Chapter 1: A Prolonged Residue of Yearning; T
Rated M for violence (some scenes may be sensitive for users (not much gore), sensitive subjects (death, substance abuse, suicide) and of course what is a South Park fic without profanity (only slurs will be censored)
p.s: if more warnings come up i'll post it in that chapter
if you have read my other book, "Sepulchre Requiem", you'll notice this is much more fast paced/less detailed because this is mainly like multiple mini oneshots into one whole thing
this is (Kenny / Craig)
(Crenny is like my fav other than (Damien & Gregory / Christophe) LOL)
hope you enjoy though!
0o -,./3.,- o0
"See you tomorrow!" He chirped with ecstasy, seemingly not off of his high.
As Craig looked ahead with a small smile, entranced by the boy. He sensed a fulfilling emotion as he raised his hand up slowly. But the other did not see his cold heart slowly melt before his eyes.
If only he had shown his feelings sooner before he watched his lover get rammed into by a truck; then maybe he would've seen him smile for the first time.
…
Taking the pack out of his pocket and dragging his hand to hover over the cigarette with a lighter, he sparks a light, it flares in the grey darkening sky. As the embers of fire embrace the paper mache he inhales the burning scent.
Pushing the cylinder shape between his lips he slowly takes a drag, inhaling the toxic fumes, and feeling the smooth acid build up in his lungs, he takes a sharp breath. The slowly rising burning smell of smoke lingers in the air and he slowly releases a breath. A small puff of smoke bubbles around the area, the distinct intoxicating smell gives him a sense of a high.
The all too familiar incense felt soothing, enrapturing him in a daze of pure bliss though it reeked of a stale odour that stained the air. Craig sighed in relief, finding consolation to fill him as the sweet fragrance brought him an ecstatic mind numbing sensation. Taking him on a trip where reality didn't exist.
As he leans against the run-down wooden bench, the cracks with splintered wood pricks him in an unpleasant way, yet he doesn't seem to care. It was because he was gone.
Heaving a sigh, Craig raises himself off of the broken bench. It creaks, quietly echoing in the small proximity. He looks to his left, down a road where the asphalt would eventually lead nowhere. He looks to his right, an abandoned train track is in his view, and his lover's house in his sight.
Feeling an immense amount of guilt overwhelm him, he bitterly turns his head away, involuntarily dropping it as he silently stares at his roughened dirtied white converse. The strings were loose once again, the ends falling apart, thread by thread.
Bending down while leaning onto his left knee he used his index and thumb to pinch the loose end, pulling it apart as it fluttered lightly in the wind before being pushed down by gravity. He grits his teeth, his jaw clenched as he quickly closes his eyes, a numbing pain hits his chest, a feeling he didn't know he contained.
Releasing a breath he hadn't known he had held, he slowly opens his eyes again. Wishing that everything would just stop.
Standing up after he had redone his laces he looked over his shoulder, at the house where it had all started. The clouds are grey with melancholic emotions holding deep within their soft puffy cotton.
With a bittersweet fervour, his small frown opens. His glossy eyes never disconnect with the ever growing distant house.
"I'm sorry.."
The boy in the blue chullo hat walks away, leaving only the wind to whistle and accompany the now hushed town, as it bathes in the darkening skies which could only mourn so much for a single loss.
…
Waking up with swollen, groggy eyes, his irises are laced with concern as he flickers his eyes across his empty dark room. He lifts his hand to softly press against his damp cheek.
'It happened again', is what he thought. Lowering his hand towards his duvet, he stared solemnly at his tear drenched palm.
Confusion fills him as he silently wipes his tired eyes, heavy with exhaustion and an unknowing emotion of dread.
His arms, which are numb and tingly, reach towards his nightstand to grab a medicine bottle containing pills. He pops the bottle open, his hazy sight eyeing the tablets as he lazily stuffed his mouth with a pill before he clamped his lips together and dryly swallowed its contents.
The taste is bitter and unpleasant as it lingers on his tongue, he winces before laying his head back down onto his pillow.
A day has passed since this uncomfortable restlessness has settled in his heart, in his mind, in his body. Without any answers to his sadness he could only mourn with his emotions. A hole with no light, no resolve.
He doesn't remember what had brought this pain upon him, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't see or feel what had numbed him so badly. Each passing hour felt harder, pressuring him into actively consuming more medications to either lull his pain away or keep him awake to not make him fall into what seemed like a coma.
