Crystals. Shining. Shimmering. Clear aside from the vision that filled the insides. All around Merlin they glittered and gleamed and screamed.

The walls were closing in on him from all sides. The ceiling and the floor folded like hands until he was nothing but a ball, squished between the growing crystals and forced to stare into them. Forever.

Screams echoed in his ears, loud and long, and his fingers clawed at his head in desperation. They needed to stop. Please just stop.

The images shifted and changed constantly. One moment they were of Arthur falling from a great cliff, the next was a vision of Gaius stumbling across the room, clutching his chest and struggling to breathe. Camelot in flames. Gwen bleeding from the head. His mother screaming his name, an arrow sticking out of her chest.

And Morgana's eyes. They were staring at him, blank and empty aside from hate. Hatred towards Uther, and Arthur, and Camelot. And Merlin. She hated him. He almost killed her twice now. How many more times would he try, and when would he succeed?

The walls were too tight now. He couldn't breathe.

He couldn't breathe.

He couldn't—

Jolting awake, Merlin gasped for breath, his chest too tight and his lungs screaming for air he couldn't get. Twice. He'd almost killed Morgana twice. Oh God. What was he becoming? He couldn't even blame this on the language he was learning. Not the sorcerer, or the dragon. No one but himself. He was responsible for this.

Drawing in another short, wheezing breath, Merlin curled over on his bed, his hands balled into fists and clutching desperately at his chest. He needed to breathe. He had to calm down. But when he closed his eyes he saw those crystals. The cave. Morgana. Always Morgana.

Merlin's eyes flew open and a strangled cry left him, sweat rolling down his face as his chest constricted painfully. He was dying. He couldn't breathe and he was going to die because of it. Maybe he deserved this. After everything he'd done, this served him right. All he could hear was the dragon's warning, rolling around inside his head. How anything that Morgana did now would be on his head.

Dropping his head into his hands, Merlin's fingers curled into his hair and his nails dug into his skull. He wanted them to stop. The voices, the visions, the memories, the screaming. Too much screaming. What was happening to him?

The harder he tried to breathe, the more he struggled, and the more it hurt. He wanted to cry out for Gaius, he wanted it to stop, but there was a piece of him that believed he deserved this.

Rocking back and forth on his bed, Merlin tried to count his breaths, tried to inhale and exhale at appropriate times, but it was all stuttered and wrong. And it hurt. So much.

Time passed, and light began to brighten the sky, and eventually the boy calmed. At some point he even managed to fall asleep. It wasn't a peaceful sleep, with his body tense and his face stained with tears, but it was a couple of hours of nothing and that was what he needed.

When he woke the sun was shining through his window, and he was curled in a ball in the middle of his bed, the blanket and the pillow thrown to the floor during his fits earlier in the night. It took a few moments to untangle himself from his own limbs, his arms and legs heavy and his head unwilling to lift.

After a while though Merlin was upright, though he wasn't entirely sure what had led him there, and he was standing in the middle of his room dreading the day. His body ached and each twist of his muscles hurt, but it was his mind that was truly exhausted.

The idea of walking, talking, and working nearly made him crawl back into bed. Above anything else though, he just felt empty. Not due to hunger—he actually felt incredibly nauseas—but empty of everything else.

He knew it was late in the morning, that he was certainly late in waking Arthur, and that he had much to attend to for the day, but he didn't care. He didn't have the energy to care. So he stood lingering in his room, trying to muster up the will to move, and speak, and prepare for his day.

When more time had passed and no motivation presented itself except to climb back into bed, Merlin walked out into the physician's chambers in his rumpled bed clothes and mussed hair. Gaius was already in the swing of his day, puttering about with his potions and gathering together a bag that Merlin was certain would be thrust upon him the first chance the elder got.

Stumbling down the steps and finding his body far too tired to go any further, Merlin sank onto the first stool that presented itself and stared wearily at the wall in front of him. Why couldn't he care? Why did he feel so numb? Even the pain that racked through his body didn't bother him, the aches nothing more than a dull notion in the back of his mind that he registered as only minutely important.

