. Now you guys need to go wash your hands, and we'll get started."
I helped Emmett and Jasper out of their seats, and they ran off to the bathroom with Rosalie trailing behind them. As they took care of their hands, I preheated the oven and arranged everything on the kitchen table where it would be easier to work.
The prospect of cookie baking kept the kids from dawdling in the bathroom, and in what seemed like no time, they were back in the kitchen. I inspected their hands to make sure they were clean and rolled their sleeves up before lifting them back into their seats and getting started with my instructions.
"You have to pay attention and listen to Mommy, okay? If you don't follow the rules, you'll be sent to the family room to play and I'll finish making the cookies by myself. That won't be fun, will it?"
They all chimed in with a "no, Mommy," and I nodded.
"Good. Now, first, we have to mix the ingredients together."
The three of them took turns adding the pre-measured ingredients to the bowl, and then I would take it to my favorite KitchenAid stand mixer. The mixer fascinated them, and they giggled as the bowl went around and around. Once everything was added and successfully mixed together, it was time for the really fun part.
I was nervous about the next step, mostly because of the flour. I could remember it tempting me as a child, and I didn't doubt that my children would be the same way. Flour was just too intriguing, especially with the mess it created.
"All right, guys. Are you ready to help me spread flour on the table? We have to be careful because it's really messy," I warned.
They watched with wide eyes as I measured and poured a small amount in front of each of them and myself.
"Spread it around," I instructed, inwardly cringing at the thoughts of potential disaster.
Emmett wasted no time in putting his hands in the white grain, spreading it around in front of him almost too quickly. Rosalie and Jasper were a bit more hesitant, but after watching me and their brother, they quickly caught on.
"My little bakers are doing such a good job," I praised. "Just don't…clap your hands," I finished, just as Emmett did exactly that. A flour cloud immediately formed in front of his face as he coughed and giggled at the same time.
Rosalie and Jasper started giggling with him, but thankfully didn't clap their hands.
"Mommy, did you see that?" Emmett asked with a mischievous grin. "That flour smokeded from my hands! Can I do it again?"
"I don't think so," I said as I quickly went around the table dusting the excess flour off of everyone's hands. "Let's save some flour for the cookie dough, please."
They reluctantly agreed, disappointment clear on their faces. But as soon as I produced the rolling pin, the disappointment completely melted away.
"What dat?" Jasper asked in wonder. "Mommy hit da cookies?"
I couldn't stop myself from giggling at his simple explanation. The rolling pin did look like it could be used for hitting things. "No, buddy. This is what we're going to use to make the dough flat so we can make the fun shapes. You can all help me, but we'll have to take turns."
One at a time, I brought them over to help me roll out the dough. They seemed to have more fun moving the pin back and forth all over the table without even paying attention to the dough. I managed to keep them on task, and soon we were left with three sections of flat dough. I placed one in front of each of them before passing out the cookie cutters.
After a quick lesson on the art of using the little plastic shapes, I left them alone, only intervening when someone had a problem. They did well working independently, at least until Emmett and Jasper lost interest.
Since they didn't want to cut out any more cookies, I gave them a little bowl of sprinkles to use to decorate. That held their attention for a while, but when more sprinkles were eaten than placed on the dough, I decided it was a good time for them to take a break. After wiping their hands, arms, and faces off with a damp dish rag, I sent the two of them to the family room to build things and then loudly destroy them. I didn't mind the noise, though. As long as I could hear them, I knew they were all right.
Rosalie, unlike her brothers, was as careful and meticulous as a two-year-old baker could be. She had supervised my baking before, so I had already known that she was interested. This activity just proved it. I was incredibly happy to think about the future and all the opportunities we would have to bake together.
With Rosalie's help, I finished decorating Emmett and Jasper's cookies before placing them on the baking pans. Rosalie made sure everything met her standard of pretty along with asking me about each shape. The selection was fairly simple, with candy canes, wreaths, and trees, and I gladly explained them all while pointing out the real ones in the house.
