KIDNAPPING

A man waved a sack of candy from the back of an unmarked white van. "Hey kid. Do you like candy?"

Izuku scanned the bag. "Affirmative. I greatly enjoy processed simple carbohydrates and artificial flavors."

"Uh… right. I have lots more in the back. Why don't you come in and take some?"

"My mom says I should not enter vehicles with strangers."

"I am Steve," not-Steve said. "Now we're not strangers, right?"

"Incorrect. You do not know my name, so I am a stranger to you."

"Your name is Izuku, isn't it?"

"Affirmative. We are no longer strangers."

"Then why don't you hop in and help us unload this candy?"

"Okay."

When Izuku hopped inside, something under the van went crunch. The driver glanced back and asked, "Was that the freaking suspension?"

"Shut up Clyde, once we're done we can buy a million suspensions. No, a million vans! Shut up and start driving!"

Not-Steve upended the sack over Izuku's head and tied it shut. Then he clapped a pair of handcuffs over his wrist. "You got her number?"

"Yep!" The goon in the passenger seat waved a cellphone. "Want me to call her now?"

"Wait until we're back at base. We can send her some pretty pictures of her son."

"The candy was delicious," Izuku said. "Can I have some more?"

"Beg your mom to give the big strong men whatever they want and you can have as much as you like."

"Which big strong men?" Izuku asked.

Not-Steve rolled his eyes. "Us, you stupid brat."

"But you are neither big nor strong. The tallest among you is five feet and eight inches, in the bottom twentieth percentile of the Japanese population, and while strength is a less documented metric, cross-referencing your muscle density against athletes, heroes and construction workers puts you well below the commonly defined standard of strength."

"Keep mouthing off, kid, and I'll show you exactly how big and strong we are." As not-Steve menacingly cracked his knuckles, he registered the fact that Izuku had neither sack nor cuffs on him. "Clyde! I told you to get the Quirk suppressors!"

"Those were the Quirk suppressors! Did you put them on wrong?"

"What kind of idiot puts on cuffs wrong? On the wrists, snap them shut, boom! No more Quirk."

"Then explain to me how the hell the brat ate our freaking handcuffs!"

Izuku stood up and squeezed not-Steve's throat. "Mom says I shouldn't play with you guys anymore." Not-Steve thrashed and banged his hands on Izuku's face. Not-Steve was the only one getting bruises. "She says I should put you guys to sleep."

Not-Steve gurgled and fell limp to the van floor. Clyde screamed and ran the van off the road.

Moments later, every squad car in the city converged around the crash site. Izuku stepped out, drenched in crimson and kidnappers' tears and said, "Shh. The bad men are sleeping."

Izuku reached into a drenched sack and ate some candy.

494

Don't worry, the mysterious red liquid is just Gatorade. That Clyde's Quirk gives him Gatorade for blood is an entirely unrelated tidbit.

Kidnapper, with pistol to Izuku's head: come any closer and I shoot the kid!

Inko: *comes closer*

Kidnapper: *fires*

Bullet: *ricochets off Izuku's head and perforates kidnapper's liver*

Kidnapper: okay, how about a discount?