"Merlin?" Fingers snapped in front of the boy's face and Merlin started, blinking a couple times as he was wrenched from his daze and stared at the elder who looked as if he'd been standing there for a while. "What's the matter? Are you feeling ill?"

There was concern in the physician's words, and Merlin blinked again as he tried to remember how to make his mouth move. When words failed him, Merlin barely shook his head, feeling a twinge of pain shoot through his neck and causing him to wince.

"Merlin, you're not acting right." Gaius leaned closer as he spoke, and his hand found the boy's forehead as the warlock swallowed.

"I'm just tired." He spoke slowly, each word feeling like a weight being pressed down on his shoulders, and Gaius frowned.

"This seems like more than just being tired." The elder said skeptically as Merlin shook his head and turned his attention to the window.

"What time is it?"

"Midmorning. I thought you'd already left for the day."

"I'm late waking Arthur." The boy's head drooped as he said that, and dread settled over him. He knew he needed to go, that he needed to get up and do his job, but the weight of the world was forcing him into that stool, and he was certain he couldn't stand even if he tried.

"Yes, I know. Arthur already came by. He said you had the day off, so not to worry when you were finally found."

"Wait, what?" Confusion surged to the surface, and Merlin's head lifted again while his brows tugged together in question. Arthur had given him a day off? Was he not the only one feeling strange that day?

"Yes, he said it was something to do with owing you for your time in the woods, though he did not elaborate further as to what that meant." While Gaius explained, a small smile tugged at his lips.

Of course, that was because the physician knew why Arthur wouldn't elaborate. Merlin had told Gaius everything that day, from the crystal cave to Arthur being hit with the arrow. As well as the lie Merlin had told of Arthur knocking himself out. No, the prince would go out of his way to avoid discussing that he was sure.

Though Merlin supposed the timing was fortuitous, as the knowledge that he wouldn't have to deal with the prince that day was one that eased the weight over him, if only slightly.

"Merlin, perhaps you should return to bed."

"No." The boy said quickly, shaking his head a couple of times and wincing again at the movement.

He didn't offer anything further by way of explanation, and his guardian stared at him before walking away. A moment later he returned with some bread and a small chunk of cheese that Merlin knew was left over from their dinner the night before.

"Eat something then, it will help." Setting the food on the table in front of the warlock, Merlin only stared, unwilling to force his arms to move and waste what energy he had to try and lift the food to his mouth. Besides, he wasn't hungry. He was still empty. Just empty.

Closing his eyes and inhaling slowly, Merlin's head lowered again, only to have his mind filled with the crystal cave once more. Jolting up, his eyes flew open and found Gaius studying him.

"Alright, out with it. What is wrong with you?" He demanded, though in a kinder manner than usual.

"Don't know what you mean." Even lying took energy he didn't have. All Merlin wanted was to sleep for hours and hours, but he knew the dreams would come if he did. The fire. The screaming. Morgana's eyes.

Sniffling, Merlin looked away from his guardian, not wanting the elder to see the tears burning his eyes and threatening to fall at any moment.

"You know very well what I mean. You're not pressuring me for answers, you're not wondering about the future or talking about that cave. So, what is it?"

"I'm just too tired." Merlin said bluntly, wondering if it would've been better to just lay in bed and not bother with talking.

Even if he couldn't sleep at least it would offer him peace from everyone else. But then again, did he really want to be left alone with his thoughts? The answer was no, not really. He didn't want to let the nightmares run rampant in his mind. His day off no longer sounded so promising.

"Merlin, talk to me." Gaius spoke softly, far softer than Merlin had heard in a while, and the tone of his voice was enough to cause the first tear to fall, splattering to the table as the boy sniffed again.

"It's too much." He murmured, closing his eyes tightly and trying to keep his voice steady. "It's all just too much." Shaking his head, Merlin opened his eyes and kept them firmly placed on the single wet spot on the table. "I'm exhausted, Gaius. Constantly worrying about Morgana, Arthur, my magic."