Two trays of cookies were soon finished baking with the third and final one in the oven.
I lifted Rosalie to sit her on the counter beside the sink so I could clean off the flour, but once she was sitting, she wouldn't let me go. I was more than happy to cuddle with her for a few minutes.
"I love you, Rosalie," I said with a smile, rubbing my flour covered nose against hers.
Before I could pull away, she placed her hands on my cheeks and held my face close to hers as she smiled.
"Love you, Mommy," she said, leaning forward to place a kiss on my lips before leaning back and giggling. "I have a cookie now?"
I heard her question but couldn't acknowledge it. I couldn't do anything but stand there and try to control my trembling lip and tearing eyes. Rosalie wouldn't understand my tears or the fact that she had just made me the happiest mommy ever.
Once I had some control over myself, I gathered her into my arm, holding her tightly as I covered her face with kisses. She giggled some more but didn't resist my relentless attack.
I finally placed her back on the counter after temporarily sating my desire to love on my precious daughter. Some tears had leaked out of my eyes and ran down my cheeks all the way to my dimples which I knew were showing based on how widely I was smiling.
Rosalie noticed my tears right away, though, and frowned as she reached up to touch my cheek.
"Mommy sad?"
"No, sweet girl," I sniffled. "Mommy is so happy right now. So happy."
She seemed a little skeptical of my explanation, but as soon as I offered the cookie she had requested, her bright smile returned.
As she snacked happily, I began cleaning some of our mess, content to just think in silence for a few minutes. It wasn't Christmas yet, but I truly felt that I had been given one of the greatest gifts I could ever hope to receive. Somehow the element of surprise made it even better. I hadn't expected Rosalie to tell me that she loved me today or any other day before she was ready. Carlisle and I told the kids that we loved them many times every day, but we always waited patiently for them to repeat the phrase. They did it because that's what they wanted and not just because we asked them for it. Now Rosalie had finally taken that initiative, and I couldn't wait to tell Carlisle.
Unfortunately, we still had a few hours before he would be home from work. My news would have to wait, but at least I had time to transform the kitchen back to normal.
Thirty minutes later, all traces of flour were gone and three trays of cookies were cooling on racks. Emmett and Jasper had had a chance to sample their work, and they had declared themselves the best bakers ever. I didn't share their exact sentiments, but the cookies were delicious and we did make them together which was a huge success in my book. I knew Carlisle would be surprised when he saw what we made together.
The remainder of the afternoon was spent watching a movie together and coloring pictures for Carlisle. My impatience seemed to rub off on the kids, and by the time we were waiting by the door, they were completely full of energy and running around the room.
When they heard the Mercedes pull into the garage, the energy was somehow kicked up a notch. As soon as Carlisle entered the house, the whirlwind of activity began. Screams of "daddy" filled the room, and hugs and high-fives were passed around.
The whole evening seemed to pass just as quickly. Carlisle played with the kids while I cooked dinner, and then we ate, had bath time, read stories, and finally ended the evening by tucking our sleepy children into bed.
I was beyond exhausted by the time I took a shower and joined Carlisle on our favorite couch. He had cleaned for me, so the only thing I had to do was cuddle into his side and relax. There was a dwindling fire in the fireplace and we were covered with a blanket—it was the perfect way to end a long day.
"Tired, sweetheart?" he murmured into my hair.
"You have no idea," I sighed. "I skipped nap time today to get ready to bake the cookies."
"And they were delicious. I'm amazed that you had helpers that actually…helped," he chuckled. "How did you manage that?"
"I kicked the boys out of the kitchen," I said with a snort, only half joking. "Rose was a fantastic helper, though."
"Well I'm glad you all had a nice time together, especially you and Rosalie."
"It was so much fun." I smiled at the memory. My smile then grew wider after remembering what else had happened, and I lifted my head so I could turn to see Carlisle. "And do you know what Rosalie said to me?"
He shook his head and smiled. "No, sweetheart. What did she say?"
