Hey, hey :)

I'm back again. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you… I could go on for hours and I still wouldn't be able to thank you enough. Your reviews are always so incredibly kind and supportive, they just makes me wanna smile all day.

You seem to love this story, so I decided to go with the flow and see where it takes me. I hope I don't disappoint you guys.

Just a warning, the procedures in this chapter are very explicit, so be prepared. Okay, now you know.

Enjoy!

PART 5

Jay's P.O.V.

There are no words to describe how I feel.

I'm in pain. I can't breathe. I have no control over what's about to happen. Everyone around me thinks that I don't know what I'm saying, because of the concussion, like I can't think straight.

Hell, I wish I couldn't think. But I can. Which also means that I'm fully aware of what's about to happen. You know, when doctors decide to put you on a ventilator, you're normally already unconscious. You don't know it's about to happen. The only part you're aware of is the sort throat you get after and that's it. By that point it's all over and done with. Trust me, I know. I've been there before.

This time, however, I get to experience the whole thing. You might think I'm crazy for refusing sedation, and maybe it's all because this whole situation is taking it's toll on me, but think about it. If you were in my shoes, wouldn't you be scared?

I'm terrified of going to sleep, because I'm afraid of never waking up again.

I think everyone around me thinks that I'm insane, and maybe I am, but that's the only reason why I don't wanna be put under.

Because I'm afraid.

I've just been moved to the ICU, where I'm gonna be spending the next couple of days. Tied to a bed. A machine keeping me alive. What a wonderful world, am I right? Just three days ago, I was worried about missing the baseball game. Now, look where I am.

Voight and Adam were forced to go home and get some sleep, since I won't be going anywhere anytime soon. They weren't particularly happy about that, but they went with it.

Will's been fussing over me ever since I got here. I can tell that he's just about as scared as I am. Who can blame him? I've been missing, which can't have been easy on him, and now that he finally got me back, I'm about half way dead.

He's trying really hard to make this easier for me. And I appreciate it, I really do. It's just… it's hard. All I wanna do is go home and sleep in my own bed, but that's not gonna happen anytime soon.

Will's standing next to me, squeezing my hand. He's talking to Dr. Rhodes, who suddenly appeared out of nowhere. I don't know what they're discussing though, because of the constant buzzing in my ears. But I can see the worried glances they're giving me.

Dr. Rhodes suddenly transfers his attention to me and says "Are you sure about this?" I'm guessing he's referring to my (from a medical perspective) stupid decision to refuse drugs. I glance over at Will once again, and I can tell that he's torn about what he should do, and I can't blame him. As a doctor he should advise me against it, as a brother, he's trying to be understanding and supportive, but then again, this isn't his choice to make. As long as I'm coherent, I get to decide what to do with my life.

I nod.

My brother shares a look with his colleague, before squeezing my hand even tighter, but doesn't say anything. I can see the tears building up in his eyes. They may not be noticeable to other people, but I'm his brother. I can see them.

Rhodes is the one to speak up again "Okay, Jay. We need to get started as soon as possible, so let me go get everything I need, while Will explains to you how this is gonna go, alright?"

Another nod.

True to his words, my brother speaks up, trying desperately to hide the fear and pain I'm causing him. "We're gonna give you something to help you relax during the procedure, okay?" I shoot him an angry look, so he quickly explains himself. "I know I promised no medication, but this is the only way. Muscle relaxants and that's it. We won't sedate you. That's a promise."

That kinda makes sense, so I nod.

"It could take anywhere from 24 hours to a week for the swelling to go down, so don't expect this to be a quick process." He's probably hoping, that I end up changing my mind about this, but deep inside us, we both know that's not gonna happen.

"You won't be able to speak while you're on the vent, so we'll communicate by blinks. Two blinks for yes, one for no, okay?"

I nod again.

"Jay, don't nod. It's gonna irritate your throat even more. That's the whole point of blinking."

Oh, he wants me to start doing that right away. I can do that. I blink twice.

"Good. We'll also give you a white board so that you can talk to us, if you ever need anything. And if you change your mind about sedation, let me know, okay?" he says, before taking a very long pause. "There's no need to be afraid, Jay. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be with you the whole time."

