Okay, I know I wrote that it was gonna be my last entry and because of that I've been able to focus on going around the Broken Isle doing the jobs that needed to be done, going here and there, collecting these things, or that one thing, and lastly kill this and that. And there has been a lot of this and that (killing I mean) and I guess if you wanted this to be an action thriller novel about the morally perfect paladin clashing swords against evil villains that drops a snappy one liner after beating them. I'm going to ask you to put the book down and look for a fictional book or maybe a paladin you heard about. The fact of the matter is; combat is, and should be, difficult, and a rarity. Combat makes for a very exceptional sword instructor, they should remember what they were taught, but they should be able to go back to that life or death situation so they can practice to make their form fluid and graceful.

I will say that at least one life or death combat encounter is essential to any combat practitioner from boxing, to siege artillery. Because when someone comes screaming at them and they can see in their enemies' eyes that they want to kill you, they panic, they freeze, and they forget everything they were taught. Optimally, if you can recall the terrors of war through stories or meditation then I think you're set for battle.

That isn't me, the Legion, the Scourge, the Scarlet Crusade, the Burning Blade, the Defilers Brotherhood, the Bloodsail Buccaneers, the Venture Company, the Twilight Hammer, the Iron Horde, (Believe it or not there most likely more than a few dozen I'm forgetting to mention) and of course, the Alliance, every day, I'd kill some of them, they'd kill some of my people, and I'd kill them some more. If these words mean nothing to you… Great. Means I did my job eradicating them completely or someone else did.

It's the job and you see the people that are changed by war, the smell, the feel, and you turn it on like a switch, but I don't think a person can kill so much and not be affected, not break inside. To survive those I fight must become monsters, and I can't assume that they love as I love, hate as I hate, and fight just as hard as me for the same reasons as me. However, I have seen the bodies of children, and while in my tunnel vision, I never assumed that it was my fault, directly or indirectly, but the Scarlet Crusade have used some underhanded psychological tactics with kids, and the resent battle for the Exodar the Legion used child Man'ari Eredar (aka Red Draenei) to try to break Velen resolve while he held up a barrier that sheltered his injured, but sometimes they're just there, in the middle of a war, and you don't know why. I guess it's easy to assume that every zealot extremist is a cigar smoking, womanizing, alpha wolf that doesn't take no for an answer or a miserable pile of secrets that he would like to be? For every man that has seen my face on the battlefield, did they assume that I should be in a kitchen, attending to a husband and children or a tent full of injured soldiers? I don't know.

There's a part of me that wants that, that wanted that, but I was a different person then. Competency is not exciting but there is… Something to knowing exactly where you belong, and being surrounded by not only the people that love you, but depend on you. They're not a lot of stories about housewives but there is a foundational appeal to leaving a legacy of sons and daughters that is more solid than stories or deeds of bravery.

I can also easily assume that a lot of men would want the position I'm in right now. My physicality, my pension for violence, my power, yes, being an invincible hero in the peak of my physical health is the best. I'm pretty sure it beats having cancer. I don't know what it really means to me. I've just been walking this path and I see the people behind me trying to run, trying to motivate themselves to get to my level, hoping I could help them, but all states and facts of what a Highlord is supposed to do is really just an opinion. Frankly enemies outside the hall want to stop an invader, a thief, a trespasser, or a murderer and they simply can't stop them (me), and while my allies and my employers see someone heroic, I simply don't. For almost two weeks that guilt has settled, but the fact of the matter is the grunts have set up their camps. The guards started their patrols and all that needs to be done is what I need to do.

And what I need to do is be honest, moral, and reasonable, not because of any reward or praise but because it's what all people should do. They should step forward into the light, and I don't mean the Light that gave me paladin powers, I mean the light you discover from silence and contemplation, a light that can only be realized when you're surrounded by misery and darkness. A light where you find yourself in a crumbled pathetic state with no chance of recovery, where you are forced to confront the self, or be humble enough to ask for help, because the lies you tell yourself lose effect and all that's left is the reality. It is through hardship, but also through love, joy, and friendship do we forge our light that can burn within us in every waking moment. Like a diamond in the rough, no, a diamond in a coal mine. That even on the rare outcome that you find one, skill, precision, and time must be implemented to forge something beautiful.

