Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last conversation. You are absolutely lovely. So technically, this starts with a letter. That's because I originally wrote the letter for conversation 64. But as that chapter started getting larger, I decided to take the letter out and move it. After much consideration, I decided to call this chapter emails five. However, it was conversation 66 for a while. In the end, I felt calling it an email chapter was more appropriate per the rules of the story.
Emails five: Much Ado about Former Significant Others
Dear Laura
I'm sorry I waited until the last minute to write this. The window opens in a little more than an hour. I am well aware I'm cutting this too close. I have been trying to figure out what to say for the last few days. Ever since my other self yelled at me in cross-dimensional email form. That was a wake-up call.
It's time for me to apologize again for how I acted before. I'm not sure you're aware I wasn't mad you went back to Shield when I know you never wanted to go back. You left the Academy for a reason. I'm angry at myself, not you, for going back there. I'm not sure you understood that part.
The fact that it's not the same Shield should mean something. However, after you killed someone, I realized that things weren't that different, and I was worried about you. Instead of talking to you, I decided it was best to move to Malibu for a while. That was wrong, and I'm sorry. No matter what happens, I need you to know that.
When you get back, I want us to work on our relationship. We may decide we're better off as friends, but we need to discuss everything first. As soon as the apocalypse is over, I will ask Dr. Margarita for family therapist suggestions. I am sure you can provide some, but I want to take the first step here.
There is some other stuff you should know first. Other Clint wrote me. Mostly to tell me I'm a fucking moron. I agree with that assessment. Also, that I wasn't being fair to you because of how I reacted after the school incident. Again, I wasn't mad that you killed someone trying to kill little kids. I was angry at myself for putting you in a position where you had to go back and do something you absolutely hated.
If I had stayed out of Steve and Tony's lover's quarrel, you wouldn't have been dragged into this fucked up situation. You were kidnapped because of me. You were forced to return to Shield and finish your agent training because of me. You killed somebody again because of me.
I know it's supposed to be the first time, but I remember why you left Shield originally . You carry that death with you as much as if you pulled the trigger yourself. That's when the drinking started. I don't want you to go back to that place. And I know it's different, and you're different; even shield is different than it was when you quit the Academy.
However, I still worry. I am afraid you will go out there and not return. I thought Phil was gone for almost half a decade, and it broke my heart. I don't know what I'll do if it were you.
I'm sure somebody is sending an actual notification, but I am not Shield anymore, so I don't care. Melinda died today. Although maybe sacrificed herself is the better way to describe it. She did it to get the [redacted]. From what I pieced together from Tony's report, you have to give up somebody you love. So Melinda being her, iced Leo and threw herself off a cliff. Dr. Leopold woke up with the [redacted] in his hand.
This hurts because you know what May means to this family and me. I think she did it to spare Natasha and me. Apparently, this has happened before in the great multi-verse. In another timeline, Natasha and I made it to that cliff to retrieve that [redacted]. Natasha was the one who jumped , and I am the one who ends up with the [redacted].
How do I know that, you may ask? Please read the report about the first time around from Grant Roth, the geriatric time traveler. Sharon's neighbor turned out to be a Steve Rogers variant. It's a lot, and I've only skimmed through it.
The thing is, I think May knew what happened before because of the munchkin that draws the future. Melinda, wanted to spare everybody the pain of what happened the first time, so she sacrificed herself. It wouldn't be the first time I lost somebody because they sacrificed too much for me. You sacrificed your happiness to get me back. Coulson sacrificed himself to protect everyone. It's just lucky we had alien blood around to bring him back. We don't have the option this time.
I don't know how to tell the kids that Auntie Melinda is gone, and there definitely isn't any alien blood this time. Remember Connor kicking me in the shin when I returned from New York because I lost Uncle Phil. Lily was too young to get it, but she is old enough now. She's going to hate me for losing her favorite aunt. I wish Natasha was here, but Melinda made sure she was very far away so she wouldn't go off that cliff. It was even her idea that I go to Malta with the other parents.
I know the team is trying to get you back. There have been breakthroughs on both sides. We have Pym particles. And apparently, the Pyms are cooperating. Everybody is going to Wakanda except for me and probably Coulson. Tony's trying to get him to come here after he tells him. Apparently, he's on his way to do that in person.
Tony wanted me to come to DC for Phil, but I didn't want to leave the kids behind. Not after I have to tell them what happened. I am waiting till tomorrow morning. Most of them are in bed outside Connor, who is playing video games. It's much later here in Malta than in the bay area.
Anyway, I hope to see you soon. I don't want to lose anyone else during this apocalypse. But I doubt that will happen.
I miss you. Come back safe.
xxxx
Purple Arrow: So, you should know that I just read the letter that other Clint sent.
Laura: I want to yell at you for yelling at my husband, but I don't have the energy right now. Not after what he just told me.
Purple arrow: If you can't yell at yourself, who can you yell at. However, I'm glad he at least apologized for his stupid behavior.
Laura: True, but I can't even process that yet. I can't believe she's gone.
Purple Arrow: And yet I am not surprised. May doing something like that just seems like something she would do. She married Steve just to keep K away from Ross.
