Chapter 4
Conflicting Feelings
It was a sunny day, with a few specks of fluffy white clouds floating silently across the cerulean blue skies. The air was fresh and a little cold; yellow and red leaves from the maple trees rustled in the chilly, gentle winds. It was a nice autumn day, and Shinichi couldn't help but feel his mood lifting as he exited the professor's beloved Beetle.
They were on a camping trip that the professor recommended. "We all need a break," he beamed after they had spent weeks sorting through numerous files and documents on the Black Organization.
It had been a waiting game, and Jodie-Sensei had just informed him that the operation was still on its way.
"Ai-kun, could you get the sleeping bags," the professor called out to the girl who was still sitting at the front, reading a drabby heavy book on atomic particles. Shinichi observes as she closes the book. Haibara had been strangely quiet these past few weeks, with fewer smiles and increasingly moody dispositions. The children were beginning to worry and had started talking amongst themselves again, probably forming a ploy to help her get better. It was weeks later when the professor suggested a camping trip. The children had obliged enthusiastically before turning to Haibara.
Her mood—the likely reason why the professor recommended the camping trip in the first place.
The children exited the vehicle excitedly and began assembling the tents. A little scuffle broke out between Genta and Mitsihiko. Haibara eyes them with a fierce glare, stopping their argument, and Ayumi laughs in the corner. Lifting the metal pots from Hakase's car, Shinichi smiled. They were bigger than usual, and he understood why when Sonoko and Ran pulled up in a taxi.
"Ran-nee-chan!" the children shouted enthusiastically as they ran towards her.
"What about me?" Sonoko demanded.
"Sonoko Obaa-chan," Genta greeted, earning him a bump.
"Rude kids," she murmured, and the group fell back into easy laughter.
"Ah, Conan-kun," Ran called him a while later. They were walking through the temperate forest, looking for firewood. He saw his childhood friend, her long dark hair glistening in the sunlit trees as she hiked through the mossy undergrowth. He had always admired her beauty and today was no different. If this were another lifetime, he might already be with her. Her cheerful demeanor and gentle disposition made her a hit back in school, where she was insanely popular.
Sonoko had described her as "wife material," and she had blushed at the implication. Ran was kind, gentle, and beautiful—exhibiting feminine charm...but she was also—incredibly strong. Shinichi glanced wearily at a load of firewood she was carrying with ease.
"Yes, Ran-nee-chan," he replied. Having purposefully slowed her pace, she watched the children as they ran about like rabbits exploring the clearing around them. Haibara stood by the side of the stream, leaning against a tree, staring at the gentle flow.
Her auburn hair swayed gently in the wind, and she seemed to be lost in thought.
"Is Ai-chan ok?"
His childhood friend, as usual, was perceptive to the emotions of others. Her tendency to be considerate was one of her greatest strengths and also her greatest weakness.
"Yeah," Shinichi answered, "She's just tired. Hakase says she's been sleeping late."
"Ah...is that so," Ran eyed the younger girl with concern.
"She's probably testing out some of Hakase's new games," he lied.
"Well, if you say so," Ran pondered before approaching Haibara. Amused, he watched as his childhood friend pulled Haibara from the tree toward the children. The girl failing miserably to pry Ran off. She was eventually forced to participate in the activities his childhood friend had prepared.
"If someone had asked me what I would be doing in ten years, I would not have thought that I would be making acorn stickmen in the middle of some woods," Haibara muttered. Shinichi snickered as Ran and the children gathered the materials they would need. Having picked up the acorn from the ground, he twirled it in his fingers.
"Why so cynical, Haibara?" he teased, dropping his acorn and looking at the miserable figure she had created. She had fashioned sticks and acorns into a flimsy stick man and had half-heartedly drawn a generic smiley face on it. "With your knowledge of the classics, I would have pegged you as an artistic genius, but—" he chuckled at her creation.
Shooting him a withering glare, she surveyed his creation. Sticks and acorns are arranged haphazardly, with no apparent purpose. "What were you trying to make?" she asked, picking it up. Shinichi was quite pleased with it—an abstract creation that he'd managed to fix together without the use of glue. He grinned when she passed it back to him.
