Hey, everyone :)
Would you look at that, I'm still alive. I have successfully survived my first semester (round of applause to myself), which is a small miracle, so I'm finally back :)
First of all, I would like to thank every single one of you for all the good wishes and encouraging words. They really made this whole experience a little easier, which was a blessing. It amazes me, how kind and caring you are even though you don't personally know me. It makes me have faith in humanity to be honest. Thank you for being there. Really.
Secondly, I have officially finished all of my exams, and though I don't know the results yet, I can finally breathe a little bit easier, and more importantly, I can finally afford the time to write.
Thank you for pointing out my mistake from the previous chapter ( the title). I went and fixed it.
Thank you for your patience and all the good wishes.
I hope you enjoy.
Part 7
Will Jay's P.O.V.
(Just to clear up any possible confusion; the parts written in italic text are Jay's thoughts, while the others are Will's – hope this makes sense)
"Finally" I gasp, jumping up from the uncomfortable plastic chair I've been keeping occupied for the past seventeen days. I was starting to think Jay wasn't gonna wake up anytime soon, until I finally noticed a spike in his heartbeat.
I immediately grab one of my brother's hands, and squeeze it tigtly, hoping to get a squeeze in return. It doesn't happen though, so I try using words. "Jay?" Sadly, there's no reaction. "Can you hear me, buddy?" No. Still nothing. "Jay? You with me?"
I decide to look at this from a medical perspective and study the monitors for a while. His oxygen levels and blood pressure are within normal range, which is really good, he isn't triggering the vent though. The only thing that keeps throwing me off is the unexplained excitement of his heartbeat.
I reach inside my pocket and pull out the penlight to check his pupils. Maybe he's just dreaming.
Something terribly bright shines into my left eye. What the heck? What is that? And then my right eyelid is forced open and the light appears once again. It makes my head hurt. Now that I think about it, everything's kinda achy. I want to move and find a more comfortable position to sleep in, but I'm just too tired to care.
Good, his pupils are equal and responsive, which is a good sign, though I'm a little worried about the fact that Jay has yet to respond to my yells.
"Jay, can you hear me? Jay!" Still nothing.
What's that noise? Something extremely annoying keeps making my headache even worse than it was before. It's almost like someone's confused me for a nail and is slamming my head with a hammer. I wish there was something I could do to stop them.
Well duh, it must be my alarm clock. I'm so stupid.
Wait, how can it be morning already? I'm sooo tired. Hang on, let me turn put it on snooze for another seven minutes. Missing one of my morning jogs won't kill me, right?
Rhodes rushes in, having noticed the change in my brother's heartbeat. "Halstead? What's happening?" He runs over to the other side of Jay, carefully observing all the monitors.
"I think he's waking up" I supply, not exactly helping with the examination.
I try to reach over to my nightstand, when I realize something terrifying, making my chest cramp up in the process. What's going on?! Why the hell can't I move?! I try to move my hands and feet again, but they don't budge. On second thought, they probably aren't moving because I can't actually feel them. Am I paralyzed?! What the heck? Where am I?
I glance over at the heart monitor again only to realize that Jay's heart is racing way to fast, however I can't seem to be able to pinpoint the cause for his erratic heartbeat. I'm starting to freak out a bit, before I finally realize what's happening. Jay's panicking over something, which is kinda good because it means he's aware of this world, even though it might only be a dream. Well, a nightmare is better than a coma, so I'll take it.
The next thing I realize is that he's not moving. At all.
That's strange. The only actual sign that he's awake is the drastic change in his heartbeat.
Oh my god.
The paralytics must still be in his system. He can't open his eyes, or squeeze my hand, or start trashing around... Being paralyzed or unable to move for whatever reason is very likely Jay's worst fear. He must be so scared. I need to calm him down right now, so I start talking agains.
"Jay, listen to me. It's okay. You're not paralyzed. I promise. If you can hear me, try to calm down, buddy" I instruct him, though he doesn't calm down at all.
What the heck? I should really try to figure out what's causing my paralysis, but honestly, I'm way too tired to put up with this, so I let the darkness take me.
Jay's heartbeat evens out again, which means he's either asleep or unconscious again. Well, that went well. I now know absolutely nothing that I didn't know an hour ago considering my brother's condition. Brilliant. That's a soothing thought. Either way, Jay finally seems to be at peace, so I can't complain.
