While walking through the dark streets of Sunnydale from Spike's crypt to her home, the slayer let out a small sigh as she questioned, not for the first time, what was going on between her and Spike. Why was it that the only time she felt anything at all was while she was around him? At least the rest she could explain. She talked to him because it was easier talking to someone who was undead and in the dark than her friends that wanted her to be okay. But that didn't mean she liked confiding in Spike of all people. (Though it had given her a different perspective on things a little.) And part of her wished she knew someone living, someone human, to confide the truth to. But everyone she thought of she immediately brushed away the thought.
After all, how could you tell your best friends that they forced you out of heaven when they thought they were saving you from damnation?
They had thought they were rescuing her from an eternity of misery, and she didn't have the heart to tell them otherwise. Or maybe it would be easier to just be honest and quit hiding. Maybe she would be hurting less and it was all for the best just to get it out there. But it didn't matter about maybes. She knew what she was going to do, and that was keep it a secret for as long as she could, even if it destroyed her. Even if constantly pretending and lying to her friends was draining out her already low will to live. She had to keep going and be there for Dawn.
She went inside her house through the back door and let out a sigh as she pulled out a glass from the cabinet in the kitchen. The Slayer filled the glass with water before leaning against the counter, unsure of if she would be able to get any sleep even if she tried. And even if she did, her dreams were usually nightmares or being in heaven and then yanked away. Things she didn't want to dream about. She knew she needed to sleep. And it wasn't like she didn't get any sleep. She just... tended to get considerably less sleep than the average person. She'd probably sleep some while Dawn was off at school. That is, if she could get her mind off of the daylight hours issues she was facing involving finances.
With that horrible thought in mind, she raised the glass to her lips to take a sip when she heard a soft knock on the front door. Her body tensed up a bit, knowing that dawn hadn't even settled in yet. She couldn't think of anyone that would be knocking at this hour that wasn't Spike (though knowing him, he'd just walk in). Setting the glass down on the island counter, she walked over to the front door cautiously and opened it, only to find herself frozen at the sight of who was on the other side.
Riley Finn.
She definitely wasn't getting any sleep.
Riley had honestly not been expecting her to be awake, considering this was generally the hours that she got some sleep after patrolling. Unless some big action was going on, and she couldn't. Part of him thought that he would just have to talk to her another time to give her a heads up about his arrival, and he wasn't sure which version he was hoping for. However, after he knocked softly on the door, it opened, revealing was the blonde slayer standing in the doorway.
The impact of just seeing her was startling. After 11 months of attempting to get over Buffy, here he was again, standing right in front of her. All of the emotions he had failed to truly bury came rushing to the surface. He had regretted leaving her after he had done so. But he couldn't bring himself to go back and beg her forgiveness. Not once he had already hurt her. So he started working, doing exactly what he left on the helicopter to go do. Get a demon-hunting government job back and fulfill tasks. And run away from Buffy.
But now he was back. And she was right here, staring at him and looking as breathtakingly beautiful as ever, but the look in her eyes bearing a heavy weight that made Riley both afraid to ask and curious as to what had happened to her since he had left. He wished there was something he could do to help take away whatever was haunting her, but he had left her.
His presence probably hurt her more than it could ever help, and for that, he felt guilty for returning at all, no matter how many times he had thought about how much he wanted to see her in the past year. The last thing he wanted was to cause her more pain, but maybe it was for her like it was for him. Maybe he was wrong back then about how she felt towards him. Maybe it hurt her to be around him and not be around him. Or maybe she had moved on completely.
"Riley" Buffy breathed out, shocked.
"Hi, Buffy" Riley said, swallowing a bit at talking to her for the first time in months. "Can we talk?"
Buffy glanced behind her at the sleeping household before she turned back to him and nodded. She stepped out of the house and closed the door behind her. "Let's go for a walk" she said. "If that's fine with you"
Riley nodded awkwardly. "it's fine" he said and followed her off of her porch. "You seem different"
"A lot has happened since we last saw each other." Buffy said as she walked the sidewalk. "Why are you here?"
Riley hesitated. "I was stationed here to keep an eye on things at the Hellmouth"
"So that's why you came back. Not-"
He looked over at her. "Not because of you, no. Not that it makes a difference, but I wanted to come back a thousand times. I just thought I had already hurt you. The damage was already done and that you were better off without me"
"Yeah, well I wasn't." She said simply.
