I'm Like a Lawyer With the Way I'm Always Trying to Get You Off

To say Charles Bingley woke up with a start would be a bit of an understatement. The peace and serenity of his swanky hotel suite was interrupted when his cell phone rang very loudly and very unexpectedly at five a.m. Tokyo time.

The fact it was a ringtone of Sexyback that caused him to fall out of bed would be a secret he would take to his grave.

The high and panicky voice of his usually calm and collected best friend on the other end of the line was enough to convince Bingley that his Sakai filled vacation needed to be cut short and within forty five minutes his bags were packed and he was on a red eye back to Los Angeles. Of course his unbelievably good character dictated he leave a note of apology at the hotel's front desk for his sisters and a substantial tip for housekeeping.

By 10:30 a.m. Thursday morning he was back in the States and exiting a cab in front of Pemberley Publishing.

With his bright, red hair standing on end, chin covered in stubble, and bags under his eyes, Bingley wasn't exactly the poster child for super sexy man beasts at this moment, yet when they collided around a corner (important looking papers flying everywhere), Jane Bennet thought she'd never had the privilege of nearly being killed by a more handsome man.

"Oh god! I'm so sorry!"

"No, it was completely my fault! You'd think this was my first day walking…"

"No, I should've been paying attention to where I was going…"

It was an apology fest on the twenty-eighth floor of the Pemberley building as two of the nicest people one could ever hope to meet were busy falling all over themselves. Jane worked quickly to help gather Bingley's papers, while Bingley worked just as quickly to snatch them up before she could (after all, she didn't have to help – it was completely his fault).

Smiling sheepishly, Jane shoved the remainder of the documents into his hands. "They really shouldn't let me out in public," she chuckled.

Bingley laughed – a little too loudly and complete with a snort.

Obviously, Jane had never had the privilege of nearly being killed by a more "smooth" man, either.

"You're a total danger to society," he told her while attempting to stuff said papers back into their manila folder. Normally, this task would have taken a grand total of two seconds, but the beautiful woman standing before him with the wisps of golden hair falling over her eyes and the gigantic knot forming on her head was making it impossible to concentrate.

"Oh shit." Bingley's eyes widened. "I'm such a clumsy bastard," he said reaching out to touch it.

Jane gasped in pain. "Could you not do that."

"Oh, god – yeah, sorry." He blushed.

Aspirin and (more) apologies were exchanged before the pair finally went their separate ways.

And as he walked the rest of the way towards the oak double doors of Darcy's office –making sure to be careful of any and all human traffic, Charles Bingley suddenly felt incredibly happy to be home.

"How was Japan?"

Upon entering Darcy's office, Bingley's good mood was promptly taken out back and shot. Just the general atmosphere in the place was enough to suck the happy right out of Kelly Ripa; it would've made Katie Couric slit her wrists and Rachel Ray step into traffic.

There was Darcy, his best friend in the whole world, beating his head against the window pane. Darcy – who always appeared to be a pillar of strength looking hopeless and dejected, and worst of all lost.

It was enough to shit on a fellow's parade.

"Japan was good. You know, lots of…Japanese people," Bingley said absently as he closed the distance between he and Darcy. "Will, what's going on?"

"I told you over the phone I need a lawyer," Darcy replied without bothering to face him.

Bingley nodded. "Yeah, but you have plenty of lawyers right here in sunny LA available at your fingertips unless you just wanted to be a cock and ruin my vacation." He chuckled in an attempt to bring some sort of levity to the room.

"While I never pass up the opportunity to be a cock, I actually need your help." Darcy's features were deathly serious as he finally turned to face his friend. "What I'm going to ask of you, Charlie, requires – well, I don't think discretion could even come close to being a strong enough word," Darcy sighed heavily. "More than anything, I need a friend."

Bingley gazed at him with concern. "Okay, I'm officially worried."

There was a sardonic smile and a grand sweeping gesture as the sentence "I'm gonna be a dad" rolled off of Darcy's tongue and Bingley wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry or both.

"Congratulations," he offered cautiously and ran a hand through his wild hair. "Why didn't you tell me you were seeing anyone?"

"I'm not," Darcy said quickly. "I mean – I wasn't technically seeing her. It was one night and the details are a little fuzzy, but we were together…"

"Oh for fucks sake, Will," Bingley sighed.

"If you're going to judge me, Charlie, save your breath, okay."

Bingley shook his head. "I wasn't going to judge – I just didn't think you capable of something so irresponsible."

Darcy shrugged. "We all have layers," he snickered.

"And you need me to…?" Bingley began as the office doors opened and that beautiful woman with the wisps of blonde hair in her eyes and the gigantic knot on her forehead strolled inside.

"Mr. Darcy has your lawyer arrived yet? I'd like to get started – oh, hello." Jane stopped in her tracks at the sight of Bingley and suddenly her professional demeanor gave way to a bright smile with the hint of a school girl blush.

"Ms. Bennet, this is my lawyer Charles Bingley; Charles this is Ms. Jane Bennet the lawyer for and sister of the woman in question," Darcy rattled off while turning back to face the window.

Bingley smiled just as brightly. "We've met."

Twenty-Month Agreement

A summation of the terms presented in this contract is as follows:

- By signing this document, party (a) (Fitzwilliam Darcy) and party (b) (Elizabeth Bennet) hereby agree to wed and remain so for a period of twenty months.

-During these twenty months neither party (a) nor party (b) are allowed to stray from their wedding vows. All appearances of being a couple must be kept up in public. Any act committed by party (a) or party (b) that breaks this clause will result in the proper special clause being enforced (see page 32 of this document).

-During these twenty months party (a) and party (b) will share a residence (of their choosing). Both parties are entitled to separate bedrooms. Neither party is entitled to consummating the marriage (unless the other party consents).

-At the twenty-month mark the marriage will be dissolved citing irreconcilable differences.

-Party (b) may not profit by disclosing the terms of this agreement to the press. Any and all attempts will result in the denial of this document's existence and a lawsuit for slander.

-Upon the birth of the child, a DNA test will be ordered.

-Depending on outcome of DNA analysis:

college tuition will be set aside for the child (party c) as well as a trust fund that will not be accessible until he/she reaches their twenty-first birthday.

-Party (c) will take on party (a)'s last name.

-Custody of party (c) will be shared.

Darcy scrawled his name across the last page on the document and shoved the pen into Lizzie's right hand.

And with slight hesitation and a heavy sigh, she signed her life away.