"Please.. please tell me.. who are you?" His question fell past dry and cracked lips with desperation and fear, dazed eyes flickering back and forth between the two strangers that looked back at him in silence. Why weren't they answering him? Where even was he? This wasn't his home, it looked nothing like Ealdor, and where was his mother?
"You pick the worst times to joke, Merlin." The younger of the two spoke harshly, a frown set deep on his face as the boy tried to swallow past his growing unease. They knew his name, how did they know his name?
"Arthur-"
"You are joking, aren't you?" Another beat of silence passed as Merlin tried to muster the strength to speak. The men were unfamiliar and the room entirely foreign, yet that man spoke as if he knew him.
"I'm sorry, but I don't know who either of you are." He said carefully, pain striking through his head as he grimaced, his fingers curling into fists beside him as his eyes darted around the room in search of his mother once again. What had happened to him? Why wasn't she there? Why couldn't he remember how he'd gotten to this place?
"Please, can you tell me where I am?" His voice wavered as the words left him, tears burning in his eyes from the pain mounting in his head and the fear crushing against his chest. The man who'd questioned him now only stared, blue hues seeming to look right through him while the older of the two leaned closer.
"It's alright, Merlin, you're safe here."
"But where am I?" He begged, his breath falling out faster as he tried to think back, tried to recall anything that would give him the answers he needed. But all he was met with was an empty void and a thick darkness that hovered over him, leaving him feeling more helpless by the second. He couldn't remember what happened, he couldn't remember anything.
"Merlin, breathe, you're alright." A calming voice attempted to soothe him as the boy's gaze shifted to the elder who wore a look of concern.
"You're in Camelot." The first man spoke aloud, his words sharp and cold as he stared at the ground, refusing to meet Merlin's eye when he looked his way. "Gaius is the Court Physician, he'll take care of you." Standing abruptly, the blond stepped away and stalked to the other side of the room as the elder's mouth pressed into a thin line.
"Do I know you?" He whispered, dragging the physician's attention back to him as a kind smile appeared.
"You do, but don't worry about that for now, you need to rest. I'm going to fetch something that I'd like for you to take, an herbal remedy to help with the pain you're feeling, alright?" Quirking a brow at him, the warlock barely nodded before he was grimacing again, the simple movement sending a fresh wave of pain coursing through his head.
As Gaius rose and made his way in the same direction the blond had gone, Merlin closed his eyes and worked to think back, to delve into the darkness that had stolen his memories and try to find something, anything that he could use to tell him who these people were.
"Why doesn't he remember?" A voice hissed from across the room before another quickly quieted it and Merlin found himself shifting his focus, trying instead to listen to the hushed conversation taking place about him.
"A number of things could be the cause. The placement of the injury, the trauma sustained, the swelling that happened." He recognized the elder's voice, low and whispered as it was, and Merlin strained to catch what else was said.
"He'll remember when he heals, won't he?"
"That is not something I can know." Closing his eyes tighter and pressing his head against the pillow, the warlock bit back a wave of pain that was determined to be vocalized.
"You're telling me there is a chance that he may never remember?" The man asked the same question Merlin was pondering, and as his fingers dug into the blanket beside him, dread filled him at the answer the physician gave.
"I'm saying that it is too early to tell."
Releasing a sharp breath, Merlin shifted away from the voices and clenched his teeth, tears now threatening to spill down his face. Why wouldn't they just tell him who they were? He wanted to see his mother, to have her fill in the missing pieces that were somehow lost to him now. He just wanted answers.
"Merlin?" A hand fell to the boy's shoulder and the warlock struggled more than he should've to pull his eyes open again. "Here, drink this." Extending a vial out to him, the boy took it and inspected the remedy warily, the color and scent reminiscent to one his mother used to make. Helping the boy to sit up, Merlin swallowed the contents quickly and winced against the increase of pain that struck him as he leaned back again.
"Is my mother here?" He asked, his voice no more than a croak that struggled to come out as Gaius' face fell.
"No, she isn't." He shook his head, taking the empty vial from the boy and settling into the chair beside him once more.
"What happened? Why am I here?"
"Calm yourself." The man soothed, his hand returning to his shoulder and squeezing it gently. "I promise I'll answer all of your questions later, but for now you must rest."
"But-"
"Rest, Merlin." As he spoke, the hand on his shoulder shifted to the top of his head and the elder's fingers settled into his hair. Quieting down and holding back the onslaught of questions that were plaguing his mind, a brief flicker of familiarity drifted over him as his eyes fell shut.
He couldn't remember this place or the physician beside him, but a sense of safety had enveloped him and as the fingers in his hair moved in a comforting manner, the warlock allowed the pull of sleep to drag him back beneath its cover.
"Please tell me.. who are you?"
Merlin's words played on repeat throughout the prince's mind, as did the fear that had been woven into them. He couldn't get the look on his face out of his head either, the confusion that had appeared just by looking at him.
Leaning backwards in his chair and folding his arms across his chest, Arthur stared mindlessly across the room while the voices around him droned on in an endless fashion. He was in no mood for this meeting, but his father had made it clear he was not to miss it.
The king cared very little about the happenings of his son's manservant, aside from the anger he held towards Arthur's insistence on getting him back. The man almost wished he were capable of the same apathy when it came to Merlin, yet he found the harder he tried to ignore the pressing concern the more it reared its ugly head.