"A corpse?" she asked, and his smile faded.
"Are you blind?"
Haibara reacted accordingly. Reaching for a marker, she drew two crosses on one of the acorns, effectively changing it into a dead man's expression.
"There, now it fits. A mangled corpse."
He yanked the figure back from her.
"You little—" And paused when she placed the marker tips on his cheeks.
"Oh," he declared, grabbing a marker of his own. "It's war."
A fight ensued, and with tips pressed on skin, they attempted to draw on the other's face.
She had left a distasteful poop emoji on his left cheek, and he had drawn a crooked spiral on her right.
"Stop it," she demanded, struggling to hold his arm back.
"Not if you keep this up!" he argued, flustered by her sudden attack.
"Kudou!" she warned as he crept closer, grinning evilly.
"Kudou?" Ran asked as the two children jumped, stunned by the older girl's appearance. Haibara tripped, pulling Shinichi along.
"Oh!" the children exclaimed as Shinichi winced from the impact.
"Dammit, Haibara!" he started, then pulled back in horror when he saw who was underneath him. Her crystal eyes were awfully close to his. Strands of auburn hair were fanned out in the grass. Golden rays penetrated through the trees, illuminating pale flawless skin. A painting—Shinichi thought. Warmth flooded his cheeks as he took in a sharp breath—enthralled by the sight.
"What are you doing!"
The children spotted them, and the spell was broken.
"Get off her!" Mitsuhiko shouted, yanking him away.
"Conan-kun! What are you doing?" Ayumi scolded in disdain while Genta folded his arms. Ran was staring at the two of them with questioning looks, and he sighed as Haibara was helped up by Mitsuhiko, petting herself down from the dirt.
"Kudou?" Ran asked again.
"Kurou," Shinichi replied nervously. "A crow," he said a little too quickly and Ran frowned.
"I spotted it," Haibara coming to his rescue. Ran regarding the information before sighing.
"Ai-chan, are you ok?" Ran eventually asked, and the girl nodded.
The spiral-shaped pattern on her cheeks was visible when she turned.
It was quite strange for their mature friends to act in such a childish manner, and the children couldn't contain their laughter. Even Ran, who had been suspicious, couldn't help but chuckle.
"You're to blame," Shiho complained moments later when they were both washing their faces in the nearby stream.
"You started it," he retorted, and she scoffed.
Despite washing thoroughly, the spiral-shaped mark was still visible on her cheek. Unconsciously, Shinichi reaches to wipe it away. But as his hands brushed across her smooth skin, he felt her stiffen under his touch. And he was suddenly aware of the strange feeling squirming in his chest.
"What?" she asked.
"It's still there," he gestured to her cheeks sheepishly, "My drawings."
"It's that so?" Haibara intoned. Before he knew it, a red maple leaf was used to wipe the smudges off his cheek. The rough edge caused him to shriek in an unmanly way.
"Haibara!" he snapped as she chuckled. Scowling, he chided her as they wiped their faces dry.
"Worked, didn't it?" she teased, and he sighed.
What had he seen in this girl earlier?
The thought—banished to the back of his mind as they made their way back to camp.
Just when she thought things couldn't get any noisier. Shiho finds herself stuck between the shrieking children and the three overly exuberant college students— who had been camping beside them.
Observing them, Shiho could not help but scoff. After all, given Shinichi's condition, she wouldn't be surprised if one died. Shaking the morbid thoughts away, she focused instead on cutting the vegetables for the stew.
"A graduation trip?" Sonoko flirted with one. Though the brown mustache and beard hid most of his features, he had a handsome face. It was his chestnut eyes; however, that was the most telling. The brown-haired girl was practically throwing herself onto him, and he was slightly apprehensive.
"Yeah," he replied nervously as he tried to back away. "It's been a week, so we thought this would be a fun getaway."
He was Kimura Takahashi, 25 years old and a recent graduate from the University of Tokyo. An extrovert who—in a span of two minutes—had introduced his companions and himself to them. He had a bubbly personality and often cracked jokes that would send the children into fits of laughter. In contrast, his companion, Hiroshi Wataru, a rather short black-haired man with nerdy-looking spectacles, was more subdued. Wataru-san was friendly, though. Offering to cut the potatoes for the curry they were sharing later.