"She told me that she loves me," I choked out as my lip trembled once more.
"Oh, Esme, that is the best thing I've heard all day!" He pulled me closer until I was sitting in his lap and held me tightly as he kissed my forehead. "How did it happen?"
I sniffled my way through the short story, and remembering seemed to make it seem even better. I had never really had any dreams of what the moment would be like, but the flour covered reality had been simply perfect.
"That's just amazing, sweetheart," Carlisle said once I was finished. "I wish I could have seen it."
Looking into his gray eyes, it was easy to see how ecstatic he was, but there was still a touch of lingering sadness. I knew he was patiently waiting for his own moment with his daughter.
I placed my hand on his cheek, rubbing his slight stubble. "She'll tell you before you know it."
"I'm sure she will," he said confidently. "Don't worry about me. I can wait as long as she needs me to. But let's not talk about me. Tell me more about your day."
"No, we should talk about you," I corrected, laying my head against his chest. "How was work today?"
"It was good, not too busy which I was thankful for. I was able to eat lunch with Peter. He's hoping we can watch Sarah one day when Charlotte is off so she can have a break, but I told him that you had been tired lately."
"Oh, Carlisle, but that doesn't matter. We can still watch the baby. I'll be fine." He laughed at my protest. "I'm serious! As long as you're here to help me, we can handle it."
He laughed again and hugged me. "I know, sweetheart. And that's why I told Peter that I would be glad to watch Sarah while you and Charlotte spend the day together. You can have adult time and relax, and the kids and I will have fun here with the baby."
"Of course you think of everything," I said, lifting my head to kiss his lips.
"I'm just trying to do whatever I can to make your life easier. I love you so much."
"I love you, too," I said, smiling before kissing him once more.
He didn't stop with just the one kiss, though. We continued until I was yawning and couldn't hold my eyes open any longer. I hated that I could never stay awake as long as I wanted to. Carlisle and I were missing valuable time together, even if he never complained. He did almost the complete opposite, simply carrying me to bed every night and curling up with me. I hoped a day with Charlotte would be just what I needed to provide a nice burst of energy.
Charlotte was just as excited as me about our day together on the following Monday. Being out of the house without any children or husbands tagging along was a rare thing for both of us. The only time I was ever out of the house alone was when I went grocery shopping, and even then I was always trying to hurry to return home.
But this day was not about hurrying. Charlotte and I had the whole day to do whatever we wanted and go wherever we wanted, starting with a trip to Starbucks.
The young man who prepared our coffees tried his best to flirt with us, making it almost impossible to not roll our eyes and hold in our giggles until we were seated.
"Do you think he knows how old we are?" Charlotte giggled as she sipped her hot beverage.
"Probably not," I giggled back. "And he probably doesn't know that we have perfect husbands and houses full of kids either." I wasn't sure how, considering the beautiful rings that Charlotte and I proudly wore on our left hands, but men were generally unobservant.
"You have a house full of kids," she corrected me. "I think we're going to wait a little while to fill our house some more. I wouldn't want to have two in diapers. One is enough."
I shrugged. "It wasn't that bad for us, having Rosalie and Jasper in diapers. I am excited for Jasper to be potty trained, though. I don't think we'll be buying any more diapers after the New Year."
Jasper had slowly but surely started using the potty. It wasn't as easy as it had been for Rosalie, but he was figuring it out. Emmett was a great helper, and I knew Jasper's biggest motivation was to have some big boy underwear like his brother.
"That's wonderful," she said with a smile. "I honestly don't mind the diapers so much. Sarah's teething now, and she likes to bite. That I could do without."
I cringed and nodded empathetically. I knew what it was like to nurse a teething baby who liked to bite. I was surprised that Emmett hadn't disfigured me.
As we finished our coffees, we continued talking about our children. It was always ironic, in my opinion, that every time we were away from our children, we still talked about them. Of course, talking about them and running after them were two totally different things.