I settle myself into the plastic chair once again and start counting the seconds, minutes and hours to keep myself occupied.
Jay's P.O.V
I'm confused.
My mind's all fuzzy, and the world seems kind of distant. It's almost like all of my senses are missing. I can't see. I can't hear. Everything feels numb.
Let me rephrase that. Everything feels numb, except for this strange feeling that I have in my throat, though I can't quite figure out what's causing it. I move my hand to try and touch my neck, only to realize something's holding it down. What's going on? Where am I?! I need to open my eyes and look, but no matter how hard I try, I can't force my eyelids to listen to my commands. Okay, different tactics. What's the last thing I remember?
Oh my god.
Am I still in that freaking horrible basement?! I must've passed out from the waterboar-. Wait a second. Am I dead?! What the he-
"Jay?" a familiar voice interrupts my thoughts, but I can't quite remember whose face it belongs to. "Kid, can you hear me?" Okay, that narrows things down a bit. The only two people who call me kid are Al and Voight. Hang on… Does this mean the whole team's been captured? Or have they finally found us? Oh god, where's Adam? "Jay, open your eyes if you can hear me."
Right. The eyes. I forgot about that.
I try to instruct my eyes to open again, and this time it actually works. A second later, I'm blinded by an annoyingly white and bright lighting. Ouch. That hurt. My whole body feels like it has a mind of it's own, so I don't manage to cover my eyes and shield myself from this painful light, and to be honest I'm starting to freak out a little.
"Hey, hey, relax buddy. Just relax. You're okay" the person, who I've now successfully identified as Al, tries his best to calm me down, though he doesn't quite succeed. I open my eyes again and glance down at my hands, trying to figure out what's restricting my movement, immediately noticing soft restraints on both of my wrists.
What the hell do they think they're doing?! Restraining me?! That's messed up. I gotta get out of here. I try to sit up, only to be pushed back on my back by two strong hands.
"No, don't try to move, Jay. Just relax, while I go get your brother okay?"
How the hell am I supposed to relax?! My hands are restrained! As in 'someone dared to tie me down against my will'.
"Stay calm, okay? I'll be right back" Al states and just about runs out of the room, leaving me to struggle against the restraints on my own. I keep trashing around for what seems like forever to me, achieving absolutely nothing. Actually never mind, I manage to make myself sore, so that's awesome.
Will suddenly rushes in, with an extremely excited expression on his face.
"Jay! You're awake" he states, before whispering to himself "Finally."
What does he mean by finally? What's happened? Am I missing something? Now I really need to get out of here.
He walks over to me with big steps, and squeezes my shoulders, trying to get me to look at him.
"Jay? Hey, hey, Jay, relax. You're okay, buddy" he tries to get me to calm down. Well guess what, Will? I'm too busy freaking out! "Can you look at me, Jay?"
What's he talking about? Of course I can look at him. I'm awake aren't I?! It's a good thing I'm the detective of the family, cuz he's not acting so smart right now.
"Jay? Can you hear me?"
Oh, right. I never actually made eye contact with him. Right, give me a sec.
There we go.
I manage to look at him.
"Good, that's good, buddy" he looks relieved. "Don't try to talk, okay? Blink twice for yes, once for no, okay?"
Why can't I speak? You know what, whatever. I can blink if that's what he wants.
"Are you in pain?"
I scrunch my face up, thinking about what to answer, but he cuts me off before I can collect my thoughts and form the correct answer.
"On a scale of 1 to 10 is it worse than a 7?"
Is he kidding? I wasn't hit by a bus or anything. I blink once.
"Good" he exhales in relief, before continuing. "I'll give you something for the pain in a few minutes, okay? I just have to check some things first."
Two blinks. I can wait a few minutes if I need to. Wait. What does he need to check? Is something else wrong? I desperately want to ask, but I suddenly remember him telling me not to talk, so I decide to stay quiet. At least for now.
He focuses on the monitors around me for a while, before turning his attention back at me.
"Do you know where you are?"
Duh, this is obviously Chicago Med. So I blink twice.
"Do you remember what happened?
I'm not sure what to answer to this question. I mean, yes, I remember being kidnapped and the whole drowning ordeal, but I have a feeling there's more to the story. I decide that the correct answer is neither a yes or a no, therefore, I shrug my shoulders and hope Will understands what I mean.