Many people claim to be that diamond, the privileged predestined few that squander their potential living in anger, envy, and guilt, chasing revenge, violence, and desire, choices and endless choices that don't really mean anything. Because if you're always wanting, always competing, and always pointing the finger elsewhere, you can never look within.

True change and catharsis is the greatest gift of all, it takes grit, and it takes courage to stand the waves of life and remain optimistic and moral. It is so easy to slip into darkness. As a reader I would like to ask you, how many people do you know that are living in Hell right now? Residing in fear and hatred, wants that cannot be and desires that torture their minds. These are the mindset of the people I kill, the Legion, but understand that at whichever point in time you find my words, that this is the mindset that only benefits your oppressive tyrants. To be distracted by the illusion of conquest, race, gender, or sexual preferences. The all-seeing eye that wishes for our complete enslavement to the material world and its traps. Love is the only way out. Love that is not only platonic, but attention and focus, and people don't realize how much love there actually is. With the right mind we can see love in many things, we can see love in anything, especially art. An art piece or even a skilled swordsman gives off an unmistakable energy, whereas something made robotical will lack this. Things cared for with love give off an unmistakable aura and, in their presents, we feel at peace and feel the force that is love, that is the Light. It is never separate from you; it is always within.

Unfortunately, it is only with misery, darkness, and suffering do most of us crave the light. We began to seek purpose and strength, we began to develop mercy, fairness, and compassion. However, some will succumb to the darkness and never return, people that feel subjugated, oppressed, and always angry, but they have not learned one of the greatest truths. Life is hard, and it's hard for everyone, and no amount of money or luxury can save you from the second greatest truth, life ends and it's always tragic, and a closed, hardened heart won't protect you from that. The idea of happiness through revelry or isolation is an illusion: there is no place of complete happiness and free of suffering. You are a master of your destiny and emotions in a world of chaos. You have free will and it's up to you to fight through it, to help others, and survive the darkness. So I ask you: What do you fight for? Happiness or truth? Truth is the essence of the Light. Peace, happiness, serenity, and harmony are lies and misplaced expectations. Illusions that only bring misfortune. Many paladins will disagree with that statement but before you throw my book to a fire, understand this: those things are within, and anyone telling you that you are fighting for all those things I just mentioned: peace, happiness, serenity, and harmony is fooling you.

You're not a fool, are you? No, you've gotten this far, read through that whole unfinished autobiography and if I do remember what happened during Arthas Medivh's invasion, I'll stop everything I'm doing, lock myself in a room, and write it until it's done. However, while I have listened to zealot speeches and even made a few myself, I usually just roll my eyes when someone is yelling about peace, truth, and a, insert land names, way of life.

So how do you know when someone speaks the truth? Well, if you're a woman you could probably pick up on the lies fairly easily regardless of what a person says about your physical biology. We have a pretty good eye for la connerie. As of right now I'm finding out that with the subordination of men to accomplish goals that they rarely question a leader, even if their leader is far from qualified. (Guilty as charged) Men will follow through, even with bad plans and have been able to improvise to get the desired outcome. However, if you are a man you need to pay attention to your own actions as well as the actions of others and if those actions are self-destructive or to others, then it cannot be the truth. Lies, even flattery, and ever the willingness to protect secrets from a friend are self-destructive long term, and only should be used in selfless acts such as war. Inflating one's ego to feel special only boxes you into a corner to fill the void where a true personality would be, which will slowly grow into self-hate. When you hear someone speak of their morals do you see contradictions in their actions? When you hear a commander belittling a lower recruit, have you seen those same mistakes from them? While the greatest spies will fess up to their lies when concrete evidence is exposed, a true self-hating individual will keep denying, keep placing the blame, and keep making up stories where they're the hero or the victim. These people are lost and are too far gone to be saved. They are lost to the illusion that their lives are more important than they actually are. Pity them and pretend that you believe their lies, aid them to come to terms with truth, or envy them that they have found peace in a world that doesn't exist, but never ever follow them. I'm aware that defamation could be as empathetically painful as doing an amputation, but it's just as important. They will thank you later when they realize that people accepted them as their true selves.

