Trigger warning: very gross food and all that entails. Those without string stomach, tap out when you read the word "surstromming", or before.
Cactus Cleo- District Seven male (18)
We all put on our shocked faces as Huldra filed up to the challenge arena, some of us more effectively than others. At my best I found it exhausting to fake emotion, though I'd gotten to where I could fool just about anyone if I needed to. With how tired and crabby I was from… everything… I didn't make an effort. The camera people could crop around me.
"The new Huldra making its first appearance," Isabella said. "Kendall was eliminated in tribal council."
"Wwwwwwhat?!" Enzo gasped.
Virgo clapped her hand to her chest.
"But he was so strong!" Alara said.
"A Career?!" Dorian asked. He looked at the cameras. "Oh, are we supposed to say that?" He made the same face he had a second ago. "A volunteer?!"
"Ellekoner, expressing their shock at this development," Isabella narrated. She turned to the challenge field behind her, which had an curtain blocking off a small portion. From the side of the curtain, the challenge just have been pretty small. One on one, perhaps?
Isabella pulled a rope and the curtain fell. Behind it there was a long table set with seven pairs of covered dishes. I was immediately suspicious. What, we were going to have a pleasant dinner?
"Oh, no." Octavia's whisper was strained and harrowed, so low I didn't think anyone else heard.
"Oh, this is some bullshit!" From Trydan's complaint it was clear he had also done enough research to know what was about to come. Those of us who knew waited with trembling and those of us who did not looked upon those who did with growing unease.
"Today we have a Survivor favorite. Behind me is a table loaded with delicacies from around the world. Contestants have been randomly paired and assigned a course. One at a time, each pair will begin to eat their assigned course. Etiquette is no consideration, since this challenge is determined by speed. First Tribute to finish their course wins a point for their tribe. First tribe to four points wins immunity and reward."
She lifted the tarp at her feet and a chorus of gasps and moans followed.
"Our courses today are on the small side, so we've added some bulk to the meal. At my feet are a collection of prime steaks with all the spices and materials needed for a perfect crust. To go with it, the winners have sacks of potatoes, vegetables, bread rolls, and a cast iron grill for the ultimate sear. Worth playing for?"
I'm honestly not sure.
"Ellekoner, you have three extra members. Who are you sitting out?"
Octavia and I bolted for the bench, knocking it over in our haste.
"What was that?" Lana asked innocently.
"It's the gross food challenge," Dorian said. He wrinkled his nose at me and Octavia. "Pikers." Across the field, Trydan had his hands in his hips at his annoyance that we got to sit people out and Huldra didn't.
"Who else is going?" Enzo asked. "I'm fine. I don't mind gross."
"Yeah, I'm gross already," Rowena said.
"I can do it," Lana said uncertainly.
Amberlynn shrugged. "What's the worst that could happen? I'll give it a shot."
Alara and Virgo looked at each other.
"I've seen some pretty gross things as a vet," Virgo admitted.
Alara sagged in relief. "Do you mind? I think I might lose us a point."
"Go ahead," Virgo said. "It's not like you wimp out every time. I got it."
"Ellekoner has chosen its best and bravest," Isabella said forebodingly as Alara fled toward the bench. "Let the feast begin."
Leo Fabrizio- District Six male (18)
Persi and I regarded each other nervously from opposite sides of the table. Isabella stood over my shoulder as she reached down toward the metal dome things that cover food. She lifted them to reveal what seemed to be an unusually smelly egg.
"Our first course hails from exotic China. Virgin boy eggs are traditionally made by hard-boiling eggs in the urine of a young boy. Our own eggs were made without consideration of gender or sexual activity, but the taste remains the same. Contestants, you may begin."
Persi and I both grabbed our eggs and bit into them. I realized my mistake when she crammed the whole egg in at once, where I'd only taken a bite. What she didn't know, though, and what I hadn't appreciated until just then, was my secret weapon. The thing about getting burned across half your face- it does some damage to half your nose. I'd always needed more salt and spice after the accident. With that on my side, the egg tasted more or less like a normal egg that had been dropped in a toilet. Gross, but not the grossest thing in the world. Not even the worst tasting thing I'd ever watch. As Persi struggled, her cheeks puffed as she tried to force her egg down, I swallowed mine with nothing worse than a gross aftertaste.
"First point goes to Huldra!"
Rowena Aspen- District Seven female (14)
The cheese was moving. Smelly and moving.
"The pride of Sardinia, Casu Marzu is prized for the live maggots that inhabit it, eating the cheese and partially digesting it," Isabella announced.
Pretty sure that's not the pride of Sardinia. It's not called Casu Marzunia.
They weren't my first bugs. Who among us hasn't eaten a worm to make a friend go "ewwww"? They tasted pretty mild and nutty and the wiggling was kind of fun. The cheese was way worse. It was foul and stinky and tasted like my socks after a twelve-hour shift. Trydan seemed to have the opposite opinion, funny enough. Fortunately for me, I got the last of my cheese down while he still had four grubs left.
"Ellekoner scores their first point!"
Enzo Charmont- District Twelve male (18)
"The people of Peru swear by green shakes. In this case, the green comes from a blended whole frog. The shake is said to soothe everything from asthma to fatigue."
I got this. Just chug it real fast and don't think about it. I grabbed the glass and poured it all into my mouth.
Holy $# $$# & $#!
The atomic bomb of soggy, rotten ooze was like an ogre took a loose shit directly into my mouth. My body revolted, I rued that my mother bore me, I confessed my sins, my mind left me, and left on its own, my body chose one of a few ways to clear the substance from my mouth- it swallowed. I sat dazed, feeling distant from myself and somehow violated, as Isabella spoke.
"That's two points Ellekoner, two points Huldra!"
