Technicolor

by A.Rose.Love

It had been five years since Sakura Haruno and Sasuke Uchiha's relationship had crumbled at the direction of his father. Five years of spiraling, of isolation, becoming nothing but skin and bone. But when she needs him, he comes to her, and she finds herself wishing things had been different. Or: they messed up their past and hope for a better future.

5. i'm so stupid and empty

Author's Note:

Hello, this is another heavy chapter, I am incredibly excited to share it with you and really want to know your thoughts.

Please note some perhaps triggering things may be present. If noncon/rape situations bother you, skip the second section between the

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or skip the entire chapter.

I hope you enjoy.

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"I'm so stupid and empty
My mind just wasn't in it,
and neither was my heart
and the drive was a lie to myself from the goddamn start…
I don't care about anything as much as I used to.
Except maybe you.
I still feel just about as dumb as I used to."

-Overbite Sincere Engineer

Now.

"Oi, idiot, hurry up," Sasuke was smashing buttons on his controller, nose wrinkled in concentration as he fought an enemy. "We're about to get totally swarmed here, I'm gonna need you to back me up."

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto waved him off, stomach growling as he prowled around the cluttered kitchen. He pulled open the cupboard full of snacks that Sasuke kept there for him and let his blue eyes wonder over the day's offerings.

A variety of instant ramen cups and packs met his gaze, ranging from the traditional pork flavor he loved so much, to a spicy miso based, to a cursed salt and vinegar flavor Sasuke had conned him into getting on a bet. He pulled one out almost at random – making sure to avoid the cursed flavor as this day did not seem to be the day to perhaps encounter a flavor of ramen he didn't like, and he set about preparing it. Ripping open the plastic tab, filling water into a kettle and waiting for it to boil.

Sighing, he ignored Sasuke's further quips, as the other young man was engrossed in the survival game and though he might claim it, he didn't actually need Naruto's help on this level. He pulled another offering from the cupboard, a bag of chips to snack on while the kettle heated. He was mid-crunch, cursing lightly at the immediate mess he made on the counter, and turned to grab the bleach wipes to clean up after himself – a trait his mother had desperately tried to instill in him which didn't quite stick until after her untimely passing when Sasuke took up the mantle – when he noticed an organized fleet of orange pill bottles on the counter beside the wipes.

He dusted his fingers off on his jeans, that was a habit no one could break him of, and reached out to grab one of the bottles.

Blue eyes ran over the labels, noting the familiar information stored there.

Sasuke Uchiha. Major Depressive Disorder. Dr. Shizune Katō.

sertraline.

He grabbed another.

citalopram.

And another.

fluoxetine.

And another

vilazodone.

Naruto frowned and his eyes nearly crossed as he continued shuffling through the medications, anxiety heightening as he went. The -ines, -ones, and -ams started swirling together and he closed his eyes for a moment, cursing his dyslexia.

"Sasuke?" Naruto shifted around the counter so that he could look in on Sasuke in the living room. He was still enthralled in whatever enemy he was now fighting. "Why do you have a bunch of medicines on your counter?"

There was a slight hesitation in Sasuke's reply, the sure movement of his thumbs on the controller froze. Though no other outward change had occurred Naruto nearly felt his best friend's anxiety arc like lightening through the air.

"Oh…" the button mashing resumed. "I set them on the counter so I would remember to take them. I had forgotten to a couple of days last week, and felt kind of weird, so I figured I'd put them near the coffee area."

Naruto bit at the inside of his mouth, watching Sasuke for another heart beat before stepping back to look at the horde of medicine.

"I thought you had weaned off of the Wellbutrin?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Mhm," Naruto separated one of the pill bottles away from the others, a blond brow raised skeptically. "Same with the fluoxetine, right – uh, the Prozac?"

"Yeah, it didn't work for my brain."

"Right, right. I remember. Was that the one that just made you super pissy?"

"No, that was the hydroxyzine. I wasn't pissy I was ready to commit murder. Do you remember when Itachi got back from Europe, and I was on it?" There was a small laugh. "I lost my mind."

Naruto forced a chuckle out of his throat, hoping his friend was still too engrossed in the game to pay his responses much mind. "The water is almost done; do you want tea or anything?"

"Nah."

"Cool, cool." Naruto carefully separated a few more of the pill bottles based off of the extensive conversations both young men had had over the course of Sasuke's medication journey. "Yanno, I don't remember, what are you actually taking regularly now?"

"Uh, the v one, I always forget the nam – "

"Vilazodone?"

"That's it. That with the fluoxetine, for depression. Buspirone for anxiety. Trazodone to sleep. Why?" There was a soft click as the video game controller was set down onto the coffee table and shuffling footsteps as Sasuke padded closer.

"You said you put them out here to remember them," Naruto motioned towards the pile. "Half – over half, of these you literally don't take any more. Dude, there's even the muscle relaxer for that time you broke your arm. Why are they all out here?"

"…" Sasuke crossed his arms and leaned his hips against the counter that separated him from the rest of the kitchenette. "I just –"

"Sasuke were you…" Naruto bit on the inside of his mouth until he could taste blood, blue eyes finally noticing the bottle of absinthe that flanked the meds. He reached out and gripped the neck of the bottle with now trembling hands. "Please tell me you weren't g–"

"I wasn't," Sasuke said quickly, slinking into the room and pulling the alcohol out of his friend's hands. "I wasn't," he repeated.

Naruto wasn't listening. His ocean blue eyes were wide and glassy, and Sasuke felt his heart beat pang uncomfortably in his chest.

"Was it because of Sakura? Did she say something, I don–"

"No." Sasuke replied emphatically. "Sakura didn't do anything."

"Then did something happen? I don't understand, you've been doing so well, did – did I miss something?"

Naruto picked the bottles up again, blue eyes running over the technical names and quickly skimming the brief warning on the labels.

Sasuke swallowed, placing the glass bottle of alcohol onto the countertop opposite of Naruto. "Can't you just accept that I said I put them out so I remember to take them?" he asked weakly, a hand pushing through his knotted hair.