After coffee, we headed to do some last minute Christmas shopping. We were brave to battle the crowds, but it wasn't too bad. There were still a couple of weeks until Christmas, and it was a weekday morning. Quite a few people were there, but we were able to browse and find everything we needed without much stress.
We took a midday break to grab some lunch at a small diner. They had the best sandwiches and played Christmas music over the speakers. It was a perfect place for me to bring the kids during the week, and I hoped I would eventually have the chance.
With our hunger sated, we made our last stop at the salon. It always amazed me how a haircut, a manicure, and a pedicure could make me feel like a new woman, but it never failed.
By the time Charlotte was driving us home, I was slightly fatigued but not how I usually was. I loved my children with my whole heart, but this short break had been exactly what I needed.
"We should do this more often," I said, snuggling into my seat in the warm car.
"Definitely," Charlotte agreed with a nod. "I wonder how Carlisle did today with all the little guys."
A million different scenarios flashed through my mind, but I knew that everything had been fine. Neither of us had received a phone call, and Carlisle was more than capable of handling them.
"I'm sure they had lots of fun. You know we all just love Sarah. They're probably not going to want to give her back."
"So you think Carlisle managed all four of them without any problems?"
"Of course," I said confidently. "The house might be destroyed, but the kids will be fine."
When we walked into the house, I was happy that there wasn't any destruction, at least not in my immediate view. But before I had a chance to investigate further, Rosalie and Jasper came running to greet us.
"Mommy!" Rosalie yelled. "You home now! Come see the baby. You see the baby, Charlotte?"
Charlotte lifted Rosalie into her arms, settling her on her hip. "I would love to see my baby, sweet Rose. Did you have fun with her today?"
"Uh huh! I holded her like my baby and…"
Her voice trailed off as Charlotte carried her into the family room to find Carlisle, giving me a chance to spend a quiet moment with Jasper.
I smiled as he held up his arms for me to hold him, and I immediately scooped him up.
"Hi, Mommy," he mumbled as he placed his arms around my neck and squeezed me tightly.
I patted his back and kissed his temple. "Hello, my sweet boy. Was your day lots of fun?"
"Mmhmm. Where you go?" He pulled back and stared at me curiously but without panic. It was such a difference from before whenever he panicked at the thought of one of us leaving.
"I spent the day with Charlotte and we had coffee." I included the coffee detail just to see his reaction, and I wasn't disappointed when he crinkled his nose as he flinched. Jasper had made the mistake of sticking his finger in his daddy's black coffee and tasting it one morning, and the bitter memory still haunted him.
"But now I'm home so I can play with you," I said before blowing a raspberry on his cheek, making him giggle.
I wondered where Emmett was as I carried Jasper into the family room, but my silent questioned was answered as soon as we entered the room. Emmett was sitting on the couch beside Carlisle, and in his arms was the very smiley Sarah. Charlotte was sitting with Rosalie in the recliner, watching the scene and talking to her daughter in a high-pitched silly voice.
"Mommy, look!" Emmett said as soon as he noticed me. "Daddy's helpin me hold Sarah Beth! And she laughs at me. See?" His proud smile was enough to make me smile in return, but my smile grew as he patted Sarah's belly, causing her to make the sweetest little giggle.
"I see that, Monkey," I said as I sat down next to Carlisle. "Sarah Beth's ticklish like you, isn't she?"
Emmett held the baby until he was satisfied that his "turn" was complete. It wasn't easy to convince him that Sarah wanted to see her mommy, but Charlotte was patient with him. Our kids really did love her so much, and I wouldn't be surprised if they decided to hide her one day so they wouldn't have to give her up.
After thanking Carlisle multiple times, Charlotte regretfully had to head home so she could feed Sarah and be home when Peter returned from work. The kids were sad to see them leave, but the sadness faded slightly when we reminded them that we would see Peter, Charlotte, and Sarah on Sunday at church.
Once it was just the five of us again, we returned to our usual Monday routine, including family dinner. I had been on the go all day, but I didn't mind the trip to Carmen and Eleazar's house. Since she insisted on cooking dinner alone, I was able to play with the kids before we ate without feeling any stress.