A knock to his door disturbs his silent pondering mind. He doesn't respond.
The knock strengthens, causing a deafening echo to reverberate through the thin walls of his home, "Craig, you need to open this door this instant!" His father yelled out, slamming his fist hardly onto the door.
Craig doesn't respond, instead he blankly stares at the door, with a hollow and empty look.
"You're missing a lot of school. Sooner or later you'll be suspended." His mother resounded, shuffling anxiously on her feet for any sort of reply from her son.
He didn't care, he couldn't care. It felt like his heart was being ripped out of his insides. It crippled himself in a paralysation of anxiety. The last of his sanity dripping away down a path he couldn't cross.
"Forget him. He wants to be a disappointment? Let him."
"Thomas!" His mother yelled with surprise. Her voice held a tone of disgust.
His father walks away from the scene, evident with the ever growing distant footsteps between him and his son's room.
His mother yells to his father before they both end up screaming profanities towards each other. The sounds muffling into the distance of Craig's head once they travelled far back to their respective rooms.
With sluggish movements, he compels himself to get up. Forcing his achy, numb legs to hang over his bed, he groaned. He gets up and holds his dizzy head, the world swirling for a moment as blood rushes everywhere. Leaving him light headed and longing for resolvement.
Finding somewhere in himself the motivation to continue on with his saddening pain, he struts towards his bathroom door and swings it open. Letting the creaky rusted hinges scrape and screech. He turned his head, revealing his reflection, it displayed a broken and scattered image of himself.
Sighing with no relief or sense of gratification he only leans his weight against the counter, feeling the palm of his hands press against the granite. He pushes himself off of it, letting himself back into the wall behind him.
He sighed, staring far into the blindingly white bright lights in his stained bathroom.
Whether it was his hair, which was sticky with grease, or his life, tainted with cease. There wasn't anything that was clean about him, there wasn't anything that he could be proud of. He was bound to disappear, in a pile of nothingness, in a pile with no meaning towards the existence of life.
He was the antithetical part of happiness. A blob that was linked to sorrow and sadness, lacking emotions to properly comprehend joy.
And yet, he couldn't find the answers, the reasons, or the root to why it was all crashing down on him at this moment.
Wiping his swollen red eyes with his worn out sleeve he exhales a shaky breath from all of his hyperventilated whimpers. He sniffles, breathing in the stench of a repulsed odour. Looking towards his shower which has not been used in a while he strips himself of his clothes and enters the area.
He twists the knob of the shower, the water sprays against his burning skin, the conflicting cold water contradicting his body heat.
Shivering against the temperature, his lip quivers as he swiftly bends the knob towards the left. He lets himself slowly adjust to the warm changing temperature of the water.
The water clings and latches onto his glossy hair and oily skin, slowly he reaches for the soaps and shampoos before quickly refreshing himself to the contentment of his current solitude.
A quiet 'splosh' filters the room as his head hangs down, tears spilling out of his eyes as his mouth quivered, drool carelessly flowing out of his mouth. His eyes hurt as tears coursed down his cheeks, leaving a staining salty touch to his skin.
He cries his heart out, his quiet groans and wails drowned out by the loud drain swallowing the mixture of water, tears, drool, and his hope for himself.
He bends down, kneeling as he holds his head in his hands, it pangs his brain, mentally disorienting him from the world, what was the truth? What was the reasoning behind his emotions? Why, why, why.
When would this all end, when could he live normally?
If only he did live normally.
…
Brushing his hair with the towel it briskly creates friction between his now slick hair. Hanging the towel back onto the rack he steps out of the restroom, making sure to fix himself a pair of pants and a loose t-shirt.
He eyes the mirror, the corners of his scleras a mixture of pink and red. His eyes were bloodshot.
He shakes his head and walks towards his door, yanking a blue and yellow object off of his desk he shoves it carelessly onto his head and struts out of his room. The painted wall distracts him for a moment, he stands cluelessly eyeing his surroundings as he looks towards the ends of each hallway.
He inhales a breath, never realising how scared he was for only stepping out of his room.
That wasn't the reason he was scared.
He walks down the steps and enters the living room, where his father sat, arm hung over on the couch as he mindlessly watches the television, displaying some form of adult entertainment.