Riley had more to say, but he didn't want to risk creating more conflict when things were already painful enough for the both of them. He couldn't help but think about the words she said, that she wasn't better off without him. How much exactly had he hurt her by leaving and by making the choices he made? He knew he had been an idiot. Any problems he had, he should have talked to her about them instead of going back to the vampire he met. But wallowing in the past, while something he had done in his hours of nothing in the past year (when he wasn't fighting), wasn't really something he should be doing right now.
Instead, he had other things he wanted to talk about. "How's Dawn?"
"She's doing alright. Besides efforts to skip school sometimes. I get it, but if she keeps skipping school, then she's going to be taken away and I don't want that."
"Taken away?' he asked, looking at her.
Buffy swallowed hard. "My mom died. It's just Dawn and I. Tara and Willow are staying with us too. It's fine" She said, puting on a small smile. "We are dealing"
Riley doubted that. But once again she wasn't letting him in. Though this time he deserved it. He didn't expect her to. After all that had happened between them. He had betrayed her trust, and it had been a year since they saw each other. Since he was flown away on a helicopter that he had told her to stop him from getting on if she wanted them to work. To fix things. And she hadn't.
"Look, I didn't mean to show up in your life and cause any more pain. But... I just wanted to tell you I was back in town in person rather than you finding out during a situation"
"Thank you" the Slayer said, looking at him.
"You're welcome. I know you probably don't want to willingly bump into me. I know we didn't exactly end things on a good note. But I am residing in town. If you need anything and I'm not already there, I'd be more than willing to go help you handle a situation if you need more backup for any reason"
Buffy nodded and stopped walking, turning to look at him. "I think we've got it covered, but I'll keep it in mind."
"Good," Riley said, looking down at her.
All he wanted to do in that moment was draw her closer to him and beg for her forgiveness. But he wasn't here for that. He had offered her a chance to stop him from leaving. She hadn't taken it. And the mere thought of that had felt like it confirmed any and all negative thoughts as well as shattering his heart. He liked his job. He almost always had. Though he was glad when Buffy opened up his eyes past the black and white view points that had been drilled into his mind during training. However, he would have left it all behind if she asked him to stay. Just like he had done before. Part of him knew he still would.
"How's school?" He asked since she hadn't left yet. He wasn't sure what to talk about. Being around her again felt awkward. But he also didn't want to leave. Especially, he didn't want to be the one to walk away from her again, even if her leaving him hurt.
"I'm no longer a student. I missed the deadline. You know, being dead sure messes with ones abilities to fill out an application to attend classes. Besides, I need to watch over Dawn" Buffy explained.
"Wait- you died?' Riley questioned, his eyes widening in shock.
Despite knowing the risks of her life, he couldn't imagine a world without Buffy somewhere in it. Yet he had unknowingly been living in it. For how long? It had never fully sunk in how much in danger she constantly was until this very moment, though the close call in the cemetery had certainly been a start. He was glad he hadn't known in the sense he wasn't sure how he would have been able to handle it. He still loved her, and he wasn't sure he could ever stop. However, he also wasn't sure how he felt about just going on, not knowing that the girl he loved had died.
"Yeah, I did" Buffy said, looking down a bit as they walked side by side. "I should - I should go."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I need to make sure to be there for Dawn. And it's better that we don't- that we keep this professional and not get personal" she said hesitantly, his presence all too well reminding her of how she had felt after he left. The agonizing heartbreak she hadn't thought she'd get over. How she had started to fake it until she made it, until she had so much going on that her heartbreak was the last thing on her mind.
"Professional. Right. Well, if you need any back up in fighting, I'm staying here" he said, pulling out the paper with the address on it.
"I think we've got it covered," Buffy said, but she reached out and took the piece of paper anyways. "Thank you."
"Of course" Riley looked at her, falling silent as he just stood beside her on the sidewalk. Neither of them said anything as they stared into each other's eyes, not wanting to leave just yet but also not being sure what to say. Finally, Buffy broke the silence.
"Goodbye, Riley" she said softly before heading back home.
Riley watched Buffy go before continuing to walk, wanting to get a good idea of any changes to the town. He wasn't sure he was going to be able to catch up on any sleep with the looming thoughts of his conversation with Buffy.