Thanks to Liz for looking over this chapter for me.
Chapter 37: A broken Promise
She tried to sleep that night, even after she lost the contents of her dinner into a saucer several times. Her nerves were erratic and no matter how she tried to calm them down it was ineffective.
She tossed and turned in bed for a while and took shifts either in bed , standing by the window or pacing the length of her room.
All she could think about was Legolas dying because of her. She knew he wouldn't die as she did, but she still did not truly understand how Valinor worked. It sounded like Heaven to her and yet Legolas would still cease to exist on Middle Earth. She was curious about how Elves died and had asked Aragorn during their late lunch. Aragorn looked hesitant to discuss the matter, but he said they often found a place that gave them peace, a favorite meadow or place beneath the stars, they laid down and their life left them. To her it sounded like a peaceful way to die, but what about all the moments up until then? The anguish they obviously felt that drove them to give up their life. It sounded too much like suicide to her.
And on the flip side of the coin of their predicament, what if she denied Legolas a relationship with her? Could she really deal with the tension that would develop every time she would be in his presence? She knew it would be there. Those pale eyes staring at her from across the room as they had this evening. At dinner she had been so nervous in the Great Hall with him watching her that she could barely eat. Is that how she wanted to live on a day to day basis? What was the alternative, but to leave his life indefinitely and what would that be like? How difficult would it be to tell him, ' Legolas, I don't want to see you ever again. Have a nice life.' It would break his heart, most likely, and it would break hers as well.
And so for the last 8 hours since the sun had set Kaitlyn struggled back and forth between the two options. She made herself sick with her nerves. Finally, when she could take it no longer, she dressed in her clothes from home. Her sweatshirt and jogging pants, shed her sleeping gown and left the house, quickly and quietly.
She had no idea where she was going and she did not know her destination until her feet stopped her on the wide side steps of the Great Golden Hall.
A tingling began at the nape of her neck, sending the hairs straight up. He was here. She was certain of it.
Her eyes could barely make out the shape of a figure standing in the shadows at the other end of the wide porch. The form was unmoving for several moments and then it stepped into the light.
Kaitlyn felt the breath rush from her lungs.
Legolas moved into the pale moonlight. To Kaitlyn he had never looked more beautiful. His hair appeared silver in the light, his eyes were a piercing blue and his skin was creamy white. One look at him and Kaitlyn felt she was not worthy of his love.
Legolas lowered his head and brought his arm to his chest and extended it to her in Elvish greeting. "Mae Govannen," he replied.
He had greeted her as if she were a stranger. Tears filled her eyes, but she swallowed and forced them away. Legolas had no doubt built a wall around himself to protect his heart if she had come to deny him. Would she have not done the same if she were in his situation?
"Mae Govannen," she greeted softly.
Kaitlyn was unsure how next to proceed until she carefully looked into Legolas' eyes. While his voice had been emotionless, his eyes were completely opposite. He looked utterly vulnerable standing in the moonlight, waiting. His love for her shone so brightly, it made Kaitlyn's breath catch in her throat.
They stood in silence staring at each other.
"I had hope we would speak at dinner," his soft voice betrayed him.
Kaitlyn lowered her head, her dark hair falling like a curtain around her, shielding her from his gaze. She felt herself shaking. She was so scared. It was obvious to her that Legolas cared for her deeply and from her speech with Aragorn she knew that would not change. How was she to proceed?
Silence grew, making the tension thicker. Finally, she lifted her head and gazed at him. Her eyes would not meet his. "I…I told you I needed time."
Legolas drew in a sharp breath and then released it. "I promised you time and I fear it was a mistake to promise something I have no control over."
Kaitlyn's brows drew together in confusion, her eyes finally meeting his. "What do you mean? You have given me time. I…" she glanced down at the stone of the Great Hall's porch and came to a realization. "I came to you, not the other way around."
"Aye, you did, but I see you need more time and I can give it to you not. Goheno nin." ( Forgive me )
"I don't understand."
Legolas stepped closer to her and Kaitlyn drew in the scent of woods and leather through her nostrils. It was like a breath of fresh air after being choked by thick gray smoke.
The Elf hesitated for a moment before he took Kaitlyn's hand into his own. He turned it so her palm was face up and he lightly traced the lines on her skin.
Kaitlyn felt her heartbeat accelerate.
"I am leaving. Perhaps the day after tomorrow. I know not when I will return to Edoras… if ever." His voice was pained as he spoke.
Kaitlyn inhaled sharply. She had expected him to tell her something about their relationship, but not this. Definitely not this.
"Le-leaving?" she stuttered.
He nodded.
"But why and to where? Are the others going with you? What about me?"
The last sentence made Legolas close his eyes and the grief on his fair face made Kaitlyn want to cry.