Since there's no way to say thank you by blinking, I decide to use my voice. That's a stupid decision though, as I end up causing myself to go into a coughing fit, and once again, Will's there to soothe me.

"It's okay, don't talk" he says, before adding "I know, Jay. I know." And it's true. He does know.

By the time my coughs subside, Rhodes is back with a supportive smile on his face. I, on the other hand, am completely exhausted.

"Ready?" he asks kindly.

As ready as I'll ever be. I don't say that out loud, though. I simply lie blink twice.

"Good" Rhodes says "I'm gonna tell you what I'm doing, okay?" I blink twice. "If you want me to stop at any time, squeeze Will's hand twice, okay?" That doesn't help me feel any calmer, but I blink twice anyway. "Let's do this."

There's a lot of commotion going on around me. They lower my bed, so that I'm lying flat on my back, which makes it almost impossible for me to breathe. Everything becomes fuzzy almost instantly and I can hear my heartbeat speed up. The oxygen mask is replaced with an ambu bag, and I can hear Rhodes say something about having to hyperventilate me. And then air is being pushed into my lungs. Once. Twice. Three, four and five times, before the ambu bag disappears and a metal looking thing appears above my face. That's what they call a laryngoscope. My chest tightens in fear. There's no going back now. Someone pushes my mouth open, before the metal thing slides into my throat making me gag.

"Deep breaths" Will tries to soothe me. I realize that I'm squeezing his hand to the point where I might actually break some bones. I can't help it though. This hurts.

"You're doing great" Rhodes tells me, although I'm pretty sure he's lying. It feels like I'm about to choke. "Almost done." Thank god.

An endotracheal tube appears and next thing I know, it's sliding down my throat, suffocating me in the process. And let me tell you, this parts feels like it lasts forever, although it can't be more than five seconds. Why did I refuse medication again? This kinda makes me want to pass out. Never thought I'd say that.

I can't breathe. At all.

"It's okay, buddy. You're okay" Will's voice appears again. God, this must be torture for him to watch. This was so selfish of me-

All of a sudden, the tube's in place and I gasp. I can hear Rhodes say something like 'I'm in', before air is pushed into my sore lungs again. Once. Twice. Thank god, I can breathe again.

"It's okay, it's done" Will says, rubbing his hand over my chest to soothe my heaving lungs. "Just, relax, it's all over."

"I'm gonna connect the ventilator now, alright?" Rhodes announces, before the air is cut off once again. The ambu bag is replaced with a long tube, leading towards the life support machine standing next to my bed. Air appears again, but this time it doesn't make me feel good. No. On the contrary. The machine shoves way to much air into my lungs. It's not a nice feeling whatsoever, so I subconsciously try to spit the tube out. Once that doesn't work, I lift my free hand to try and pull it out.

"No, no, no. Don't do that" Will says, grabbing both of my hands firmly, making it impossible for me to move. "I know that it hurts, but you can't touch it."

Rhodes appears with a piece of medical tape and secures the tube in place. The air is still just as harsh as before. And I'm still resisting it.

"Stop fighting it, Jay. You'll only make it worse" Will says, obviously aware of the fact that I'm gagging and coughing. "Let it do the work for you."

So I try to listen to my brother and relax. It doesn't work right away, but after some time, I can calm down a little.

Will speaks up again, his voice as soft and kind as if he were talking to a five year old "That's it, buddy, you're doing great."

I squeeze both of his hands in response, since that's about all the strength I have at this point.

"Can you open your eyes for me, buddy?" Rhodes asks. Wait. When did I close them? God, I'm so out of it. This is exhausting.

"Jay? Can you open your eyes?" Will asks, with a concerned tone. I realize I never reacted to Rhodes's question. Will must think something's wrong. Okay, I can do this. I try my hardest to blink, and after a bit of struggling, I succeed.

"Good, that's good" Rhodes says, staring at the heart monitor.

"You okay?" Will asks, trying to get my attention. I look him in the eyes and blink twice, earning a relieved smile from him.

"Your stats are looking good" Rhodes announces to both my brother and I "Why don't you try to get some rest? You must be exhausted."

It's true. I am. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm afraid. I glance over at Will who apparently gets the message.

"It's okay. I'm not going anywhere" he comforts me. "I'll keep an eye on you. Rest up."

