Chapter 55
As foolish as it might have been to follow a monster whose name she didn't even know to an unknown location, Frisk didn't know what other options she had. Sure, there was fleeing from this monster and whatever trap she could have led Frisk towards, but it wasn't as if Frisk had anywhere to go. Not to mention that New Home had changed so much in the last century that Chara would struggle to guide Frisk to the castle. Chara could orientate himself, but he still wouldn't know the quickest way to get Frisk there without her being seen by anyone. So, even if following this random monster was not a wise decision, Frisk deemed it better than the alternative.
When they came to what appeared to be an antique shop, the fox monster poked her head inside before telling Frisk, "There's nobody here."
The knick knacks and old furniture she saw upon stepping inside confirmed this place to be an antique shop. Silently beckoning Frisk to continue following her, the monster descended a flight of stairs and stopped at one of the doors at the bottom. She appeared almost apologetic when she looked at Frisk.
"I know it's small," she told her, "but it will keep you hidden. Allow me some time to bring you food and water. Any allergies?"
"None." Frisk decided against telling the monster she was vegetarian. If this monster in the red blouse really was risking her neck for Frisk like this, she decided things like food preferences didn't need to be brought up.
The fox nodded before ushering Frisk inside. Once the door was gently closed behind her, Frisk surveyed the scene. True to the monster's words, the room was small. It appeared to be nothing more than a cleaned-out broom closet. There was nothing within the room save for empty shelves.
"This would be a tight fit if we could touch," Chara said, standing so close to Frisk brushing against each other would have been inevitable if they really could have physical contact.
Without having a response, Frisk pressed her back against a wall and slid to the ground. Chara followed suit. The two sat facing each other, their backs pressed against walls on opposite sides of the small room.
The fit really was so tight, Frisk could see her and Chara's feet phasing through each other, an ever-present reminder that despite Chara's presence, she truly was alone.
"Do you think . . ." Frisk trailed off, took a deep breath, and softly tried again. "Do you think I should have let Mew Mew kill me so the day would reset and we could save Ember and the others?"
Chara was silent a long moment before replying, "You heard what Mew Mew said, about making your death last a long time. I don't think you could endure dying in a such a horrible way."
"But I would come back."
"At what cost?" Chara looked at Frisk as if he were angry with her, but his voice was gentle as if he were lovingly comforting her. "You may not stay dead, but each death has an effect on you. I can see it. Especially after your deaths with deathlust and again against Mettaton. It's as if each death takes something from you, leaving you no longer whole. How many times can you die before all that's left to be taken is gone?"
To that, Frisk didn't have a response. She knew she was broken – but then again, she always reasoned within herself, so was everyone who had ever been born. Yet she considered the possibility that Chara might have been right, that her many deaths did as much to change her as living life did.
"Besides," Chara added, his expression softening in a way that made Frisk's heart ache, "I can't bear the thought of watching Mew Mew torture you."
Not wanting to say the words, Frisk suggested, "Then should I find a way to die now that's quick and painless?"
"I know you're only wanting to save Ember, but Stripes . . . you can't save everyone."
Frisk felt tears prick the back of her eyes despite her relief. "Is it wrong to not want to die at the cost of letting another lose their life?"
"I hope not." Chara sighed. "Remember what I once said about some monsters wanting to kill me when I was a child so my soul could be absorbed? One tried, and the only reason he didn't succeed was because I killed him first."
It was enough of a confession to make Frisk freeze. Chara never brought up his kills, not before or since the story he told her about killing his friend. It was information she never knew of what to make.
"I'm not saying it's right to sacrifice another's life," Chara continued, "but I don't think it's wrong – or at least I like to believe it's not wrong – to want to protect your life even if the cost is another's."
For a while, neither said anything more. They sat alone in the small room, alternating between looking around and looking at each other. There was so much more Frisk wanted to say, but she didn't even know what it was she wanted to discuss.
It couldn't have been twenty minutes later, but it felt to be hours before the monster returned with a tray in hand. On the tray was half a loaf of bread, a little nut butter, and a bowl of berries, a vegetarian selection with which Frisk could be grateful. There was also a glass of water filled so much that the liquid peeked over the brim, and as the monster set the tray on the ground, Frisk was amazed at her grace to not spill so much as a drop.
"I hope this is enough," the monster said softly, as if trying to not be overheard.
