Chapter 1: Bruises, Broken Bones and Shattered Hearts
Chapter Text
/ The club was loud and packed. So full that people were basically glued to each other on the dancefloor, which caused heat to increase. It was pure insanity of sweaty, inebriated and in many cases horny people. To many it would've been a nightmare. Magnus thrived in a little bit of harmless chaos.
(It was silence, loneliness and stillness that got to him.)
Suddenly Magnus felt someone watching him. He seemed to be on the radar of a couple of people, actually, but it was one in particular he was drawn to in return. Curious, Magnus turned his gaze to see a man sitting at a faraway table.
And what a pretty man the stranger was, took Magnus' breath away within seconds. The definition of tall, dark and handsome. Somehow the fact that the other clearly disliked the environment made him more captivating to Magnus. As did how the man looked away swiftly after realizing that he'd been caught staring. Like someone who'd been caught doing something forbidden.
Then a beautiful, giggling and possibly drunk brunette began to drag the pretty boy towards the dance floor. (A sister, Magnus mused, because the physical resemblance between the two couldn't be ignored and nothing about their interaction suggested that they were a couple. And fine, perhaps there was a hint of fool's hope involved in his reasoning.) The man rolled his eyes and seemed to protest but the woman wasn't hearing any of it.
How could someone appear so irresistibly adorable while trying to dance awkwardly? Unable to stop himself, Magnus began to approach. The stranger noticed and seemed startled for a moment but didn't run away. Like a deer caught in the headlights, the man stood absolutely still in the middle of the otherwise moving and pulsating dancefloor. Neither of them noticed how the young woman accompanying the stranger retreated with a knowing smirk.
Then they were right in front of each other and time seemed to stand still. Magnus couldn't remember the previous time his heart would've raced the way it did then. "Wanna get out of here?"
The pretty stranger nodded eagerly. Their hands lingered so close to each other that it made Magnus' skin tingle but didn't touch as they made their way to the alley outside the club. The music could still be heard there but the noise wasn't deafening anymore. Cool night-air embraced them as they stood and tried to breathe.
The other swallowed with visible difficulty. "I'm sorry I stared at you. I'm not... I don't usually..."
"I don't mind", Magnus reassured and kept his tone gentle instead of going for sultry. This one might not be ready to fly out of the closet and he understood. It could be terrifying. "I'm Magnus."
"Alec." The man fidgeted and scowled. "I'm... Sorry, I hate these places."
Magnus didn't think it was the right moment to reveal that he happened to own the place. "I could see that you wanted to do something while we were in there. And whatever it was... It's okay. And out here no one sees us."
Maybe Magnus was more drunk that he'd realized. There was a good chance that he was pushing, making a mistake. Closeted and half-closeted men like Alec... They could... shut down when feeling pressured. Or worse. Magnus had... unfortunate firsthand experience.
Alec seemed to surprise them both by taking a step closer. The man's hungry, conflicted eyes were glued on Magnus' lips. And then, as the music inside sped up along with their heartbeats, Alec began to lean closer.
A couple of seconds later, right before their lips would've touched, it was as though Alec had been electrocuted. The man jumped backwards and, faster than Magnus could ask what happened or reassure that everything was alright, began to hurry away. The escape was cut short as the door they used earlier was thrown open by someone and smacked Alec in the face, hard. Magnus watched in horror as the other fell with a loud groan.
"Alexander!"
At least Alec didn't sustain a broken nose but the man's face was badly bruised. Magnus ended up nursing it with a cold pack through the night. And figured that if he ever wanted... anything to happen with Alec things would have to go slowly.
That was alright – good things were worth waiting for. /
/
Most nights Magnus loved spending time at his club. Even after... how things ended with Alec soured the experiences due to memories of their first meeting. That night happened to be one of those when he just longed to go home. Magnus reached his limit when the same song during which his eyes found Alec's for the first time started playing.
Magnus had been through his share of breakups. But this one hurting so much even after three years... Magnus could barely take it, still felt it breaking him. So as gracefully as he could manage, he dashed out of the club, clearly disappointing the young woman he'd been dancing with. And he started the trek home that seemed overwhelmingly long despite it only taking five minutes.
