I received a Christmas card from Alex! I wasn't expecting one this year, since we've only just started making tentative inroads at reconciliation. David was right, I just needed to show that I've become a better person since our fall out. It was hard, because I just wanted to keep offering her my heart, to let her do with it as she wanted, but I had self-restraint, and waited for her timetable. This, and the fact that Alan is allowing me more time with the children over the holiday, has proven to me that I am more than capable of rebuilding my life from the ashes of my addiction. I've been a year sober now, and I cannot wait to mark year two and beyond. Perhaps, in this coming year, Alex and I can be friends once more, and I can introduce her to my children. I think that she'd love my Tabby girl, because of all the children, she's most like me. Maybe that's the wish I'll make at midnight on New Year's Eve, as David kisses me into the new year.
The hope that floated from her mother's words as Tabitha finished the penultimate diary made her burst into tears, and she sighed as she closed the volume and held it tightly to her chest as she sobbed. It was so unfair that the future her mother had envisioned had been ripped from her hands by that bastard John Curtis. It took her so long to get control over her emotions this time, since the cruelty of the universe pierced her to the marrow. Finally, when she found no more tears spill from her eyes, Tabitha dried her face and climbed out of bed, still clutching the diary to her chest as she made her way down to her father's study.
He was bent over the desk, writing something on a legal pad, and Tabitha cleared her throat to get his attention as she took a seat on the sofa, bringing her legs beneath her as she waited for him. "Yes, princess?" he asked as he set his pen aside and looked up at her over his glasses.
"I've just finished the last diary of the set you've given me, Daddy. Can, can I have the 2013 volume now?"
Her father let out a quiet sigh before pushing away from the desk and heading over to her side, taking a seat beside her before reaching out and patting her knee. Tabitha nodded a little as she adjusted her body, leaning against him as she rested her head on his shoulder. "You do realise that there's no more to come, right?"
She nodded a little before starting to cry again. The reality of the final volume hit her in that moment, as she heard those words drop from her father's mouth. "I do, Daddy. I know, I probably should have taken my time with these, but I just couldn't stop myself. It's like she was right beside me as I read them, I could hear her voice in my ear, speaking the words she wrote. Every inch of her was taken from me when that bastard murdered her!"
"You give him too much power when you allow yourself to be so angry, Tabitha."
"Fuck that, Daddy! I will probably always be angry at what happened. I know, it's not healthy, that I should forgive and move forward, but she wrote about how excited she was to reconnect with Alex, and to have more time with us. She should have been here to see us graduate. She should have been able to introduce me to her Lexie. And he just destroyed that! Dave never really gave us a concrete answer as to his motives, just that it was delayed revenge. And I just want to have her hug me one more time. I want to tell her that I love her, and hear her say that to me. I just miss her so much, Daddy!"
Tabitha began to sob again, burrowing in close to his chest as she cried. She welcomed the warm feel of his arms around her, cradling her as he rocked them back and forth. Through the fog of her sorrow, she could feel her father's shoulders shake with his own tears. "I know you miss her, princess, and I do, too. I wish that she had lived to help you and Karen select your wedding dresses, that she was here to see her grandchildren. But we can't change the past, we can only shape our future."
She nodded and rubbed her cheek against his shirt. "I know. And maybe one day, I can start to move forward from my grief. Please, may I have the last diary now? I want to read about the end of her life. I want to relish the last bits of her happiness."
"Okay, Tabby." He pressed a soft kiss to her head before dislodging her and getting off the sofa, heading over to his desk and pulling open the top drawer. Her father took out the final diary along with a small picture frame and brought them back to the sofa. "Dave gave me a copy of that picture at your mother's wake. I think that you should have it now, since you're at the end of your mother's life."
Tabitha nodded as she took both items from his hands. The diary called to her, but her curiosity to see the picture won out, and she turned over the frame to look at what moment in time had been captured. To her surprise, it was a candid shot of her mother and another woman, arms around each other's waists as they looked up into their faces, bright smiles shining there. "Is that…?"
"Alex? Yes."
"She never lost her love for the woman, did she?" Tabitha whispered as she ran her finger over her mother's face.
"No, but I also don't think that she recognized the depth of that love. Because she was so thoroughly besotted with Dave, and she would never act on that love when Alex was still so happy with James. But that love was always in her heart. Keep that picture, I think that you'll find it a comfort in the days to come."
She nodded as she hugged the objects close to her heart before leaning over and kissing her father's cheek. "Thank you, Daddy. This is probably the best gift I've received. And I can read the best bits over and over, committing them to heart."
He nodded as they stood up, and she smiled through a fresh mist of tears before hurrying back to her bedroom. After setting up the picture frame on her nightstand, she settled in her bed, adding the 2012 diary to the top of the stack before picking up 2013 and staring at the embossed name of her mother in the corner. This would be the last first time she opened the diaries, and she didn't know if she was ready to read the last five months of her mother's life.
Taking a deep breath, she opened the cover and smiled to see her mother's elegant script inscribing the volume as hers. The first few entries talked about her hopes for the coming year, and how things between her and Alpha had steadily improved, how her mother had assumed that part of that was Dave's doing, since he was good at smoothing the waters, even as he ruffled her feathers.
It's the day after Valentine's, and David asked me to marry him last night. I said yes, of course, because I love him. It was just bittersweet, because a small sliver of my heart is still foolishly holding on to the hope that there might be a way that Lexie and I could be together once more. I know how much she loves James, that she would never leave him for me, despite the longings of my heart. But there are times when I catch her looking at me, and I see remnants of our first love. And then my heart aches to be in her arms, to kiss her until the wee hours of the night before falling asleep with her lips against mine, her arms around me, our hearts communing and becoming entwined once more. David would give me the most lecherous look if he knew these inner secrets, because his mind is so focused on what he thinks of as naughty, but I have the feeling that he would understand. He understood the depths of my feelings, back in the day. So, I said yes, and I am bound and determined to give him all the love that I can, because he deserves that in his life. And I do love him, just differently than I love my Lexie. Even if we're just friends, I will still have this love for her.
Tabitha chuckled through her tears, placing a bookmark on that page, knowing that she didn't want to read any more that morning, since it was going to make her too sad. It was a glorious summer day, after all, and she was going to spend it out in nature, thinking about her mother and all the happy days that she would live for, in her memory. It was the least she could do, after reading the hope in her mother's words. It was the least she could do, if she couldn't have her mother in her life any longer.