- Chapter 23: De Profundis -
"We couldn't be sure when the Volturi would come," Edward said, stroking my wrist with one long finger. "Alice's vision was vague. But we could see it was still spring, and Nessie looked about the same age. I knew we had to move quickly."
Alice had seen that Aro was coming, as I already knew. She hadn't been sure whether his concern was due to Nessie or me, but regardless of the impetus, my presence would compel Aro to search through Edward's mind.
"We tried so many different paths, but every scenario where I kept you with me, you ended up dead," Edward said. "Sending you to the wolves was the only way we found that had a chance to keep you safe from Aro." He would read Nessie's mind directly and find no hint that she knew anything she oughtn't. With me far away, the matter might be solved without Aro taking notice of me at all.
Or so it seemed in Alice's visions.
After that awful day and the heartbreakingly perfect night, Edward followed the Cullens and Nessie went to their home in the wilds of Canada, leaving me behind.
"I might have sent you further," he said miserably, "but Aro was certain to find out where you were if he read my mind. At least with the Pack, you would have some protection."
When the Volturi finally made their appearance weeks after our separation, Edward allowed Aro to take Nessie's small, vulnerable hand as they'd planned. And when Aro read her mind, he saw what she was willing to show him: that she was a remarkably unobservant child, paying no attention to the strangeness of her distant relations.
"A dear child," he'd said aloud, watching Esme take Nessie away. "Remarkably guileless. I suppose Eleazar was right—you have broken no laws with her."
For a moment, Edward felt deep relief—this was the outcome Alice had foreseen. But then Aro turned to him, red eyes hard. "But what of the woman?"
"Which woman?" Edward asked with feigned insouciance, but panic was rising.
Come now, Edward, don't be coy, Aro thought, and then a memory of something Antoinette had shown him flashed in his mind.
The moment that had set all our fates into motion had slipped by all our notices.
"It was barely two days after I'd met you," Edward said bitterly. "I had only just avoided killing you there in the drive. But Alice saw a vision that one day I would…care for you. She said it aloud, just once. That I would be mated with you, a human."
Antoinette, long removed from Edward's concern and not yet part of Alice's, had heard the whisper—it's what had caused her to first attack me. And when she approached the Volturi about Edward's crimes, seeking any route to return to them with her once-husband in tow, Aro had seen that tantalizing moment and filed it away.
"I tried to block him from getting to me," Edward continued, "but Jane snared me with her pain, and I couldn't escape."
Aro touched him then, and he saw it all.
When Edward was finally released from the grip of the agony, Aro was laughing. "Incredible," he whispered. "A human with the power to escape even your gift. And such beautiful visions your sister has had…"
Before he could expound, however, Alice let loose a cry.
"She saw Antoinette grabbing you," Edward said. "Aro touched me quickly, before I knew what he was doing, and he saw the vision in my mind."
Aro tsked. "So impatient," he said. "Still, she may have made things easier for me."
"He'd told Antoinette he might consider allowing her to rejoin the guard if she delivered you to him," Edward continued. "He couldn't stop himself thinking about it—originally, he thought he'd leverage you to convince me to return to Volterra, but now that he knew of your gift, he kept picturing you as a vampire, as he'd seen you in my memories of Alice's visions."
"She'll kill her," Alice had whimpered. "She's too uncontrolled."
"That got Aro's attention." Edward sounded angry now. "He couldn't bear the idea of losing your gift before he'd had a chance to test it out himself. So he let us go find you—with his guards as insurance, of course."
The Tracker guard—Demetri—had been able to find Antoinette, but they intercepted her far from the cabin where she'd left me, and she was unable or unwilling to help them return.
"You were so smart to start planning ahead," Edward whispered to me, the words tumbling out of him at a fever pitch. His fingers ghosted over my forehead. "That's how Alice and I found you."
Alice had spotted a distinctive peak when I'd set off up the creek, and it was enough to get them within range to scent me.
"I never should have left you without protection," he said vehemently. "I thought if it looked like I'd abandoned you, Antoinette would think you were nothing to me. And if we left a vampire nearby to guard you, the Volturi would have noticed. I thought the mongrels would be enough, damn them."
He was leaning down now, his forehead pressed to my hand, begging for absolution.
"It tore me apart, Bella. To leave you, to be so far from you. And to know that it had been for nothing, to see you in such pain—"
His voice cut off suddenly, his breath ragged against my skin. The sound tore against my consciousness, even past the surging pain of what I was sure were the final stages of my transformation. I thought if he'd been able to, he would be crying.