For some strange reason Magnus had been thinking about Alec a lot lately. (If he was honest with himself, did he ever manage to stop thinking about the man?) He was certain that it'd stop soon. Or at least hoped so desperately.
What was the point in constantly thinking about someone who crushed him?
/ "Alexander, I swear I'd never..."
"Save it." /
/ "What happened to your grand speech of how you believe in me, huh? What happened to us being able to make it through anything together?" Magnus refused to care about how he sounded as though he was about to cry. What'd been left of his pride crumbled, allowing him to beg. "Stay with me, please."
"How am I supposed to stay with someone I can't trust?" /
/ "I thought you were different."
"I guess we both ended up disappointed, then." /
At least Magnus didn't get himself gloriously drunk, as he originally planned to. Years had taught him that alcohol tended to make him feel worse before he even hit the hangover stage. His head nonetheless hurt as he entered his apartment and greeted his two cats quietly.
Chairman was, as expected, very excited, meowed and spun around his legs. Church glared at him from a kitchen counter cats weren't supposed to have an access to. Magnus groaned and sniffled. "I'm not in the mood for arguing with one of my sons today, okay? Just get down from there, you know better."
Church yawned and made himself more comfortable, all the while continuing to glare at Magnus challengingly.
Magnus really wasn't in the mood. Not having enough energy for anything else, he began to drag himself towards the couch. Maybe a ridiculous romantic comedy would help.
Magnus was only a step away from his couch when the dial tone of his phone began. He frowned upon fishing the item from his pocket and wondered who was calling at... Oh, eleven pm.
He was at home, ready to cry himself to sleep over a romantic comedy, well before midnight on a Saturday – he really was pathetic.
Seconds later Magnus had no memory trace of the caller's name but two words made far too much sense to him. "... nurse ... hospital ..." The woman went on without giving him a chance to recover. "... Alexander Lightwood was admitted here two hours ago ... listed as his emergency contact ..."
Magnus' head spun so badly that a few seconds later he had to sit down and he almost dropped his phone. His stomach rolled and he barely managed to catch his breath. Why was he still his ex-boyfriend's emergency contact? Alec left him with a broken heart, Alec... "What happened?" Shock helped him sound calmer than he felt.
The nurse sighed. "There's... been an accident. I'd rather give further information in person."
/
/ Magnus was confused to feel someone watching him as soon as he began to wake up. Curious, he cracked one eye open and felt his heart flutter at the sight of a naked Alec looking at him dreamily. "One could get used to waking up like this", Magnus murmured.
Alec smiled. (A precious, rare sight Magnus swore to never take for granted.) "I'm just trying to figure out how I got this lucky."
Too emotional for words, Magnus took Alec's hand and pressed a kiss on it. He practically started purring after the other pulled him closer as a response. "I'll have you know that you're not as lucky as I am."
"Really, we're turning this into a competition?" Alec huffed, audibly amused.
"Of course we are." /
/
Magnus couldn't remember how he got to the hospital. Or what made him choose to go there at all, considering his... colorful history with Alec. A kind-faced, pitying looking woman led him to the correct ward, where a nurse guided him to a quiet room for a talk.
Magnus loathed the tiny room. The second he entered it chills went down his spine. He found it hard to imagine that good news were ever shared in such a space. Not that the whole ICU ward would've been much better. (The hallway's air was thick from pain and sorrow. Two steps in and Magnus saw a man sitting on the floor, sobbing hysterically with his face buried to his hands. Right before the miniature room's door closed, he saw several members of the medical staff hurrying to one of the patient rooms with solemn expressions on their faces.)
Roughly half of what the nurse was telling him actually registered to Magnus through the buzzing in his ears. "... don't know the specifics of what happened ... several broken bones, a head injury and internal bleeding ... severe internal damage ... emergency surgery ... will need at least two more operations once his condition stabilizes ... medically induced coma ..."
Magnus' head spun even worse than before. It was a small miracle that he didn't throw up right there and then. "He's... He's going to be okay, right?" Their breakup was one of the three most agonizing experiences in his whole life – but imagining a world without Alec in it at all...