After the meal, I was still feeling energized and ready to play some more, but Carmen had other plans.
"Could we have a word with you, dears?" she requested. Carlisle and I agreed, and once the kids were occupied, the four of us sat down together.
"It's nothing bad," Carmen said with a small smile. "It's about part of your Christmas present from us. We probably should have told you sooner, but it definitely can't wait any more."
"Should we be afraid?" Carlisle asked. He seemed to be as confused as me. Carmen loved surprises, so I couldn't figure out why she wanted to tell us about our gift before Christmas.
"With Menny, you should always be afraid," Eleazar said with a wink, earning him a good natured slap from his wife.
"No, you shouldn't be afraid," she corrected. "We've wanted to do something like this for a while, but the timing was never right. As you know, we'll be here for Christmas, but we're leaving three days after to spend New Years with Katie and Garrett."
I nodded but not with total understanding. These plans were anything but new. Carmen had worked it out with Kate when they were here in the summer. I still didn't understand what it had to do with us, but Carmen continued.
"And Eleazar and I have talked about it, and we want our whole family together for the occasion."
"You mean…"
She answered Carlisle with a nod. "Yes. E and I want you and the little ones to fly up with us. We've already bought your tickets and everything, so you can't say no. Merry Christmas, my darlings."
Carlisle and I were both silent. For some reason, my mind didn't want to process the fact that my mother-in-law had just informed us that we were going to Alaska. With three small children.
"Thank you," I breathed once I had some semblance of control over my thoughts. "Carmen, this is amazing, but how are we going to do this?"
"It will be easy," she said with a shrug. "You'll pack, we'll celebrate Christmas together, and then we'll fly to Alaska together. You'll have us to help you with the babies, so you don't have to worry about that. Katie and Garrett wrangle three children whenever they come down here. It will work."
Carlisle grabbed my hand, squeezing it lightly. I turned to look at him, finding amusement clearly written on his face.
"You've thought of everything, huh?" he chuckled before looking over at me. "It looks like we're going to Alaska, sweetheart."
Three smiling faces surrounded me, leaving me no choice but to shrug and agree. "I guess we're going to Alaska."
The rest of the evening was filled with plans of all kinds. The longer we talked about the trip, the more confident I felt. Since the whole family wasn't going to be together for Christmas, it seemed like a perfect solution for us to be together on New Years.
By the time we left Carmen and Eleazar's, the only apprehension I felt pertained to the major packing I would be doing. I had two weeks to somehow get everything ready for our trip while keeping up with the other holiday activities. At least Carmen hadn't waited any longer to tell us.
Once we were home and the kids were tucked into bed, Carlisle and I returned to our favorite couch to snuggle before our bedtime. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't completely exhausted. Carlisle had to work in the morning so he still had to be awake early, but being able to talk for a while without my eyes closing was an amazing accomplishment.
I told Carlisle all about my day with Charlotte, including the flirting at Starbucks. He chuckled and confessed to feeling sorry for the boy since he had a good eye for beautiful women but couldn't tell when they were taken.
When I was finished, Carlisle told me all about his day with the kids. He loved babies, and babies loved him, so there was no question whether or not he had had a good day with Sarah at our house. Our kids had been well behaved and very helpful, and that was nice to hear as well.
Carlisle played dirty though and placed intermittent kisses on my neck as he talked about his day. He knew exactly what it took to get me worked up, but when I tried to head upstairs to bed, he pulled me back down beside him.
"Something interesting happened today," he confessed quietly into my ear as he wrapped his arms around me once more.
"And what was that?" I asked as I snuggled close. "Did you change a messy diaper or supervise a food fight?"
"Yes and not exactly. There might have been a carrot or two thrown at lunch, but that's not what was interesting."
"So what was interesting?" I was having trouble focusing on anything but how perfectly I fit into his arms and how close his lips were to my skin, but I did want to know what had happened.