Naruto shook his head, blond brows knitting and mouth tilting into a frown. "You know I can't accept that. Not after I found you with a pile of medicine just like this after you turned eighteen." Naruto's hands folded into feeble fists. "You're supposed to call me. You used to call me if you felt like shit. Did I do something?"

"No, you didn't do anything."

"Then why didn't you call me? This," Naruto pointed at the horde of medicine. "Is too reminiscent, it's too on point for you. What happened?"

"Naruto–"

"No, don't fucking start like that, don't talk down to me." Damp blue eyes narrowed into a glare. "I'm not an Uchiha, I'm not asking so that I can call you a weak piece of shit. I'm asking you as a friend, as your best friend. As your fucking brother, what happened?"

Sasuke's jaw snapped shut and he met his friend's angry gaze head on. "It shouldn't concern you."

"Are you fucking serious? Am I that useless t–"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. Jesus Christ, Naruto, you have a fucking girlfriend, you guys are moving in together now, you have a goddamn life! It shouldn't concern you because I'm a worthless piece of shit and it's my own goddamn fault I'm like this, and that's not on you!" Sasuke was seething, air angrily rushing in and out of his lungs. His face was warm. "You deserve to not have to worry whether or not I'm dead. Hinata shouldn't have to worry about you having to leave her in the middle of the night to come make sure I'm still breathing."

"I haven't done that in years." Naruto retorted; arms suddenly crossed. "Besides, she understands."

"How could she? Does she have a fucked-up friend she needs to physically go check up on to make sure they're not randomly dead at their own hand? I doubt anyone would understand that."

"That's not the part she understands," Naruto snapped before heaving a sigh, tan fingers rubbing into his temples. "Her mom – she – Hinata was going to have little sibling too, a baby brother. And then… she wasn't."

"Did her mom –"

"No, her mom aborted. But she understands that need to protect a sibling that you couldn't protect. And she knows that you have been that sibling for me. Ever since mom and Asa–" he choked, gritting his teeth, before releasing a trembling breath. "Ever since mom and Asahi didn't make it home from the birth, you have been my little brother. Hinata understands."

Sasuke was silent. He didn't point out that he was actually older than Naruto, nor the fact that Naruto needed someone to look out for him the way he looked out for everyone else. He simply stood and waited as Naruto let whatever emotions pass over him.

"You're an idiot." Naruto finally said, wiping at his eyes with large hands. "I know you don't want to be a burden, but you're not one. I'd worry a lot less if you just reached out. The fundamental fear that you're fucking dead doesn't just leave you know, not after finding you unconscious that day."

Sasuke's neck warmed with shame, and the only thing he could offer was an apology. It felt weak, and useless, a sentiment too frail to express his appreciation for Naruto.

"Just tell me what happened."

Sasuke hesitated, not quite sure how to untangle the mess that was his brain. The moaning voicemail from Ino, the utter hopelessness that broke over him, the heavy reminder that he was once again not enough for someone who had lied and told him that he was all she needed. He was tired, always fucking tired.

His hands folded into his eye sockets, kneading in a painful but comforting manner, and he pulled out his phone.

He silently pulled up the cursed voicemail, the cut red thread, and dropped the object in Naruto's hands, nodding for him to press play when his blond brows furrowed. Meanwhile, the kettle whistled, and he poured the boiling water into the instant ramen cup and sealing it back up before pulling down a ceramic mug and adding the hot water to it too.

Naruto watched him, eyes squinting as he discerned the noises coming from the voicemail, then widening when Ino's gasps for someone named Sai flooded through the device.

"W-was that – what the fuck was that?" the blond asked.

Sasuke shrugged, and taking a deep breath, opened one of the pill bottles and dumped its contents into the steaming cup. The little yellow pills started to dissolve immediately. And when they were almost completely gone, he opened another and dumped it in too.

"It was the end." Sasuke said evenly, patiently waiting for the pills to dissolve before adding more.

Naruto watched him skeptically, though he didn't attempt to stop Sasuke's actions nor ask him what he was doing. More of the bottles emptied as silence yawned between them.

The blond bit the inside of his cheek. "Did she say why?"

Sasuke swirled the mug of dissolved pills, head tilted to the side, glancing at his best friend, and said blankly "That she might be in love with him."

Air rushed out of Naruto's lungs and his hands clenched at his sides.

Sasuke nodded absently and added the final bottle's contents. He gestured to the pill bottles still left. "Check me to make sure I didn't miss something. There should only be four left."

Naruto relaxed his hands, pulling the remaining objects and inspecting them. Indeed, there were only four left, the four Sasuke was actually taking. He nodded.

"Okay," Sasuke said, picking up the mug and pivoting the two footsteps to the small sink. He hesitated a moment, but before he could have any further chance to second guess himself, he dumped the liquified contents into the drain, and ran the warm water for good measure.

"Now," he said evenly, rinsing the chalky remnants from the cup's walls and the base of the sink. "Now only the medicines I actually take live on the counter." He pulled the small garbage can out from under the sink and dropped the empty bottles into it. They rattled as he tucked it away again, washed his hands, and crossed his arms, leaning back against the counter to look at his friend.

"Are we good?"

Naruto wiped at his eyes again as he choked out a small yes, and before Sasuke could stop him, tan arms wrapped around his shoulders.

He wasn't necessarily opposed to hugging Naruto, they were as close as they could be without being blood related or romantically involved, so his best friend's warm body pressing into him, sobbing with both sadness and relief felt more like support and love than any kind of burden. But the way Naruto freely shared his emotions and physical affection – the way his whole family had always shown their emotions and physical affection – was not something Sasuke ever truly took to. The stoic and quietly withdrawn mannerisms of his own family were ingrained deeply in him, almost any physical contact made him uncomfortable.

But today, maybe, felt like the start to something new. Maybe some of his demons drained away with the dissolved medicine. And so, Sasuke returned the hug, and felt tears prick at his own eyes as he buried his face into the warm crook of Naruto's neck.