"Arthur!" Jolting at the irritation laced through his uttered name, the blond met his father's pressing stare and noticed for the first time the silence that had fallen across the room. Unfolding his arms and sitting up straighter, Arthur cleared his throat and arched a questioning brow towards the king.
"I asked you what your thoughts were on the new patrol's regime." The tightness of his father's voice was unmistakable, and Arthur had no doubt the question had already been posed more than once.
"It sounds fine." He replied, letting his eyes fall to the series of documents spread about on the table as he searched for the one he needed.
"Arthur-"
"I do think it's a bit too lenient though." He cut in, reaching out and shifting one of the pieces of parchment closer to the man. "These men have been thoroughly trained and most have held their positions for years. They know what is required of them, I see no point in allowing them to slack off and grow accustomed to such an order only to find they are no longer of use if anything happens in the future."
Settling back and returning his stare to his father, the tension began to dissipate as Uther glanced over the page and nodded. "You hold a valid point." He uttered, casting a look of approval towards his son as the prince's own gaze shifted back to the table.
While he'd learned years ago to divide his attention in the council to keep himself from growing too bored, he'd barely kept himself out of trouble due to his wandering thoughts.
So Merlin didn't remember, it wasn't as if such a thing were so terrible. Gaius would fix him and all would return to normal. And even if he never fully remembered, what did that matter? He was certain the boy's attitude would remain the same, as would the way he worked. He had nothing to be concerned about. And yet the weight in his stomach continued to plague him just as strongly as it had over the last two days since the boy had first woken.
Glancing up as one of the council began to discuss a treaty the kingdom had signed years back, Arthur worked to keep a sigh from leaving him. He'd left soon after Merlin had woken with the intention to return after he'd obtained some rest, but his father had had other plans.
He'd kept his son relentlessly busy with various meetings, pointless errands, and stifling patrols. Even the one time he'd actually needed to visit the physician to have his wound looked over, the king had sent for Gaius to come to the prince's chambers instead where little could be spoken about the servant.
Be it punishment or lesson the king was trying to instill in his son Arthur didn't care. He'd easily been blaming his lack of focus on the previous weeks where he'd been injured on more than one occasion, but he suspected his father was quickly growing to realize the falsity in his claims.
As the meeting came to a close and the council began to leave, Arthur rose from his chair only to be stopped by his father's throat clearing. "Arthur." Turning, he met the king's gaze and obediently stepped closer at his beckoning. "Despite your attempts at fooling the council of your attention, don't think I haven't noticed how distracted you've been."
"It's nothing, Father, I've merely got a lot on my mind." He offered simply, his fingers drifting over the edge of the table as Uther's gaze narrowed.
"This doesn't have anything to do with that servant of yours, does it?"
"Of course not." The prince scoffed, drumming his fingers briefly against the wood.
"Because if it is-"
"I told you it's not." The man snapped, glancing away at the disapproval he received for the tone of his voice. "I'll make certain I pay more attention during the next meeting." He relented, his voice lowering as the king shifted in front of him.
"See to it that you do. I don't need to remind you how important learning these things is. As boring as you may find it all, it is one of the most important jobs you'll have one day as king."
"I know." Shuffling back a step, Uther nodded once in show that he could leave and Arthur didn't hesitate to stride away from the suffocating chambers. He knew the importance of it all, he'd never denied that. However it was hardly his fault that the idiot wouldn't leave his thoughts when it had been nearly impossible to know how he was.
Turning the corridor and walking towards the field, Arthur's steps faltered at the sight of a young woman hurrying in the opposite direction. "Guinevere!" He called out, walking faster as the maid paused and looked over her shoulder, her face lighting up at the sight of the prince.
"Arthur? Are you alright?" She questioned once he'd drawn nearer.
"Are you going to see Gaius?" Glancing down at the basket she held that was filled with various herbs, the girl's head bobbed a couple of times.
"I had a bit of time and I offered to gather some of the things he was running low on since Merlin, well.." Trailing off, a knowing eye sat upon him and Arthur was grateful for the opening she'd purposely left for him.
"Speaking of my foolish servant, how is he?" His tone was gruff but Gwen paid it no mind, the basket shifting in her arms as she turned and began to walk slowly towards the physician's chambers.
"Physically he's doing better, Gaius says he should make a full recovery." The purposeful pause did not slip past the prince's attention, the man staring intently at her as they rounded a corner and her eyes fell. "He still doesn't remember much, though." Gwen murmured, her fingers playing with the edges of her basket.
"He remembers Ealdor, and his mother, but he doesn't remember coming here at all. It took Gaius some time to assure him that he was safe here." With a small, jerking motion, the maid shrugged while Arthur's hand scraped through his hair. "I'm on my way to see him, if you'd like to come with me?"
Looking over at her invitation, Arthur's mind stumbled over itself in a race to find the right words. He didn't have much time, but he could stop by, could manage to see him for just a few moments.
"I can't." He heard himself saying, his body coming to an abrupt stop in the middle of the hall as Gwen paused in confusion. "I'm to go on patrol and I'll be late if I don't go now."
Why was he saying those things? Each word that left him made him hate himself a little bit more though he knew he would not take them back. How could he go there and see the boy when he had no idea who he was? How could he look at him knowing that if he'd been faster or done even a single thing different, than perhaps the boy wouldn't be at such a loss for who or where he was?