Craig prays to who knows for the floorboards to not creak as he expends his weight, distributing as less as he could across the ground. With a bit of a struggle he quickly bolts for the door, whipping it open he closes it loudly.
BANG
He knew he would get scolded after, but what else did he have to lose other than his life?
He ran, to the end of the road, to the end of the town, to the end of the world for no specific reason why.
Heaving heavy breaths he kneels onto his knees, restless, careless. But to no avail of further resolvement he resorts to mindlessly walking down the streets of his isolated town.
He looks around wondering how anyone could live on with such dread.
He walks down the streets looking at the happy people passing on by, yet he doesn't cling onto their understanding of the world. Onto their understanding of happiness, if happiness was even considered something to enjoy.
He only dreadfully stares at them with such pity residing in his eyes. Maybe it was because he pitied himself, or he pitied the world for bringing such a melancholy guy like himself into the world.
He feels only his silent beating heart ramming against his ribcage and the cries of laughter and happiness muffle in his head, it drives him crazy, when could it all stop?
Abruptly stopping himself from walking any further, Craig turns to his right, towards a gravely pathway of dirt. Where the mountains loomed and the sun dipped into an orange hue. With brisk movements he manoeuvres himself to the top of the hill, where he got a better view of what was outside of his town. What he could never see.
What was the point of going on?
When all you could feel was hurt, pain, sadness, regret, grief.
He mourned with his heart, but for no apparent reason.
It was all pointless.
None of it made sense. It could never make sense, not when he was already so lost, so gone.
He sets himself down upon the field of grass and wildflowers which have begun to bloom, feeling the blades brush against him. He could not feel his heart, he could not feel the emotions coursing through himself.
He was immune.
He releases a breath that was stuck in his burning throat, his eyes well up, glistening with fresh tears. Leaning against his knees he silently plucks at the blowing grass.
He plucked 1,
2,
3 strands before releasing them into the wind, watching as they flowed against the current of the air. He closes his eyes, accepting his loss, of not only what he feels of what he lost, but what he has lost within himself, his dignity.
There upon the mountain, quiet sniffles resound and a nimble shake of the head from a fragile boy finds its way into the world. Drafting the scent of rain up into his nose, he grimaces towards the sky.
As the rain pitter-pattered against his body it doused the sky in a gloomy aftermath. Sadness and grief overwashed the town, perhaps another loss of something of value and importance has been experienced.
Leaning back, he feels the now wet surface of the grass against his damp back, spreading his arms wide, as if he were making a snow angel in the rain. He closes his eyes once more, reminiscing about something, someone. Yet he couldn't seem to recall their features, their voice, their smile.
He looks to his side, imagining their face there, instead he sighs seeing that instead of a body laid more fields of grass and wildflowers.
Maybe one day he would rejoice with himself in peace once he finally dedicates to solve his heartache. Just like a flower, blooming, then slowly withering away.
But from now on, all he could do was cry, cry until he couldn't, until his throat burned and ached, until his eyes were red, swollen and his eyesight hazy.
Until his body just gave out, not willing to live on with a pain so frigid that could freeze your heart in a beat.
He turns his head back and silently watches the stars flicker in the night.
He laid there in the rain for hours, not caring about anything, anyone, anymore. He knew no one would look for him, why would they anyway? He was now considered a lost cause anyways.
As the sun dipped into the horizon, contrasting a purple-blue hue to cover the darkened skies, his body, which was cold with the dripping sombre rain, embraced the welcoming night. The skies howling with the wind.
The grass and the flowers thrash fiercely around once the current of the air grew stronger. Yet he didn't care anymore, he couldn't. His head was so clouded and jumbled that nothing made sense to him. But nothing made sense to begin with.
He watches in silence as bright white orbs begin to litter the sky, lighting up the pitch black canvas which is displayed in the view above.
As he watches contemptuously above in a silent resting position, he only listens to his haggard breathing, which is shaky with an impending sadness. Quickly, once enough time passed by, he felt his eyelids slowly flutter shut and shiver as he slowly succumbed to an inevitable sleep, accompanied by the wind and crickets.
…
The morning sun shining through his blinds softly breach his eyes, covering his closed sight in a reddish hue.
First he groans,
Then he stretches,
Until he finally feels alive, he opens his eyes and embraces the contents of his room.
