Kardassian Standoff

When off duty, Data liked to spend time at the bar in Ten Forward. It was a good place to study interactions among the fleshers. A few seats away sat a blue skin, white-haired Andorian female in the red of junior grade engineering. Their expressive antennae added a layer of complexity to decoding facial expressions. Thelin's face-hugging bob and gently tapered chin made her much sought after. Such superficial attributes were often the basis for incompatible pairing. Another woman approached the bar. Her black dress was sprinkled with gold, accented with black tights and heels. It was . . .

"Ardra. May I inquire what you're doing here?" Enterprise had been released from duty at the Builder sphere, a galaxy-hopping relic administered jointly by Romulus and the Federation.

She sat next to him. "There's going to be trouble, Tin Man. I thought I'd keep it low key until Picard gets himself in enough of a mess."

"What is the nature of this trouble?"

"People are tired of being denied access to the sphere, except for portals no one wants. The Kardassians are willing to go to the mat over it."

"The mat. Ah! A wrestling term. But we have no word of Kardassian movement in this sector."

"I have ears on the wind."

". . .There is no wind in space."

Ardra laughed. "That comes from Viking lore."

Guinan, wearing pale blue, appeared behind the bar. "Well, well. Can't find anyone to play with?"

"Now, now," Ardra chided. "I sense you don't like me. You may speak freely. I won't turn you into a lizard."

"All right. You're an egomaniac driven to be the center of attention wherever you go."

Ardra looked hugely amused. "Oh, Crazy Hat, you are so full of yourself! Every word is a profound revelation from on high. People line up in breathless anticipation of your next utterance."

"Intriguing." Data looked from one to the other. "The opening salvo is accelerated to a full broadside."

"What are you doing," Guinan said, "keeping score?"

"I am merely a student of human nature."

"None of us is human," Ardra said, "especially Crazy Hat."

"You're insane, is what you are."

Data had observed with small head movements. "I disagree. Her responses to date have been proportional and not at all capricious."

"Take that!" Ardra said. "And some of this." She became a hulking Borg drone, which reached its claw toward Guinan, forcing her to back up.

"That was capricious," Data pointed out.

Herself again, Ardra said, "You may be five hundred, but I'm over a thousand years old, little sister."

Guinan put on a bland expression. "What'll you have, Ardra."

"Andorian spice water, like the blue cutie over there."

"Coming right up."

In Guinan's absence, Data pursued the motivation angle. "Does it bring satisfaction in gaining the upper hand?"

Ardra wore a look of mystery. "No one wins these estrogen-fueled tiffs, Tin Man. The fun is in the mud-flinging!"

Just as Guinan returned with the tea-colored concoction, Picard spoke through Data's combadge. "Command staff to the bridge."

"Condition yellow," said the computer's melodious voice. Yellow status lights came on.

"On my way," Data said. "Shall I bring Ardra?"

A pause, followed by a resigned, "Why not."

"I'll race you there!" Ardra disappeared.

Before Guinan could collect the unused drink, a ghostly hand appeared and took it. "Like I said. Insane."

On the bridge

Ardra marched down the incline from the turbolift. "Status."

Picard traded annoyed looks with Riker. "As you can see, we're facing three Kardassians who refuse to answer our hails."

"That is so juvenile." Ardra faced the viewer, which switched to show the Kardassian captain conferring with someone off screen.

The captain looked up in surprise. "How did you do that?"

Picard approached the screen. "Beside the point, Gul Maset. Why are you blocking our path?"

"Isn't that obvious?" Maset glared down from the big viewer. "We cannot accept the risk posed by the sphere. Just because it's in the neutral zone doesn't give the Romulans title to it. Title that you forced them to share."

"If you recall," Picard said, "Enterprise is no longer associated with the sphere. You may take that up with Admiral Janeway."

"We can't get near the sphere because of all the Romulans! And the castoff octagon we were given leads to a quasar galaxy of high radiation."

"Perhaps. Just because initial survey deems a galaxy of no interest doesn't make it so. Invest the time and personnel to do a proper exploration."

The Kardassian looked at Ardra. "Who is that woman?"

