Dreaming Of The Hallways Of Life
By Shadowgate
…
Kyle, Stan, and Kenny were walking down the school hallway. All three had intended to confess. Kenny put his arm around Kyle just before they entered the principal's office and he said "your dad is a lawyer Kyle so I shall put it to you in legal terms, I will plead guilty by your side Kyle."
Kyle turned to give a small smile to Kenny. Stan added "I'm here with you Kyle and I'll stand by you as a best friend would."
Kyle puts his hand on Stan's shoulder and said "I'm so glad the two of you decided that you wanted to confess. That put us three to one against Cartman.
Of course when they got to the office they were in for a surprise. After leaving the office three of the boys refused to speak to the fourth and told him to go on to class. He went on to class not caring about how cheated the other three felt.
Stan, Kenny and Kyle all walked down the hallway to head back to class.
Kyle was holding back tears and he said "we should have known that Cartman would do this."
Stan replied "it was sickening to hear Principal Victoria say 'luckily one of you had enough of a conscience' I mean come on doesn't she know better?"
Kyle answered "Cartman had her fooled."
Kenny said "Mrs. Streeble sure looked happy with the confessions. Kyle you screamed out loud and clearly how you felt about your part in the crime."
Stan added "you had great passion in there when you screamed about your guilty conscience. Now Kyle as your best friend I say to you do the crime, do the time. All we can do now is take our punishments."
Kenny said "hell yeah and I don't even care that Cartman got a lighter penalty I'm just glad it's over."
Kyle said "it's not over. I know Mrs. Streeble looked happy with our confessions, particularly with Cartman's confession but I just have to know one thing."
Stan asked "what?"
Kyle said "we need to set the record straight. Is Mrs. Streeble in her classroom right now?"
Stan answered "probably."
Kyle said "I want to know just how her daughter's reacted to what we did."
Stan said "Kyle no let's go back to class."\
Kenny said "we tp'ed her house because we were mad about getting detention. Cartman got us an extra hour after Mrs Streeble said we'd be getting detention. The fat fucker whined 'you're an art teacher.' Hello art teacher has the word teacher in it."
Stan replied "Kenny's right."
Cartman came up upon his three "friends" and said "hey aren't you guys going back to class?"
Kyle answered "not yet you son of a bitch. Kenny, Stan, let's go confess to Mrs. Streeble."
All three went into Mrs. Streeble's art room and when they did Kyle said "Mrs. Streeble we were all planning to confess and Cartman didn't want to confess but he only did it before us because he knew he couldn't stop us and he wanted a lighter punishment. I for one have felt guilty since the night we did it and I just hope your daughter's are alright."
Mrs. Streeble answered "well they were angry at first and I immediately told them along with my husband I was sure you and your three friends were the culprits. Oh but Kyle get this. Two months ago my daughter's tp-ed a neighbor's house and got grounded for it. So they found out just how it feels."
Kyle yelled "WHAT?"
Kenny replied "holy shit."
Mrs. Streeble said "you see Kyle when you walk down the hallways of life you can learn things that shock you."
Kyle woke up and yelled "AHHHHHHHHHH!"
Nathan and Mimsy were at the big stadium for the handicapped Olympics.
Nathan said "alright Mimsy my goal is to get the gold trophy and my bigger goal is to beat Jimmy Vulmer Goddamn it!"
Mimsy replied "oh boy boss you're going to get the gold medal."
Nathan smiled.
"There's also a $1000 prize Mimsy and I'll split with you."
Mimsy said "oh and I get half."
Nathan said "I just told you that dumbass!"
Mimsy replied "if you win boss?"
Nathan replied "right."
Mimsy said "oh boy oh yeah."
Nathan said "you'll get your share of $200."
Mimsy asked "isn't half of $1000 500?"
Nathan answered "well yes you get $500."
Mimsy said "Nathan you tried to cheat me you're an asshole. You're such a big stupid asshole."
Nathan yelled "MIMSY" and then he smacked Mimsy. The announcers got on their intercoms and one said "it's time for the Special Olympics."
The announcer went on to say "we'll kick off the Olympics with the running of the torch."
Mimsy was first to run with the torch. He could barely run.
The announcer said "well look at Mimsy try to run. Oh he's a fat retard."
The other announcer said "now Frank that's not cool you're going to get us in trouble again."
After 15 minutes Mimsy finally made it around the track Nathan says "hand it to me" and Mimsy shoves the flaming torch right up Nathans ass.
Nathan screams and dances around the track. The entire stadium laughed their asses off.
One of the announcers said "okay apparently we're going to skip the running of the torch because one of the contestants suffered a burning rectum. This is what happens when a retarded kid has access to fire. He burns another retarded kid. Ha ha ha."
The announcer said "Frank that's not cool you can get us in major trouble for making fun of the contestants at a Special Olympics."
After the torch run ended so badly all the contestants got back to their coaches.
Nathan walked up to Mimsy and said "Mimsy" and smacked him.
The next event was the discus throw.
Nathan threw his the farthest. When Mimsy got up to throw he threw a severed head instead of the discus itself.