As for their third companion, Haibara can't say she liked him very much. Having spat out his introduction, he called himself a Watanabe Taro. The tall, stocky man with a permanent scowl was working near the stove. Speaking roughly, the children knew not to approach him.
"Hmm...who does he remind me of," Shinichi teased when Watanabe-san made a cynical remark. Annoyed, she kicked him in the shin.
When dinner was ready, they ate together. Shinichi asked a peculiar question halfway through the stew.
Trust him to spot such a minute detail.
Shiho could only shake her head in resolution.
"You said that there are four of you. Where is he?"
"Kenta? He's in the tent," Kimura answered with a smile, "he's been feeling ill since we left for the trip."
"Oh, we can save some stew for him!" Ayumi exclaimed, and before anyone could stop her, the considerate girl had grabbed a bowl and was now skipping toward the tent. Seeing this, Watanabe Taro rushed toward the little girl. It was strange, and Shiho was sure Shinichi noticed it too.
"Stop! He's still sleeping!" he scolded loudly. Ayumi recoiled in shock, innocent eyes regarding him with fear. It was too much, and Shiho felt her protective instinct take over. Standing in front of Ayumi, she glared at the man.
"She's just being nice. Was there a need to scream?" she quipped, and he fell silent.
"Ai-chan," Ayumi attempted to pull her away, "It's ok."
But Shiho refused to budge—not until the man apologized.
He sighed before opening the tent. In the dim lighting, Shiho could make out the outline of a man wearing a pink snow cap tucked underneath a sleeping bag. Moments later, Watanabe Taro brought out some sweets before zipping the tent close. Handing them to Ayumi as he apologized awkwardly. The girl broke into a grin before passing the bowl of stew to him. "For the man inside," she told him, and he obliged.
"What was that all about?" Genta asked innocently when they returned to the table.
"Taro is bad with kids," Hiroshi explained, "But he's really nice when he wants to be. You just need to spend more time with him."
"And the similarities are striking," Shinichi eyed her with a smug expression, and Shiho had the desire to wipe it clean. She was plotting to do so when the children turned toward her with audible gasps.
"Just like Ai-chan!" Ayumi exclaimed, the boys nodding in agreement. She scowled, unable to refute their claims.
Shinichi spits out the tea he had been drinking and bursts into laughter.
"Watch out."
"Told you," he continued.
Taking the hot pepper they had thrown into the curry as a joke, she shoved it into his mouth. He stood up, dancing in a comical way, before spitting out the pepper.
"Dammit, Haibara!"
As the children laughed.
"I warned you."
The evening passed, dissolving into easy conversations that didn't require much thought. Light-hearted topics like fishing, high school, the acorn pieces they made today, and college subjects. A welcomed change from the dreams that have plagued her these past few weeks.
She had been having them frequently ever since the FBI's visit. Nightmares consisting of dead sisters and a silver-haired man she was unable to think about. Sinking into contemplative thought, she studies the group before her. They were talking and laughing—carefree in nature. As embers from a fire ebbed in the enveloping darkness, Shiho was reminded once again that she did not belong.
Shinichi had told her to accept her past and move on. Sentiments he shared with her after what he coined the "bus incident." His words though grounded, were not something she could agree with. The feelings of helplessness and terror were still vivid. Her decision to leave—still valid. It was for their good, she told herself. But she knew better.
She doesn't deserve it.
Not the warmth of the children. Whose innocent approach to her somewhat cynical worldview comforted her deeply.
Not the kindness of Ran, who, despite everything, treated her with kindness and patience.
Not the fatherly presence of the professor who had taken her into his wing.
And especially not from—him.
They did not belong to this darkness.
Memories emerge from deep recesses, and she recoiled.
The all-too-bright aura emanating from her makeshift temporary "family" was suddenly overwhelming.
The guilt compounded. Her sin, her creation—her responsibility.
"A fruitless attempt."
She needed to get away.
Silently, Shiho rose, giving the professor an excuse before disappearing into the thicket. It was dark, a silvery glow reflected from the moon above. The waning light reflected the ethereal silhouettes of the trees. Kicking fallen leaves, Shiho walked along the path she had memorized earlier.