The nurse sighed. "Let's just take things one hour at a time with him." Her non-answer communicated a great deal more than blunt words would've.
Magnus gulped repeatedly, his eyes darting around wildly. What he saw flashed between Alec's smile and how the man looked while breaking his heart. "What happened? You said you don't know the specifics but..." A nauseating possibility popped into his head. "Did he... do something to himself?"
Once more the woman's face and eyes revealed more than her words. "Maybe we'll find out more later." She steered the conversation elsewhere before he could've interrogated further. "Alexander was brought here from the recovery a few minutes ago. Would you like to see him?" That the ward obviously had no visiting hour restrictions spoke chilling things of what kind of a condition its patients were in.
A part of Magnus wanted to run away. Alec wasn't supposed to be able to hurt him yet again. A petulant part of him hissed that he owed the man who broke him beyond repair nothing. Instead he nodded faintly and stood up although his legs barely supported his weight. "Alec", Magnus found himself mumbling as the march from hell towards his ex's room began. "He wants people to call him Alec." 'Alexander' was reserved for Magnus alone. Or maybe that was a lie.
"Okay, I'll let the rest of the staff know."
Magnus did his best to brace himself for whatever was coming. But nothing was enough to prepare him for facing the greatest love of his life. Lay in the hospital bed, connected to a terrifying amount of tubes and machinery, Alec appeared heartbreakingly small and frail. The man's left arm was in a cast and the mostly shaved head was wrapped up heavily. Despite the swelling from trauma and medication Magnus could see how much weight Alec had lost over the past few years.
The man he once thought he knew was barely recognizable.
The nurse squeezed his shoulder comfortingly, which made him shudder. "If either of you needs anything, just press the call button. And staff will visit Alec frequently. Take as long as you need."
Apparently Magnus was a masochist. Because instead of walking out he approached the bed and sat down to the chair he took from near the room's entrance. Despite everything he ached to grab Alec's hand but forced himself to not do it.
/ "I love you." /
/ "Magnus, this... Us... It's not working." /
Unable to look away from Alec, Magnus sniffled and rubbed his eyes roughly. At least he didn't wear makeup anymore. "Damned it, Alec... How can you still have this much power over me? Why do you have to have me as your emergency contact instead of Jace or Izzy? I can't..." Magnus closed his eyes and shook his head. "I... I barely survived what you did to me. I'm sorry, but... I can't do this."
Yet Magnus couldn't find the strength to get up and walk out. To leave Alec behind, suffering and possibly dying alone. And then someone entered the room. Glancing over his shoulder, Magnus expected to find a medical professional.
Instead he discovered Izzy, who had tears in her eyes. She recognized him after a delay and stared at him in a shock. (Magnus understood, these days he barely recognized himself when looking into a mirror.) "You're... You're really here, aren't you?" she whispered, as though fearing that she'd scare him into leaving.
Magnus nodded slowly, unsure what he was expected to say. They were close friends before the breakup but staying in contact with her after... It was too painful. (Another thing Alec took away from him. A bitter taste filled Magnus' mouth.) "You cut your hair." The shoulder length style looked good on her, made her appear more... grownup.
"And you stopped wearing makeup. Magnus...!" Whatever Izzy had planned to say faded away as her gaze found Alec. Her knees buckled and Magnus was barely fast enough to catch her before she would've fallen to the floor. Izzy sobbed hysterically and he realized that he was crying, too, as they clung to each other.
So infuriatingly unfair, all of this.
As soon as Magnus could be sure that Izzy was able to stand on her own the need to get away became even more persistent. "I'm sorry, I have to..." Unsteady on his feet, he attempted to make it to the door.
He never got that far before Izzy called out. "Magnus, wait." A little hesitant, she began to search for something from her small bag. "I panicked when Alec wouldn't answer my calls and messages so... I stopped by at his apartment before starting to call around hospitals, he gave me a spare key... for emergencies." She handed a letter towards him. "I found this. I have no idea when Alec wrote it." (Certainly imagining that Magnus would never see it.)
'To Magnus', read on the envelope in Alec's familiar handwriting.
