"Hey Walter, check this out!" Ralph said as he approached his friend and mentor. 'O Brian turned to face him as the boy held up a small plastic figurine. Raising an eyebrow and chuckling nervously, he asked: "Hi Ralph, err, whatcha got there?"
"It's called a Funko Pop Walt." Ralph explained. "All the cool kids have them nowadays. I thought it would help me fit in." Right as he finished saying that, the legendary chad known as Toby fitted out the door to Scorpion headquarters with a mighty kung fu kick. He swaggered forth into the old workshop and asked aloud: "May I have your attention please?" Cabe Gallo let out a painful groan and shoved the door off of him before regaining his footing, dusting off his suit and asking: "What is it now Toby? Did you finally win big at the casino for once in your life?" Toby chuckled.
"You make me laugh Cabe. HA! But no. In fact, in the casino that is called life, I have not just figured out that the house always wins, but also..." He dramatically took off his aviator sunglasses. "How."
Everybody gasped in shock. "What do you mean by that?" One of Walter's Paige clones he had bred in an illegal laboratory deep within the Congo asked. Sylvester shakily asked: "Are you saying that the US government does not have its citizens best interests in mind?"
Toby rested his hand on Sylvester's shoulder. "Yes Sylvester, in a shocking twist that absolutely nobody in the history of the world could ever have seen coming, the government is trying to relieve its citizens of their basic rights and freedoms in a sick attempt to get more power."
"Not good." Happy stated, before phasing out of existence as a reward for performing her single purpose in this story. "But how do they do that then?" Walter asked.
"Continuous unconstitutional surveillance of personal spaces?"
"Social engineering?" Cabe suggested.
"Subliminal brainwashing via the media?" Sylverster asked, still trembling terribly. Toby grinned.
"All that and worse. So, so much worse. Yesterday, while trying to find a new website to pirate manga and atmospheric, intelligent, slow-burn horror movies, by pure accident, I discovered a vile and nefarious plan cooked up by the White House to work together with both the foodstuff industry and Big Tech to propagate and fundamentally change the diet of the average American- no, the whole Western World to be centered around the consumption of copious amounts of soy, in order to create..."
Everybody stared at him in awe, beads of sweat forming on their bodies and flowing down to their groin areas.
"A National Bolshevik Submissive Femboy Empire"
"Oh hey, I read about that on Reddit." Ralph chirped up. Upon hearing this blasphemous reference to the Unholy Online Cesspit known as Reddit, Toby punished Ralph by purging him from the realm of the living with his laser vision before confirming: "Yes my friends, I'm afraid it's true. But fear not!" He said. "I will personally put an end to this evil plot that threatens the world. And for that, I need my closest ally by my side."
He turned towards Sylvester, who had turned pale as a sheet. "B-but Toby..." he stammered as a bit of feces leaked into his boxers. "I-I can't do this. W-w-what if we are going to get arrested? I don't want to go to prison."
Toby guffawed boisterously. "Oh my dear Sylvester, just by knowing this information, you are very likely to be sent to the deepest depths of Fort Knox, never to see the light of day again." He ignored Sylvester's whimpering and firmly grasped his collar. "Besides, would you not sacrifice yourself for the greater good? Are you ashamed to call yourself an American?" He hissed, flicking an above average amount of saliva in Sylverster's face.
The human calculator gulped. "No Toby, I'm not." He finally relaxed and Toby witnessed a fire ignite in his eyes. "You're right. I can't afford to be a coward. Not now!"
"That's what I like to hear." Toby said. In an incredible display of Sigma masculinity, they shook hands in similar fashion to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Carl Weathers in Predator, only now with the sound and force of a thousand thunder gods. Once the dust settled, Toby placed his hand on Sylverster's shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze. "Don't worry buddy, it'll all be daijobu."
Ignoring the fact that they had leveled the entire building, directly causing their weakling friends who were still present moments ago to perish like dogs, this divine duo dashed over to the Tobes mobile and set course for the White House.
After a while of blasting the sacred psalms of Saint Schuldiner in The Sound of Perseverance at the highest possible volume, they reached their destination. Before the vehicle could grind to a halt, Toby jumped out from his seat onto the pavement, making sure to punch a passing minority in defiance of Allah. Both he and Sylvester jumped the fence and dodged the hail of bullets from the mounted machine guns with great ease before entering the building and making their way through the hallways of the White House. Once they found the way to the Oval Office, Sylvester used his super speed to dash right through the armoured door. Inside, Joe Biden was surrounded by his bodyguard. "Huh? Wha- What's going on?" He mumbled, confused.
Toby entered the oval office after Sylvester and found a handful of heavy assault rifles trained on his person. He let out a devilish smirk before snapping his fingers, creating a deadly shockwave that made the agents' brain matter boil in their skulls, killing them instantly. Puffing and panting, Sylvester got to his feet. "It's over Sleepy Joe! Surrender!" He bellowed.