"Alright, give me a sec" he responds, before grabbing a white board from my nightstand and passing it to me. He puts a sharpie in my right hand (which is still very much restrained) and holds the white board for me. "You think you can manage to write down the last thing you remember?"
I decide not to go crazy about the restraints, since trashing around probably wouldn't achieve much, and write down the last thing that comes to mind.
Water.
Will reads it out, before giving me a concerned look. "You mean waterboarding?"
No, dumb-ass. I mean the time we went to the local pool when I was about eight years old. Of course I mean waterboarding.
Alright, Jay, stay calm.
I blink twice.
"Nothing after that?" Will wonders, hoping to get two blinks in response.
I'm pretty sure I passed out sometime during that, so I'm not sure which answer he's looking for here… I blink once.
"Okay" he says, taking a deep breath. "You're suffering from what's called secondary drowning." He takes a long pause, waiting to see if I remember anything. I don't though. "Voight brought you here and you had to be put on a ventilator to help you breathe." Wait what? What ventilator? Thank god I was asleep for that part-
Hang on.
Suddenly, it all clicks to me. I remember feeling like I can't breathe. And I remember Voight and Adam's freaked out faces. I also remember Will telling me that I need to be put on a vent. And I specifically remember refusing sedation. So why the hell was I asleep?!
The blood in my vanes is starting to boil and I suddenly feel like screaming and hitting things.
"There were some complications and you needed to be put on ECMO" Will continues his explanation, even though I don't need it anymore. I can remember everything. "We had no choice but to sedate you."
Right. Sure you did. You could've, I don't know, respected my wishes! I'm seriously starting to lose it.
"You've been in an induced coma for quite a while, which is why you also have a feeding tube in place" he adds, pissing me off even more. "Jay? Do you understand what I'm saying?"
I look at him angrily, which visibly scares him. He glances at the floor, before continuing carefully. "There's another thing..."
Oh my god, what now? Did they have to cut a leg off too?! Or maybe both of my legs?!
"You've been on the vent for over two weeks. That means that you're at greater risk for infection such as pneumonia." Great, that's just what I need at this point. "In order to help prevent that, we did a tracheotomy."
WHAT?! They did what?!
I would've strangled him if it weren't for the stupid restraints, which prevented me from moving very far. They don't stop me from trashing around though. I keep yanking at them violently, which Will misinterprets as me asking about what they're doing around my wrists in the first place. "The soft restraints on your hands were just to make sure you didn't pull anything out when you woke up" he explains, though I don't stop. "I can take them off now."
I shoot daggers at him again, so he quickly unbuckles both straps, with an apologetic expression on his face, letting me free. Finally.
"Try to keep still, okay?" he warns me, but I don't listen. I'm just about ready to jump out of this stupid bed and strangle somebody. He puts a hand on my shoulders, which causes me to go over the edge.
Get off me! Get the hell off me before I punch you in the face!
That's what I would've screamed at my brother if I could actually talk. Instead, I just push his hand away from me and give him the nastiest look I can manage.
He understands what I'm doing and excuses himself, saying he needs to go get something, when in reality, he's just giving me time to think and calm down a bit. Just when he's about to leave the room he adds "I'll be right back, okay?"
Whatever. By the time he returns, I may not be here. Not if there's something I can do about it.
Jay's P.O.V.
Sadly, Will's back at my side, before I can do anything efficient to end my misery. He's giving me a once over with a clearly worried expression plastered on his face. I can't find it in me to care though. This is all his fault.
"-ou listening to me, Jay?" Will asks, clearly noticing the fact that I wasn't paying attention anymore, so I make eye contact with him, only to show him that he can keep talking if he wants to. "Good. Once the sedation clears out, we can start weaning you off the vent, okay?" Yeah, yeah, whatever. We both know that I'm never coming off this stupid thing and that I'm gonna be a vegetable for the rest of my miserable life. There's really no point in lying to me.
"I know you're tired, Jay" Will speaks up again, desperately trying to get me in a better mood. "And the coma did a toll on your body, so try to rest as much as possible, okay?" I don't bother replying, because I can't speak anyway. As if he was able to read my mind, he speaks up again. "If you want to say something, you can try to mouth the words. Most of us can lipread."
If I want to say something? Yeah, like what? Thank you for making me a vegetable?! Thank you for saving my life, so I can spend the rest of it unable to breathe on my own?! Thank you for not being there for me again, just like the time I came home from Afghanistan?!