After their… memorable first meeting the relationship between Alec and Magnus developed sort of half-accidentally. They had a dinner at a tiny, slightly suspicious restaurant that led to both of them getting a food poisoning. (They spent that night on the floor of Magnus' bathroom. It was... oddly romantic.) Once they met accidentally at a library, of all places, and were surprised to discover that they had a similar taste in books. After two months of those meetings they refused to or couldn't label they finally acknowledged that they were dating. Three weeks later Alec let the word 'boyfriend' slip by accident and they decided that they liked it. A lot.
At four months they both started thinking about taking... the next step. The sex step, as Magnus called it. He was worried that they were moving too fast – he'd been pushed to rush into things several times before and didn't want to wreck everything. And then there was another thing, such that'd scared off some people Magnus had liked more than he should've. Alec was also clearly nervous due to lack of intimate experience.
The evening when they decided to go all the way they'd watched a wonderful, quite sad but romantic movie together. They were supposed to cook at Magnus' apartment. Instead they were both in a very particular mood and fiery kisses led to them falling to a bed before they'd made any decisions. Shoes and shirts were sent flying. Magnus shivered from pleasure until he realized that Alec was wrestling to unbuckle his belt. Knowing what'd soon be revealed was nearly enough to send him to a panic attack.
How could Alec not have noticed? "Magnus? Did I... Did I do something wrong?"
Magnus shook his head vigorously. It didn't chase away what was making him panic but at least Alec wouldn't be burdened by his idiocy. "... moment you see all of me ... you'll never look at me the same way."
If he was with anyone else it would've been creepy how Alec seemed to understand instantly although Magnus didn't explain much. "May I?" the man requested and it was impossible to believe that anyone would've been capable of saying 'no'.
Slowly, giving Magnus all the time in the world to prepare himself, Alec opened his belt. (It marked the first time in their relationship the taller man was the more confident one of them. The change of dynamic... felt oddly good. For the first time in his life Magnus was comforted by a partner he could trust to take care of him.) Then, gently, Alec lowered his pants.
And there they were. Scars, most of them small and all of them self-inflicted, covering practically all of Magnus' thighs. Usually they were his private shame. Several people had been disgusted or made feel uncomfortable otherwise after seeing them. Camille took them as a sign of weakness she used against him mercilessly.
Alec watched them. Then met his gaze with a great deal of sadness and understanding. "I feel that way, too, sometimes", the man admitted quietly. Obviously confessing as much to someone for the first time. Alec hesitated. "None of them... looks fresh."
"I... haven't felt the urge for a while", Magnus murmured, his eyes locked with Alec's. He still had bad days, frustratingly many of them. But he had two amazing reasons to fight through those, now. Two beacons of light.
Alec seemed relieved but not quite satisfied yet. "If you ever... do feel the urge... Tell me, okay?"
Magnus nodded. He could see how important this promise was. "If you swear to tell me, too." Even the thought of Alec suffering alone in a silence...
They ended up making love that night, after doing some more tough talking. Their new discovery about each other, while heart-wrenching, also helped them feel closer than ever before. It deepened their emotional connection and intensified the fresh physical one. Their bodies danced together, every little move perfect to them although there were some imperfections here and there. (Even the strongest couples couldn't get everything about their first intimate encounter right. Instead of becoming frustrated or ashamed they were at peace with their tiny shortcomings. It felt incredibly good to be with someone who didn't expect perfection.)
The following morning they woke up in each other's arms, at the exact same moment. And smiled dopily when the first thing they saw was each other. The moment's serenity led to another huge first. "I love you", Alec whispered.
"I love you, too", Magnus whispered back and meant it with every cell in his body.
He hoped that Alec wouldn't end up breaking his heart. /
/
Magnus trembled as he held Alec's letter and sank to a chair. He wouldn't have wanted to read it in front of anyone, let alone the sister of an ex. Maybe it would've been better to not read it at all. But he knew that he wouldn't make it home without opening such a loaded object.
What could Alec possibly have to say to him after the pain the man caused him? Would any words matter anymore, make any difference? What if they would make a difference and Alec would d...?
Magnus' stomach rolled hazardously but he didn't lose control over it.