"Rosalie was jealous," he whispered, smiling against my neck.
I shifted to the side and looked at him with raised eyebrows, but he simply nodded.
"She was completely jealous…of me and Sarah…of me with Sarah. Every time I fed her or changed her or simply rocked her, Rosalie would get this strange look on her face as she watched us. I finally figured out what it was."
"Wow," I breathed as I gave myself a chance to let this new development sink in.
Emmett had been jealous before, but I had never seen that in Rosalie. She really had nothing to be jealous of since most of my time was spent with her.
But this wasn't about me.
She had been jealous of Carlisle and Sarah…as if she wanted to be the recipient of Carlisle's attention.
"This is good," I finally said. "Really good."
"I know," he said with a nod and a wide smile. "And after I noticed, I tried to see if she wanted me to do anything for her, but everything was the same. I can only imagine what was going through her mind."
"I think she's working it out. Her mind just has to reconcile that you're a man who doesn't want to hurt her, and then she'll never go back. Soon," I promised, "soon, she'll be in your arms."
He didn't know exactly how soon I hoped it would be, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise. I had a feeling that Rosalie's gift to him would be his favorite, as long as she went through with it.
"Oh, I have no doubts about that, sweetheart," he said confidently. "No doubts whatsoever."
I pulled his face to mine for a long kiss, and before long, he was the one pulling me up to the bedroom. I didn't protest since I was just as eager as he was. We both knew that I might not have this much energy tomorrow, and we needed to enjoy it as much as possible.
The next couple of weeks passed quickly with every day full of activity. Carlisle and I wrapped all the presents, hiding the ones from Santa in our closet and placing the rest under the tree. The kids were so excited to see them even though we had a no touching rule. They obeyed for the most part, but we couldn't leave them unsupervised for very long.
The house was also as clean as it could be. I hated the thoughts of leaving a mess behind while we were in Alaska, so Carlisle helped me keep everything in order. My exhaustion had returned since my day with Charlotte, but I had to work through it. With the help of Carlisle, Carmen, and Eleazar, I was able to keep up without wearing myself into the ground.
We had told the kids about the trip and explained everything as fully as we could. They had no concept of where Alaska was, but that didn't matter. Emmett was just excited about getting to rid in an airplane. They all knew what that was and chattered about it at least once a day.
The packing was finished as well, or so I thought. Carlisle's organizational skills definitely came in handy for the huge task. Everything that we would need had been listed out, making it easy for me to place everything in a suitcase. But as I made my final check, I realized that we had forgotten some of our basic toiletries.
On top of that, there were a few things I needed in order to prepare Christmas dinner. A trip to the grocery store was the only option.
It was Sunday, and Carlisle was helping Eleazar with some things at the church. The kids were napping, but I knew they would wake up soon. I really had no choice but to take them shopping with me because it couldn't wait another day.
Grocery shopping alone with three children on December 23rd was not one of my better ideas, but it just couldn't be helped.
"Mommy, what we doin?" Emmett asked as I lifted him into the shopping cart at the store.
"We have to get some groceries and some things we need for our trip," I explained. "Now, sit on your bottom next to Jasper. Thank you."
I had only taken the three of them to the store with me a couple of times. Jasper and Rosalie didn't like crowds, so that limited our public outings. There was no way to avoid a crowd this close to Christmas, though. I could tell they were both nervous, but I hoped they would be okay. Jasper had Emmett sitting by his side in the cart, and Rosalie would be able to hold on to me from her spot in the child seat. Since they had just woken up from a nap, I hoped there would be good moods and cooperation all around.
The number of people in the store made navigating difficult, but I didn't give up. Rosalie held on to the front of my dress tightly, not liking the people around her at all. Jasper had Emmett to keep him company, and like a good big brother, Emmett helped entertain Jasper by pointing out everything he thought was interesting. With them entertaining each other, I was able to talk softly to Rosalie and try to help her stay calm. She wasn't close to panicking yet, but I didn't want it to get that far.