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Bright green eyes swung around the packed bar, pupils dilating in the darkness as lights flashed now and again around her. The Shit Pistols were on stage, Karin was singing and thrashing the bass guitar while Jugo pounded on the drums set up behind her, and Suigetsu's hands flared along the keyboard to their right. They sounded good, and Sakura was almost glad Karin had called her earlier to let her know they were playing in Suna, nearly on the border with Konoha, and invite her to come out.

On the phone, Karin had said Suigetsu had been in a whole mood since they left for their tour and swore up and down that it was because he missed Sakura. She had scoffed initially at the insinuation. Because Suigetsu didn't miss her, he used anything to excuse his notoriously bad behavior, and Sakura was often the easiest scapegoat for him to use, and Sakura was fucking tired of it.

But Karin fervently reiterated that it was because he missed her, that he had said so to her and Jugo more than once in the near three weeks they'd been gone, and Sakura found herself wondering if Suigetsu really did miss her. Karin was trustworthy, for the most part, an odd friend Sakura had collected as her time in community college continued, so maybe what the redhead told her was true. Maybe Suigetsu did miss her. Maybe all he really needed was the short distance between them to remind him that he actually gave a shit about her.

And because Sakura was alone, facing a big empty house, with too many rooms and dark corners, she thought about it. Because she was stupid, a little hopeful, and utterly idiotic, she decided to go and see if Karin was right about this.

What Sakura didn't admit to, was that she was worried that Suigetsu would unleash his violence on the redhead if left unchecked for too long. He tended to leave bruises the color of his eyes on the skin of those too close to him, especially when he was even mildly irritated. And she worried his volatility would lead to the disillusionment of the band before they really got started.

And neither Karin nor Jugo deserved that.

So, Sakura found herself nearly two hours away from her parent's house, late in the evening, hoping to quell whatever anger Suigetsu carried and secretly wondering if Karin was right about him missing her.

Karin was mid shriek, voice flowing raw and untrained in a way that highlighted the odd mix of punk and retro techno they had as their sound. Sakura was smiling up at the group, hips swaying as they played, when Suigetsu noticed her. A white brow lifted, and quickly he dipped his head shyly, looking back at the keys beneath his fingers, before looking up at her and flashing a large, toothy grin. Something small and warm bloomed in her chest every time Sui sent her that look as the set continued. His lavender eyes would settle on her, making her feel like he saw right through her even from his position on the stage, and had her believing Karin had been right.

Because he hadn't looked at her like that in months.

She was sipping on her second pineapple drink, the grenadine too sweet on her tongue, alcohol already settling into her empty stomach, when the set ended. She made her way towards the side of the stage, where the not yet famous musicians could come down and mingle with the crowd, and waited for them.

Karin emerged first, squealing when her carmine eyes settled on her pink haired friend, and threw her damp arms around Sakura.

"You made it!" she shouted, lifting Sakura's small form into the air and giving her a light twirl. "I'm so happy, what did you think?"

Sakura laughed and smiled, careful to hold her drink away from the redhead to avoid any spilling. "You did amazing, you've improved so much! They were eating out of your hands."

Karin smiled and opened her mouth, but before she could utter a word back, Sui pushed past her, earning a red eyed glare, and wrapped Sakura into a hug.

His skin was glistening with sweat, Sakura still didn't know how he got so sweaty from just standing and jabbing the keyboard, but she had learned to stop asking him about it years ago. He smelled like stale beer and old marijuana and sweat, and Sakura tried not to wrinkle her nose.

"Come with me," he murmured into her ear, breath tickling against her hair, and she handed Karin the remnants of her drink and waved to Jugo as Sui took her hand and led her away from the group with a soft but firm hand.

They tucked back a few hallways, but no one stopped them because Sui was one of the Shit Pistols and the Shit Pistols were up and comers on the scene. It was darker back here, and cooler without the packed body heat of the bar's patrons.

"Sakura," the way he said her name made her shiver, and she felt like smiling. He hadn't said her name in months, it was always Pinkie or Blossom, which weren't inaccurate nicknames, but she preferred the name she had been given at birth. He opened the door to a single bathroom, and almost tossed her inside.

She stumbled a bit but giggled. Sui could be rough sometimes, but this felt playful, this felt normal. And she smiled when she turned to look at him. He twisted the lock and flicked the lights on, almost medical in their stark white light, and they washed out his skin and hair, until he looked almost like shimmering water housing purple eyes.

Sakura shook her head. She really should stop drinking on an empty stomach, it made things weird.

"What are you doing here?" he asked evenly, and she missed the fleeting downward tip of his lips as he asked.

isn't it obvious? She thought, and her smile broadened.

"I came to see you," she said, almost shyly, chin dipping down towards her chest. "Karin said that–"

"Oh," something dark flickered behind his purple eyes. "Karin said something, did she? Sakura," he took a step towards her and though she didn't feel scared, her body automatically took a step away from him. "How am I supposed to succeed in this career if you're always lurking in the background?"

"I'm not lurk–"

"You're waiting for me to fail," he cut her off simply. Sakura's pink brows furrowed with confusion.

"I'm not –"

He closed the small distance between them in a single step, backing her up until her hips hit the countertop, his hand coming up and covering her mouth. She felt her eyes widen, sparks suddenly flaring to life in her muddy brain.

this isn't playful.

"Don't lie to me," he hissed, his face twisted into a sneer, nose wrinkling and lips peeling back. "You're expecting me to fail so that I come whimpering and pathetic back to you for comfort." He tsked at her, hand gripping her cheeks harder when he felt her jaw shift to argue with him. "It's almost disgusting how needy you are, Sakura. It's pathic, really."

He dropped his hand from her mouth, but she didn't dare speak. They had done this too many times for her to even think about talking back to him. Her jaw clenched, hands folding into loose fists at her side, and she tried to remind herself to breath evenly.

"What am I going to do with you?" he asked, a mocking tone hung heavy in his words, but beneath it rested a twisted sincerity that Sakura didn't know what to do with.

"Turn around." He commanded.

Sakura's pulse jumped, anxiety spiking as her blood immediately rushed in her ears. "Suigetsu, I promise, I just wanted to come support you, I don–"

"Don't make me repeat myself." His voice took on a harsh edge, and she swallowed.