"I understand." Gwen nodded, offering him a small smile. "Be careful."
With a smile he couldn't help but return and a quick nod, Arthur turned away from the maid and strode through the halls, each step forcefully placed in an effort to keep himself from turning back around.
Frustration, that was the only word he could think of that perfectly fit what he felt. Squeezing his eyes shut tighter and digging his fingers against his temples, Merlin ground his teeth at the pain that flared through his head. Why couldn't he remember?
Every time he tried to think back he was met with nothing more than an empty black void. The man looking after him had assured him that he would remember things in time, but the warlock was impatient and the unsurety he felt at every turn was maddening.
"Merlin? What are you doing?" Dropping his hands and looking up, pained hues settled on the physician as he walked through the door. Gaius had told him that he was his guardian, the boy's safety entrusted to him by his mother, a fact that Merlin was still having some trouble wrapping his head around.
Apparently he'd been living in Camelot for a year, though he had nothing that backed up the claim aside from what the elder told him. It wasn't that he doubted him, but he was desperate to recall it to his own mind and not be forced to rely on what was told to him.
"Trying to remember." He grumbled quietly, the sharp pain in his head settling into a persistent ache.
"I told you it will take time, you must be patient." Turning a reproachful eye to the ground, the physician paused in front of the boy and let out a short breath. "I know you're frustrated Merlin, but trying to force yourself will do no good." As the man moved to the other side of the room and began to putter about with his work, Merlin shifted on the cot that had been his own for the last two days and watched the man in curiosity.
Gaius was kind, and Merlin must have trusted him to have told him of his magic. Or at least to have used it in front of him. Gaius had said it was done without thinking, the boy instinctively going to save the physician from an untimely fate, but he'd kept the warlock's secret and helped to watch over and guide him as time had gone on.
Dragging his fingers along his arm, Merlin's head tilted to one side as he watched while Gaius began mixing herbs together in a way similar to his mother. He still remembered Ealdor, something he was relieved about. He remembered his mother and Will, but one thing that was missing was why he had left. So much had changed though, that much he knew.
Lifting his hand and brushing his fingers over his tunic, he furrowed his brows and pressed on the still sensitive skin in the middle of his chest. There were so many new scars that littered his skin, all of them from events that he had no recollection of. Stories and tales and adventures that were nothing but a gaping hole in his mind. He'd done a lot since being in Camelot supposedly, yet he was met with an emptiness that left him hollow and cold whenever he tried to think back on it all.
"How are you feeling?"
Looking up at the question, Merlin sat straighter and curled his fingers around the edge of his cot. "Fine."
"And your head?"
"It aches a bit." He admitted, already knowing better than to try and lie to the elder. In the short time he could recall being around the physician he'd learned lying to him proved ineffective and often times impossible.
"Here, take this, it will help." The man encouraged, walking over and offering a dark tinted vial to the boy who drank it without complaint.
Clutching the empty bottle, Merlin watched while his guardian retreated back to his work. "Gaius?"
"Hmm?"
"You said that since I've arrived you've been helping me with my magic?"
"In a manner of speaking." The man confirmed, shifting a few items on one of the worktables while Merlin stared.
"You have an extensive knowledge of magic though, right?"
Pausing, the physician looked over his shoulder at the boy and drew his brows together in question. "To some extent, yes. What is it that you're wanting to know?"
"Is there a way.." Hesitating, Merlin inhaled a long breath. "Is there a spell or a potion that can bring back the memories I've forgotten?" A beat of silence passed as the elder turned to face him and curious eyes looked him over.
"Perhaps, though not any that I know of offhand. I'd need to do a bit of research, see if I can find anything." He spoke slowly as the boy sat up straighter, the remedy he'd been given already beginning to ease his pain.
"Do you think a healing spell would work?"
"Merlin, I know that look, it's unwise to use magic until you've recovered."
"But I feel fine." He cut in, feeling a twinge of guilt at the partial lie as the man stared at him doubtfully.
"You may not remember me, but I certainly know you and your penchant to dismiss anything that's wrong for the sake of what you've set your mind on doing."
"What am I meant to do then?" He asked dejectedly, slumping a bit where he sat. "Sit here until I heal? That could take days, Gaius, I'll drive myself mad trying to remember."
"And using magic when you're not able to dedicate all you have to it could cause you problems far worse."
"I'm a bit scraped up, that's all." The boy tried again, determination fueling him forwards. "And I could heal myself, I'm sure I could."
"And what would you tell those that asked what happened? Why one moment you were injured and the next you seemed to be in perfect health?" A stern gaze fell on the warlock and caused Merlin to squirm, the truth he spoke fighting against the restlessness the boy felt.
"I've got to try something." He murmured, his head falling as a quiet sigh left the physician.
"Come here, Merlin." Looking up, the man gestured for his ward to rise, the two making their way over to one of his tables before he was being ushered towards a pulled out stool. "I'm going to ask you a couple of questions, and if you can answer them, I won't stop you from trying one of those spells."
"Questions?" Merlin asked dubiously, his eyes tracking the elder's movements as a candle was lifted and held close while the man studied the boy's eyes.
"What is your mother's name?"
"Hunith." He answered immediately, the candle lowering before Gaius rested his hand on the table.
"And what did you have for breakfast yesterday morning?"
"What sort of question is that?"