Soon, she found herself sitting on a fallen log next to the flowing river. Every so often, surface ripples appeared as fish took a bite. Silver-blue reflections of the moon illuminate the surface of the slowly flowing stream. And in the silence of the night, memories she tried so hard to brush off bubbles to the surface.
It had been a mistake, she thought, camping in such circumstances. Time wasted on such trivialities could be spent working on the antidote. It was the only way she could atone—though she knew that working was all she could do to keep her mind off other matters. Taking a shuddering breath, she seethes before whirling around, realizing she wasn't alone.
Moonlight shone effortlessly on Ran's luminous pale skin. A pair of blue eyes peaked from under long bangs. They were very similar, and Shiho was once again taken aback by her appearance.
"Ai-chan," Ran greeted her before taking her hands into her own, gently caressing them. "How are you doing?"
Shiho was unsure how to answer such questions. Ran's image overlapped with another's. As azure eyes lingered over her, memories of Akemi flooded back, and she turned away, unable to control the ache that pounded violently in her chest.
"I'm fine," she was about to pull her hands away when Ran scooted closer.
"Are you sure?"
The silence stretched, and Shiho felt the words die in her throat when she saw the concern in the girl's eyes.
"I..." she said with a stutter. It was hard to articulate what she felt, so she just turned away, staring at the river's flowing shimmer—listening to the crickets' never-ending song. The girl stayed with her for a long time, not speaking but rubbing reassuring circles around her hand.
"Look, Ai-chan," she finally said, pointing to the skies above. Shiho had not noticed it before, but there were stars, millions of them, dotting the black canvas of the night sky, glistening softly and silently.
"That's the big dipper," Ran explained, and nostalgia hits. Shiho recalled with fondness—memories of Akemi. Of nights spent looking up picture books of stars and patterns that formed big dippers and Orion belts.
"And if you look further down. There, that's the north star!" Ran exclaimed excitedly. "Isn't it a miracle?" she asked with a twinkle in her eye. Her voice overlapped with that of her sisters, and Shiho relaxes, lips forming a serene smile.
"Ran-nee-chan," she later interrupted. It was the first time she had called out to the older girl, and the girl stopped, tightening her grip on Shiho's hand.
"T..." she paused, the words difficult to say.
The older girl gave her a gentle smile and warmth blossomed in her chest. It was comforting, and it enveloped her entire being. For a moment, she forgets about her past. Forgets about the organization and, most of all, the darkness that seemed to permeate her life in every way—and they continued, making small talk through the night.
"Where's Ai-chan?" Ran had been the first to notice. Shinichi had remembered the girl telling Hakase that she was heading to the toilets, but that had been thirty minutes ago, and Ran was right…the girl was missing.
"Ay, that little brat?" Sonoko quipped, "she went into the forest. I saw her heading that way."
"Why didn't you say anything!?" Shinichi exclaimed, and the brown-haired girl grimaced. "Come on, she looked so irritated that she probably needed some time alone," she countered.
"I'll search for her," Ran said, and she immediately began to hike along the path Sonoko pointed out. Shinichi followed behind. Using torchlights, they entered and split to cover more ground. It was how he found them later, settled on a fallen log, that made him hide.
They were talking softly. Ran doing most of it— pointing to the stars and identifying them. He remembered doing the same with her on the rooftop of the professor's house ten years ago.
The atmosphere around them was relaxed, and once again, Shinichi found himself stumbling onto a scene he was not supposed to see. Haibara sat with eyes closed, wearing a peaceful smile. The haunted look she had on the past few days vanished for a few moments. Her hands wrapped in the embrace of Ran's bigger one.
Hearing the quiet conversation between the two girls, Shinichi leaned into the tree, sighing as he pondered over them.
Ran was kind; there was no doubt about that. And he was grateful for it.
There came a time when the murders of the cases had overwhelmed him, and he found himself rather tired of the people around him. Greed. Pride. Lust. Lies. Anger. Humans were evil, he had thought. There was no redeeming them, and for a time, he gave up. Eventually, he became a sulky, broody teenager—who was not only unkind but incredibly angry. Ran, however, stood by him.