Now that he was going he couldn't seem to stop, the words rolling out of him faster as more tears spilled down his face. "Now I have to worry about a future I've only seen in flashes? And I still see them, and I can still hear her scream as she fell down the stairs. I caused that. I nearly killed her. I—"

Sucking in a sharp breath, Merlin closed his eyes tightly again and ignored the warmth rolling down his cheeks in a steady wave as he clenched his fists tighter. "I'm just so tired. I'm so.. so tired.." He heard movement between his choked sobs, his hands and sleeves wet with tears he couldn't make stop.

Gaius' hand fell on his shoulder then, and the elder leaned over him. "Merlin, look at me."

But he couldn't. He couldn't. Not with the tears and the failure and the guilt. He didn't want to look at anyone again and risk seeing disappointment and disgust. He couldn't stand to see the things he felt about himself on the face of someone he cared so much about.

"Look at me, Merlin." Gaius' hand moved to the boy's face, the physician's fingers gently wrapping around Merlin's chin and tilting it up and to the side.

Finally opening his eyes and looking at the blurry face of his guardian, all he saw was kindness. Kindness, and love, and concern. The elder continued to hold his chin while old and wizened eyes studied his face.

"Perhaps this day off came at a good time."

"No." Merlin said, trying to shake his head, though the grip on his chin kept him from shaking very far. "I want to work. I want to stop thinking."

Finally letting go of him, Gaius stood up straight and stared at the young warlock with the same look that Merlin often saw his mother get when her mind was decided about something.

"You've dealt with a lot the last few days, Merlin. And those visions would have been a lot for anyone."

"I barely stopped it from happening." He moaned, dropping his head into his hands and rubbing at his eyes, sick of the free flowing water dripping down his face.

"But you did stop it, Merlin."

"By going about it in all the wrong ways!" Throwing his hands up, desperation leaked into his words as Merlin sucked in a shallow breath, feeling the same panic from the morning welling up inside him. "What is the point in changing the future for the better if I have to kill someone to make that future happen? I don't want to kill, Gaius. I don't.. I can't.. I.."

His breathing was too fast. His chest heaved and his lungs were demanding air that he couldn't draw in quick enough. Fear prickled his skin and Merlin clutched the edge of the table, wide eyes darting back and forth.

"Merlin, calm down. It's alright." The physician soothed, reaching out and placing his hands on the boy's shoulders as Merlin shook his head back and forth, feeling as if he were about to explode. "Merlin, take a breath."

"I'm.. I'm trying.."

"Breathe." Placing one hand over the young warlock's heart, Gaius took a deep breath and gestured for the boy to follow. And he tried, he really did. But it took longer than he would've liked.

He struggled to catch his breath, and as his fingers dug into the table, Gaius continued to urge him to take slow, deep breaths. When he finally managed to curb his panic and ease the terror, his breaths came easier. With the calm though came the exhaustion, much worse than before.

Slumping down, Merlin felt his body giving up. He was tired, and drained, and no longer had even a fraction of energy left to care about how pathetic he had just been. He was supposed to be a great warlock, with a destiny even greater, yet there he was falling under the pressure of what he was meant to do.

Gaius' hand moved to the back of the boy's head, his fingers curling gently into his hair, and urged him to look at him. "You are just one person, Merlin. You cannot forget that."

"One person with a great destiny, right?" He asked wearily, his eyelids growing heavier the longer he tried to keep them open.

"You are still young, and you cannot carry the weight of the world on your shoulders all the time." Gaius spoke softly, his fingers moving slowly against the boy's dark hair, and the movement drew a yawn that Merlin barely stifled.

"But you've said—"

"I know what I've said, what many have said, but hear what I'm saying now." He'd gotten that firm tone again, a parental tone that said he wasn't allowed to argue. "Rest for today. Worry about everything else tomorrow."

"But—"

"Hush, Merlin. I won't hear any arguments." Gaius said decidedly, grasping ahold of the boy's elbows and forcing him to rise.

His legs felt weak beneath him, but the warlock allowed the physician to lead him back to his bedroom. The elder cast a curious look at the bedding thrown about, and all Merlin could do was shrug.