"Just answer."
"I.." Pausing, Merlin's voice cut out as he turned his head away, uncertainty flaring as he tried to think back. "Well I had.. I.." He couldn't remember. Why couldn't he remember just the day before?
"What about your tunic? What color was it yesterday?" Panic began to set in as Merlin's hands gripped the edges of his stool tightly and he stared at the floor, trying to force his mind to go back. They were such trivial details but he should remember them, so why couldn't he? "Merlin." Forcing his head to lift, the knowing expression the elder wore only set the defeat deeper into the warlock as he looked away again, irritation at himself and the situation burning strong.
"You sustained a blow that, had it been just a fraction off, could have killed you. Give yourself more than a couple of days to recover, allow your brain to no longer bear the marks of what's happened. You will remember in time, perhaps some familiar surroundings will even spark something inside you, but for now you must trust me when I say that magic is not an easy fix for such an injury."
Remaining silent, Merlin could only nod briefly as the physician's hand fell to his shoulder and squeezed before he was moving away and leaving the boy where he sat. Staring down at his open hands, a scar that stretched across his palm caught his attention, his fingers brushing over it carefully. Where had he gotten it? Why was every answer he sought shrouded by the darkness of his own mind?
Scowling as he clenched his fists, a knocking on the door captured his attention as both men turned, their eyes moving to the doorway as a young woman stepped inside, a basket held close to her chest.
"Guinevere." Gaius spoke, offering a smile that she returned brightly.
"Hello, Gaius. I've got the herbs you were in need of. I hope it's enough?"
Passing the basket off to him, the physician looked it over quickly. "It's plenty, thank you my dear."
Pausing a few paces away from him, the girl's smile turned nervous as she looked to the warlock. "Hello, Merlin."
"Hello, Gwen." He nodded, the young woman stepping closer as a stool was offered to her. She'd been by often since he'd woken, introducing herself as the maid to the king's ward and a friend of his own.
"How are you feeling today?"
"Fine." He stated, forcing his hands to unclench as Gaius began to unpack the basket on the table beside them.
"I ran into Arthur in the hall." She spoke after a few moments of silence had passed. "He didn't have time to come by, but he did ask about you."
"Arthur." Merlin repeated, the name sounding strange to him as his eyes cut towards Gaius. "He's-"
"The prince." The elder interjected as the boy barely nodded.
"The one I work for."
"And the one who saved you." Gaius confirmed, turning away with his herbs as the boy's fingers drifted over the scar on his hand once more.
"He was the one here when I woke up, wasn't he?"
"Arthur was here?" Gwen asked, shock clear in her tone as wide eyes darted back and forth between the two men.
"He was, though he didn't remain long." Gaius answered carefully, his tone speaking more than his words as Gwen looked away.
"Well, I let him know that you were doing better, I hope that's alright."
"That's fine." Merlin shrugged a bit, his thumb pressing down against his palm as his brows drew together at the thought that came to mind at her words.
"Is there anything I can do?" Gwen questioned, leaning forwards in her seat. "Anything that could help you to remember?"
"Working." Merlin uttered, lifting his head and meeting the girl's confused gaze.
"Sorry?"
"Working. I want to go back to work." He declared, turning to face Gaius. "You said that surrounding myself with the familiar could help me to remember, and you also said that I spent most of my time with Arthur. So going back to work could help me to recover what I've lost."
It was obvious the boy's sudden eagerness had taken the physician off guard, wary eyes studying the boy before he was glancing to the maid who seemed just as shocked as he. "Merlin, perhaps it would be best to wait a few more days, allow yourself the recovery time that I-"
"Gaius, please." Merlin cut in, leaning against the table and staring intently at his guardian. "If I sit here just waiting I won't be able to stand it. And if.. certain things can't be done yet, at least let me do this." Doing his best to plead his case, the warlock could tell the walls the physician had were crumbling.
"I will speak with Arthur, but you must rest a couple more days before any work can be done. I won't have you making yourself worse for the sake of a few lost memories." The warning was clear but so was the deal, both of which Merlin gratefully accepted.
"Of course. Thank you, Gaius." Merlin practically beamed, looking towards the maid who smiled back at him. Soon he'd remember them all and everything they'd done, he just knew it.
It was so strange. It was like he was there but he wasn't. Shifting his gaze from the paperwork in front of him to the boy across the room for the third time, Arthur studied the slow and silent movements of his servant. No one had expected him to return so soon, but according to Gaius the boy had been insistent. However if the prince had known how odd it would be he might have put up more of a fight.
As Merlin turned Arthur's eyes fell back to his work, and though he looked over the words that were written in his father's careful scrawl, he knew nothing he was reading was actually sticking. It had been quite some time since he'd been left to deal with the files and the taxes and the boring scripts and not had Merlin's pestering voice in his ear. He would often berate him for the distraction, but it made the work more bearable, and now as silence lingered through the room he was desperate for something to change it.
Looking up yet again, Arthur set the quill he held down and eyed the boy standing next to his bed. "Merlin?" His voice obviously startled the boy, the servant jolting as he looked up, his fingers tightening around the pillow he held and creating creases in the fabric.
"Yes?"
"What are you doing?"
"Making your bed?"
"Really?" The prince scoffed, folding his hands over the papers and narrowing his gaze. "Because you've been holding that pillow for half a minute now and failed to do anything more than burn a hole through it with your staring."