It was too late.

Her teeth ground together as she did as he directed, fingers curled into tight fists. One of his hands harshly grabbed the back of her neck, twisting her so that her chest was pressed painfully into the hard plastic of the counter housing the sink. His other hand, ever impatient and ever angry, roughly pushed up the edges of her thin dress and yanked down on her underwear hard enough that she heard the fabric rip.

A sob lodged into her throat, but she held it in, crying only ever made it worse. She could feel the soft cotton of her ruined panties as they fell down her thighs, catching on the twist of her knee, and hung useless in the air. His hand was still digging into the nape of her neck forcing her to look at the dirty counter. She heard him spit behind her and nearly cried out when the poorly wetted head of his penis pushed into her. Suigetsu drove his hips forward, forcing himself through the dryness into the deepest part of her he could reach. She was wedged under his hand against the counter but angled now so that her face was nearly pressed against the smudged glass of the mirror. She could see him clearly behind her, frowning and glaring down at her, that same dark look twisting along his features, and Sakura quickly closed her eyes.

"Needy little whore," he huffed behind her, fingers bruising into her hip as he pulled himself out of her. "You're always leaving me to do all the heavy lifting."

He thrusted into her again, and pain shredded outwards from her core. Green eyes blew open, toes curled in shock as air stuck in her lungs, and she wondered if he cleaved her in two. But another jerk of his hips told her that her body was still holding together, and finally her body released some amount of moisture. She couldn't tell if it was blood or forced arousal, but both options felt like betrayal instead of relief.

Her face glazed over and blanked, mind retreating as Suigetsu settled into some kind of pace behind her. She felt him grinding against her, he gave up his hold on her neck and instead held onto the small of her waist, driving her forward until her face pressed into the mirror. There was snarling, and another intense flash of pain when he pinched her clit hard enough that her knees jerked.

She didn't know if it was another thirty seconds, or thirty minutes that passed before he emptied himself inside of her. He was pressed against her back, panting, almost heaving on top of her, skin covered in a new layer of sweat.

"The next time Karin says anything to you about coming to support the shows, you ask me, you got it?"

"Yea," she breathed.

"So, stop lurking like a fucking creep, Pinkie." He pulled his jeans up over his hips, tucking his flaccid penis back inside as he frowned at her. Quickly, his hand flashed forward and tweaked her clit painfully once more, though with all the shaking and trembling her body barely responded to it. Seemingly satisfied with whatever power he felt he exerted over her, he stepped back. "You're absolutely disgusting, you're going to want to clean up. I'll let you know when we get to the next venue."

Without pulling her dress back down to cover her exposed form, he turned on his heel, unlocked the door, and threw it open. And before she could stop him, decide if she wanted to stop him, ask him why he did this, he was gone.

She stayed like that, bent over the counter, dress hiked around her waist, shivering and shaking, for an unknown amount of time. She bit back a sob, and she couldn't bring herself to get up. Her spine was twisted unpleasantly, ribcage aching from how forcefully Suigetsu pressed her into the hard plastic without any kind of cushioning. Something was dripping down her thighs, warm and wet, leaving a trail, and she choked on a sob. She didn't know if it was blood or come that was falling from her, but both nauseated her.

The door to the bathroom opened and a small feminine gasp filled the space.

"Sakura?"

Blank green eyes looked into the mirror and at the reflection of her redheaded friend. There was obvious fear and anger on her sharp features and the woman frowned.

"Shit, Sakura," Karin took a step forward before biting her mouth and shifting. Her torso twisted and the door was locked again. Privacy secured, Karin walked closer, grabbing a handful of toilet paper and setting to work carefully wiping off Sakura's thighs.

"Are you okay?" Karin asked softly.

Sakura didn't answer. She took a shaky breath.

"Am I bleeding?" Sakura asked instead.

Karin didn't respond, except for the deepening of the crease between her red brows. Sakura sighed. No answer was as clear as a yes in this case. They were quiet as Karin worked. Slender hands surprisingly gentle as she cleaned Sakura.

"Did you pee yet?" Sakura shook her head and Karin let out a breath. "It's going to burn like a bitch when you do."

Sakura could only nod weakly, not bothering to note that it always stung when she peed after sex with Suigetsu.

If one called what Suigetsu did to her sex.

"I'm…" Karin tossed the used toilet paper into the toilet. A firm hand gripped Sakura's ankle, lifting one at a time, and pulling off the ruined fabric of her underwear. "I'm sorry… I didn't know he–"

"Don't worry about it."

The look in Karin's carmine eyes indicated that she very much would worry about it, that she already was worried about it. But Sakura couldn't bring herself to care.

The only thing she could think was how fucking stupid she was to come out here, knowing the likelihood of this exact situation occurring. And how fucking pathetic it was that she had actually hoped Suigetsu had missed her.

"I'm going to cut his dick off while he sleeps." Karin whispered vehemently, carefully pulling on Sakura's boney shoulders and coaxing her off of the counter. "He's a fucking piece of shit."

Sakura winced, ribs protesting as she put her weight onto her own feet. She swayed lightly, aching, and gave Karin a fleeting smile. "Thank you," she said earnestly, and shuffled to the toilet to piss and hopefully avoid a UTI.

Karin held her hand, thumb rubbing small circles into Sakura's palm as the pink haired woman grimaced. It did burn.

Sakura flushed, and both women washed their hands before Sakura attempted to smooth out the thin fabric of her dress, intensely self-conscious now that it was the only piece of fabric between her most intimate parts and the world. Karin wound her arms around Sakura's waist, pulling her close, and resting their foreheads together.

"Are you okay?" she asked again in a whisper.

"It's not new," was the only way Sakura could answer.

Karin frowned before pulling back and kissing the center of Sakura's forehead.

"I'm definitely going to chop his dick off while he sleeps," she said, and then wrapped her fingers in between Sakura's. "Let's drink."

Sakura nodded and followed the redhead to the bar.