"This will do," Frisk replied, seeing the food was enough to last two meals if she opted to not eat it all at once. "I just don't know how I will be able to pick up the glass without spilling any water."
"Oh, I'm sorry about that." The monster sounded almost bashful. "Filling a cup to the brim is the most efficient way to fill it."
"Well, it's better than nothing." Frisk found it within herself to offer the monster a smile. "Thank you."
The monster blinked, taken aback. Then she smiled. It was as she opened her mouth to say something somebody shouted from the upstairs.
"Ren, where did you go?!"
"Coming, Grandpa!" Eyes back on Frisk, the fox – Ren – said, "Do not make a sound. I will check on you again in a few hours. If you must use the restroom, there is one right across from this door. My only advice is be extremely quiet and careful."
With that, the monster closed the door, and Frisk could hear her footsteps as she padded away.
Frisk looked again at the tray of food and smiled at the water. It was more than enough to last until Ren returned. Then she cast her glance at Chara to see his gaze locked on the water.
"Chara, is something wrong?" she asked.
Blinking a few times, Chara slid his attention to Frisk as if he had forgotten she was in the room with him. His expression was almost haunting. Frisk repeated her question.
"I am fine," Chara said, but his stiff tone indicated he was not. "I was merely remembering something."
Whatever memory put that expression on Chara's face, Frisk didn't want to know. It was as if he had seen a ghost. Frisk opened her mouth, but she was at a loss for what to say.
"There was someone I once knew, a long, long time ago," Chara began, his eyes locked onto Frisk but looking beyond her towards a distant memory. "He was Dad's friend. They fought together during the Human and Monster War. He would visit us often.
"This monster taught me everything I know about souls and magic. He saw my magical abilities when I always believed I had none. He gave me the ring you now wear on your finger. In a lot of ways, he was my biggest teacher. But more importantly . . . he was a surrogate grandfather to me when I didn't know I needed one.
"He had a lot of beliefs, too. No matter what I was going through, he always assured me there was a purpose behind the suffering. Not that I wanted to hear any of it at the time. . . . He told me that even if this life was hard, it could get better, and maybe my next life would be even better as well."
"Next life?" Frisk questioned. "Like reincarnation?"
"I'm not quite sure myself," Chara admitted. "He could have meant reincarnation, or he could have meant the afterlife. I think the point he tried to make with me was this life isn't all there is. I think he might be right, even if I don't understand it. All I hope is in my next life, I get to see him again, even if neither of us remember this life. I only want to be reunited one last time."
Pondering this for a moment, Frisk said slowly, "If there really is a next life, I hope we get to meet again in it."
Not just the words, but the sincerity of them, hit Chara like a punch to the stomach. His eyes locked with Frisk's. There was a small smile on her face.
"I don't know if we will be friends or enemies," she continued, "but I hope no matter what, we meet again. If our souls are bound together, does that only apply to this life? Or does it apply to any past or future lives we live?"
"I don't know," Chara replied. "I so foolishly never believed in the bonding of souls, so I never asked him the questions I now realize I need the answers to."
Although Chara smiled, Frisk saw no joy behind it.
"What happened to him?" she asked, wanting desperately to reach out and hold Chara's hand.
"He was sick," Chara answered, his smile falling. "So, so sick. He toughed it out for as long as he could, but one day . . . he was found Fallen Down."
"He fell?" Frisk felt an ache in her chest. "What happened? Was he badly hurt?"
"Don't you know what Fallen Down means?" When Frisk shook her head, Chara explained, "Monsters are very different from us humans. For one, monsters' bodies are not made up of much physical matter like yours is, like mine was. Their bodies are mostly magic. As a result, this affects how monsters die.
"Similar to humans on their deathbeds, monsters do have a period before their life ends. The difference is when these monsters lie down, they are immobile. They are in a state of complete comatose. They never wake up again. I . . . I couldn't bear knowing that within hours or days, the one person who really understood me would crumble to ashes."
"I'm so sorry, Chara," Frisk whispered. Chara didn't cry, but the devastation on his face brought tears in her eyes to cry on his behalf. When she blinked, they ran down her cheeks.
Chara shook his head, and he didn't continue. The memory seemed more than he could bear. Frisk wouldn't push him to continue if he wasn't ready.
Chara couldn't do it. He couldn't bring himself to tell Frisk about those final days. That was the point his life truly began to make a turn for the worst, ultimately leading to Asriel's own death just a few years later.
