Journal # 276.0

3/1/24

1800 hours

I've been reflecting on some of my past entries lately. Finding any sort of idea, I might have had in the past that is relevant now. The lists of random things I scribbled in this silly old book are long and, in some places, rather than helpful, are very thought-provoking. Being older and wiser is truly an interesting concept, I'm definitely older but wiser not so much.

I finally gave in and decided to go to the Garrison with Katie. I sort of just blurted it out, it felt awkward, but I need to say it. If I hadn't done it then probably never would of. Katie's seriousness about getting into the Garrison only surprised me a little. (She always was rather hard-headed) In a way, also very happy-go-lucky too, it works out well in both of our favours in this case at least, more so her than me. Seeing as it doesn't work out for me at all, the joke is on me, isn't it?

There are lots of things bothering me right now, I don't have enough time to get it down today, sadly. My thoughts are a chaotic mess. I legitimately need a cookie right now; this might just kill me. I'm not sure anymore, not really great with tech in the first place, truly more of Katie's thing if you think about it. But growing up in the Holt household made it impossible to be completely ignorant about the topic. Therefore, I may need to find my own cliché, screw avoiding the plot! I'm still going in blind; I hate long-term planning. There is no doubt in my mind that I have been selfish, wanting to hide from this for my own good. Kakie is very dear to me, her boundless enthusiasm gets to me more often than I'll admit.

It's sweet in Its own way, I wonder again If I'm really here or not.

It's so unreal but not.

They're so good to me; they have no alternate motive for this. It scares me that I've come to rely on them. I'm scared of how much I trust them. They love me so much it hurts, and I know it.

I sort of just started crying.

I remember that when we were watching the television, Mom and Katie hearing the news, it was surreal in a way I couldn't connect with. I was losing myself, becoming trapped in my own people-pleasing mindset.

But yet on that night, I cried too. I ugly cried the way I did before. Because I was the one who let this happen. I could have done something, saved them from this pain, but I didn't. I stood there hugged them and comforted them. I am appalled with myself now how I could have acted as if everything was fine? It just feels so wrong now. It's the sort of realization, that makes me want to spill my guts, tell them everything. But I can't yet. I know I need to wait.

When we got the news, I went back through my notes. I was so scared and unsure that I didn't trust my memory. I read it over and over again, still not understanding what I did wrong.

I'm ashamed of letting myself panic like that. But that is not what scares me. The report should have said that the mission was a failure because of pilot error. It didn't say that though I'm scared to it in here, but I'll tape in the article later.

I'm not even sure it's true anymore. Is Matt alive? Is Dad alive? The truth is I know they should be, but for me just knowing that they should be is not enough, or is it? I don't know. It feels off, I may have changed something somehow. I took some time to think of it, but I don't think I did anything major in the least.

-Hallie

Kerberos mission was sabotaged by head tech, Matt Holt

The garrison is instigating a full study of this case. Due to the unexpected sabotage, all members of the mission perished including the perpetrator. Family to be questioned.