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Water gathered along her pink lash line as Sakura's blurry eyes roamed over the packed room. Bodies were pressed close together, strobing lights flashed like lightening in the space, piercing into her eye sockets and threatening to sever her brain in two. She bit her lower lip and tried to discern the faces of the bodies closest to her. Sakura's fingers twisted together as her pulse jumped, wincing as the flashes of bright light illuminated strangers around her. The familiar face she was hoping for wasn't there, no spark of wild red hair, no carmine eyes. She felt herself frowning, brows pulling together to meet her hairline, and suddenly she was being suffocated, drowning in people she didn't know, and needed to leave.

She pushed past the people closest to her, hissed when an innocent elbow crushed into her still tender ribs, knocking the air from her lungs. Thin arms folded across her chest, uselessly adjusting the gossamer fabric of her stupid dress as she tucked between shoulders and backs, and she desperately tried to ignore the throbbing pain nestled between her thighs.

A stray foot caused her to stumble, the alcohol in her stomach sloshing dangerously as she caught herself on the back of a man and skittered away before he had the chance to confront her. Everywhere she looked she thought she saw threads hanging from the sky. Thin, spiderweb, gossamer. They were a myriad of colors that dazzled her already pained eyes as she fled the bar. Frantically twisting down hallways, the edges of her mind whispered that if she could just reach out, grab one of the threads fast enough, then it would surely lead her home.

Warmth pressed against the back of her eyes at the thought.

home.

She didn't want to think about that, wherever that was.

She took a trembling breath in, and suddenly found herself outside of the bar, in a dim and dingy alley beside the building. Here the streetlights didn't interrogate her, the only flashing present was that of headlights as cars passed, and the liminal fluorescent signs advertising late night ramen.

She wondered if she was safe in the alley, and almost laughed aloud at the thought.

She existed in the abstract lines between total inebriation and the fluid threads of consciousness. She dug into her small clutch, miraculously it had made it through the night with her, and she sent a thanks up into the heavens. The lighter clicked a few times before it ignited, the small orange flame throwing a warm glow as she lit the end of a cigarette. Exhaled smoke twisted around her as she sighed and leaned back against the wall of the building. The stone was rough against her skin, dress doing nothing to protect her, and she inhaled another shaky breath.

Green eyes glanced up into the night sky, though no stars glanced back. She looked into her clutch again, the cigarette held comfortably between her lips and tried to find car keys.

She didn't remember getting here, whether she had driven herself, taken a cab, or maybe fell through an interdimensional portal. Panic welled around the alcohol in her gut when nothing but the cigarette box, lighter, her dead cell phone, and a few loose bills met her hand as she dug around in her bag. How the fuck was she supposed to leave if she didn't know how she got here?

And where the fuck was she supposed to go?

Her parent's house was too big and empty just for her, especially with the open chasm sitting in her chest. The house was always dark when she got home, her parents finally retiring and leaving her to travel, buy expensive dinners in exotic places, and stay on long trips with their friends. She was happy for them, but the building, sitting in the country surrounded by trees and no streetlights, left her anxious mind wondering whether she was actually alone, causing every hair on her body to stand on end.

She used to go to Tsunade's on nights like this, but… that wasn't an option anymore.

Her eyes squeezed shut and she hit her head back against the stone wall.

it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

She didn't have anywhere to go, nor keys to get there, and even if she did, she was entirely too fucked up to drive herself.

She wondered where Karin went and wished she hadn't been left alone.

She opened her eyes, noting the deep red dirt coating the pavement, and grit her teeth. It didn't matter, but it was time to move. This alley wasn't helping her decide. With a final inhale on the cigarette, she flicked it further into the darkness, before pivoting on the ball of her foot and stepping around the corner of the building, into the brighter light of the street, and slammed directly into a body.

A rush of air pushed past her mouth at the same moment a strong hand darted out and gently wrapped around her forearm as her body ricochetted backwards. Disoriented, eyes spinning as she tried to focus, the scent of summer thunderstorms breezed over her, and the starless eyes she latched onto made her choke.

"Sasuke?"

"Hey."

Pink brows knitted together in confusion. Why was he here? She was nearly two hours away from Konoha, here to see Karin and Suigetsu play. But Sasuke? Why was Sasuke there? Was Ino there too? Dread lanced through her. It made sense, Karin's twin would make the trip to support her. Maybe that's where the redhead disappeared to. The panic in her gut renewed. She couldn't see Sasuke and Ino and their happy, healthy relationship. She couldn't see him smile at someone else, couldn't see the way he orbited around someone else. She couldn't. Not after Suigetsu did what he did to her.

She opened her mouth to say something, though nothing but a soft whine escaped her. Sasuke's brows furrowed, mouth twisting into a frown as he looked at her intensely. Her head shook lightly. She hadn't heard from Sasuke in the two weeks since he met with her, and she honestly never expected to hear from him again.

But there he was, in front of her. Flesh and blood. Shoulders broader than she remembered, bangs mixing with his long ink lashes. Dressed in stylish dark clothes, he was cool and aloof without even trying, and she was an absolute mess. She wanted to scream at him, to curse him for always running away from her, now and then, to punch him so that he knew how much it hurt that he kept stealing her breath like this.

But his soft fingertips were still holding her arm, sending tendrils of fire directly into her veins, and the loudest, most coherent thought in her mind was simply that the tilt of his mouth was as inviting as ever, and she just wanted to swallow him whole.

"Sakura, are you ok–"

"Oh my god, Sakura!"

A flash of dandelion blond overtook her vision, and her bones were suddenly pressed against another body. Though this one was bulkier, muscled in areas neither Sasuke's nor Suigetsu's were, and she was immediately afraid that if this person wanted, they could snap her spine with ease. There was a crush of force against her, but it was soft and tender in a way she didn't recognize, and she wanted to curl away from it.

She didn't deserve such tenderness.

"Hinata, look! It's Sakura!"

Instantly, she was lost in an ocean of blue, underneath clear skies, toes buried in warm sand as a happy breeze brushed over her skin. A smile broke across her face, like the tide against the coast, like the dawn greeting a new day, and the sight of him was so refreshing tears prickled at the back of her eyes.