My heartbeat was growing faster now, as though it would explode from my chest to wrap around him in his anguish—or perhaps outrun the searing venom that burned away the last of my humanity.
But I'm here, I wanted to scream. I'm all right!
Edward's breath caught, and through the haze of fire that was growing to truly unbearable levels, I felt him sitting up, looming above me. His grip on my hand tightened.
"I can't—oh, I should have told you every day, my Bella…"
How could the fire be getting even hotter? Surely I couldn't withstand it! The pressure in my chest built until I swore I could hear the very muscles in my heart shredding, sinew and tissue ripping apart with every pulse, with every squeeze. Faster and faster, at such a frantic pace that the sound was almost one long hum, no break, too fast now—
It stuttered. Once, twice. Faltering in its desperation.
And then, overwhelmed, it stopped.
Silence. Stillness. Blissful nothing, after the age of agony beyond my understanding.
Like I'd been smothered by a blank abyss, where there was no more fire, no more pain. Just...absence. An endless moment where the universe forgot me, and I forgot it. For one impossible second, I thought I might not wake.
But then there was Edward.
His hand—still on mine—felt sharper, clearer than it ever had. His breath brushed my cheek, cool and impossibly soft. It spoke of a new world, if I could find the courage to meet it.
I opened my eyes, and the colors of reality came flooding in, vibrant and shimmering. But before I could even comprehend the strange, newness of it all, a truth burst from me with as much force as the final beat of my heart:
"I love you."
I couldn't be sure which was the greater relief, the end of the pain of my transformation or finally, finally saying it aloud to him.
His beautiful face came into focus quickly—but it was different, somehow, sharper—as though my eye could take in more of him in each square inch.
I reached for him, my hand moving sickeningly fast and with far too much power. I knocked his jaw, gasping as I realized his skin was no longer cold and hard like marble, but gave to my touch like any human flesh.
His head jerked to the side, but his eyes remained fixed on mine.
"Bella," he breathed, and the sound, too, was more. Richer, smoother, rather like going from hearing a fiddle over the radio to a virtuoso violinist playing in a concert hall.
"I love you," I repeated. My own voice surprised me this time, now that I was coming fully into awareness. "I love you. I love you."
"I love you, my Bella," Edward breathed, and then I was sitting up, grasping at his chin and crushing his lips to mine.
"Ah," he gasped against my mouth, though I felt his lips curve up in a smile. "Careful—you're stronger than I am now."
I pulled back. It felt like the room was spinning. I could see every particle of dust, feel the breath of wind through the crack in the door, hear blades of grass rustling and birds alighting on the rooftop and Alice's chatter, sounding echoey, as though she were speaking over water—
"Easy." I realized I was scrabbling to cover my ears even as my arms were wrapped about him. "It's just a bit overwhelming, I know."
His voice soothed me, and I concentrated everything in me on that sound, drowning everything else out.
"There you are." He grasped my hands gently in his, twining our fingers. "It's all right. You're all right."
"Oh, Edward," I whimpered.
"Bella," he said again. He pulled one hand away from the tangle between us and cupped my chin, my jaw, running a thumb over every inch of my lips. "Oh, my love. I'm so sorry."
I shook my head, shocked to find that I wasn't crying. But of course I wasn't—I would never cry again. "Nessie?" I asked.
"With Esme and Rose and Carlisle, safely back at Culwoode. Mrs. Weber and Angela are there too, to help care for her."
My heart sank. He would have to go to her soon, I realized, and I could not go with him. I ached at the thought of parting from him, from Nessie—but not as much as I ached at the thought of him being parted from her.
Edward saw my distress, and bent to kiss me softly. "We'll worry about that later."
"You can read my mind now?" I demanded—with excitement or horror, I couldn't be sure.
"Silent as ever." He bent to nuzzle my temple. "But it's written all over your face."
He pulled back slightly then, looking me over with an intensity borne of all the months of danger and uncertainty, finally resolved.
"God, you're marvelous." His hushed words were full of reverence. "I can hardly believe…"
I bit my lip, ducking my head as though a blush would form—but of course, it would not. "I suppose I'm finally your equal."
Edward's grip on my hand tightened. "You've always been my better," he corrected. "But now I won't have to be quite so worried about hurting you."
That brought forth my smile again, and I met his gaze with more boldness.
How odd to feel my chest constrict so without the accompaniment of the tell-tale galloping of my heartbeat.
Even as I felt every spare inch of my new form fill with joy, I saw Edward's face fall just slightly. He sat back in his chair, leaving me bereft.