Laura: Dying to bring everybody else back would definitely be something she would do. Especially because Daisy is among the lost. Along with her godkids. She would do a lot for Lila.
Purple arrow: Even if it's a Lila in another timeline?
Laura: Even then.
Purple arrow: I don't think he expected you to read that until after the call.
Laura: Or send it to you.
Purple arrow: That was probably a quirk of the system. Since I technically wrote it, I get a copy even though I'm not an Avenger anymore.
Laura: Neither is my Clint. He has been retired for the last two years. He sucks at retiring. I'm glad this came early because, at least, he'll get my message that gives him the green light for grief sex with his ex-boyfriend.
Purple arrow: That is true. I am afraid to ask how you feel.
Laura: Numb. Like I can't accept it yet. This can't be real.
Purple arrow: That's how I felt when I turned around and my family was just dust.
Laura: That makes sense.
Laura: I'm not going to be able to go to the group meeting. I can't see May right now. It's too much of a disconnect.
Purple arrow: I get it. It's why I avoided you at first.
Laura: Because I was the wife that wasn't. And she's the May who's not my May. The one that's left.
Purple arrow: Because you were the closest thing I would have back to what was lost. But you're not my Laura.
Laura: And it would be too much.
Purple arrow: Exactly. I needed more time to realize you are your own person.
Purple arrow: Do you think they'll tell everybody on the call?
Laura: No. They won't tell us until Phil knows. They're going to DC to tell him.
Purple arrow: True. I'll let the others know that you're staying back.
Laura: Thank you. They don't need me anyway. Tony already has my phone from the other timeline in hand.
Purple arrow: Then what are you using for this conversation?
Laura: New phone for this timeline. Although, Friday was kind enough to copy all my info.
Friday: I am happy to be of service.
Xxx
Dear Clint:
I already wrote a letter to you and the kids a few days ago that Friday is pushing to Ana. The longest was to Connor, basically telling him not to be a brat. Have things gotten better now that you're in Malta? It doesn't matter because things will probably fall apart when they know that Aunt Melinda is gone.
You have to tell them the truth even though it hurts. I'm an adult, and I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around it. Although, you probably shouldn't frame it as death by suicide for the greater good. I can't help but see it that way. Yes, she did it to ensure we bring everybody back here, but it feels too close for me. Maybe because I'm a therapist, I see it that way.
The important thing right now is to just be there for the kids and Phil. He's really gonna need you. Just so you know, you can be there for him any way he needs you, and I mean anyway. We're separated, but I feel like you need me to spell that out for you. I don't know if comfort sex is on the agenda, but non-platonic cuddling is certainly allowed. Be whatever he needs.
You should know that Friday sent your message to other Clint. I think it has something to do with Friday not being used to having different versions of people to deal with. Or maybe she's decided to employ loophole abuse. She probably realized I needed somebody else to know about the bad news I got. Your message just got here before the window opened. I bet you weren't expecting that. But it's okay. It gives me time to process before everybody else finds out. I hope someone else is telling them because I don't want to.
I'm not mad at Clint 2.0 for yelling at you. I'm a bit annoyed because I can fight my own battles, but we haven't talked to each other for a while. It's mostly been about the kids since you moved to Malibu. We have not used this separation to understand why we're separated again. I agree we should go to family counseling. We need an outside mediator, preferably one with a security clearance. Margarita would definitely have the information.
We've been overdue for a while for a conversation about why I made the deal that I did. Yes, I wanted you home. But I also realized that this whole new generation of kids needed somebody. And guidance counselor Laura couldn't be that person, but Agent Barton could be.
No, I don't like killing people. That's why I left before. It's why I started drinking. It was different this time; it wasn't a small child lost because I made the wrong choice. I saved these children this time because I made the right one.
But also, when Ross kidnapped me, it made me feel helpless. And don't say that was your fault. He is a sick asshole. You're not responsible for the choices he makes.
When I was a Shield trainee the first time, I probably could've taken Ross's henchman out. I couldn't during the kidnapping. Which was part of the reason I wanted to finish my agent training. May made an excellent SO.
I realize I'm probably one of her last graduates. I know she was planning on getting MJ to join. Actually, she was thinking of moving to the Academy now that Steve was back in the good graces of the US government. Not that Steve will take his shield back. I actually don't think he'll take it back now. May was a better fit for what Captain America needed to be now. The type of person that would sacrifice herself to save an entirely different universe.
And yes, this universe needs to be saved. It's a mess. Everybody here has lost so much. And they are trying to move forward. But it's hard when half the universe is gone. But now we have a chance to bring everybody back because of her. I am mad at her for doing this, but I'm glad you're still all right. I'm so happy it wasn't you that made that choice in this timeline. You probably wouldn't have been there since things are different, but I'm still grateful for it.
Anyway, Tony had a breakthrough while I was in Norway getting Thor. All the details are in my other letter; I'm not rehashing it here. I'll be home soon. Or rather to Malta. I love the Malta base. The beach is lovely. We will take the kids there when I get back.
I don't know what's gonna happen with us, but we'll figure it out. Even if it involves your ex-boyfriend staying with us for a while. I adore Phil and want him to be okay, even though I know it will be impossible. We will get through this. I know we will.
To be continued.