"Naruto," she murmured, smile held firmly in place, attention too focused on the ocean to notice the sudden narrowing of starless eyes beyond him.

"Sakura, are you okay?"

A small, hesitant voice asked. Naruto beamed at her and shifted so that she could see a beautiful young woman a few steps behind him. Sakura kept one of his hands hostage, not yet done basking in his warmth and afraid to let it go for fear of never finding it again. The timid and awkward girl Sakura once knew as Hinata was obviously gone, cannibalized by the woman in front of her who was Hinata, but different. Her eyes gleamed in the dim light, moonstones sparkling behind heavy lashes, cheeks full, lips pink, and skin glowing as hair like dark silk cascaded over her shoulders. Her figure was supple and feminine in ways that Sakura's body could never be.

"Hinata," she said weakly, and for the first time that evening, tears finally escaped the confines of her pink lashes. The spilt hot tacks down her cheeks, and her body moved on its own, releasing Naruto's hand and pushing herself into her once best friend's arms.

The men behind her were forgotten as strong arms wrapped around Sakura's frail figure. If the black-haired woman was confused or upset, she didn't show it, simply stroked her fingers through Sakura's short tangled hair and gently shushed her as sobs bubbled from her chest.

Sakura buried her face in the warm cove of Hinata's neck, gripping the other woman tightly.

"I miss you," Sakura whimpered.

There was a light giggle, and Hinata nuzzled into the top of Sakura's head. "And I you," Hinata shifted, pulling away to look at Sakura's face. "Where have you been?" She asked softly, fingers tucking short pink strands behind Sakura's ear, a small nonjudgemental smile rested on her lips.

"I…"

The abstract lines of inebriation intersected, and the messier parts of Sakura's mind offered a feeling of resentment. A story about two little boys and their loves washed to the surface. The sun never set, while the moon disappeared. But they were a package deal, the sun and moon. And to bribe the moon to return, something had to be sacrificed.

A line about time and distance danced in the threads around her, that they may bring healing or destruction. And as soon as Sakura had gathered her thoughts, had organized the words to speak, they disappeared back into the cosmos.

Where had she been?

"I don't know," she replied quietly, a wrinkle formed in her brow as she thought.

Hinata seemed to understand, nodding slowly, small smile still in place, and she reached up with tender fingers and pressed the wrinkle out of Sakura's brow.

"It's okay," she said, and then pressed her soft mouth against Sakura's.

A subtle gasp left Sakura as her mind blanked, confused and uncomfortable and worried another person wanted to take something from her when her body was still in so much pain. But the kiss was fleeting, and mere heartbeats had passed before Hinata pulled away.

An affectionate rumble sounded behind them, and Sakura nearly jumped away as Naruto walked closer. She felt her flight instincts kick in, legs trembling underneath her, but he was smiling softly, a blond brow crooked up as another chuckle left him.

"I guess that's our cue to go," sapphire blue never left moonstone as a tan hand came up and tenderly cupped Hinata's cheek. "You silly girl, you're supposed to kiss me," he breathed, dipping his face close to hers, Hinata met him eagerly before he had a chance to fully lean down. The corners of her mouth were tilted into a grin as she kissed him, eyes closing and a breath of air rushing out of her lungs.

Sakura swallowed, cheeks reddening at the blatant demonstration of affection that continued as she turned away.

Her mouth twisted into an unwanted frown, unable to stop herself from comparing the tenderness she just witnessed and the painful way Sui had thrusted into her. She wiped at her still leaking eyes, feeling like a pathetic mess, when an elbow gently nudged into her side.

"Hey," Sasuke said quietly, glancing at his blond best friend and his girlfriend, before settling his gaze back onto Sakura. "Don't mind them, they both get really horny when they've been drinking."

"Do they?" she asked, pressing the rumples in her dress down almost shyly. "Is that why she kissed me?"

"She's tried to kiss me when Naruto isn't available, and they've been drinking."

Sakura giggled, "I don't know if that's unfortunate for you or her."

He rolled his eyes, "I didn't think I was that bad at it."

Sakura smiled before frowning. "Is Naruto okay with it – her randomly kissing people when she's drunk?"

Sasuke shrugged, "I don't think he minds. They're…"

"Polyamorous?"

A black brow quirked. "No, why are you always trying to guess people's sexuality?"

Sakura tilted her head down. "I'm sorry."

He nudged her again, and when she looked up at him, she realized he had just been teasing her. "No, they're really secure in their relationship, they have shared trauma and shit. He doesn't mind if she kisses someone, as long as he's the one she does the rest with."

Sakura nodded, glancing back at the two as they made out in the street.

"Do you have a ride home?" Sasuke asked gently.

Sakura bit her mouth and shook her head. Even if Karin showed up again, she was also too drunk to be of any help making it back to Konoha.

"Do you want a ride home?" He nodded at their friends. "I was in the middle of wrangling them towards the car when I ran into you." He tucked his hands into his pockets and Sakura shivered as a breeze floated past. "I'm sorry about that, by the way. Are you okay?"

She shrugged. The answer was no, but it wasn't like he could do anything about it.

"I would appreciate a ride back," she twisted her fingers together. "But I don't have my house keys for some reason, so I don't have anywhere to go."

"You can stay over at my place," he said easily. "Those two idiots already are."

Sakura shook her head. "You don't have room for three in your apartment."

He shrugged, "it's fine Sakura, come on." He took a step before pausing and twisting around. "Oi, idiots," he said loudly, "Come on, or I'll leave your asses here." Sasuke turned fully then and started stalking across the empty street.

Sakura followed and smiled when she heard Naruto yell bastard back at his friend, but he listened. His blue eyes were bright and shining, mouth and cheeks pink with Hinata's hand folded tightly against his own.

"Wait up!" Naruto called, jogging lightly to catch up with them. His free arm wrapped around Sakura's shoulders. "Fuck yea, the team is back together. It'll be just like old times." Hinata hummed in agreement, leaning around Naruto's torso to smile at Sakura.