"What are you... come on, man..." Biden muttered before Toby cut him off: "Cut the crap Joe. We know about your sinister plan to turn the Western Hemisphere into a gaggle of deranged sex pests. Your degeneracy ends here." Biden looked deep in his eyes, still confused. But once he noticed that Toby and Sylvester had indeed figured it all out, his mouth curled into a smile. He chuckled and slowly got up from his chair.
"Oh dear, I've been had, haven't I?" He asked sarcastically. "What tipped you off Toby Curtis, real name Curtis James Jackson IV?" Toby kept his eyes focussed on Biden. Now that he had dropped the facade, there was no telling what he would do. Both he and Sylvester assumed a fighting stance. Biden's grin widened. "Aahhhh, I suppose it matters not." He then kicked the wooden desk in front of him towards Toby and Sylvester. They combined the power of their mighty elbows to shatter the desk in mid-air before it could connect with their faces. Biden, meanwhile, had drawn his signature serrated no-dachi, Masamune.
"After all," he said, looking right at Toby. "You and I already had some unfinished business, correct?" Sylvester and Toby looked at each other confused. "Toby, what is he talking about?" Sylvester asked. "I'm not su-" Toby muttered before the realisation kicked in.
"Of course. So it was you..." he said through gritted teeth. Biden let out an evil laugh that made the ground shake. "Yes! YES, of course! Who else would be capable of destroying your beloved mentor, Dave Mustaine?"
"DON'T YOU DARE SAY HIS NAME YOU FILTH!" Toby roared as he flicked his wrist and materialised his hellfire nunchaku. "You merely pulled off some underhanded tricks to best him while he was down. Mustaine-sama was a man of honour and extraordinary courage, not to mention exceptional skill! You robbed this world of his existence. For that alone, you must pay." Biden readied Masamune.
"Very well. Have at thee!"
He exclaimed, before dashing over to our two heroes. He brought down the blade of his sword to strike Toby, only for it to be blocked by Sylvester's massive arm. "N-nani?" Biden said. The blade had cut through Sylvester's titanic flesh and a bright purple hue started flowing out of the wound, making the flesh around it turn a ghastly shade of grey before crumbling, as was the power of Masamune. "NO! SLY!" Toby said as he caught his hermano in mid-air.
"It's okay Toby." Sly coughed as his life left his body. "Masamune's special ability has a cooldown of 24 hours. You can go and get your revenge now." A single manly tear rolled down Toby's cheek. Just one though, any more would've been considered gay and cringe. "Thank you Sylvester. I will make it up to you one day, I swear." he said as his friend perished in his arms. "Good night, sweet prince." he whispered. Joe Biden chuckled.
"My, oh my, isn't this heartwarming?" He sneered as Toby wiped his face and rose back to his feet again. "But don't worry." Biden explained. "Once I have killed you, you will be able to rejoin your friend again and face the challenges of hell together. Though don't forget..." he said as he raised his sword again. "There was only one man who beat said challenge. And I can tell you for certain neither of you will be able to match my might." Toby did not even respond. He just readied his nunchaku and gestured Biden to attack.
Sleepy Joe complied. "Let's see if your so-called genius can match my millennia of tutelage under Sensei Miles Davis." He dashed over to Toby and brought down his sword. As Toby blocked the attack, the force of the impact made the walls of the Oval Office crumble around them. Joe tried to follow up with an upward swipe, but Toby performed his patented meteorite leg swipe, causing Joe to crash onto the ground, splitting open the Earth's crust.
Toby jumped on top of Biden, unleashing his Barrage of Celestial Dragon Punches upon his vile enemy's chest. Biden's pathetic attempts to soften his erection and stop Toby's vicious attacks proved frivolous. After a while, Toby stopped, thinking Joe would at the very least be down for a moment. Unfortunately for him, he had yet again been fooled by Joe's despicable trickery. Biden used his dark powers to knock Toby off of him, pushing him through one of the last remaining walls of the White House. Toby tried to readjust his fedora, but was rudely interrupted as Joe lunged at him, opened his mouth and covered Toby's face with hydrochloric acid.
Tobes sputtered and spat out the acid, using his holy regenerative powers to fix his face before wrapping his arm around Joe's neck. He stood up and jumped into the crater in the Earth's crust he created earlier and dunked the Grand Trickster's face in the planets molten core. Toby tried to keep Joe's face under, but the latter crystalised his elbow and pulled back hard enough to shatter Toby's jaw. The Profiler was pushed back against a stone wall, knocking the wind out of him. He groaned as he watched Joe stand up, wipe the lava off of his face and turn to face him, his thick chesthair flowing in the wind.
"Sorry, Tobes, but I too possess regenerative powers." he sneered as he ripped off the rest of his dress shirt and trousers. "I will give you this: Mustaine trained you well."