"Gandalf and Pippin went to Minas Tirith. We wait for the beacons on the mountain side to be lit, telling us if it we will travel to their aid. Aragorn believes it will be soon."
Kaitlyn felt as if a stone had dropped into her stomach. A rather heavy and uncomfortable stone. "The war."
Legolas nodded.
The woman shook her head, her dark hair moving about her shoulders. "It's too early. I'm not ready."
"Not many are ready for war, melethril. Often it comes without warning. Mina's Tirith will need us. We must align ourselves to beat Sauron's army." He turned over her hand in his and entwined their fingers. "And so I must break my promise to you." He gazed into her eyes, his own full of sorrow, excitement and dread.
"I must know what you feel if nothing else than friendship for me. To ride into battle without knowing would be torturous." To die without knowing would be more painful than the method used to kill me…
Kaitlyn felt her lower lip begin to tremble and she could not stop it. He was leaving. They all were. To head into a battle where she could not follow, unable to stop them.
"How would you feel if he fell in battle.'
"It would… break me."
"What do you see in your future? Is Legolas in it? What does your heart tell you?"
A part of a conversation with Aragorn earlier in the day surfaced. It would indeed break her if the Elf fell and she never saw him again. She knew her connection with him was more powerful and meaningful than the one she and Derrick ever shared.
It took her mind several moments to understand what her heart had desperately been trying to tell her.
"I love you." The words tumbled from her lips without her permission and she swallowed hard when Legolas stiffened in what appeared to be surprise. Apparently, he had not expected such a blunt answer either.
"I love you and I'm afraid, Legolas," she continued honestly.
"What do you fear, melethril?" he asked softly. The wall he had built around himself had crumbled to dust and his love for her shone brightly like the sun, bathing her in its light. ( Beloved. )
"That I'll hurt you or worse yet, kill you."
"Kill me?" Legolas asked, eyes widening. She looked away from him and Legolas suddenly made the connection. "You have spoken to Aragorn about Elf kind."
She swallowed and nodded.
Legolas' hands descended onto her shoulders and she looked into his eyes. "Eru has already decided my fate. Long ago he felt it best that I should not love among my kind. That I should share my heart with a mortal woman from a strange realm whom appeared in a time of great peril. I will gladly give up everything Middle Earth has to offer in exchange for even a few short years with you as my companion. This is my choice, not yours."
"But if I choose to be with you-" she started to protest.
"-Then I will be the happiest Elf alive, " he finished. His hands slid from her shoulders to her hands and he clasped them both between their bodies before he brought them to his lips.
"Mellon nin, there is no guarantee that I will outlive you or that you will outlive me. There is only hope that Eru favors us with time to enjoy all that life has to offer."
He leaned forward and pressed a delicate kiss upon her worried brow.
"Will you let me fight for you? For our future together?"
Kaitlyn's tears blurred her vision. Derrick would never have asked such questions. But Legolas just had and it overjoyed and frightened her at the same time. She bit her lip and then nodded to the Elf.
Legolas pulled her into his arms and she pressed herself against him, feeling the warmth and security she had missed during the time away from him.
He tilted her head back and wiped the tears from her eyes with his thumb.
Kaitlyn pressed his hand against her face and then brought it to her lips, kissing his palm and then each of his fingertips.
His mouth slanted over hers, gently at first and then with need. He needed this woman in his life and now that she was his, he vowed he would not let her go as long as she lived.
Neither of the lovers noticed the shadow of a man by the stables with unshed tears in his pale blue eyes.
My wonderful, faithful readers; I am so sorry with how long it has taken me to post this next chapter. I have been extremely busy with life and writing has taken a backseat to everything else. I unfortunately do not see this changing during the summer months so updates from me will be very slow. I truly appreciate your patience in waiting.
Additional Author comments added 6-29-05.
I have had several people through the course of this story e-mail me and leave reviews asking why I have Legolas saying "I know not" instead of "I don't know" or "I care not" instead of "I don't care" etc etc. I have two reasons for having Legolas speak the way he does. 1, if you read the books and have seen the movies you rarely if ever read or hear the characters saying "I don't ,I can't, I won't, etc. You will notice that Kaitlyn will talk that way because of the time and place she was brought up in, but the others won't. Occasionally, I have them saying those words and believe me, it is purely accidental. Reason 2, when you translate certain Tolkien Sindarin Elvish words and phrases, they end up saying "I know not" or whatever. Part of the reason is that the whole language is not completely developed. So certain phrases when accurately translated with what Tolkien left us with, will say "I comfort you not" "You love me not" It all depends on the words in the translation. I hope this clears things up!
I really want to thank everyone for the wonderful reviews and your patience. It is absolutely appreciated!