.

.

.

"Okay, you two, couch." Sasuke nodded at Naruto and Hinata as he threw a pile of blankets and pillows onto the lumpy orange couch.

"I can't believe you wouldn't take me to get ramen." Naruto grumbled, shuffling over and separating some of the blankets and pillows.

"It's literally four in the morning, no one is selling ramen right now."

"You could have stopped at the gas station." The blond huffed and Hinata ran a slender hand down his arm in comfort, though the lingering of her fingers over his muscle felt anything but innocent.

"If you want food that bad, microwave the instant ramen in the cupboard."

"You're the worst, bastard."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and motioned for Sakura to follow him. They stepped through the doorway that led to his bedroom, and Sasuke was aware of Sakura scanning his space, noting the strategic piles of clothes on the floor and his desk piled with his hand written calculations.

"Okay," Sasuke swallowed, closing the door quietly behind him, feeling the backs of his ears warm as he talked quickly and quietly. "I estimate you have about five minutes to fully fall asleep out there or risk accidentally watching them fuck."

Radiation green eyes widened, and pink brows rose. "What?" the young woman asked in a squeak. "They fucked in front of you before?"

He shook his head, black hair swirling at the base of his neck. "No, not in front of me, but that's because I have a bedroom to escape to. You can still hear them from here, but you won't have to see it. Which is why I'm offering for you to stay in here if you want."

"Y-you're offering me to stay in here?" Her fingers tugged at the thin fabric covering her body before she scratched at her neck and crossed her arms in front of her.

He raised a brow and nodded. "Yea, I mean if you want. I don't care, you can stay out there with them if you want to, but they are not shy about it."

"Thank you for the heads up." She mumbled. He watched her frown at the floor before biting her lip and nodding. "Yea… I mean if it's not weird or anything, and you're okay with it, then yea. I'll stay back here."

He nodded.

if it's not weird or anything.

she looks like you.

Sasuke ground his teeth, shifting around her to move some clothes scattered on his bed and distribute them to their specific piles. He hadn't even thought about it maybe being weird, but now that she mentioned it, he felt anxiety arc across his skin. The rearranging of his clothes didn't take nearly enough time or energy to rid the feeling of lightening under his flesh and he sighed, resigned.

"Do you want to get high with me?"

"What?"

He wondered if he wasn't speaking clearly or if her mind was still threaded by the alcohol she had so obviously been drinking earlier in the evening for her to ask what so many times. But he shrugged, digging into one of the drawers of his desk, and pulled out a half smoked blunt kept in an old candle jar.

"Do you, Sakura Haruno, want to get high with me, Sasuke Uchiha?"

"I…" her greengreen eyes were wide, and he wondered why she was so skittish today.

"You don't have to," he said quickly. Shifting towards the only window in the room and lifting it. He kneeled down onto the floor by the window, arms resting on the sill as he lit the marijuana.

"I thought you said you quit smoking?" She said dumbly.

He inhaled and nodded out the window. "I did." he coughed and frowned at the leftover burnt taste of the half used blunt. "I quit smoking cigarettes."

She seemed to be thinking, standing awkwardly right in front of the closed door, twisting her fingers together, before he heard her pad towards him, and settle down on the floor next to him, resting her back against the wall. She fiddled with her dress again and Sasuke frowned.

"Is your dress bothering you?"

"What?"

He nearly sighed at her, but instead inhaled again. The lightening was still skittering inside of him, anxiety coiling and uncoiling in his gut, but this usually helped. "You've been fidgeting with it since I ran into you," he said simply.

"Oh," she looked down at the garment and bit her mouth. "Yea, it has been. It wasn't a good choice to wear today."

He nodded, he understood. Its why he had so many of the same dark shirts and comfortable dark wash jeans. "Here," he handed her the blunt. "Hold this."

Standing, Sasuke shuffled to the closet, scrubbing a hand through his hair as he looked at the clothes hanging inside. The hangers made small screeching sounds as he carded through them, before letting out a small aha of victory and reaching into the back of the shallow closest and pulling out a piece of fabric.

"You liked sleeping in this, right?" he asked, nudging the door closed with his hip before coming back to her and folding back onto the floor.

He took the blunt back and set an incredibly soft, worn t-shirt into her hands. She unfolded it, the navy fabric thick, even in its age, an embroidered Uchiha fan resting on the back.

"You kept it?" she asked softly, eyes somehow going wider when she looked from the shirt back to him.

He shrugged, thankful that the marijuana was starting to settle in his system. His heart rate didn't pick up.

"You said you liked it."

"I said it was my favorite." She corrected, and before he knew what was happening, she had scrambled to stand and face away from him. Her thin dress was quickly in a pile on his floor, and it was his turn for his eyes to widen at the expanse of white skin he was now presented with.

Starless eyes washed over the elegant stroke of her neck, the curve of her spine, and the soft flesh of her small ass. He noted the darker dots lining along her waist, but his heart stuttered and mind short circuited when he realized her ass was completely bare. He coughed again, unrelated to the musky smoke of the drug, and quickly looked away from her, pink flooding into his cheeks.

"Sakura," he frowned at himself and the quiver of his voice. "A-are you not wearing any underwear?"

The navy fabric fell to the middle of her thighs, and she let out a sigh. "I lost them."

"How did – what?"

She twisted back to face him and shrugged. The hem of the shirt lifted with her movement and Sasuke made a point to maintain eye contact. She reddened this time as she opened her mouth. "Uh… a bathroom, at the bar. Sui… he um…" her face morphed through a few different emotions that Sasuke wasn't sure how to identify before she finally settled on something that just seemed sad. "I lost them."

it's not weird. this isn't weird.

He almost chanted inwardly to himself. Sakura was dating Suigetsu, it made sense they… did things together. Just because he wouldn't necessarily fuck in the bathroom, didn't mean that other people didn't. Didn't mean that Sakura didn't like fucking in the bathroom.

With Suigetsu.

His jaw muscles flexed.

He didn't want to think about Suigetsu with Sakura.