Emmett had plenty of questions as we made our way through the store, and I was happy to answer them. A normal Sunday afternoon would have been spent playing, so the least I could do was make this trip engaging.
"What we getting right here, Mommy?" Emmett asked, gesturing to the aisle we were currently exploring.
"Daddy and I need some shampoo," I explained. "We need some little bottles to take on our trip to see Aunt Kate and Uncle Garrett. Do you guys remember where they live?"
"I do, Mommy!" Jasper said proudly, starting to stand. I gestured for him to sit down and smiled once he obeyed.
"Good for you, Jasper. Where do they live?"
"Aaa...laaas...kaaa," he enunciated carefully, just like we had we had taught him.
"That's right," I said, nodding. "And now we have to buy everything that we'll need in Alaska so we don't have to go shopping there."
My further explanation seemed to settle their curious thoughts for the moment, so we continued the current mission.
After getting all of the travel supplies crossed off my list, I was ready to go over to the groceries. But as I turned the shopping cart, I came face to face with a certain wall that made my breath catch in my throat. It was a wall that I had somehow managed to bypass for...I wasn't even sure how long.
How long had it been? One month? Two? The more I thought about it, the more terrified I became...or maybe it was excitement. The one thing I did know was that I had avoided the feminine hygiene wall for much longer than was normal.
"Mommy, look! It's a baby like Sarah Beth!"
I looked over to where Emmett was pointing, and my breath caught again. Putting the pregnancy tests by the tampons made sense, but seeing them made my nagging thoughts become more prominent.
Pregnancy. Was that why I hadn't bought anything from this wall in so long? Was I even willing to hope?
Before I lost my nerve, I grabbed the first box I saw. Ninety-nine percent accuracy seemed good enough, and it was digital. There was no way I could misinterpret that. I placed the box next to Rosalie, knowing she wouldn't notice since she was hiding against me, and then quickly distracted Emmett and Jasper with other displays.
I spent the rest of the shopping trip in a haze, just going through the motions. My thoughts were somewhere else entirely even when I tried to focus on what Emmett and Jasper were saying.
The haze didn't lift once we were home, and as I put away the groceries, the only thing I could think about was the little box that was sitting in one of the other bags. I wanted to think about how proud I was of the kids, Rosalie and Jasper especially, for staying calm at the store. I wanted to think about my list and double check that I finally had everything we needed. Those thoughts weren't allowed to dominate my mind; instead, I could only think of that little box.
My feelings were conflicted. Part of me was dying to take the test right away, wanting to see the results. Another part of me was too afraid, not wanting to chance the disappointment. And the last part of me just wanted Carlisle. I needed my husband to hold me in his arms and tell me that everything would be okay no matter what.
When the groceries were put away, I gave the kids some milk and cookies and turned on a Christmas cartoon for them, hoping it would keep them out of trouble while I took my thoughts and the last shopping bag upstairs.
I took my time packing our toiletries until I couldn't hold off any longer.
I carried the box into the bathroom, closing the door behind me even though I didn't really need to. My hands shook as I opened it, feeling more nervous than I ever had before which surprised me.
When I found out I was pregnant with Emmett, I hadn't felt this way. There were more things to fear then, but I mostly felt resolved. Being pregnant gave me the final push I needed to get away from Charles.
But now, I had absolutely nothing to fear and nothing to run away from.
Feeling silly, I quickly prayed for calm and immediately felt it. With stable hands, I finished opening the box and pulled out the instructions. Most of it seemed to be common sense, so I grabbed a test before I changed my mind.
I briefly considered waiting until Carlisle came home. He would want to be here for me, and I knew he would be supportive no matter what the results were. I couldn't wait that long, though. I needed to take this test for my own peace of mind.
My bladder was full so taking the test wasn't a problem. After recapping it and washing my hands, I just stared at the test, watching as the little digital hour glass mocked my waiting.