But of course, I could move any way I wished now that the change was complete. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and leaned in close to him, reaching to touch one lean thigh.
"What is it?" I asked softly. "Are you…disappointed?"
"Of course not!" He grabbed at my hands again.
"Then why are you pulling away?"
Hunching into himself, he made a dismayed sound, choked and bitter. "Oh Bella," he said wretchedly. "I am…so much more selfish than I ever knew."
I needed to be closer to him. I slid down to my knees on the floor, leaning against his legs. "What do you mean?"
His hand hovered by my cheek, as though he dared not touch me. "Look what I've done to you. All that I've taken from you. And yet…I'm relieved, Bella. I'm glad. Because I can have you now. Forever." His hand dropped, and he screwed his eyes shut. "What kind of monster thinks like that?"
It was instinct; I flowed up from the ground, sliding my body over every inch of his until I was seated in his lap. My arms twined around his neck, and I pulled him in until our lips brushed.
"My monster," I all but growled.
And before he could protest, I kissed him as though it were the first time.
At first, he was utterly still. After just a moment's hesitation, a plaintive noise rose in his throat, and the dam broke. Everything was Edward—the scent, the taste, the feel where our forms touched—ah, and the delicious sensation of those rare points of skin on skin—
I was tearing at his clothes and mine, desperate for more, even as I drank at his lips like they were the source of all life. And for me, in that moment, they were.
"Bella," he groaned into my mouth, hands attempting to gentle me. "Wait—"
"No," I growled, pressing him more firmly back into the chair.
Crack!
Suddenly, we were on the floor, him under me. It was enough to break the spell, and I lifted my head in confusion.
"You broke the chair," Edward said blankly.
Our eyes met, mine shocked, and his wary. He pursed his lips hard, as though he were blocking something in. And then…a strangled noise escaped.
He was laughing at me, the cad.
The irrepressible sound broke the dam—we both dissolved, our newly-matched bodies shaking and rolling together in our mirth. It all felt so unreal, to be here, cradled to his chest on the floor amongst the splintered remains of the chair, all of my senses heightened far beyond what I could have comprehended mere days ago. And somehow laughter was the only logical reaction to finding myself so very alive after my death.
Gradually, in fits and starts, we quieted down. Until we were just breathing together, me still half-sprawled over Edward. He had wrapped one arm around my shoulders, settling my head in the nook between his shoulder and crisp, strong jaw. I tipped my head to look at him, and he looked at me.
There was both wonder and wariness in his gaze as he searched my face.
"What?" I squirmed a little in his arms, but didn't look away.
"How are you so…normal right now?"
I blinked. "I…what do you mean?"
His hand smoothed up to stroke my hair. "You ought to be absolutely mindless with thirst," he said, and suddenly my throat was aflame.
I wanted to leap up and tear through the walls to the outside, then run until I found whatever would slake the need. But I held still, calling on that inner strength I'd found while I was burning. At least this burning was limited to one part of me; before, every atom of me had felt the torment. I drew a circle around my awareness of the desperation—it was there, but it was separate from my mind.
Edward was still talking. "But here you are, conversing with me like nothing has changed."
"I don't remember knocking you over with lust ever before," I said dryly. The flames in my throat crackled; now that I had acknowledged them, they were getting more difficult to ignore.
He chuckled, low and dark. "Well, that was a matter of circumstance, I'm sure. It's only that you weren't strong enough then."
I made a face, and he laughed again.
"Don't get us started," he groaned, "or we'll never get out of this room."
"I am…thirsty," I admitted cautiously, and I was right—voicing the word increased the demand a hundredfold. "But there were things that needed to be said between us. The other could wait."
He gave me that keen stare again, as though he might find a route into my mind if he searched my face hard enough.
"Remarkable," he said softly to himself.
I shifted. The sensation was growing unbearable—it wasn't only thirst, not really, nor hunger; there was a sense rather like holding your breath underwater too long, when the surface seemed too far away for the breath left in your lungs.
Edward quickly blinked away the questions behind his eyes. "Later," he said briskly as he got to his feet. He moved with a speed he'd rarely allowed himself in front of me when I was human—but now, it looked relatively normal to my enhanced eyes.
"Now, we hunt."
Author's Note: I set a goal for myself of finishing this story within a year, and we're so very nearly there. I'm putting the final touches on the last two installment. Chapter 24 will be up by next Friday, and I will be posting the final chapter/epilogue on the 1 year anniversary, Oct 26. Thank you all who've been on this ride with me.