I squeeze his hand, too exhausted to keep my eyes open any longer. The fact that I've just spent two hours struggling to catch a breath made me extremely tired. I gotta admit, not having to worry about inhaling every five seconds is kind of nice. I close my eyes and let my body relax. I drift off to sleep with the sound of a machine breathing for me.

Al's P.O.V.

I get a call from Voight in the middle of the night. He almost scares me to death as I immediately jump to the worst conclusions. Once he reassures me that both Adam and Jay are alive, I relax and actually start paying attention to what he's saying.

"I need your help."

"With what?" I wonder, pretty much confused.

"Your partner."

Oh. This is about Adam. "I'm on my way" I answer immediately, already putting on my jacket and grabbing the car keys.

Twenty minutes later, I'm standing in Voight's driveway. I'm guessing he's stuck in traffic as there's no sign of his car. After ten more minutes they finally arrive. I immediately rush towards the passenger door and throw it open, only to reveal a pale and unresponsive Adam.

"What happened?" I ask, addressing the question to Voight. He fills me in on what happened in the past couple of hours. Everything from the nightmare, to Jay's respiratory distress, to getting kicked out of the hospital.

"He was screaming his heart out, refusing to leave, until we reached the car. Then, he fell silent and hasn't said a word since. I'm starting to think he's catatonic" Voight quickly finishes the brief explanation as to why my partner's looking like this.

"Okay, let's get him inside" I suggest, Voight already at my side and helping me pull Adam to his feet. To my surprise, he doesn't resist. Although that's not necessarily a good thing. We lead him into the house and then… all hell breaks loose.

He shoves us away and starts screaming something neither of us can understand. I'm only able to catch a few words. Most of them are Jay and fault. We try to get him to calm down in any possible way we can think of, but it's no use. He doesn't hear us.

He starts smashing everything that he can lay his hands on, so we have no other choice than to tackle him and pin him to the floor. The two of us barely manage to keep him still.

"He's gonna hurt himself" Voight says the exact thing that's on my mind. It's true. Adam's having some sort of a breakdown, which was probably brought on by a panic attack. I reach into the inside pocket of my jacket and pull out a syringe. Voight shoots me a shocked look, which I decide to ignore and push the needle into Adam's tight. His screams turn into groans and his body goes lax almost immediately. He's out before you can say Jack Robinson.

"Where'd you get that?" Voight asks, refering to the sedatives, as we both let go of Adam and stand up. I take my time before answering, occupying myself with helping Voight lift Adam onto the couch.

"I always keep them on me, mostly because of Jay." Based on the puzzled look on voice face, he doesn't quite understand what I mean. "You never know what's gonna trigger PTSD… I have them just in case."

Voight accepts that as a good enough reason to keep sedatives in your pocket and gives me a nod. "Now we wait."

It's my turn to nod now. Now we wait and hope for the best, although that almost never happens.

Jay's P.O.V.

It's been a few hours since I've been put on a ventilator, and I'm not hating it as much as I thought I would be. Don't get me wrong, I don't like it whatsoever, but being on it is possible to survive. At least for now.

Every time I try to swallow, I make myself gag, and Will has to be the one to help me calm down. I really don't know how I'd survive without him. I'm also ridiculously thirsty and it hasn't even been ten hours. I don't know how I'm gonna last 24 or more. My throat's also starting to hurt quite a bit and the pain radiating from my chest isn't getting any better, I'm alive though, so I guess I should be thankful.

I've been sleeping a lot. I don't know why I'm so tired, but I tend to doze off after being awake for more than an hour at a time. I can't sleep for long periods of time though, as the tube in my throat makes me gag every time I move. I was also told that I needed to be put on antibiotics to reduce the chance of developing an infection. Apparently, that's extremely common in cases like mine. So now, there are two IVs connected to my arm. One is supplying me with fluids, the other one with antibiotics.

They're trying to keep me as comfortable as they possibly can, both physically and psychologically. A physical therapist came to help me do some exercises in order to prevent me from losing too much strength. As for the psychological part, I'm never left alone. Will's by my side almost all the time, while nurses and doctors are constantly in and out of my room.