After a minute or so, I began pacing the room as I prayed for anything and everything and nothing, all at the same time. There was no question as to what I wanted the results to be, but I tried to tell myself that I wouldn't be disappointed. I couldn't be upset because I had three children downstairs. Three perfect, healthy children who loved me and needed me.
It was the longest three minutes of my life, but they finally ended. I closed my eyes as I picked up the test and mentally counted to three before opening them.
Pregnant.
Without much thought, I turned and slid to the floor, leaning my back against the cabinets. The shock made me numb as I tried to process everything.
I vaguely realized that I was sitting on a hard, plastic toy—one of the many that our children played with at bath time. After a few moments, I looked over at the large toy pile next to the bathtub and just stared.
We had three children under the age of five. The small plastic wand in my hand changed everything for them…for us. Four children age four and under. How were we going to manage…
"A baby," I whispered to myself.
My free hand immediately flew to my stomach and automatically caressed the place where I would soon have a bump. Then everything just clicked and the tears came streaming down my face.
A baby. Carlisle and I had made a baby. We weren't even trying and it just...happened. After all those months of heartbreak, our dreams were coming true. I had heard of other women who became pregnant when they least expected it, and now I was one of them. We were so happy with our life that I hadn't felt the need to have a baby that I had been before Rosalie and Jasper were added to the family. They brought so much joy and fulfillment to us every day, but now God had given us yet another blessing.
I almost felt like laughing hysterically at this crazy turn of events in our lives, but instead, I quickly wiped the tears from my cheeks and turned my attention back to my stomach. I had been aware of this new life for less than five minutes, but I was already completely in love. The baby couldn't possibly be any larger than my fist, but it owned my heart.
"Hi, baby," I whispered as I caressed my belly. "I'm your Mommy, and I love you so much already. Your daddy is going to love you, too. And your brothers and sister."
I spent a few more minutes gently rubbing before scrambling up out of the floor. I carefully set the test back on the counter before looking in the mirror. I pulled my sweater up and turned to the side, looking for anything I might have missed.
After looking from every angle, I decided that there possibly was a baby bump, albeit a small one. As I thought more about it, I came to the conclusion that my pants had seemed tighter lately. I had just attributed it to all the food from Thanksgiving and all the holiday baking we had been doing in the past month. This also explained why I had been so tired. My days were always so hectic from chasing after three kids, so I guess it was possible for me to miss all the signs. I hadn't noticed my period being MIA for a couple of months after all. Gaining a bit of weight had easily escaped my notice, and it was so easy to make excuses for why I was tired.
"A baby," I whispered once more, this time with a giddy smile on my face.
I realized then that I had incredible news to tell Carlisle when he returned. My smile grew impossible larger because I knew his excitement would rival mine. I didn't really want to just tell him though. This was such a big surprise, and I wanted to make it special for him. At the same time, I knew I would feel horrible for keeping it from him when he would want to share in this joy with me as soon as possible.
However, it was almost Christmas. The two of us always exchanged our gifts on Christmas Eve. One day wouldn't be that long to wait, and it gave me some time to plan something. Even though I had already finished shopping for his gifts, this was something else I could give him that he would truly love. We were getting the best gift possible.
I snapped out of my belly-rubbing trance and started cleaning up the mess I had made. I stored the unused tests in the cabinet, not knowing if I even needed to take another one later. The one positive was enough for me with all the signs and symptoms I now realized I had.
One more look at the positive test was all it took for me to know exactly how I was going to tell Carlisle. After I finished cleaning up, I hid the test in a drawer before going downstairs to my study to find a gift box.
I had another present to put under the tree.
A/N: Well, how about that. I have a feeling that most of you are very happy at the moment, so feel free to tell me about it. ;)
I forgot to mention last time, but Perfect Love now has a beautiful banner thanks to the lovely Mackenzie L. The link is on my profile for anyone who wants to see.
Voting is now open for the Sunflower Awards and the Avante Garde awards, and those links are also on my profile.
Reviewers will receive a teaser, and hopefully I'll be on time again next week! =)