His parents understood how badly this death affected Chara, and they gave him all the time he needed to mourn. Asgore had even told Chara all about the battles those two fought together during the war. Somehow, all their attempts to comfort him only made him feel worse about everything.
Recalling his conversation with Frisk, Chara looked at her weeping face and whispered, "There is so much I would change if I could go back and do it all again."
"I wish there was so much more I could do for you besides say these stupid apologies," Frisk replied just as softly, her lower lip wobbling.
"You're listening to me without judgement. You accept me despite what I am. Stripes, you can't even begin to understand everything you have done for me."
When the sadness didn't lighten from Frisk's face, Chara smiled at her. She returned the gesture. In spite of the situation, it appeared Frisk wasn't letting go of any hope going forward.
Chara pointed at the tray. "You need to eat something. Drink some water. You must be hungry and thirsty."
After contemplating how she was going to pick up the glass without spilling any water, Frisk opted to lean forward and try to drink some of the liquid from the top of the cup. This way, she was able to get rid of enough water for her to feel more confident picking up the cup. She somehow still managed to spill some of it on herself.
"Brilliant," she muttered as Chara laughed. She glared at him before laughing herself. Reaching for the fruit first, Frisk popped some of the berries into her mouth.
"If you want," Frisk said slowly, testing the waters, "after we somehow break the barrier, we can visit where his ashes were scattered before we go to the surface."
It was a sweet gesture, but something about it squeezed Chara's soul as if his stomach were being knotted up. At this very moment, Chara became hyper aware that things were no longer going to be the same. No matter how many times Asgore killed Frisk, she would ultimately come out victorious. With her determination being her greatest weapon, Frisk would find some way to break the barrier. Life would go on, but Chara . . .
There was no place for him in a world beyond this one.
"That would be nice," he admitted.
Frisk tilted her head to the side, indicating her awareness that something was wrong. "You're upset about something. What's on your mind?"
Dodging her question by asking one of his own, Chara said, "What do you plan to do when you return to the surface with everyone?"
"Oh, um, I haven't really thought that far ahead." Frisk awkwardly chuckled. "I don't remember much about living on the surface. I think it would be just as much of an adjustment for me as it would be for everyone else.
"Though I guess, now that I'm thinking about it . . . I think I might try living a normal life. Go to college, get a job, stuff like that. With the life I have been living for almost a year now, a normal life sounds like a welcoming change."
He didn't want to ask. He shouldn't have asked. Yet against his very desires, Chara heard himself ask, "Where do I fit in with all of this?"
Furrowing her brows as if it weren't even a question, Frisk answered, "With me, of course. Where else would you be?"
Somehow, it was the answer Chara expected yet didn't want to hear. "Stripes, when you break the barrier and guide everyone to the surface, I have just one request for you."
"I would do anything for you."
"Throw away the locket."
"I'm not doing that." Frisk looked horrified. "I understand you were hurt a lot when you lived on the surface, but you won't have to endure that anymore. I'll be by your side. You never have to be alone again."
"And that's why I need you to get rid of the locket." Seeing the hurt and confusion on Frisk's face, Chara explained, "I don't want to do it. I can't even imagine it. Spending every day by your side, watching your life but never being able to be a part of it. Watching you live your life, fall in love, possibly start a family. I want those things for you – I really do! – but I can't bear to be forced to watch."
"What are you talking about?" A fresh wave of tears sprang to Frisk's eyes. "Nothing has even happened yet."
"Yes, nothing has happened yet." If he still had a heart to break, it would have shattered in these moments. "However, it is foolish to assume nothing ever will happen. You will grow old. You will eventually reach the end of your life. Where does that leave me? A family heirloom of sorts?"
It was clear to Chara that Frisk didn't know how to respond, because she screwed up her face and replied, "Yes?'
"And what kind of a life is that for me?" Chara shook his head, angrier at himself than he was at her. Frisk didn't know any better. He never gave her understanding to. "Stripes, please, if you care for me at all, you will find some way to permanently discard the locket. If you can find someway to destroy it and finally free my soul, that would be better."
"Why are you asking me to do this?" Frisk demanded, her voice firm even as the tears streamed down her face.
"Because I am tired of pretending to be alive!"
"What about me?! Do I mean so little to you that you would ask me to do something I can't imagine ever doing?"