"Here," he leaned over and rifled through a small pile, pulling a pair of his boxers and tossing them towards her. "These are clean. I-if you want them."

He could have kicked himself, why did he stipulate if she wanted them? Why did he even ask if she had been wearing underwear? Now it was weird, now it was exponentially fucking weird.

He thought about telling her that he would stay in the living room with the idiot and his horny girlfriend, but he could already hear their soft moans and didn't want to deal with that any more than he already had to.

"Thanks," she pulled his boxers up to her boney hips before smoothing the navy shirt back down. "And thank you for the shirt. This is much better." she gave him a timid smile, that he didn't know how to reciprocate, and sat down beside him again. "May I?" she held her fingers out and he gave her the blunt.

"Why did you guys go out tonight?" she asked gently, glancing out the window to not meet his gaze. "I didn't see Ino there with you."

"She wasn't. Well… not that I know of."

"Trouble in paradise?"

Sasuke shrugged, avoiding mentioning anything about Ino. "Naruto believes in exposure therapy. I had a really shitty week, so he figured we should go out and get drunk."

"I can't help but notice you're not drunk."

He grinned lightly, staring at the carpet. "Yea, I don't drink. I'm on entirely too many drugs for that."

"So, Naruto conned you into DDing?"

"Not quite, but something like that."

"Do you want to talk about your shitty week?" It was surprisingly tender and honest, and Sasuke took the blunt back from her.

"Maybe when you're older."

Sakura's heart shaped face twisted into a scowl. "I'm older than you are." She knocked into him with her shoulder. "But if you change your mind, the offer to listen still stands. It sucks you can't drink though."

"I have other methods." He raised the drug in the air and took a drag.

"Does that not bother your medicines?"

He shook his head, offered her another hit, and when she didn't take it, he snuffed out the ash. "No, it makes my brain softer."

"Softer?" she repeated as a question. He closed his black eyes; the last lungful of marijuana was held in as he thought and thought.

"Normally," he exhaled but kept his eyes closed. "It feels like a trap. Something filled with hard edges, barbed wire, and land mines. Any move is the wrong move. No matter what you do. Everything is wrong." he shifted and stood, looking out the window at the lone tree in the parking lot. "This makes the edges softer. The barbed wire isn't quite as sharp, the land mines are disabled. It's like I can breathe for a bit."

"I'm surprised you're not high all of the time," she said, pulling her knees up to her chest. "If it's helping that much."

A shoulder lifted and fell. "I do it when I stay in, but I still don't go out. It's not really helpful to face everyday tasks if I can only do it at home."

Sakura started giggling and Sasuke gave her a skeptical glare.

"What?"

"I'm just imagining you relaxing, like you are now, out and about in public. No one would know what to do without your signature scowl."

"I do not scowl."

She giggled anyways. "Right, just like I don't have pink hair."

He scowled at her intentionally then, exaggerating the angle of his brows and the wrinkle in his nose, and something like relief skirted the edge of his mind as she giggled at him again. There was a broad smile on her cheeks, and he sighed. "I can't even argue against that," he said almost sullenly.

She rested her forehead on her knees, and her giggles died down soon after. The way her shoulders fell told him that exhaustion was seeping into her.

"Hey," he nudged her carefully. "You can take the bed."

"I don't wanna get up." she protested quietly.

"Oh, hush, you can't be that tired." He said softly, no venom or irritation in his voice. Taking the opportunity to inspect some of her skin in her tired state, starless eyes glance around the navy fabric of his old t-shirt and frowned at the small marks blossoming on the back of her neck. "Sakura," he started, intending to ask what had happened to her that day.

"Carry me," she mumbled, not offering to help shuttle her body from one spot to another, but the only thing Sasuke could do, was sigh. He ignored the small increase of his heartbeat as he dipped down to her.

"I'll help you, but I'm not carrying you the entire way there."

"Mmh," she sighed into him, and wrapped her arms around his neck, his hands landed unplanned on her thin hips. "You don't smell the same anymore," she murmured. Their feet tangled together and stumbled the last few steps to his bed. Her green eyes were closed, and suddenly she was pressed against his chest, her cold nose nuzzling against his throat as she hummed again.

His neck warmed again, and he swallowed. "Sakura."

"It's like a thunderstorm," she offered, warm breath feathering over his neck. "I didn't know you could buy that as a scent."

He settled her onto the mattress, extricating her arms from his neck as tenderly as he could. She folded herself into a ball, hands tucking under her chin and knees brought up to her chest.

"I'm cold," she mumbled.

"Here," he pulled the comforter up over her shoulders. He reached down and brushed a few stray pieces of her pink hair away from her face. Hazy radiation eyes opened, like day breaking across his cheeks.

"Please don't leave me."

"I'm not, I'm going to be right here." He shifted to move away from her to make a nest of floor clothes to sleep on, but she shook her head, and a sob snuck out of her throat.

"No, stay here with me."

"I don't–"

"Sasuke, please, I can't stand it."

He didn't know what exactly it was, but the cracks in her walls were fracturing, even as he stood beside her, and he found himself nodding.

"Okay," he whispered, heart thrumming away. He swallowed and lifted the corner of the blanket. "You'll have to scoot."

With a soft whine she did, nudging herself out of the way to make space for his body.

He didn't touch her, and she didn't touch him as he settled onto the bed beside her. She might as well have been an ocean away, with her cheek resting on the dock of the other pillow. Sasuke was staring intensely at the ceiling, cycling through all the times Sakura had been here, almost exactly like this, in his bed; and he swallowed again.

It wasn't long before another whine fell from her, and he couldn't stop himself from reaching for her, to remind her he was there – like Naruto had done for him, like she had done for him years ago, but he found she was already reaching for him. Her skin was soft and warm. And before he realized what was happening, before he could stop her, before he could stop himself, her mouth was pressed against his.

It was soft, and warm, and sad. It was exactly like he remembered.

And for maybe the first time in his life, Sasuke didn't feel like running away.

---

Author's Note:

Thank you so much for reading! I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts, any questions, favorite parts, or what you think might happen in the future, so please consider leaving a comment. They make me smile.