"Just an observer, Rope Neck," she said. "Pretend I'm not here."

"Captain," Worf called. "A fourth Kardassian is entering the system at high warp."

Data had just arrived, taking his seat at the helm. "The new arrival is entirely automated. There are no life signs aboard."

"That's right," Maset said. "It's heavily shielded, since no energy is diverted for life support. That ship alone will give you a hard time, Picard. Give us your sphere access codes, or we'll have to take them." He signed off, and his ships spread out in attack formation.

"Red alert!" Riker called. He took his station and punched codes into the armrest.

Picard considered the unpredictable Ardra. "Since you saw this coming, can I assume you're here to help?"

She made a flippant wave. "If I hold your hand, you'll grow complacent. Watch the automated ship. They plan to ram you."

"Evasive course delta three," Picard said, taking his own seat. Enemy hits rocked the ship.

"Shields at one hundred percent," said a confused Worf. "Captain—the automated vessel has accelerated to ramming speed! They have a lock on us."

"Target and fire," Picard said. Rather than red stars, a trio of spinning white stars blazed forth, rapidly diminishing as they tracked the target. They smashed through the enhanced shielding and obliterated the target in a pyrotechnic display that made everyone shield their eyes. "What the devil—"

Ardra looked smug. "The new quantum torpedoes your lab boys cooked up. I borrowed some for field testing. They got the idea from your quarter of that Borg ship you divided up with your enemies."

Maset appeared on screen. "What kind of unholy weapon is this? You got if from one of your galaxies!"

"Not quite, Gul Maset. It's a derivation of the Borg cutting beam. Rather than focus energy on a point, it injects antimatter in a containment field."

"So you knew after all," Ardra accused.

"Oh yes," Picard said. "I didn't expect to be using any of them in combat so soon." It was like pulling teeth, but he got it out. "I suppose we should thank you."

Maset still watched. "That woman is a Q!"

"Hold on!" Ardra huffed. "I put them all back in their playpen."

"I see it now." Maset leaned back in his seat. "You have a private demigoddess to do your bidding. Well, Picard, she can't be everywhere." His ships re-formed and left the sector.

"He has a point," Riker said. "Suppose they'd pulled this stunt on some other ship?"

"Then the other ship would be dead." Ardra sauntered toward the helm. "He's right, you know. Only a goddess can be everywhere."

Data swiveled around. "It is fortuitous that our disastrous first contact did not poison you against us." Picard winced. "I cast no aspersion on your early assessment of her as a con artist, Captain."

"Just let it go, Data," Picard said.

"Well then." Ardra headed for the lift. "That was almost interesting. I was about to try some new drink before those rope necks showed up." She decided to walk to Ten Forward before heading back to Ventax. In the corridor on that deck, she heard running steps behind her.

Counselor Troi wore brown today. She paused to catch her breath. "Ardra, since you're here to help, I wonder if I might impose."

"Of course. You and Tin Man are my favorites."

Troi tried not to look flattered. "Me? How so?"

"That first day on Ventax, at the staff briefing, you were the only one who correctly intuited what I wanted: to be taken seriously. Yet Picard just knew I was fake."

"You tapped into the meeting?"

"We all watched it in the senate, where I conjured a big wall monitor."

Troi smiled ans shook her head. "And to think it took drastic action to force his hand." She put hands to ears. "I can still hear that infernal medieval tolling for eighteen hours throughout the ship. Bong, BONG! Bong, BONG! We were all going mad."

Ardra grinned. "Aren't I an imp? What can I do for you?"

"The captain's birthday is coming up. I thought about that magic coffee cup you made for Captain Janeway."

"And you want a tea version for Picard. That is so cute!"

"Yes, well . . . what do you think?"

Ardra produced the glass mug with wood handle. "Same deal. It refills four times a day; stays hot to the last drop; won't spill."

Troi gave her a hug. "He's going to love it! Of course, I'll tell him you made it."

Guinan came around the corner, looked up, suddenly changed course.

"What's with her?" Troi asked.

Ardra saw a chance to be a real imp. She spoke in a near whisper. "I think she has a crush on me."