The devastation on Frisk's face broke Chara in ways he didn't know he could be broken. To see her so hurt at the realization he didn't want to be with her for the rest of her life confirmed that it was better for the both of them if she were to discard him forever. She deserved so much better than he could ever have to offer.
"You mean more to me than my own soul does," Chara said softly. His anger melted away. In its place were feelings he tried to hide but now, for the first and last time, allowed himself to feel. "I promised myself I would never grow close to anyone again after Asriel died, but that changed after I started getting to know you. Without ever realizing it, Frisk, you revealed to me that there wasn't any part of me too broken to be made whole again."
"No," Frisk whispered, her tears not ceasing. The use of her name must have tipped off to her where he was going. "Stop."
Chara should have listened. She only wanted one thing from him in this moment, and he didn't heed her words. Selfishly deciding it was better for him to regret saying the words than not saying them, Chara allowed the one secret he didn't want to keep fall from his lips.
"I love you."
Frisk sucked in a sharp breath. She stared at him with wide eyes, no response forming on her own lips. It was as if she had never seen him before.
His dauntlessness now gone, Chara felt ashamed. He was being foolish. As if there were anything to gain from confessing this to her.
"I don't know when I started having these feelings," Chara quickly explained, hoping for some damage control, "but I understand they are useless ones. There's so much bad between us from when we first met, I understand why you would never feel the same. Besides, I have nothing to offer you. I have been dead for a long time. By all means, we never should have met.
"I only want you to understand why I can't be a witness to the life you live after all this. As happy as I want you to be, it would kill me to see you with someone who can be for you what I can never be. It's selfish of me, I know, but if you value my friendship as you say you do, you would understand why I can no longer be a part of your life once you reach the surface."
While Chara spoke, Frisk's hand traveled to the locket. He knew she wanted to remove the locket, but she stopped herself. Even if it was still habit, she no longer disrespected him by forcing him to freeze in place when he also needed to process what had happened.
Not that this didn't mean she wanted to keep seeing him.
"I will step outside," Chara said as he rose to his feet. "I, um . . . , I will return when the monster comes to check on you. Until then, I will look around. If I sense anything suspicious, I will come back sooner to warn you."
Eyes locked where Chara was on the floor and not where he stood now, Frisk nodded. Chara sighed, taking this as his que to leave. After he walked through the door, he stood by it for a moment. Had he the need to breathe, he would have taken deep breaths. Without having to be told, he knew how badly he made things worse for Frisk.
When he heard her sobs on the other side of the door, Chara fell to the ground, hugged his knees to his chest, and did the closest thing to crying he could with this tearless form.
Try as she might to stifle her sobs, Frisk knew Chara could hear her. He wouldn't have stepped far, and now that he heard her, she knew he would stay close. If only she could have held it together a little longer, but she found the emotions spilling out before she could stop them.
She didn't want to think about what had happened. She didn't understand how their conversation took such a turn as this. Frisk found herself desperate for answers to questions she didn't want to ask.
The truth was, Frisk didn't know what she felt. Before now, she never stopped to think about any such thing. Finding the answer would be pointless, as Chara made clear to her.
Frisk continued to clutch the locket like a lifeline. She grasped it as if it would vanish at any moment. Although she understood why Chara requested she do away with it before reaching the surface, and parts of her did want to respect that wish, Frisk didn't want to imagine what life would be like without her ghostly companion by her side.
After a lifetime of people leaving, Frisk was happy to find people who would never leave her.
Only they did.
First Toriel died, and now Chara wanted to leave as well.
It was then Frisk realized how much she placed her value in being accepted by others. Parts of her argued that if Chara really cared for her like he said, wanting to leave would not be an option. Yet as Frisk processed what he told her, she admitted to herself she would have wanted the same thing were she in his position.
Chara couldn't even participate in the world around him, yet he was more proactive than Frisk ever was.
Maybe Frisk loved him, and maybe she didn't – it didn't matter now. Either way, Frisk could not deny the respect and admiration she had for him. While Chara claimed Frisk had been the child to Toriel he never was, Frisk knew Chara was the human she should have been.
Time was running out. Soon, Frisk would confront King Asgore. When she finally defeated him, however many deaths it may take, Frisk would find a way to free everyone.
If Chara didn't want to come with her to the surface, she would respect his wish. With that being the case, her time with Chara was running out. Pushing her own confusion aside, Frisk decided not to waste any of the precious time they had left.
Filled with determination, Frisk picked up the half loaf of bread and took a big bite out of it.