Once the first 24 hours pass, Will tells me that the swelling hasn't reduced yet, therefore I'll have to be on this machine for at least 12 more hours. He quickly adds that I'm very likely to be on it for 72 hours, because the ARDS I'm experiencing is much worse than they initially thought. Brilliant.

Right now, my team's here, so Will was able to get some proper food and take a shower. I don't exactly feel like talking to anyone, because I'm tired and my mind's starting to get a bit fuzzy. They seem to be very talkative though, so I try my best to cooperate. I immediately notice that Adam and Voight are missing, which is very surprising, since they'd refused to leave the hospital in the first place.

I can sense that something's not right, so I decide to ask. I write Adam on my whiteboard and hold it up for everyone to see. At first, no one responds, but then Al finally speaks up.

"He's worried about you" he says, before stopping abruptly. Since he didn't answer my question at all, I write a question mark on the board and make an annoyed face, forcing him to continue.

"He's blaming himself for what happened to you. And the fact that you're stuck in the ICU, fully dependent on a machine, isn't helping" he says, before pausing again. "Voight's keeping an eye on him."

Okay, that explains why Voight's not here, but I have a feeling they're keeping something from me. I need to know, so I write down another question.

What happened?

"How about we worry about you for now? You're the one laying in a hospital bed" Olinsky tries to transfer my attention to something else, but I'm not having it. I add two more question marks to the end of the question, expressing my impatience. Dawson's the one to crack under pressure.

"He had a panic attack." What?! Why? Because of me? "They had to sedate him." Damn it, Ruzek. Why are you doing this to yourself?

Nobody says anything after that. About five minutes later Will walks in, so Al stands up and motions for everyone to do the same. "You should get some rest" he advises me.

I quickly scribble some words on the whiteboard, shoving it into Al's hands.

I wanna see him.

Al sighs, before looking back at me "I'll see what I can do, kid." He squeezes my hand before leaving and says "Hang in there, kid."

hree hours later, true to Al's words, Voight and Adam walk through the door of my room. I immediately notice how pale Adam is in contrast to the black bags under his eyes. He looks as if he's about to collapse. Will gets up and announces that he's going to go get a cup of coffee, before looking at me for approval. I blink twice, so he leaves. Voight just about shoves Adam towards me and pushes him into a chair.

"Hey, kid" Voight greets me, so I write a very wobbly hey on my whiteboard. And that's when all of a sudden, without a warning, Adam starts crying.

"I'm so sorry, Jay. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I-" he blurts out in between sobs. "I wish there was something I could do." What the hell's he saying? It's ridiculous.

Not your fault.

"No, Jay. It is my fault. All of it" he continues, completely ignoring me. Man, I wish I could talk right now, so I could tell him off for saying this. "I should be the one laying in a hospital bed, not you. I should be the one suffering-"

"Adam, stop" Voight warns him, apparently noticing that Adam's breakdown is causing me to freak out as well. My heartbeat is faster than it's supposed to be, and the ventilator is starting to cause me trouble. You see, whenever you're upset, you start breathing faster, which is obviously impossible when a machine's breathing for you. Therefore, my inhales and the machine's inhales become out of sync, causing me to start choking.

"Adam, stop it right now. This isn't your fault" Voight tries once again, but is interrupted by an alarm from my heart monitor. He immediately transfers all his attention to me, grabbing one of my hands. "Jay? What's wrong?" He gives me a once over and immediately realizes that I'm panicking. "Calm down. It's okay. Don't fight the vent, let it breathe for you." I try to wiggle out of his firm grip and look at Adam, but thanks to my weakened body, I don't succeed. "Breathe, Jay. Breathe" Voight encourages me, glancing from me to the heart monitor and back.

I give up on trying to see what's happening to Adam, and start concentrating on my breathing. After about a minute of torturous struggling, I manage to match my breathing to the machine.

"That's it. There you go, kid" Voight says and exhales in relief. "You good?"

I blink twice and close my eyes. My head feels like it's about to explode and I can't think straight. My chest feels like an elephant's sitting on it and the air being pushed into my lungs feels like sand. I'm in agony.

"Jay? You with me?" Voight asks, squeezing my biceps, before placing one of my hands on my forehead and gasping a little "Jesus, Jay. You're burning up. I'm gonna go get Will." He briefly turns his attention to the other detective in the room "Adam! Pull it together."