Yeah, I don't think so.
Will's P.O.V.
I notice my brother's pulse spike again. "Are you okay?" I ask carefully, hoping not to agitate him even more. I know that this is hard on him, but the only way he's gonna get better is if he actually tries. Otherwise, we're all wasting our time.
Once again, he doesn't acknowledge my question, just like he dodged every single comment I've made in the past hour. He simply keeps staring at the wall, pretending that I don't exist. At least I hope he's only pretending.
I decide not to bother trying to get him to communicate as there really is no point. He's as stubborn as a human being can get. He won't express his thoughts until he wants to, so I decide to change the subject and hope for the best.
"If you're able to tolerate sips of water or crushed ice, you should take some. It'll soothe your throat and help you feel more comfortable." He keeps staring, so I take the cup filled with ice chips from his nightstand and step closer to my brother. I put some ice on the spoon and hold it in front of Jay's mouth. "Jay?" He doesn't react, so I try begging. "Jay, please take some." I can't even get him to open his mouth or look at me, let alone try swallowing something that could possibly make him nauseous. I can't get him to communicate with me no matter how hard I try, but I'm not giving up on him. He's my brother. I'm never giving up on him. "Jay, please, let me help yo-"
Before I can finish the sentence, Jay goes frantic. He slams my hand away from his face, before full on shoving me away from the bed. I stumble back and almost fall, before I miraculously manage to catch myself on the wall.
What the hell just happened?
I am too shocked to react. I can only watch as my brother yanks the tubes he's connected to out of his body one after the other. The first ones to go are the IVs, next follows the tube connecting his tracheal tube to the ventilator. Luckily, the alarms go off almost immediately, alerting the nurses that something's up. Just as Jay's about to pull out his feeding tube, Rhodes bursts through the door.
"Will?! What's going on in here?" he shouts, running over to my brother's side. "Hey! Stop it!" he tries to calm his patient down unsuccessfully. Jay keeps trashing around uncontrollably, making his body use up all of the oxygen he had left in his lungs. I notice the oxygen saturation drop to 90, which makes my chest clench up, however I am still completely frozen in place.
All of a sudden, Choi, who must have heard all of the commotion, appears on the other side of my brother's bed, assisting Rhodes. They somehow manage to pin Jay down, before he causes himself any more damage. The red, flashing number now reads 83.
"We need to knock him out before he injures himself" Choi voices everyone's thoughts.
Rhodes nods in agreement before instructing a nurse to go get him a sedative.
I finally snap out of my trans and dash over to my brother, hoping to calm him down before they have to sedate him again.
"Jay, buddy, listen to me. You need to calm down, okay?" He doesn't react in the slightest. I notice tears streaming down his face, which makes me want to cry as well. "I know it's hard, buddy, but you need to relax."
The trashing around doesn't stop, so I grab hold of Jay's shoulders, pinning him to the bed, and just about start screaming in my brother's face.
"Jay, that's enough! Snap out of it!"
Choi reaches over for the ventilator tube, which has yet to be reconnected with the tracheal tube. I allow myself a quick glance at the scary red number, which reads 67. Damn it. I have to get him to calm down before he passes out.
"Jay!" I scream, just as Choi successfully reconnects the tubes, and my brother's chest starts rising and falling once again. Even without looking, I know that Choi's manually bagging my brother, trying to hyperventilate him in order to get the oxygen levels up as fast as possible.
"There's too much resistance" he says just loud enough for me to hear him. Damn it. This means Jay's still fighting him, refusing to breathe.
"Alright, push the sedatives" Rhodes instructs the nurse, which is once again standing beside him with a syringe in her hand.
"No, wait!" I beg, turning to my brother once again. "For god's sake, Jay, stop feeling sorry for yourself and listen to me!"
"Will" Rhodes warns me not to speak to Jay like that, but I know my brother better than anyone.
"No, he needs to hear this" I reply, earning a questioning look from my colleague. "Jay. I know this is hard, but y-" Jay starts shaking his head violently, which makes me shut up. I am about to lose it for real. "Alright, lift him up" I instruct my colleagues, without any explanation. They don't question it and immediately help Jay into a sitting position. I wiggle myself behind his back, so that I'm straddling around him, and pull Jay into a tight hug. One of my arms is pinning both of his arms against his body, while the other rests on his heaving chest, desperately tying to offer him comfort and reduce the state of anxiety and panic.