Blinking a couple of times, Merlin glanced away before quickly placing it where it belonged, his gaze refusing to return to the blond. "Sorry, I must've been distracted." Distracted, or perhaps he wasn't as well off as he'd tried to convince the physician he was.
"Yes, because you have so many important things to think about that take up your time." Arthur muttered flippantly, receiving only silence in response to his remark as the boy continued with his work. On any normal day the servant would respond with sarcasm or a retort of his own, but the silence that followed only served to make the prince feel awkward within his own chambers.
"Honestly Merlin I'm surprised you're even here. You're granted the rare chance at time off and you just go and throw it away. Next time you want a day off, I think I'll remind you of this." He stated, watching him intently as the continued quiet work threatened to drive him mad. Huffing a small breath to himself and returning to his papers which had suddenly become more entertaining than the boy with him, the only noise was that of Merlin's shoes scuffling across the floor.
"Arthur?"
Glancing up at the voice, Arthur arched a single questioning brow at his name that had finally broken the boy's silence. "What?"
"You.. you saved me the other day, right?" The question was posed while the servant began to straighten the blankets that already looked fine, though the prince kept that observation to himself.
"Yes, so what?"
"Can you tell me anything about what happened? Something that perhaps I might remember?" Standing straighter and staring at him from across the room, Arthur could feel the desperation practically bleeding off of him.
"You were your usual foolish, idiotic self and were captured. That's all." He stated gruffly, leaning back in his chair as the boy ducked his head and turned away. Yet another moment gone by where he might've defended himself, stated something about how it wasn't his fault or about how he hadn't had a weapon to protect himself with. "You still don't remember anything, nothing at all from your time here?" Arthur cleared his throat, an attempt at forcing away the harsh tones while Merlin went about straightening the rest of his room.
"Not really. It's just sort of.. empty."
"Has Gaius any idea of when you'll remember?"
"No, though he said I ought to surround myself with the familiar. Settle back into routine, try to jostle something in that way." Gathering a few items of strewn about laundry and tossing them into a basket near his feet, Merlin looked up at the blond in curiosity. "Is there anything you can tell me about how I was? Anything of significance?"
"Significance?" Arthur practically snorted, pushing aside the quill and papers and propping his elbows against the table. "You're ridiculously clumsy, have little regard for your own safety, and have a terrible habit of getting distracted by the smallest of things. Not to mention you can be quite mouthy. Honestly I think you might be one of the worst servant's I've ever had." He finished, almost smirking by the end as he met the boy's gaze.
He expected indignation, shock, or even a laugh at his own expense, but what he received was a blank stare that was quickly shifted to the ground as the boy knelt to retrieve the basket. Slumping back in his chair, a hand rose to his face as Arthur watched Merlin finish his tasks in silence, not even responding with a face at the attempt towards banter. Rather than getting him to remember, all he'd managed to do was tear him down, which he assumed was the last thing Gaius wanted.
"Merlin-"
"I'll take care of your laundry, Sire." Merlin's voice spoke over his before the servant paused in front of him only for the prince to dismissively wave a hand.
"Go, do your work." With a curt nod, Merlin stepped out of his room and the door shut behind him in what felt like the loudest way possible. Somehow though, the room hadn't changed. The emptiness that lingered was just as strong as it had been when the boy was inside.
"It's ridiculous!" Merlin's voice rose, the boy pacing back and forth in front of the physician while Gaius worked quietly at his table. "You should have heard him going on!" Scowling, the boy paused briefly in front of a stool and drew in a deep breath.
Setting down the herbs that he'd been drying, Gaius looked up at his irritated ward. He knew Arthur got on his nerves occasionally but this was different. This reminded him very strongly of a time months back when the boy first arrived.
"You know what he is?" Merlin spoke again, turning abruptly and pointing a finger at his guardian. "He's a prat." The words were spit out before the boy was pacing again and Gaius worked to force down the smile that wanted to rise.
"Merlin-"
"A pretentious, spoiled prat! I can't believe I work for him! If I'm a terrible servant than why does he bother to keep me around?" Releasing a soft sigh, the elder admitted defeat in trying to calm his ward down, instead watching as he moved back and forth in agitation around the room. "And his chambers, Gaius, they were a mess and he told me it was because I'd been gone for so long! Like I'd taken a holiday. Is there no one else in the entire citadel that can clean up after him? Or is it only me?"
Stepping away from the table, Gaius placed himself in the boy's path as he turned around again. "Perhaps it's time you took a breath, Merlin." He advised, placing his hands on the young warlock's shoulders and ushering him towards a chair.
"You said that Arthur is my destiny, that I'm to keep him safe." He spoke sullenly, slouching back and staring at the floor.
"It is."
"How am I supposed to manage that when I can't even stand to be around him?" He asked in exasperation, throwing his arms up and dragging his fingers through his hair.
"Merlin, you must keep in mind, you've been in Camelot for a year, all this time you've spent with him. If you couldn't stand him, do you think you would have stayed?" The boy's mouth opened, but quickly closed again once he found no argument had come out. "Perhaps what seems to be strange behavior is merely because you cannot remember building a bond with him."
"A bond?" The boy scoffed, dropping his hands to his lap and staring up at the elder. "Gaius, Arthur is infuriating. Everything about him! What could have possibly changed to make us get along?"
