Author's Note: It's been a while hasn't it? Well, I wanted to have all of the final chapters written and posted last month, but it didn't work out that way. Working retail during the holidays pretty much killed my free time, but now I'm back to my regular hours so I'm intending on finishing this up as quick as I can (I'm gonna try to keep up this posting two chapters at once thing til the end). I adore you guys; thanks for sticking it out with me. I hope you enjoy this two-for-one update.
Previously on 'As the Darcys Turn': Easter at Lady Catherine's was like celebrating Christ's resurrection in the seventh circle of hell. Eva showed up possibly pregnant by Darcy, little Owen Marcus made his debut two months early, Wickham wants half a million out of his former bestie or else he's going to squeal to the press, Lizzie's moving out, and Darcy's resolved to deal with all of this shit by not drinking and giving her time (as per the advice of the best father-in-law ever).
Memories sufficiently jogged? Cool, let us do the damn thing.
Dance, Little Liar
(an interlude)
They'd met under the most clichéd set of shady-deals circumstances; Danny had gone out of his way to pick an alley in Santa Monica that fit all of the criteria of some Bogart noir – sparse lighting, feral cats, and overflowing dumpsters – and though it was an unseasonably chilly April day, his peacoat with its upturned collar in addition to being a tad too heavy for the California weather, gave off definite 'try-hard' fumes.
He casually leaned against the grimy brick wall and in the low-wattage of the street lamp Wickham could make out the sour expression on the approaching Darcy's face.
A brown, leather briefcase was hoisted into his waiting arms and Danny regarded his unhappy companion with a quizzical brow. "What, no hello? How're ya? Just getting straight to business? Manners, Fitzwilliam, manners," he chided sarcastically.
"It's all there, but you can count it if you want," Darcy gruffly responded.
"I intend to," Danny told him with a perfunctory nod. "You know, I don't like leaving things this way, Fitzie – all of this animosity between us…"
"Then perhaps you shouldn't have slept with my fiancé and then extorted half a million out of me."
Wickham grinned. "Well, I can't argue with that. But, give it a few years and we'll be laughing over this, I'm sure." He placed a friendly hand on Fitzwilliam's shoulder and told him with all the sincerity of a snake, "Take care, and give Lizzie a kiss for me."
Darcy remained standing in the sort of muck John Varvatos oxfords were never meant to see as Danny gleefully made his way out of the alley. It wasn't until the flashing lights and the burps of police cruiser sirens filled the entrance that he allowed the dour mask he'd been wearing slip from his countenance.
Fitzwilliam smiled and knew that the donation he would make to the LAPD was going to be worth every penny.
**
SHOULD'VE JUST PUT IN AN APPLICATION AT BURGER KING
Friend of the Darcy family caught in a shocking extortion attempt.
In today's "ungrateful bastard" news, word is former E! employee and current asshole, Daniel Wickham tried to payback the family that had the nerve to take him in and shove hot meals and an excellent education down his throat, by extorting $500,000.
Stealing from the Darcys is like taking a twenty from your memaw's purse – it's not gonna do anything but make that Big Mac Value Meal you just bought taste like shame and regret.
Anyway, Mr. Wickham is looking at five-to-ten, and with those green eyes and that creamy complexion, I'd say he's gonna need a care package of jumbo-sized anal lube.
While they've had to deal with this shit, the couple's newborn son remains in the hospital. I'm starting the Owen Darcy prayer circle right here. Get better, little one.
Posted by: Michael K
Author's Note: Michael K is the hilarious celeb blogger for the site DListed. I was going to do a formal news article about Wickham's arrest and then I thought it would be more fun to bite his style. I hope I did that sassy asshole justice.