"He loves you", Izzy whispered. Or that was how quiet it sounded to him. "I don't know why he broke up with you, he always gets cryptic when I try to demand answers. But he hasn't stopped loving you for even a second."
Magnus snorted bitterly. He couldn't look away from the letter. "We certainly didn't... part in very loving terms."
In a fit of rage Magnus made a move to shred the letter. Then decided that he'd never been a coward and wouldn't start now. After opening the envelope he was uncomfortably aware of Izzy's gaze on him, until Alec's words were everything that registered to him.
'Dear Magnus,
I don't know why I'm writing this, knowing that you'll never see this. I suppose I need to express everything I never told you somehow. While I still can. Maybe then it won't all follow me to wherever I'm going.
I'll never be able to tell you everything. It's the deal I made and I'll stand by it even after my final breath. Because it was the right thing to do, even if it tore me to pieces.
Magnus, you have to know that I love you, more than anything or anyone else in this world. I could never stop loving you because you're the most amazing person I've ever met. If I had my way, I would've spent the rest of my life with you and built a family with you. But sometimes things just don't go the way we'd want them to.
I'm so sorry about all the pain I caused you. It's haunted me every day since then. Those things I said to you... I didn't mean them, at least the way I had to make them seem.
I hope you're happy, wherever you are. The thought of you being whole and happy, and loved, is the only thing that's kept me going on most days. But now I'm just too tired. The burden of being in this world... It's too much to bear, even for Jace and Izzy.
See, I'm keeping my promise, I'm telling you. Not that you'd ever see or hear. And I only have myself to blame for that.
Magnus, I love you. There'll never be anyone as magical as you in this world I'm leaving behind. You're the greatest adventure I ever encountered and I don't regret a single second of it, apart from the final ones. The light and color you brought into my life... I've cherished the memory of having them for a while. Maybe in some other reality I got a chance to propose to you and marry you. This reality was never so kind.
I'm so sorry. For hurting you, for my weakness, for everything. Maybe I'll get a chance to see you again in the next life.
Goodbye, Magnus.
With all my love,
Your Alexander'
It took Magnus nearly a full minute to comprehend what he was reading. Alec... He was saying goodbye. Convinced that Magnus would never see the words but determined to try to make peace with himself nonetheless.
"It's a suicide note, isn't it?" Izzy sobbed and cursed, loudly and colorfully. "He... He left behind a letter for me, too. I haven't read it. I refuse to ever read it and..." The rest of what she was babbling in a shock failed to register to Magnus. All he could hear was the hammering of his aching heart and his own struggled, agonizing breaths.
Usually Magnus recognized an oncoming panic attack. Now he noticed, vaguely, that his knees were a little weak. (When did he stand up?) Then he collapsed to the floor.
/
/ Magnus woke up to the sound of a loud, pained whimper. It took embarrassingly long before he realized that it came from him. Overwhelmed, he planned to leave the bed until a protective arm wrapped around him.
"... 'gnus?" Alec mumbled. "... have a nightmare?"
"Yeah", Magnus breathed out. Only then realizing that he was crying. "Our relationship... You ended it and... It hurt so much I thought I'd d..." He trailed off.
Alec pulled him close and kissed his head. "Never, Magnus. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Too many people had given Magnus similar promises. But Alec... He trusted Alec. He allowed himself to be cradled in the man's arms and fell asleep feeling safer than ever in his life. /
/
Magnus woke up with a shudder. The bright lights of a hospital room blinded him while things started to make sense frustratingly slowly. What was he doing on the floor?
A whimper broke out of him as the pieces of memories collided brutally.
"... waking up ... was about to call for help ..." Izzy's voice sounded uncomfortably loud as his head attempted to adjust to his waken state. "Let's get you up, okay?" Slowly and gently she helped him sit up. By the time they sat side by side on the floor Izzy was still crying. "That letter... It was a lot, huh? I'm sorry..."
Magnus shook his head although it made him dizzy all over again. He couldn't take any more Lightwood apologies. "He wanted to die", he choked out. Saying it out loud didn't help the words make sense, at all. Magnus buried his face to his hands. Everything inside him seemed to be falling to pieces. "What... What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to feel? Isabelle, I can't..." He trailed off.