"Those things he said to you, why do you think he said them?"
"Because he wanted to, I don't know, anger me?" He grumbled, folding his arms across the table and staring up at the physician who could no longer stop his smile.
"Or perhaps he was attempting to rile you and draw out something more than silence."
"So he insults me?"
"What was the first thing that came to mind?" He questioned, watching while confusion clouded over the boy's face.
"What?"
"When he said those things to you, what first came to your mind?"
"I don't know." He shrugged, though it was obvious what he was hiding.
"Merlin."
"Some comment about my being capable of doing my own laundry. I think." He muttered quietly, refusing to meet the elder's eyes as Gaius let out a soft chuckle that surprised the young man.
"Maybe you should have said that to him."
"And spent the rest of my day in the stocks? He's the prince, Gaius."
"And you're the only person I've seen him allow such things to be said from."
Narrowing his gaze, Merlin leaned against his arms and eyed the man doubtfully. "Why would that be?"
"You treat him as a person." Gaius offered simply, beginning to press a few of the herbs he'd been working with. "The prince is abrasive and quite stubborn, but he also has a good heart and you help to keep him grounded. You respect him, but you also remind him that he's still a person despite his royal standing."
Falling into silence at his words, Merlin's eyes shifted to the table while Gaius continued his work with only the sound of the crackling fire behind him filling the room. "Are we friends?"
Glancing up, Gaius found the boy's intense blue eyes looking back at him. "You and Arthur?"
"Are we friends? You said that we spend a lot of time around one another, and, well.."
"Yes." The physician nodded, resting his hands on the surface of the table. "You're rather good friends, I believe. He may not speak it aloud, but Arthur cares a great deal about what happens to you. Why else do you think he was here waiting for you to wake up?"
"Everything you say we've done, those stories that you told me, they don't seem real." Laying his hands palm up on the table, Gaius caught sight of a scar the boy stared at stretched across his hand. "They don't seem like me."
"But they are." He assured him, reaching out and grasping his forearm tightly. "Just because you cannot remember them now does not mean they never happened. Everything you've done, the relationships that you've formed, they're all still here and they'll all be waiting until the time comes that you remember."
Keeping his eyes on the table, Merlin's head bobbed. "I just.. I wish I had something to grab hold of. Something to fill the emptiness left behind."
"Then do that." His words piqued the boy's interest, Merlin's head lifting as Gaius smiled. "Create new memories while you wait. The next time Arthur goads you, give in. See for yourself the impact you've had on him, and he on you. Perhaps it will lead to nothing, or perhaps it will lead to something great."
And there, finally, a smile began to surface on the warlock's face. "Thank you, Gaius."
"You're quite welcome." Drawing away, the physician returned to his work while the boy rose, his fingers drumming briefly against the wood before he was striding for the door with determination in every step.
It had been a week. The longest week of his entire life. Merlin's days had been filled with his desperate search for the familiar and his nights were nothing but hollowed out voids where his memories had once been. As time passed Merlin had grown to recognize some things, including the way he moved about the citadel and the natural rhythm he fell into while working. Force of habit, Gaius had said.
He'd been doing the same things day in and day out for a year and his body had grown accustomed to them, so while his mind did not remember, his body did. Something that Merlin might have been grateful for had it not been so frustrating.
Guinevere and Morgana spoke to him as if he were fragile, like one wrong word would send him spiraling down the abyss of his own mind. Gaius was no better, because though he did not voice his concerns, the worried eyes that watched his every move had the boy feeling constantly on edge. Of course none of them compared to Arthur.
Merlin didn't remember him, nor any of the time he'd spent by the man's side. Yet everything about him was familiar, a sensation right there at the edge of his vision but always right out of his grasp. The way the prince acted, the way he trained, even the way he yelled.
And all the while Merlin felt like an imposter, just someone living another's life. Was that really him? Were those stories and tales spoken by the people who called themselves his friend's really true? He could no longer tell, and he'd allowed himself to slip into the comfort of believing their words despite the piece of him that could not stop wondering.
"Merlin!"
Jolting, the warlock glanced up from his work tidying the prince's things and met the blond's irritated gaze. "Yes?"
"I've spoken your name three times now, what could possibly be so important that you're deaf to everything going on around you?" He snapped as Merlin held his tongue, glancing away with a quiet apology.
"I asked you if you polished my armor last night, I need it for today." The prince's tone was far less pleasant than usual and as Merlin nodded he found the man's scowl deepening. "Why do you act as though I'm going to hurt you? What is your problem?" He demanded, rising from his chair and stalking towards the servant as Merlin straightened a stack of books on his desk.
"Nothing."
"It's obviously something so out with it!"
Folding his arms across his chest and glaring at the boy, Merlin released a short breath and met his gaze. "I'm merely trying to recall some things."
"Is that why you're so out of sorts? If you can't do your work than go and find me somebody who can."
"I would, if anyone else were capable of dealing with you." He muttered, looking back to the desk as the prince's retreating steps paused.
"What did you say?"
Freezing, Merlin swallowed and peered over his shoulder to find stern blue eyes watching him. "Nothing, I didn't say anything."
"No, I distinctly heard you muttering. So go on, tell me what you said."
"I was just observing that you're a bit out of sorts when you haven't eaten." He remarked easily, waiting for a reaction as the blond scoffed.
