Alice couldn't shake a feeling of outrage. What was she doing? What was she doing with her life?
Answer was rather simple - She was repeating same old mistakes. Her life was her's to live, not anyone's else. She knew it, she embraced it a day when she became an Underland's champion and slayed a beast.
Then why? Why was she backing down? Why was she quiet when she was supposed to shout? Where was her muncheness or whatever she gained in the past. Where was her bravery? Dreams?
So many questions and so few answers. Her entire being changed so much, only for her to change back. She hasn't thought much about it lately. Until today.
No, that wasn't true. Every night was a same for her. Countless hours filled with self hatred and questions. Sea's plain blue and boring waves didn't help at all. Her boat Wonder wasn't so wonderful anymore. Contrary it was key to her unhappiness and boredom.
Of course it hasn't been like this since the beginning. Therefore she didn't consider coming back to Underland. Not that she didn't plan on returning, it just didn't cross her mind back then.
Five years on the sea have done its thing. It filled her veins with thirst for adventures, a feeling she didn't have since her childhood. Her curious nature took hold of her mind and body, whispering promises of bigger things.
And it wasn't a lie, she experienced wonderful things while discovering China and so many other countries. She made deals with foreigners of all kinds, her crew became her safe place and everything just felt so right.
Until now. Everything felt a same in England, not that she expected a sudden change of society but still. She was nationally known captain, she deserved some form of respect. Or at least recognition of her work and travels.
How stupid of her.
They treated her exactly same like a five years ago. No change. For them she was just rebellious girl whose only purpose was simply being a housewife and mother. Just inferior to all men and their society.
How stupid.
She did so many things, so many adventures and people still treated her as some kind of weird oddity. She hoped to prove herself and become an inspiration to all women across the world.
And to be honest she perhaps really became, just no one really acknowledged her.
Questions remained. Just a different kind. Kind, she did not like or even truly believe in them.
Why was she stuck in the place without an escape? Of course, she could come back to Underland but she wasn't weakling. She lived through so much, even a stab wounds. She lived through a storms of Pacific Ocean and through a cultural differences. She survived a bite of the poisonous snake, even anaconda itself.
So why was she feeling down about people's words and their judgment? Society was plain and serious, they stuck to old ways, not realizing that revolution has begun. She wanted to bring hope and light, live her life and not only survive on bare minimum.
Alice's dreams were that. Dreams. Reality was different. What has she done so bad? She believed in her thing and went after it. She made her path and finally fulfilled her father's dreams about sailing abroad and creating a new business roads there.
Then why couldn't they just leave her alone? Did she really wish for too much? They could talk behind her back, they could judge her and mock her to their heart's content. Just not personally. Not right into her face with a fake smile and even faker tone of voice.
It took everything in her to not snap. Not to scream and punch everything and everyone in her way. It was her will power and her own affinity to remain sane and nonviolent.
…
Alice was feeling rather down. At home. At sea. Nothing could bring an old spark back. It got so bad that madness was slowly but surely taking a hold of her. Not the funny one, like Hatter usually displayed. This one felt darker, more primal and uncontrollable.
Her mental health was suffering and her eyes shone…as White Queen's sometimes. It was a little unsettling. She didn't understand why her blue, light eyes could shine so darkly as Mirana's chocolate ones.
Alice didn't know what to make out of that. She just saw it, felt it and didn't know what to do. Every time she saw her own reflection staring at her from the mirror, she saw Mirana's eyes, not her's. It was such a weird experience. And it just haunted her more and more, a madness, violence- everything Mirana wasn't. At least she thought so, she couldn't be sure anymore. Perhaps Mirana was all of these things under her polite and kind exterior.
Her thoughts didn't make any sense. They were too quick and unfocused. As quickly they appeared, they vanished too. She was slowly losing herself once again. Once again.
It needed to be changed. Change of everything, her mindset, her life priorities - even a very world around her. A time has come, to take her life back. She was more than this. When she wanted, she would make it her reality. No matter the cost. No matter the outcome. No matter what.
Alice just needed a plan, a well thought one and a lot of muncheness. She would return, just as she promised a day she became a champion and then a captain.
She just had to take care of some things and most importantly her family and Wonder.
She wouldn't forgive herself if her recklessness hurt her loved ones. If she wasn't mad now, she would definitely fall deep down this hole.
No one.
Hurt.
Her.
Family.
Not.
Even.
Her.