Monday

You'd think being the middle kid comes with a few advantages, but let me tell you, it really doesn't. In fact, it probably makes things worse. You've got a little brother who's basically a walking time bomb, ready to ruin your life at any second, and an older brother who's gotten away with so much stuff that it's basically impossible to get him in trouble anymore.

Take today, for example. It was supposed to be a normal, quiet day. Mom was out running errands, Dad was at work, and Rodrick was doing what he does best—sleeping on the couch. I had just sat down to play video games when Manny came into the kitchen with his stuffed animal collection.

I don't know what it is about Manny, but the kid has this way of making even the simplest things a disaster waiting to happen. Sure enough, I didn't have to wait long for that disaster to hit.

Mom came back from running errands, looking pretty tired as usual. As soon as she walked through the door, she saw Manny and gave him one of her overly sweet "Mom looks." You know the kind. "Hi, Manny!" she said in her chipper voice. "How's your day going?"

Manny practically jumped up from the floor. "Good!" he shouted, way too excited for no reason. Then, with a huge grin, he said the words that nearly made me pass out on the spot.

"Guess what, Mommy? I learned a new word from Bubby!"

Manny pointed directly at me, and I swear my heart skipped a beat. There was no doubt about which "new word" he was talking about, and I had about two seconds to stop him before he could say it out loud.

So, like any responsible big brother, I did what I had to do. I slapped my hand over his mouth.

"TMI, Manny," I said, hoping that would be the end of it. "TMI."

Of course, Mom wasn't just going to drop it. She narrowed her eyes at me, clearly thinking I had done something way worse than just covering Manny's mouth. "Greg," she said in that no-nonsense tone she uses when she's about to start giving one of her famous lectures, "have you been teaching Manny a word he's not supposed to say?"

I've learned over the years that when Mom starts using that tone, you're basically already in trouble. No use trying to lie your way out of it, because she's going to find out eventually. So I went with the next best thing: not lying, but also not telling the whole truth.

"No, not necessarily," I said, trying to sound as innocent as possible. "At least, not intentionally."

Yeah, that didn't help. Mom crossed her arms and gave me the look—the one that says I better start explaining now or else.

I sighed. "Look, I didn't mean for it to happen," I said, already regretting this whole situation. "I stubbed my toe earlier, and I might've said something I wasn't supposed to, and Manny heard it." I paused, hoping that would be enough, but Mom's expression didn't change. "And now he won't stop repeating it."

"Greg, shame on you!" Mom said, like she was personally offended that I had let a bad word slip. "You know better than that! You're supposed to be setting a good example for your little brother."

Now, normally this would be the part where I get a long lecture about responsibility and being a good role model, but I wasn't going down alone. I had an ace up my sleeve, and I was going to use it.

"But it's not like I came up with that word on my own," I said. "I didn't learn it by myself. I learned it from Rodrick."

I could see Mom's face change immediately, like I had just given her the real reason to be mad. And trust me, when Mom gets mad at Rodrick, things get interesting.

"Is that so?" Mom said, her voice suddenly a lot angrier than before.

Without even giving me a chance to explain, Mom turned around and stomped into the living room, where Rodrick was still passed out on the couch.

"Rodrick!" she yelled. "Have you been teaching Greg and Manny bad words?"

Rodrick groaned, still half-asleep. He's been perfecting the art of avoiding responsibility for years, so I was curious to see how he was going to talk his way out of this one.

"What?" Rodrick mumbled, his voice muffled by the pillow. "I didn't teach anyone anything."

Mom wasn't buying it. She stood over him with her hands on her hips, ready to go full-on Mom Mode. "Greg says you've been using bad language around him and Manny," she said. "You know the rules, Rodrick. No cursing in front of your brothers!"

Rodrick slowly sat up and rubbed his eyes, looking completely confused. "I didn't teach them anything," he said, sounding more annoyed than guilty. "I don't even know what Greg's talking about."

Now, I've seen Rodrick talk his way out of a lot of stuff, but this time, I wasn't about to let him off the hook so easily.

"Oh, come on!" I said, jumping into the conversation. "You say that word all the time when you're practicing with your band! Manny probably heard you first, and then I stubbed my toe and said it, and now Manny won't stop repeating it!"

Rodrick shot me a dirty look, like I had totally betrayed him, which, yeah, I kind of did, but I wasn't about to take all the blame for this mess.

Mom looked back and forth between us like she wasn't sure who to believe, but in the end, she decided to go with her default mode of blaming everyone.

"That's it," Mom said, throwing up her hands. "I've had enough of this nonsense. No TV for a week, for both of you!"

Rodrick groaned again, but I knew better than to argue. When Mom makes up her mind, there's no changing it. So now I'm stuck without TV for a whole week because Manny heard a word he wasn't supposed to and decided to repeat it about 500 times.

But honestly, the worst part is that Manny's still running around the house saying the word over and over, and now nobody can get him to stop.

Tuesday

So apparently, the bad word Manny heard is still a big deal, because today at breakfast, Mom sat him down and tried to teach him a new word to replace it. She went with "pickle."

Now every time Manny's about to say the bad word, he stops himself and says "pickle" instead. It's not perfect, but at least we're not getting in trouble anymore.

But now I can't stop thinking about how much better life would be if Rodrick had to say "pickle" every time he wanted to curse.