He couldn't handle facing that agony of losing Alec all over again.
Izzy grabbed his hand. "Stay, Magnus. Please." She had the same frustratingly irresistible pleading eyes as her brother. "You belong by Alec's side, no matter what."
Did he? Magnus wasn't so sure anymore. Would Alec have been pleading him to stay or kicking him out if the man was conscious?
Magnus and Izzy jumped as her phone made a sound. (In the bed Alec remained dishearteningly and unnaturally still.) "I know, I know, phones shouldn't be used here. But... They said it's safe, and Jace is on a flight here from London..." Izzy trailed off after reading the message. "Actually, he just landed. I should pick him up from the airport." She clearly wouldn't have wanted to leave.
"Go." Maybe Magnus really was losing his mind. Would it have been that surprising, considering the circumstances? "I'll keep Alexander company."
If Izzy noticed his slip of a tongue, she didn't mention it. She gave him a long, tight hug, then sped out of the room without daring to glance towards her brother. And then it was just Magnus and Alec, alone in the same room for the first time since...
Unsure what to do with the letter and his every move unnaturally slow, Magnus slipped the item to his pocket. Then forced his gaze to turn to Alec. The man was trembling slightly. Was he having bad dreams or in pain? Unable to stand by idly, Magnus sat to the chair beside the bed, took Alec's hand and, mindful of the canula attached to it, squeezed. Did the trembling he saw subside or was he imagining things?
A flood of memories came without a warning.
/ It was a month from their first meeting as Alec and Magnus took a break from their shared jog and sat down to a park. While drinking water they watched as a mother with a little girl passed by. Intense longing tugged at Magnus' heart.
"Have you ever thought about it?" Alec inquired. "Becoming a dad?"
Magnus swallowed. There was something he maybe should've told sooner. "Actually, I, ah... I have a daughter. Amanda. She's six." He showed Alec a picture of her from his phone and braced himself for any possible reaction.
Alec was clearly and understandably shocked. But also smiled and took his hand. "She's beautiful. Looks a lot like you."
"Really? Most people say that she's Camille's image." Magnus sighed. "Camille, my ex, and I... We have our... issues. But I see Amanda as often as Camille lets me." He paused. "I'd like you and Amanda to meet one day."
"Do you... think she'd like me?"
Magnus snorted. "One of these days you'll stop underestimating your charm. Who wouldn't adore you?"
Children laughing kept Magnus from catching Alec's muttered "You'd be surprised...". /
/ "Do you seriously imagine that I'm going to let you introduce my daughter to some man you've dragged into your bed to not feel lonely for a while?"
"Alec isn't just some guy", Magnus growled. His boyfriend being insulted in such a way made him see red. "We love each other."
Camille rolled her eyes. "If I'd get a dollar every time you imagine that you've fallen in love..." Her gaze hardened. "I'm keeping Amanda away from your disgusting lifestyle."
As they continued to fight the two weren't aware that Amanda, who should've been sleeping, was awake and listened. /
/ Amanda glared at Alec. "I don't like you", she hissed. "Two men being together is unnatural, mommy says so. So do grandma and grandpa. I don't want you in papa's life, making him sick and unnatural." /
/ "I do get it, Magnus. Amanda is your daughter. And Camille's your..." Alec's tone was carefully cool and detached even after he trailed off for a moment. "They're your family. I get it. I come from a broken family and I refuse to be someone to break another." /
/ It'd already been an endlessly long, horrible day. Sadly the worst part was yet to come. Magnus frowned when there was a knock on his apartment's door. Cold filled his entire body as he discovered two police officers. "Magnus Bane?" one of them inquired.
What did he do during a drunker stupor? Magnus nodded robotically. "Y-Yeah, I am."
There was a terribly sad expression on the officer's face. The man talked after he'd let the two inside. "Mr. Bane, I'm afraid we have some bad news. There's been an accident..." /
Magnus sniffled and closed his eyes. "I... I already lost Amanda. Please, Alexander... Don't make me lose you a second time. I barely survived the first."