His room?
Confusion quickly fills him as his eyes scurry around his room. The dark green grass wasn't pricking him. The moon wasn't cradling him in its warm glow. The animals, insects and nature itself wasn't holding him just like that night, where he lay on the mountain top, enveloped in his mournful cries.
Cries?
Why was he crying?
There was no reason to cry. Everything was fine.
He shook his head, dragging his mind away from that pessimistic mindset. He sluggishly whips the covers off of himself, letting his legs dangle off the edges of his bed. He pushes himself up above the cushiony surface and retreats to the confinements of his restroom.
He yanks his toothbrush and twists the cap off of his toothpaste before roughly scraping his teeth with the cheap toothbrush his parents bought from the dollar store.
He winces before spitting out the gooey liquid and turning on the faucet, watching it slowly settle down in the sinks drain.
He sighed.
Walking out of his room, fetching his hat and jacket, he hurriedly makes his way downstairs where his sister, Tricia sat calmly on a chair, that was until she locked eyes with him, rolling her eyes before flipping him off with her middle finger.
"You look like shit."
He rolls his eyes back at her and retorts towards her with the same action.
The bird.
His mother only walks around the corner from the kitchen, eyeing her son before walking past him, getting ready for work.
Everything was the same, nothing changed, so why did it feel empty? Like something happened?
It was probably nothing, probably a bad dream that stuck.
A dream that felt so real, like it was playing with his emotions. It made it hard to know if it really was just a dream.
But he ignored it, letting it egg himself on and contemplate his recollections of nothing.
Gripping onto the straps of his bag he walks through the doors of his home and onto the snowy ground, where the sun used to shine brightly, and the sidewalks were actually visible under the white snow.
But this time they were shallow, grey and dark. Just how he felt.
He waits by his bus stop, the yellow sign still an unpurified rusted brown. It creaks as the heavy wind hits it, knocking it out of balance and gently whipping it around.
As he looks around impatiently for the bus, he sees a couple of heads appear beside him.
Clyde grinned as he hit Craig's back a bit too harshly, nearly knocking the wind out of him.
"Hey, dude." He smirked, evident that he was currently in a good mood, probably something having to do with Bebe.
Craig only grunted, flipping the other off.
The brunette smiled, knowing that everything was fine with Craig although he did wonder what got his face so messed up, heavy bags and red, swollen, bloodshot eyes.
'Probably drugs.' Is what Clyde instantly thought.
"Clyde, have you finished that book report?" Asked Tolkien, as he came to a stop on the other side of Craig. A serious expression lay on his features, although it was obvious he was biting back a smirk.
Jumping out of his shell Clyde whined, "Crap! I forgot that book existed-" quickly, Clyde faces Tolkien leaning a bit in front of Craig, "Can I please copy yours…?" He shyly mumbled, acting it all out with puppy eyes.
Tolkien rolled his, shrugged, then sighed, he looked away, already bewitched by the other, "Fine. Just give it back before English starts."
Clyde excitedly whoops before hugging Tolkien to death as the bus slowly appeared in front of them.
'Finally' is what Craig thought.
As he was walking to the approaching bus Tweek quickly grabs ahold of his sleeve.
"C-Craig.." He stuttered, slowly.
Craig raised a brow at the blonde's attitude, but thought nothing of it as Tweek disconnected his eyes with him.
"Nevermind."
Craig only shrugged in response before hastily boarding the bus and grabbing a seat next to Tweek after finding out that Kenny did in fact not take the bus, which is quite unusual. Normally he'd text him prior before unexpectedly leaving unannounced.
Craig looked at Tweek, who was silently watching as the snowy trees flew by.
"Tweek."
The said blonde twitches, and jolts before looking worriedly at Craig he jumbles quickly in a sentence, "What's wrong?" Although he merely whispered it into a yell, Craig leaned in closer to not be overheard.
"Where's Kenny?"
Tweek pursed his lips, his hands flying around for a bit as if he was trying to explain with hand gestures.
"I'm not sure… I thought you would know, he's your boyfriend after all."
"Oh…" Is all Craig could reply with.
The rest of the bus ride was silent, a peaceful silence in fact. One where nothing felt like it could go wrong, where everything was perfect, how it was meant to be except for one minor detail.