"Bad night." He mumbled, sitting on the edge of his bed as Gaius retrieved the pillow from the floor and pushed on the boy's shoulders until he was lying back.

"Rest now, Merlin. I'll check on you later." Standing up to leave, the man had barely taken two steps before Merlin was calling out, the warlock propped up on an elbow as dread washed over him. He didn't want to be alone.

"Don't make me fetch a sleeping draught." The elder warned, turning to look over his shoulder as the young warlock swallowed once.

"How do I.." He trailed off, losing his courage as he realized how childish his question sounded. Why should he worry his mentor, or ask questions the man couldn't possibly have the answer to?

"How do you what?"

"Stop it. The screaming." Merlin whispered, his voice carrying the fear and the weariness he was sure his face held too. And in that moment he saw it. The way Gaius' expression crumbled.

Uther had made that comment about parents feeling their child's fears and pains, and Merlin knew right then that Gaius felt his.

The elder sat down beside the boy on the bed, and the look he gave his ward made Merlin's heart ache. "Do you mean the visions?" Barely nodding, Gaius rested a hand on the boy's arm. "What you saw already happened."

"I can still smell the smoke, Gaius. I can feel the flames, and I can still see Morgana over Uther and I—" Sucking in a breath, Merlin closed his eyes tight and willed his heart to slow, not wanting to feel the panic breaking him apart once more. "The screaming, Gaius. It's going to drive me mad."

"What screaming?" The elder frowned, and Merlin shook his head.

"It started the other night. Quiet, at first. Getting louder. Like a warning. Or a threat. I don't know. But it's long, and loud, and I just can't." Clutching at his head, more tears leaked down the boy's face.

Gaius was quiet for a moment, letting the boy get his emotions out, and when he was finished his guardian patted his shoulder gently. "I'll stay here with you until you fall asleep. To chase off those nightmares." And then he smiled, one of those conspiratorial smiles he got sometimes, and an ease fell over the warlock. With it though came another question, one he'd been afraid to ask.

"Gaius?"

"Hmm?"

"Uther said to me.. before. He said that as a parent, you feel what your child feels." He felt embarrassed just bringing it up, his cheeks warming, and he averted his gaze as he hurried on. "Their joys and.. their failings.. and—"

"Their fears?" Gaius asked, cutting in with an understanding look. When Merlin only nodded, Gaius drew in a breath and let it out. "Yes, Merlin. That's true."

"Do you.." Pausing, the boy swallowed despite how dry his throat was and tried to voice his question. "Are you disappointed in me, for looking into that book?" Tears he had long ago stopped trying to control slipped down his face again, and Gaius regarded the boy gently.

Reaching out, the physician's open hand rested against the warlock's cheek, and for a moment Merlin let his head fall against the warm touch.

"I am not disappointed." When he spoke, the boy's eyes flew open, and found that Gaius was considering his words carefully before speaking. "I doubt I could ever be truly disappointed in anything you do, my boy. However, I do worry for you. The knowledge that you're seeking is forbidden for a reason, though I do understand the press of curiosity."

Gaius hesitated, and the boy wasn't sure if it was his imagination or not, but he thought he saw tears welling up in his guardian's eyes. "I only wish for you to resist that temptation, so I may not lose you to it. I'm not certain that I could handle the loss of you." The boy's eyes were getting heavier, and Gaius' hand brushed aside his hair as he urged him to lie back again. "Now sleep and give your mind a rest from these worries."

"Gaius?" Merlin asked drowsily as Gaius' hand continued to move through his hair.

"Yes Merlin?"

"Thank you for caring for me."

The warlock's eyes fell shut, and as he drifted into a finally peaceful rest, he could hear the smile in Gaius' words. "I always will, my boy."

A/N

A chapter out before a whole month has passed? I'm as shocked as you! But hey, I hope you all enjoyed and that you have a great end/start of your new year!

One of my resolutions is to post every three weeks, so let's see if your girl can manage that!

Feel free to leave any comments, questions, or ideas for me, and I'll see you all in the new year!