"I told you..." Toby hissed. "To not utter his name!" Enraged, he brought down his fist onto the ground, creating a new volcanic mound on the other side of the world. He jumped up on his feet again. "And I will not rest until I have punished you for what you've done to him and Sylvester!" He roared.
"THEN GO AHEAD! TRY AND KILL ME YOU SCUM!" Biden exclaimed as they both dashed toward each other. At the same time as Biden attempted his heretical Demon Punch of Eternal Decay, Toby performed his aforementioned kung fu kick, imbued with the power of Reverend Bob of the Pants that are Square, the Patron Saint of Martial Arts. Once their attacks connected, the explosive force annihilated all life in the Milky Way, brining forth another ice age that lasted several thousands of years.
After the next glacial period reached its end and temperatures once again started to rise, Toby finally managed to claw his way out of the thick layer of snow. Puffing and panting, he looked around the pale environment surrounding him. Nothing. There was no one to be seen. "Finally." He puffed as he let himself fall on his back. "It's over. I finally did it. Sylvester and Mustaine-sama are AACK!"
He was interrupted by a foot stomping down on his throat. It was Joe Biden. He chuckled and leaned in closer.
"You know? I enjoyed our little spat Toby Curtis." He hissed as he put more pressure on Toby's throat. Tobes tried to claw at Joe's leg, but he couldn't muster up enough strength to get his hated foe off of him anymore. Joe materialised Masamune again. "Unfortunately, it has to end here." He said as he prepared to decapitate Toby.
"Say hi to your weakling master for me!" Joe Biden cried wickedly as he brought down his sword. Toby closed his eyes.
"It's Joever. I'm Bidone." He muttered, ready to face Thanatos like a man, fully expecting the sound of the cursed sword slashing through his arousing body.
But the slash never came.
Instead, he heard a loud crash right in front of his face. His eyes shot open wide and he witnessed shards of Masamune fall on his face.
"M-masaka!" Joe stammered. Right behind Toby, a portal had opened, immense enough to let through the massive form of
"Sylvester?"
The Human Calculator stepped out of the demonic realm back into the world of the living, holding the fabled zweihänder of the lord God: Libertas.
"H-how?" Joe stammered, dropping the hilt of what was once his trusted weapon. Sylvester chuckled and adjusted his glasses.
"It is indeed as you said, Sleepy Joe." He said. "All I had to do, was face the challenges hell presented me with." He slowly stepped over to Biden, who lost his footing and landed on his behind, desperately trying to crawl away from his adversary. "And believe me: the word Hell does not even cover it. But I DID IT." Sylvester spat as he lifted Libertas over his head. "And that's all that matters." He finally said, before plunging the blade through Biden's torso, piercing his blackened heart and tearing it right out of him. Biden let out a horrific banshee screech that deafened the ears of the new forms of life that had spawned during the thousands of years of snow and ice. Sylvester then turned around to face Toby, who was still recovering.
"I'm sorry I took so long Toby." he said with a smile on his face as he extended his hand. "Would you please at least take the honour of finishing this?"
Coughing, Toby firmly grasped his friend's hand and got to his feet.
"Oh Sly, you beautiful bastard. You arrived just in time. I knew I could count on you. Now..." He walked past Sylvester over to Biden.
"Joseph Robinette 'dank memes' Biden jr. For your crimes against humanity and the multiverse, by the power vested in me by the Elder Gods, I hereby declare you a sussy baka and sentence you to death. Any final words before you receive your righteous and divine punishment?"
Joe spat out a mouthful of blood. "Can I say the N-word?"
"You may. In the afterlife, that is." Toby concurred, before he stretched out his hand and curled his fingers around Joe's face, activating the suckers on his fingers to drain Joe of his life essence. While sputtering out a last slew of forbidden curses, Joe Biden was removed from this mortal coil, never to bother any sacred being of Christ again. Once he was done, Toby tossed the dried up corpse of what used to be his arch nemesis to the side and fell to the floor.
"TOBY!" He vaguely heard Sylvester scream in the distance. Toby just panted.
"Are you proud of me Master?" He muttered under his breath. In front of him, he vaguely recognised the shape of his mentor, Dave Mustaine, who smiled at him.
"You bet your ass I am." He said as he extended his hand and pet Toby on his head. "If not, I would've kicked your ass by now." Toby smiled. "Thanks. I'm just... so... glad." Then finally, Tobes fell into a deep slumber.
Sylvester dragged him back to the ruin that was once Scorpion headquarters to nurse him back to health. It took quite a while though, long enough for life on Earth to restart. Once Toby finally regained conscience, the world as he knew it had almost entirely returned to normal. He and Sylvester celebrated their victory with several weeks of totally platonic and completely heterosexual anal sex (they said "No homo" afterward), before taking the reins of human society and leading it into several millennia of prosperity, until they both died peacefully in their sleep, leaving the world in the hands of their apprentice, Nicolas Cage.