The Light I command is a conduit of change and harbinger of truth. So, what fuels your spells, assuming that you are also a paladin or priest. Is it power, if you have power, how do you use it? When no one is looking, what do you do? If you have the chance to be petty or violent toward those weaker than you, do you take it? Do you wish to dominate others? Or do you wish to bring out the potential in yourself and others around you?

Highlords wield great power but not all highlords are great. It's actually something I'm trying to come to terms with, while a moral man with no power might answer these questions morally. It is for a person with power that will have the most challenge to do what is morally right. To hate or dominate, and to seek wealth above all else. Understand that without a clear goal all weak leaders with great power will default to these basic instincts. If you are a subordinate to a weak leader, remind them, and if they heed not your advice, you need to stop being a coward and lead others yourself. What I would like the Silver Hand to be is; every squire, knight, or paladin to be able to defend themselves in idea and body. They must try to protect those that cannot protect themselves. Because in the end, we all lose our bodies, but we should never lose our honor. I'm aware that honor is an abstract belief, but when it's felt it is more real and transcendent then reality itself. From the outside it looks like lights, but to the caster they are consciously weaving change that transcends time and space. Wounds close, guilt is made manifest, power comes from truth, and truth becomes power. If we do not stick to our morals, honor ourselves, and our convictions we lose that. Worst, we would become no better than a beast with steel. If we do not protect the weak or show mercy, how can we truly be strong?

I know mercy and strength don't seem like interchangeable merits, like stupid paladin talk. However, those who witness abuse without intervention pay a penalty and your own pain will mitigate your failure to act earlier. You will pay enough for only witnessing the pain of others and if nothing I said is related to you, relate that, and protect yourself from that. Because the truth of the matter is, I haven't. I've lost faith in myself and the Light and thought to myself, "What's the point?"

I suppose if you've never had paladin powers, if there was no physical, visual, or otherwise reminder, you might be thinking the same thing. That your love for money and ownership has put you far enough and loving and giving seems like a disservice to yourself.

Who am I to deny you?

But everyday we all move closer to our judgment, we must all try to make the world a better place, and teach others how to do the same. Why? Whether judgment in the afterlife exists or not it doesn't really depend on what you believe, or what I say. But think about it, look into your heart. There will be good days and bad and when we inevitably go through darkness, you can always look to the Light, but it is good to have friends. The fire that has kept me alive through the most unimaginable pain you can think of was love, but also their love, the Light's love, and I will never be able to repay the debt.

I wish I could tell you, but there are things I hope to say but can't, and I hope that if I can write them, maybe I can say them one day. To speak the truth, is that so selfish? Your integrity has very little meaning to anyone else but don't let go of it. Because your integrity is your freedom. Take some time to look at a tree, look into the sky and see the sun, stop all distractions and just live in the moment. Be skeptical but also have faith and trust. Then find out who you are through trial and error, joy and pain, be open of heart and mind, protect what cannot protect itself and be a servant of truth. All it takes is attention and small steps every day. You don't need to change the world or leave a legacy, you don't need to be rich or be feared by others, you don't need to be big or strong. You only need the Light that will push through all darkness and warm the hearts of those all around you. If I trust you enough to let you read this, if you tortured me into submission, if you killed me, or I'm already dead. Know that I love you, with all my being, I love you.

With almost a week of no writing, I'm looking back and forth at the pages I wrote, and I can't believe how philosophical it is and forgive me for being a little too 'preachy'. I'm pretty sure if I said these things out loud I would come off as pretty annoying. I'm trying not to, but I can't, because I know what I sound like, a former High Elf noble. Everything I say sounds like a complaint, even when I'm happy, but I have been reading some of the books in these halls. I'm sure I made up for the lost time, but if it is my last log, I don't think it's terrible. I need to accept the role I was given and do my best.