FANFICTION
Mineta started typing.
"There was a girl. She was very beautiful. And she had super huge boobs. They were super squeezable, and if you buried yourself in them, they'd never find your body. She was also really into short, devilishly attractive-"
Mineta examined his reflection, sighed, and hit the backspace key.
"Modestly attractive-"
The screen cracked. "Not quite ugly heroes, especially if they had big squeezable balls. She liked them so much that she wrote her own fanfiction about them. She typed, 'There was this dashing, romantic, gallant figure, keeping vigil.'
'A loud shriek broke the silence. Three lanky, slobbering ruffians hooted and jeered as they chased after a woman, like hyenas hunting a graceful gazelle. As the ruffians closed in, she cried out for help.'
'Like an angel descending from the heavens, he answered. Lithe, compact, and the perfect height for smothering in one's chest, the hero swooped upon the leader. A single sphere upon his brow had the ruffian groveling in the dirt where he belonged. The other two were too tall and clumsy to dodge the deft jabs between their legs.
As the hero stood, their hair swaying in the breeze, he cast his dark, soulful eyes upon the damsel in distress and asked, "Are you unharmed, my lady?"'
'The woman winced. "I must have sprained my ankle running from those awful, nasty men."
"Fear not. I'll carry you home."'
'The hero scooped her up in his firm, muscular arms. He leapt across the rooftops and flew in through her bedroom window. He got her an ice pack and went to the window. She called out, "Wait! I should reward my brave hero somehow."
"Your beautiful face is reward enough for me."
Blushing, the woman said, "But that can't be the only thing about me you'd like, is it? I could show you something super special. Something I haven't shown another boy before."
The hero averted his eyes. "I couldn't possibly. I have other people to protect."
"But what if those big bad men come back? Surely you can stay a little longer to keep me safe."
"Very well then. For your safety."
Once the hero got on her bed, she showed him her fanfiction collection.
"I've been too nervous to post these. What do you think?"
The hero read, "Extras mingled about the school entrance like drooling, knuckle-dragging chimpanzees, gawking up at the green-haired silhouette standing at the roof's edge."'
Reality shuddered around Mineta. The text on his screen formed a glowing loop.
"Yes!" Mineta shouted. "The fanfiction realm! Wish fulfillment, harems, gamer powers, here I come!"
He leapt through. Candles flickered around a bed and a feminine figure lay obscured by shadows.
"Jackpot!"
"Oh, you flatterer." Recovery Girl turned over, revealing her wrinkly visage and black lingerie. "Now come here and let me kiss all your booboos away."
Mineta took a deep breath. "Good enough for me!"
As Recovery Girl puckered up, her lips morphed into a xenomorph's biting tongue. Mineta screamed as she pounced.
500
What Mineta failed to account for is that, while there are an infinite number of raunchy wish-fulfillment stories, he doesn't get lucky in any of them.
Alternative endings include being stranded on a desolate island/planet, Warhammer 40k, a Saving Private Ryan reenactment, and Recovery Girl in lingerie. Crap, I wish I did the lingerie thing now. Oh well.
Is what I would say if I was a coward and a wimp! The original was infinite Minetas slaving over pyramids for Yaoyoruzu. Kinda stings to come up with something better after you just finished, but that's showbiz, baby!