He wipes away his tears and stands up, while Voight puts my hand into Adam's and adds "I'll be right back" before he rushes out of my room.

I realize that Adam's saying something, but I can't seem to understand a word of it. Everything's starting to get blurry and I notice a really annoying alarm going off next to me. Seconds later, my brother appears in my line of sight.

"Jay?!" he asks, before looking at the heart monitor. "Damn it. Jay, can you hear me?" I really wanna answer him, but what was the sign for yes again? One or two blinks? I can't remember. I can see Will slam a button behind my head, before ordering Adam and Voight to leave the room. What's happening? What's going on?

"Deep breaths, Jay. Deep breaths."

Will's P.O.V.

Damn it. How did I not notice this?

I am well aware of the fact that I'm completely useless as a doctor at the moment. My only worry is my little brother who's half way passed out in front of my eyes. Luckily, Rhodes rushes in, saving me from having to be productive and letting me be the worried brother I want to be.

"What happened?" he asks.

"His fever spiked to 103 degrees" I blurt out, still not quite following the rapid turn of events. I've only been gone for about ten minutes, How could this happen so quickly?

"He must've developed an infection" Rhodes voices my thoughts, before ordering full bloodwork. "His stats are dropping" he announces. I glance at the monitors again and notice a flashing red light next to the number 63. Damn it. His oxygen levels are too low. I notice Rhodes change the settings of the ventilator, before looking at me. "Will, talk to him! Keep him awake."

Right. Jay. I turn my attention to my brother and say anything that comes to my mind as it seems to calm down both Jay and I. Wanting to feel useful, I look back at the monitors, trying to figure out how to help Jay, though I never stop talking to him.

I share a look with Rhodes and realize what's about to happen.

He mouths two words to me. I'm sorry. And then he rushes out of the room to get everything needed. Sometimes, being a doctor really sucks. For example, now. I can't fool myself into being optimistic. I take hold of both of Jay's hands and squeeze them.

"Jay, look at me" it takes him a couple of seconds, but he eventually does. Good, he's still conscious enough to follow simple directions. "The mechanical ventilation isn't supplying you with enough oxygen. Do you understand?" He blinks twice. "Good. I need you to stay calm, okay? We're gonna have to place you on something called ECMO, which will help oxygenate your body. Do you understand what I'm saying?" He blinks twice again. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what an ECMO is, but at this point, I don't think it matters, so I decide to leave that part out. "I know I promised no drugs, but we're gonna have to sedate you." Suddenly, he starts kicking around, obviously not happy about what I just said. "I know, Jay. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we don't have a choice." He's still trashing around and his hearbeat gets even faster than it already was. "It's the only way, Jay. You can't be awake while you're on ECMO." He needs to stop freaking out, before he hurts himself. "Try to relax for me, buddy. You're gonna be okay."

He doesn't calm down.

His oxygen levels have now dropped down to 54, which means that he probably doesn't understand a word I'm saying. I don't bother explaining the procedure to him. Instead, I keep a flow of soothing words going until Rhodes returns with a couple of nurses, who immediately start prepping Jay for the procedure. Rhodes grabs a needle filled with sedative and pushes it into Jay's IV line.

"You're gonna be okay, Jay. Just relax. I'll be right here when you wake up." All I can do now, is hope that he does.

That's when the sedative's kick in and Jay's eyes slip shut.

To be continued…

Thank god, I survived writing this chapter. How did I come up with such a horrible story? Is it just me or am I a really mean person? Poor Jay. I kinda feel sorry for doing this to him…

This chapter was kind of all over the place with emotions and actual facts, so I really hope it made sense to you (sometimes, I write things in a manner that no one but me understands).

Again, I'm sorry for the cliffhanger. Some of you like cliffhangers, some of you don't… I can't say I hate them, so I tend to finish chapters with cliffhangers, even if I don't intend to. I'll try to post again as soon as I can, but I really do need to start studying for my finals, or I'm gonna be in serious trouble.

Anyway, I hope you liked it. Please let me know what you thought. It's really helpful when I'm writing the next chapter… Thank you.

Have a great day!

Love, N