Amberlynn Hyde- District Nine female (15)
I should not have given it a shot.
It was worse than the time a Capitolite at one of my parties told me that Malort was the best alcohol ever made. I'd thought I was adventurous but all at once I learned my limits. I never knew how hard it was to eat something that was looking at you. I didn't believe Isabella. I didn't believe there was a country on Earth that thought raw sheep eyeballs were tasty. I had to live with the shame of not even getting it into my mouth. Just looking at the faces Kallik was making, I knew I didn't have it in me.
"Huldra ties it up again!"
Lana Mason- District Six female (17)
I had to do it. I wasn't the strongest in my tribe. I wasn't the smartest or bravest. I had to do this so I wouldn't be dead weight. I had to do it, so I put the tarantula in my mouth. It was dead at least. Isabella said in the Amazon they were roasted over fires. It honestly didn't taste terrible. If I hadn't known what it was, I might have guessed it was the fake crabmeat my sister Amelia ate sometimes. It was just the hairs, and the spindly legs.
Val was matching my pace. Then I bit into a pocket of disgusting juices and they ran down my chin. Val looked away and heaved. By the time he collected himself, it was too late.
"Three points for Ellekoner! One more to win!"
Taylor Treadle- District Eight female (16)
She was a beast. A goddess. Yarrow drank the cow's blood like an actual maniac. I did all right for myself- I had more than half my glass down before she finished- but I was no match. I could have won it all for my tribe, but none of them had to go against her. She wiped her blood-slicked mouth clean like the awe-inspiring vampire she was.
"Huldra ties it once more! It's down to the last round!"
Isabella Disney-Busattil- Host
"Our last round could test the mettle of the strongest of us." My voice echoed in my ears around the sealed helmet I wore, along with the camera crew. I'd tried out the final boss myself before the show started. I honestly wasn't sure how it could be survived. "From our own homeland of Scandinavia, surstromming is a fermented herring whose smell is so foul it is customarily eaten outdoors."
And may God have mercy on your soul, I finished mentally as I lifted the cloches.
Dorian was the first to grab his tin. He bent the tab down, perforating the seal. Like he'd popped his own seal with the same gesture, he spewed vomit over his can and the table. Virgo was spared from its splash only because she jerked her head back at the stench as she, too, barfed everywhere.
From the safety of my helmet I witnessed the smell spread as though I could see it in the air. It hit Enzo and Rowena, who had been standing closest to the table to watch throughout the challenge, and they barfed as their eyes were still widening in horror. Lana pointed at them in concern, turning her head in a "y'all seeing this?" way, and barfed mid-point. With Olympic precision, Persi, Trydan, Shep, Amberlynn, Yarrow, Val and Taylor barfed. A half-second later, Kallik and Leo succumbed. The stench caught Cactus and Octavia as they tried to rise and flee from the bench. Alara ran one shaky step before vomit spewed in an arc over the grass and she tripped, barely avoiding landing in it. Groans and gasps filled the air as Tributes fled for safety, congregating at last at the edges of the challenge field as they covered their mouths with their shirts and wiped tears from their eyes.
"That…" I started. "That's a tie, so…" I gathered my strength to say what I had to say. "So we go into the tiebreaker round. Any contestant from any tribe, approach the table whenever you want. First to eat the surstromming wins the challenge for their tribe." I looked at Talli, the main camera operator, and made a fist with my right hand, giving the signal for "going off- script". "You don't even have to eat the whole thing. Just one bite. Just eat any of it."
The Tributes stood unmoving at the edge of the field. Rowena spat into the ground. Virgo hesitantly moved her shirt off her mouth, then immediately clamped it back on.
"Anyone. Just eat any of it."
Enzo made a run for it, clearly not breathing. He reached the table and had to take a breath. He actually made it through the first breath without puking. His hand over his mouth, he grabbed the closest tin. He yanked it open, revealing the innocent-looking bits of fish. He looked at them, opened his mouth, and turned away to barf. He shook his head, dropped the can, and fled.
"Anyone?"
Kallik- District Two female (18)
It's just kiviak.
It didn't help much. Yes, I'd eaten kiviak before, but it was disgusting. Fermented bird inside a rotting seal's stomach? That wasn't food. That was one of my ancestors trying not to die. They probably should have let it happen. I was certain the only reason my grandmother ever made it was to laugh at people trying to eat it. Yes, I'd gotten a bite down, but I'd chugged an entire bottle of milk after.
It's Grandma's kiviak, I told myself as I took a step forward. The others watched and whispered behind me as I crept toward the table, wondering if I might possibly make it. I didn't, really. I wasn't halfway there before I puked into my mouth. I spat it into the grass and continued.
Grandma made it. You love Aana's cooking.
I stood by the table. The tin was beneath me, cracked open so its evil infested this world. I held my shirt over my face as I picked up the can. I slid the shirt down, holding my breath. Even without smelling it, I knew what it was. Trying to open my mouth was like trying to stick my hand into boiling water. Somehow I opened my mouth. Somehow my tongue was out. No one cares open their mouth to cheer me on. I yanked my hand toward my mouth. Before my involuntary nervous system jerked my head back, my tongue made contact with Satan's gooch.
"That'senoughHuldrawins!
Dorian's interview, unedited: I've seen things. I've seen things you wouldn't believe.
Trydan's interview, unedited: When you go to Hell they throw you in a lake of boiling surstromming.
Rowena's interview, unaired: I'm going to barf on your camera.
Wanna know what's really funny? That's not the worst vomit related thing I've written. To see the single most cursed thing I will ever write, read Prime Time.
I might have exaggerated surstromming a little, but I have seen multiple videos where people opened the tin and immediately barfed. Besides, why pass up the chance to recreate Lardass and the blueberry pie debacle?
Ellekoner, make sure to get in your votes!