"You're not exactly pleasant to be around either, Merlin." He shot back, his retort not quite what the boy had been expecting as he shifted one of the man's quills to the other side of the surface.
"I don't snap as much." He commented, hearing another exasperated scoff leave the prince.
"I don't snap."
"Of course not, my mistake, Sire." He replied, cutting his eyes towards the blond as he let out a sharp breath and sat back at his table.
Turning back to his work, a small smirk toyed at the warlock's lips. Perhaps Gaius had been right, because for the first time since everything had gone wrong, something finally felt right, something finally felt like him. Finishing clearing the man's desk, Merlin took hold of the prince's chainmail that needed mending and caught the other's eye when he spoke.
"When you're done with that, you can muck out my stables." He stated, a smug smile spread across his face as Merlin's own twisted into a grimace. Yes, unfortunately, this all felt very right.
As the day passed and Merlin returned to his chambers to clean himself up after the disagreeable task of cleaning the prince's stalls, the warlock pushed open the door and was greeted with the physician's smile and a book lying open on the table.
"What's going on?" He asked, grabbing a pitcher and pouring water into a large basin before he began to clean his face and hands.
"I believe I've found a spell that may help you with your memories."
Whirling around with water still clinging to his hair, Merlin's eyes widened. "You have?"
"I cannot promise it will work." The physician spoke slowly, gesturing towards the book as the boy moved closer to see it. "But I believe if anything were to be of use, this might be it."
"A way to return something that's been lost?" He read aloud, a scrawling text jotted messily on a bit of parchment that looked yellowed and old.
"Yes. It requires a potion and incantation, but I believe you're strong enough now to try such a thing."
"How long will the potion take to brew? What needs done?"
"It takes a couple of days." The elder spoke as Merlin pulled away from the book and began to look around the room.
"Well let's get started, what needs to be gotten?"
"There's no need." Turning back to his guardian, Merlin watched as the elder sat a darkened vial on the table beside the book while a smile rose to his lips.
"You made one already?" The warlock asked in awe, picking it up and holding it to the candlelight.
"I found the spell a few days ago when we first spoke of it. I knew you'd be eager to try, so I had this prepared."
Grinning widely, the boy lunged forwards and wrapped his arms tightly around his mentor, a laugh leaving him. "Thank you, Gaius."
"Don't thank me until we know if it's worked." He spoke, patting Merlin's back before he drew away and a weathered hand tapped the book. "The spell is an intricate one, and I only had enough of the ingredients for one potion."
"But it will bring back my memories, won't it?"
"I've no way to know for sure." Gaius shook his head while clasping his hands together in front of him. "I myself have never used such a thing, but if your memories are to be brought back through magic, I believe this is your best chance at it."
Nodding in response, Merlin clutched the vial tighter and leaned over to view the parchment, his eyes darting over the written words. Murmuring it to himself a couple of times to perfect the pronunciation, Merlin straightened and pulled the cork out of the vial.
Breathing deeply, the boy's gaze settled on his hands as he worked to concentrate. He'd cast spells a multitude of times according to Gaius, but from what he could remember, all the magic he'd done had been instinctual and without the use of words. And though the feeling felt as familiar as other things had, he could not grasp hold of much more than that to offer him reassurance.
"Trust yourself, Merlin, you can do this." The physician's words encouraged him as his next breath rattled out.
"Diegol cnytte, gewitte me yst, þa tacnian me yst þonne ieceþ sicle."
As the words he spoke drifted over and around him, the potion in the boy's hand began to glow, the liquid inside shifting to a dark purple hue as Merlin's eyes flickered briefly to Gaius before he was downing the contents. Swallowing as he lowered the small glass, a moment of calm washed over him and he began to wonder if the recitation had failed. Opening his mouth to ask the elder what he did wrong, a jolt of pain shot through the boy's head and Merlin's knees were hitting the ground before he knew what was happening.
Groaning as the pain heightened, the vial slipped from his fingers and hit the floor as his hands rose to his head, the warlock clasping at his temples in agony as his breathing turned short and ragged. His body tensed and a daggered pain struck his chest before his body was trembling and his head began to scream in misery.
Digging his fingers into his hair, Merlin attempted to cry out, to beg his guardian for help, when the darkness clouding his mind began to lift and people and places and voices began to flood into his mind all at once.
It was like he was drowning without water, no air to be seen only the visions and the voices ripping through his mind. He could see the Great Dragon telling him of his destiny, he could see Arthur fighting in the tournament against Sir Valiant. He could see Gwen and Morgana hiding away the druid boy and he could see Gaius worrying over him while he was ill.
Conversations and arguments and broken plea's swam around him until he was lost in the midst of it all, the warlock flailing against the uncertainty and the doubts that still told him what he saw was far from real. But then it was there, passing by his eyes just as quickly as the rest, but it was an anchor he grasped ahold of. The most powerful he'd ever been, and the most determined, as his fight with Nimueh flashed before him.
He would not lose his family. He would not lose his friend. He would not lose his home, or his life, or his destiny. He was so many things, and he'd gained so much since coming to this kingdom. He was a sorcerer, a servant, a son, a friend. So much had come to pass, but even more still waited for him.
The storm began to settle and the waves began to still and suddenly Merlin was gasping for breath for the first time in what felt like years. He remembered who he was, and perhaps, for the first time, he was really seeing it too.
