6. Soft

For a long time, they sit in silence. Eve closes her eyes, trying to focus on the way it feels to have Suki's thigh pressed against her own, the scent of her hair and the aroma of her perfume in her nostrils, the press of her temple against her cheekbone, how warm she feels leaning in close.

She knows she shouldn't. It's a dangerous game, one she ought not be playing any longer, not since Suki made it clear to her that she would never be able to give her the kind of open, full relationship that she craves.

And yet she can't help herself.

What's the alternative?

To think about him. Ranveer. Putting his filthy hands on Suki, threatening to rape her.

Eve remembers the state Suki had been in on that day with ugly clarity. The cut on her cheek, the hair in disarray, the way she had trembled in her arms, the tears that had fallen hot and fast. The strongest woman Eve had ever known, disassembled by a man's vile hands. At the time, she had been sickened that anyone's kids could be ruthless enough to leave a woman in that state. Knowing the full of it now, those vivid, unwanted images in her head of him pinning her down whilst she struggled and screamed, playing like a film on loop…

No, it's unthinkable.

If he ever dares to show his face around here again, she will do more than smash him over the head with a clock.

Suki shifts slightly, bringing her back to the present. Eve turns towards, her mouth accidentally brushing her temple as she asks, "Is everything okay?" She's quick to pull her head back then, not wanting to push any of Suki's carefully sustained boundaries by accident, but Suki doesn't seem to mind the mishap. Likely she's got too many other things on her mind to even notice.

"No, I'm fine," she says softly. Eve suspects that it's a mantra she repeats over and over again, a desperate hope that if she says the words enough, she can will them into being the truth. Eve has used that same tactic enough in the past.

It never works.

"Shall I make us another drink?" she asks, anything to give her something else to focus on.

Suki shakes her head. "I don't want another drink. I didn't even finish the last one."

"Are my coffee making skills that bad?" Eve tries to joke.

She's semi-victorious; it raises a small, wispy smile. "You're not a patch on Kathy, let's just say that."

"Ouch. So that's why you never come by the van."

"And the fact that I'd rather not risk the food poisoning."

Eve feels her own lips tugging treacherously upward. It might be a dig, but it's proof that the real Suki is still in there, perhaps feeling lost and defeated for now, with so much turmoil and horror whipping around her, but it gives her real hope that with time and support, Suki can find her caustic confidence again.

That relief is supplanted by a tender warmth with Suki's next words.

"I appreciate you doing this," she says.

Eve waves it away. "What are friends for?"

Suki stares at her for a moment, then shakes her head. "I wouldn't have blamed you if you didn't want anything to do with me. Not after the way I treated you."

The words linger for a moment, the air thick with the history between them, a history that still feels unresolved despite both of their separate assertions that they had stabbed the last full stop into the page. Suki had admitted her interest, but it would never be stronger than her will to keep up appearances. Eve is not prepared to compromise on the way she lives her life, not after all of the hell she's gone through to get to a healthy headspace.

And yet there is still the sense of an unresolved climax, an addendum that could be added to that book.

Eve shrugs, trying to make light of it. "You know me. Always happy to help anyone that might need a hand up."

"Still, I am grateful to you. I've just…" Suki shakes her head, tailing off.

"I understand," Eve says quickly. "You've been through an incredibly traumatic experience. Your head's all over the place. I get it, I do."

"I could have been kinder to you. Before all of this, I mean."

Eve would prefer not to go there right now. Her own head is spinning with the new information she's learned today; she doesn't want to complicate things further. "Forget about it, Suki. Honestly, it's fine."

"I know that I hurt you, and I hope you know that I am sorry for that."

Eve doesn't want to examine that too closely. Not now. It's far from the right time. "You have nothing to apologise for. You did what was right for you, and I respect that. I'm not the kind of person to hold grudges. I still like you as a person. There's no hard feelings."

"You're a better person than me," Suki murmurs, perhaps a bit shamefaced. "I don't think I'd have the same generosity."

"What can I say? Proper angel of the north, me."

That tugs a smile from Suki's lips. She nestles closer, tucking her head into the crook of Eve's neck.

Suki's hands dangle between her thighs. It would be so easy to reach out and take one, to twine their fingers together. She hadn't protested when Eve had done that outside; it had been an unthinking, instinctive action, to grab her hand and lead her to a place of safety, an impulse that now, in hindsight, Eve sees had been rather reckless; there had been nothing romantic in it, but she isn't sure what Suki might think of potentially being seen holding another woman's hand in public.

Then again, it had been Suki who had clung so desperately onto her hand in the initial aftermath of Ranveer's attack, so vice-like that there had been little half-crescents pockmarks in her skin for a week afterwards. So perhaps here, in the safety of privacy, it wouldn't be as unwelcome as Eve thinks.

But no. That would be taking advantage of a situation, and she would never, ever do that to Suki.

Whilst she is having her mini-crisis, Suki lets out a sigh…and moves her own hand to rest against Eve's knee. Eve feels the warmth of that touch even through the barrier of her jeans, and it sets her heart thudding in her chest, intensifying that yearning ache that she's been living with for months, as if it's just as much a part of her as the rest of her being is. After a moment's hesitation, she moves her own hand atop Suki's. Tentative. Ready to pull away the moment she feels any tension.

But there is none. If anything, Suki seems to relax further. She's looking down at their hands with an almost spiritual reverence. As if she is gaining strength just from that touch. "I just wanted to say that…I do appreciate you being here for me. I really, really do. I don't…I don't have anyone else. You could have turned your back on me too. But you didn't."

"I think your kids want to be there for you too, if you give them the opportunity," Eve says gently. "They've all been so worried about you."

Suki's mouth hardens. "They're only trying to assuage their own guilt. They don't really care."