Slowly, the bus enters the school's territory and halts to a stop. Once the doors of the yellow vehicle mechanically open the students quickly filter out of the cramped area and onto the school's grounds.
Clyde groaned as he rested his head on Tolkien's shoulder, "I'm so thankful I have you as a mom-"
"Dude, I'm not your mom."
"Are too."
Tolkien paused for a moment before shaking his head, "Shut up."
"Okay, mommm~"
By then Clyde was dunked into the wet snow, and when he got off, his face was now imprinted in the white dust.
Craig only sighed, shaking his head before walking into the school doors, being enraptured by the warm smell of…
Coffee, coming from Tweek's now empty bottle.
"GYAH!? How am I supposed to continue on with my life without my 5 cups of coffee! I've only had 4-!"
Yea, this was a typical day. Nothing changed. Nothing will change.
…
He rests his head on his desk, waiting for the time to slowly pass him by.
It was brutal, torturing.
He wanted everything to come to a stop, an end.
But Kenny wouldn't want him to be like that, wherever the orange clad wearing idiot was. Is what Craig liked to call him, an idiot. His idiot.
A tap to his shoulder startles him, he swats the hand away before dozing back off to sleep. Once again, he could feel the tap to his shoulder deepen, it was more harsh. He winces and raises his head off of the desk, squinting his eyes from dazed vision he envisions seeing Kenny but instead.
"Craig Tucker. You have detention after school." Mrs. Clementine spoke with a harsh tone.
Yea, just a normal day.
He rolled his eyes and gave her the bird, to which she didn't care, well at least not anymore.
Waiting, waiting, waiting, for the final bell to ring, so he could be free for at least 50 minutes for lunch. Before coming back to fulfil the treacherous hours of the rest of the school day.
As soon as the alarming ring filtered his ears, Craig jolted up, snatched his bag and raced himself out of the classroom. He needed to see Kenny, like right now.
Entering the loud proximity of the cafeteria his eyes darted around, looking desperately for the other. He stops, almost dropping his tray filled with crappy cafeteria food. For one of the first times in his life, he felt his heart stop. In excitement?
He quickly jogs up to Kenny's table, basically smashing his tray in front of the others Kenny jolts back a bit and quickly stares at Craig, a mixture of shock and fear layered in his perfect cerulean orbs.
"...Craig?" Kenny gulped before yelping as he got torn out of his seat.
"I'll be borrowing Kenny for a moment. Not like any of you f*gs care."
Craig could feel Cartman's eyes burn through his back and the stares left from Kyle and Stan linger on him, but he didn't care. Not when his boyfriend was practically begging him to be picked up. That might've been a lie.
Dragging him out of the cafeteria and near an abandoned locker Craig stares at Kenny.
"Dude, you okay?" Kenny asked with hesitance.
Craig hung his head down, the pain, the same pain hit his chest, panging his heart again.
"I… don't know," He replied, unable to comprehend his current ongoing emotions, he looked up. Watching carefully as Kenny shifted on his weight to get a better look at the mess he called 'his boyfriend'.
"What's on your mind?"
A lot.
"For the past few days, something has been missing. But I can't- I don't know who or what it was. But now all of a sudden, I don't feel it anymore. As if nothing ever happened."
Kenny only looks at him bitterly like he was biting back words from escaping his tongue.
It only left Craig in a confused state.
"I see… so you don't remember?"
Craig pondered, wanting to scratch his brain, "Remember what, exactly?"
Kenny now looked away, wincing, he cringed as he closed his eyes, walking past him, "Nothing. Don't worry about it."
"Wait!" Craig grabbed onto the other's arms, in hopes of a resolvement. But instead, Kenny only whips his arm away, unable to even face the other.
"I'm sorry Craig, can I just be alone right now?"
And so Kenny walked away, leaving Craig numb, confused, and dumbfounded by the abandoned locker next to the gym class.
It hurt.
He didn't know what hurt, but it just hurt.
Watching Kenny walk away, sad and hurt because of him.
Was it what he said? Was it what he did?
Regret. It wouldn't change the outcome or anything if you only experience regret.
0o -,./3.,- o0
ok so this was sitting in my docs for like a year, decided to share it.
updates are NOT going to be consistent, i have barely even started chapter 2 rip!
probably won't be updated for a few months at LEAST...
hope you enjoy/ed so far!
please review - always best support!