"Merlin?" Blinking open his eyes, Merlin's gaze settled blearily on the worried face of his guardian, the man who was like his father, and watched a breath of relief shudder out of him. "I wasn't sure you'd wake, my boy." He spoke, his hands grabbing the warlock's arms and pulling him to sit up, though he had no recollection of ever falling to the floor.
A dull pain ached in the back of his mind, but as he sagged against the hands that held him up, Merlin felt more peace than he had in days. "Merlin? Say something, are you alright?"
Lifting his head, a weak smile drifted onto his face as he nodded. "I remember." He spoke wearily, though his smile grew. "I remember it all."
It wasn't intended. Arthur would never believe him, but he hadn't meant for time to slip by as it had. Gripping the tray tighter, Merlin hurried through the halls towards the prince's chambers and thought back on the events of his last hour with a mixture of elation and disbelief.
The potion had left him feeling nauseas and disoriented, Gaius going so far as insisting he remain on the floor where he'd fallen until the fog had lifted from his mind. He may remember that which he had forgotten, but his injury was still prevalent and he was not going to have the boy overstressing himself.
Merlin didn't bother fighting him on it, not that he would have even succeeded, but he was more preoccupied with the fact that it had worked and he could remember. Though he'd not expected it to be so exhausting. So he'd lost track of time and well, he was already returning to old habits.
Slowing as he reached Arthur's door, Merlin pushed it open and purposely avoided the act of knocking that he'd been doing the last couple of days. Entering the room and carrying the tray to the prince's table where the blond was already sitting, Arthur looked up and fixed the boy with a withering stare.
"It's about time." He muttered, though his words only made the smile the servant wore wider. The prat was the same as always, but somehow he couldn't be happier. "Stop that." The prince grumbled, picking up his fork once the tray was placed as Merlin arched a brow in confusion while he poured his drink.
"Stop what?"
"That grinning."
"Hadn't even realized I was." He stated, pulling away and standing to the side as Arthur frowned.
"You're still doing it."
"I can't help it, I'm happy." The warlock shrugged, anticipation clinging to his every word as Arthur rolled his eyes and returned to his food. "Don't you want to know why I'm so happy?" He pushed, tilting his head and staring intently at the blond who only gripped his fork tighter.
"If I ask you, will you get rid of that ridiculous smile?"
"Yes." He answered hastily, clasping his hands behind his back as a deep sigh rolled out of the prince while his fork clattered to the table.
Folding his hands in front of him, annoyed blue hues met the boy's and a dry tone left the prince. "Merlin, why are you so happy?"
It was obvious he didn't care, but the warlock could barely keep it in as he leaned forwards. "I remember."
"You remember what?"
"Everything." He shrugged, settling back and standing taller again as the prince stared back at him blankly. "Well, not everything, it's still sort of coming back here and there, but I remember." The silence that followed his declaration was one he'd not been expecting, receiving instead the prince's intense stare, the man frozen as if a statue. "Arthur?"
"Could've guessed at such a thing." He muttered suddenly, turning back to his food and stabbing at a piece of meat with his utensil.
"What?"
"It's not difficult, Merlin, you certainly remembered how to be late." Biting back an immediate retort, Merlin dropped his head and fought the urge to roll his eyes at his friend. "Honestly I think you were a better servant before you got your memories back." The words had the smallest hint of a teasing tone, and as the warlock's head lifted again he found the blond peering up at him.
"Maybe, but you'd have gotten bored with me." He shrugged, feeling his lips twitch upwards again as Arthur jabbed his fork at him.
"You're doing it again, stop it."
"I'm just smiling."
"Yeah, and it's creepy. Go do something useful with yourself instead of standing there like some idiot." He muttered, waving a hand flippantly at him as the boy turned away with a shake of his head. Arthur would never change, would he? Though he had kept the boy safe, and made sure he'd made it to Gaius despite the difficulties.
"Thank you." Merlin spoke up a moment later as he stepped over to the prince's wardrobe, catching sight of a tunic half closed in the door.
"For what?" The weary sigh that left the man did little to deter the boy as he glanced over his shoulder.
"For helping me. I remember the bandits, and I know you risked your own life to get me back to Camelot safely, so thank you."
"Shut up, Merlin." Arthur muttered, taking a drink from his goblet and staring down at his plate. "But for the record, it wasn't for you. It was about the principle. They'd killed two of my men, I wasn't about to let them kill my servant as well, how pathetic would that be?"
"Right, course. Well, thanks all the same." Adjusting the tunic carefully and closing the wardrobe's door, Merlin looked back over his shoulder and caught sight of the prince staring quietly at his plate, the smallest of smiles twitching the corner of lips before he was shoveling a bite of food into his mouth. No, Arthur would never change, but then again, Merlin didn't want him to.
A/N
Wow I really don't like this chapter. Like, I really kinda hate it. Normally when I write these I go into it having mapped out exactly what I want to happen. This time? Not even close. The first chapter came to mind and I just kind of assumed the rest would fall into place, but then I got crazy busy and I knew how it would end but that was about it. So if this chapter is an absolute trash fire I'm so sorry and you all deserved better.
I hope you're all well and had a good holiday if you celebrated! I'm excited to write (better) chapters under the light of my Christmas tree and honestly I'm considering doing a couple of holiday specials? What do you guys think? Let me know! Thanks for reading, and leave a comment if you want!