The crowd freaked out.
Mimsy said "look boss I threw Kenny McCormick's severed head instead of the discus. Isn't that so hilarious boss?"
Nathan snapped at Mimsy then punched him.
The announcer said "for throwing a child's severed head instead of the disc Mimsy will be disqualified."
The crowd laughed.
Nathan said "Goddamn it Mimsy you're the biggest fucking idiot I've ever met."
Mimsy said "I fucked up boss. I thought that since Kenny McCormick got killed it would be funny to throw his severed head."
Nathan groans loudly.
The next event is sprinting. Nathan and four other contestants take their marks and get ready to run.
When the gun was fired Nathan took off.
Not long after he took off he heard the Jaws Theme Song. He avoided making the big mistake of looking back and he knew right away what was chasing him. He ran as fast as he could but looked down and realized he wasn't moving. The shark behind him jumped on him and began raping him.
Nathan screamed and everyone laughed.
Frank the announcer said "whoa first he got a torch up his ass and then a shark's dick up his ass. I would hate to be that kid Nathan."
After the shark finished raping Nathan, Nathan got up and saw his mother standing there.
She said "when you walk down the hallways of life you'll find there are times when you get fucked. Oh and when you have a disability in life that can make life harder."
Nathan woke up and looked over at his alarm clock and it said 6:00 AM.
Nathan said "note to self do not enter Special Olympics with Nathan."
Stan Marsh was standing at the bus stop and witnessed Kyle laughing at Cartman because so few people had showed up at his aids benefit and the fact Jimmy Buffet had shown up instead of Elton John.
Cartman said "oh it's real fucking funny Kyle."
Kyle explained he felt bad for Cartman and Cartman didn't buy it.
Stan said "look Cartman he's only laughing because he thinks it's ironic."
Cartman asked "ironic how?"
Stan answered "well you're always such a dick and stuff."
Cartman asked "so I deserve it?"
Stan said "nobody ever said you deserve it."
Suddenly Cartman turned into a big giant dragon and chased Stan.
Stan woke up and screamed.
Shelly came into his room and said "it's 5 in the morning" and then she slapped him.
Stan asked "Shelly could we discuss this later? I need some help."
Later that day Stan got back with Shelly and told her he had a dream about the time Cartman got aids and later infected Kyle.
Shelly commented "that reminds me of a Judas Priest song called 'Living Bad Dreams."
Shelly went on to say "well look Stan you know that Cartman will do the dumbest things to Kyle he can. The fact that you hang out with Cartman is one reason I consider you a stupid turd. Furthermore when you walk down the hallways of life you will see ugly shit like friends betraying each other."
Stan said "I wish I'd told Cartman that nobody wanted him to get aids through a blood transfusion like he did. The reason it was ironic is because you hear about horrible things happening to wonderful people. This was a case of a horrible thing happening to a horrible person."
Shelly said "my little brother learns so well."
Stan asked "then why do you call me a stupid turd?"
Shelly answered "I only do that when you fuck up."
Tweek started taking Focalin and stopped drinking so much coffee. He was running around the block. He'd become a lot happier and a lot less paranoid after getting mental health treatment.
He was disgusted when he heard fools on the radio say ADHD doesn't exist or psychiatrists were evil. He had to admit he did miss Chef though. As he ran around the block he came across Sheila Brovlafski.
"Oh hi Mrs. Brovlafski!"
She replied back "hi Tweek. Wow Kyle told me you started taking medication for your ADHD and it seems to be paying off."
Tweek said "yes it did. The new medication regimen and exercise is helping me."
Shelia said "well that's good Tweek but you know how I feel about children right?"
Tweek answered "you have two so you must like them. You adopted one of them from Canada even."
Shelia said "well yes but do you know my political philosophy?"
Tweek answered "you want television censorship. You hate Terrance and Phillip."
Shelia said "that's not all. I support giving the death penalty to juveniles but you still have to be 18 to witness an execution."
Tweek said "wow that seems a little unfair."
Shelia said "when it comes to children forget about fairness."
Suddenly Shelia turned into a two headed dragon and roared.
Tweek screamed and started running as fast as he could.
Even as he continued to pick up speed he heard the gnomes behind him.
"Gotta go to work, work all day."
Tweek screamed and then he woke up.
He looked at his alarm clock and it said 5:30 AM.
Tweek said out loud "when you dream of running anywhere it can sure turn into a nightmare."
Clyde Donovan was walking down his school hallway. He then noticed a door that he'd never noticed before.
When he opened the door he saw a staircase. It was brown and he couldn't see where it led.
So he decided to go down the staircase.
When he got to the bottom which he was not able to see from the top he saw Counselor Mackey.
He was surprised and Counselor Mackey said "now Clyde you opening that door and coming down this staircase was not appropriate behavior um kay!"
Clyde replied "Mister Mackey that door and this staircase were not here before."
"Well Clyde we all make mistakes!" Clyde's mother said.
Clyde yelled "MOM!"
But then all these monsters appeared and Clyde screamed before he woke up.
Clyde looked at his alarm clock and it said 5AM.
THE END