In a world that is constantly changing, she—remained a constant. And no matter how dark things got, she would always welcome him home like a mother would her child. It was through Ran that he was able to realize that people, though with flaws, are still capable of good.
She was not perfect, of course, she had a terrible temper when she was mad, was highly sensitive, and was quite the crybaby, but Ran was strong. She cried but got back up the next day— had empathy for others and was able to make even murderers speechless.
Her kindness—touching the hearts of the wounded.
And here she was again, comforting a scientist she barely knew.
Haibara would never tell him what Ran meant to her, but it was easy to guess. His childhood friend bearing similar physical traits to—
Miyano...Akemi.
He could still feel Ran's arms wrapped around him. Her tears stained his blue suit as he stood above the woman's body, covered in a white jacket. Rain drowned out the scent of blood and gunpowder. She had been bleeding from the fatal wound, dying, but still—she thought of her sister.
It was a testament to her strength—like Ran—a pillar of light.
He had not expected Shiho Miyano to appear in his life, but here she was, sitting with the girl Shinichi thought he would have given his life to.
Exhaling, Shinichi strokes his hair with a bitter grin. "You prideful man," Sonoko had chided him once when he turned down a confession that made a girl cry, and he had ignored her. She could whine. He did not care.
The cases took up too much of his time, and he would rather be paying attention to the details than the fickleness of superstitious relationships.
Sonoko had called him a dense fool, and his mother had teased him repeatedly about his misadventures.
It wasn't like he didn't know. He chose to be blind.
But she was different.
And just like that, his world came crashing down.
Emotions he tried to ignore emerge as he suppressed them. He had to.
After all, caring for the girl when they were in constant danger would have impeded him from making clear decisions.
It was getting harder, though, and the uncomfortable yet nagging feelings—persisted.
Unlike his crush on Ran, where all he felt was a giddy rush and excitement, his feelings towards Haibara Ai began with anger and hatred. Initially, it had been difficult for him to trust her, but once he did, found that she offered a companionship unlike any other.
He hated her, but he adored her. He was constantly annoyed with her, but when the situation demanded it, she was the first one he thought of. Whenever he was in trouble, she was the first to notice and react. And when it came down to it, she always had his back. Even if—she would not admit it.
Her actions mattered, and it was then that he realized—
With deepening resolve, he looked to the girls before him and then to the sky above.
There was no turning back.
He was about to head back to camp, knowing that the girl was in good hands when he heard Ran's scream. Immediately, panic gripped him, and he ran toward them. He found them looking at a man standing on a cliff. He was wearing a pink snow cap and was perched dangerously close to the edge.
"Kenta! No!" He heard a man scream and saw Kimura Takashi trying to stop him from jumping. "Stop! Don't do this!" he pleaded, but before they could react, Kenta had hurled himself off the cliff.
Kimura screamed inconsolably at the cliff's edge. Shinichi noticed Hiroshi Wataru jumping into the river from the opposite bank. The man swam first, then dived. When Hiroshi surfaced, he was half pulling, half swimming with Kenta. Hauling the man onto shore, Hiroshi let out a shriek of horror.
Shinichi ran towards them before falling back. Haibara reached him moments later, and he faced her. Wordlessly, she pulled out her cell phone and dialed with hesitation.
"Ran-nee-chan, get the professor," he then instructed the shocked girl, and she obliged by running back to the campsite. Finished with the necessities, Shinichi turned back to the victim strewn on the ground. It was something that Shinichi would never get used to.
"A suicide?" They looked at Hiroshi, crying in grief, and Kimura, still standing by the cliff above them. Sighing, she folded her arms, glancing at him.
"Why am I not surprised," she muttered as he narrowed his eyes.
"Haibara..."
This was not the right time or place.
"You corpse magnet."
"Oi!"
Thank you all for your kind reviews. I am happy that you've enjoyed the story and will try to improve upon it :D
I have planned the story out and have split it into three arcs.
They would be split with interludes in between.
Arc 1: Developments
Arc 2: Sherry
Arc 3: Black Organization
Thanks for sticking by, have a good week ahead :D