"Jay, please listen to me. I know you're in pain and everything seems miserable right now, but you can get though this. No matter how hard it may seem." I am aware of the confused looks my colleagues are shooting me, but I don't care. I need to act like a big brother for once in my life. "I don't know what's going on in that head of yours, but whatever it is, I can help you get through it. You just need to let me try. Everything's gonna be okay. I promise you. Please, just let me help you. Tell me what's wrong."
As I'm speaking, I can hear Jay's heartbeat gradually slow down and return to normal range.
"That's it buddy. Just relax" I whisper into his ear, rubbing a hand on his chest to help soothe him. "It's okay. You're okay." I don't know who I'm trying to reassure, Jay or me, but it doesn't matter.
As long as he keeps fighting, we'll be okay.
Jay shifts in my arms, so that he's hiding his face against my chest, before he starts crying his heart out. I start rocking back and forth, hoping to help him calm down faster. It used to help him when we were kids, so maybe it'll help now as well. At least I hope it does. Don't get me wrong, Jay needs to get all the anger and fear out of him, but that doesn't mean I'm enjoying this.
After a few more minutes of sobbing, I feel him relax against my tight grip. All of the nurses eventully leave and we're left alone with my two colleagues. Choi quietly reconnects the IVs that Jay had pulled out, before excusing himself.
"You should try to get some sleep, buddy" I whisper to my brother, only to earn a panicked glance from him. "Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere" I reassure him and wipe away his tears. "I got you."
I keep rocking back and forth, rubbing his back with one of my hands. The tears that I've been hiding for what seems like a century are now streaming down my face. All the fear, horrifying sights, bad news and lack of sleep. It's all coming back to me. And I can't seem to fight it. So I just cry, not really caring that Rhodes's watching me.
"He's asleep" Rhodes nods to me in reassurance after a while and leaves as well, offering me some space and alone time.
I cuddle my brother for hours, offering him support and love, he desperately needs, before I wonder off myself, the exhaustion finally taking over me.
Will's P.O.V.
It's been four days since Jay woke up from his coma, and I'm happy to say that his condition has been improving gradually. He's able to breathe on his own during daytime, only supported by spontaneous ventilation, which is really good, however he still needs mechanical ventilation while he's resting. Just to be on the safe side. I can tel that he's still very frustrated, though I can't really blame him.
He's suffering withdrawal from the sedatives and pain meds, he's been receiving for the last couple of weeks, which is taking a toll on this psychological state. He's often irritable and anxious about the simplest things. It's hard seeing him this way and not being able to simply flick a wand and fix it.
On top of everything else, he's also suffering from serious muscular atrophy, which is why he's going to need to relearn how to do everything again. Eat. Stand. Walk. He's looking at hours and hours of physical therapy, which won't be easy on him. Once he's finally taken off the vent, he might have trouble speaking, which would require additional therapy, but we'll get to that once we need to.
His whole team has been helping with the rehabilitation, especially Adam, who still seems to think everything's his fault. No matter how many times Jay's told him this is not on him, he refuses to accept it. He's been going to sessions with Dr. Charles, and I've heard they're helping him, which is really good. I can tell that seeing Adam feel better is helping Jay as well, and I honestly couldn't ask for more.
Six weeks and many ups and downs later, Jay finally gets to walk out of the hospital. It's been a rough couple of months for all of us, especially my little brother, and his recovery is still far from over.
I gotta admit, I was worried about him for a second, thinking he might give up, but now… Now I know, that everything's going to be alright in the end. It has to be, otherwise it's not the end.
The end.
So, this is the end of Huston, we have a problem. I really hope I didn't disapoint anyone... I kinda managed to confuse myself during writing it, so I really hope it makes sense and does the story justice. I decided against dragging out Jay's recovery and focus on writing something new. I hope you don't mind...
I've been thinking what the next "story" within this FanFic should be about, and I would love to hear your opinion. I have some ideas, but I am open to any suggestions you might have, so pleeeease let me know what you feel like reading. Something on the sickness/exhaustion side, or something on the 'Jay being at the wrong place at the wrong time' side, or something a bit more o the torture side… basically anything you can think of, please let me know. I will appreciate it and try to include it in the next chapter.
Thank you for sticking with me, and thank you for all the kind reviews. I love you guys. Have a great day.
Love, N