"You know that's not true. You're their mother. You're the woman who raised them single-handedly. Maybe things are raw and complicated at the moment, but they love you. And I know things with Kheerat are particularly difficult and I know he may not be showing you, but I see a lot of him around here with Stace. Trust me, you're always on his mind. He's worrying about you constantly."

At the mention of Kheerat, Suki stiffens, disentangling their hands. Eve feels the loss at once, but shuffles a little to the side, giving Suki more space. The last thing she wants to do is make her feel as if she's judging, or pushing her own agenda. And she knows just how touchy the subject of Suki's kids still is.

"None of this would have happened if they hadn't left," she snaps.

"You don't mean that," says Eve.

Suki stares at her with those dark eyes for a moment before looking away. Her silent acceptance. Eve knows how difficult Suki finds it to admit that she has made a mistake, or that she regrets her words.

"It's not their fault," she presses gently now. "And it's certainly not yours, either. It's all Ranveer. He's the one that tried to rape you. No one should ever have to live through that kind of fear. Honestly, I'm tempted to fly out to Mumbai and track him down myself. If he ever dares to show his face around here again, he won't know what's hit him."

"Don't talk like that. I don't want to have to worry about you getting yourself locked back up on top of everything else."

"It was just a joke."

"Not a very good one."

"Well, you always tell me my humour's lacking. I'm simply living up to your expectations."

Suki shakes her head. There's perhaps the slightest touch of affection in her expression before she sobers once more, agonised and tortured all over again.

"I don't want them to know," she says. "It's easier if they just keep thinking that it was a mugging gone wrong. They've known Ranveer all their lives. When they were little, he bought them presents every year. Kheerat looks up to him. I don't want that illusion to be shattered."

Eve bites her tongue to prevent herself scoffing, because in her opinion that's the very worst thing Suki could do, and it sounds like she's already made that mistake once before by not telling her kids the truth about their father's real character. However, she can't prevent herself from arguing.

"You shouldn't protect him. If people hold him in contempt, then good. It's nothing less than he deserves. He should be in prison for what he tried to do to you. And who's to know how many other women are out there trying to rebuild their lives after crossing his path?"

"Then I want to do it for Ravi. If it wasn't for him…" Suki's voice trails off, but before Eve can press her, she continues, "I don't want them thinking any worse of Ravi, either. What happened isn't his fault. He's been such a good help to me."

That's also not something Eve thinks she can fully agree with. There's something about Ravi that sets her nerves on edge, something arrogant and disingenuous about him. And the way that he seems to be trying to keep Suki isolated…

But Suki seems to genuinely appreciate him, and she supposes that her having someone there is better than her having no one at all.

Although, she hopes that Suki sees that she really can trust her with anything. There may never be more than a tentative friendship between them, but Eve hopes that Suki knows that she has no ulterior motive, that she just wants to support her. She thinks Suki could do with a friend. And despite her previous assertions that she couldn't be that person for Suki, given her own feelings, she knows deep down that she can't just turn her back on her. She cares about her too much for that.

She loves her too much for that.

And that is something she cannot dwell on. That she must repress and ignore if she can. She always falls for the wrong person. But that's not Suki's fault. It's her own. She allows herself to feel too deeply, always in desperate search of a home after so many years in exile, to prove to herself that even though her parents couldn't love her, there was someone who could.

Suki clears her throat, making to stand.

"I should be getting back," she murmurs. There's great reluctance in her voice, and for a mad moment Eve has the vision of begging her to stay right where she is, so she can keep her safe from Ranveer, and Ravi too.

Suki would probably snap at her for that, telling her that it was just her misplaced loyalty to Kheerat because of his relationship with Stacey that was making her take up arms so ferociously against Ravi. But if his father was capable of such atrocities, what did it mean for him?

"You can stay as long as you need," she says instead, standing too. "There's no rush."

"Stacey will be wondering where you are."

"Let me worry about Stacey. She knows what I'm like, anyway. I'm always wandering off and getting distracted. She won't think too much of it."

"No, it's fine, really. I've wasted too much of your time already."

"Don't be daft. You could never waste my time."

"No," Suki says, with finality this time.

Eve sighs. "Fine. Then at least let me walk you back."

"It's only across the road."

"I know. But I'd feel better knowing that you'd got there safely. Indulge me, please."

Suki doesn't say anything for a moment, but then she nods. "Fine. If you insist."

"I do."

Suki's lips twitch, eyes warm, and Eve knows that she's won. "You really are infuriatingly persistent, aren't you?"

"Always. I've found that gets the best results. I annoy people into liking me. Reckon I did that with you, an' all."

There's barely any space between them as they stand there in the living room; Suki is so close to her that Eve can hear her soft inhalations. And those dark eyes looking up at her…Eve could quite easily lose herself in those eyes. She has never seen any more beautiful, more expressive, than Suki's.

She is beautiful.

And unobtainable. Clearing her throat, she steps back, putting distance between them once more.

"Come on, then," Eve says.

And with that, they move towards the exit; Suki turns left towards the front door, whilst Eve turns right to drop their used cups into the kitchen. She takes a moment to comb her fingers through her hair before returning to Suki, who stands looking small and uncertain in the hallway.

"Everything okay?" Eve asks.

"Yes. I just…have one more thing to say before we leave," she says, fidgeting with the cuff of her jacket.

"Oh? What's that?"

For a moment, Suki doesn't say anything, simply continues to fidget with her hands, her eyes downcast. Eve resists the urge to reach out and tip her chin up with her fingers.

"You can trust me with anything, Suki," she says quietly. "Doesn't matter what it is."

"I know," she says softly. "Just…thank you."

At that, Eve chuckles. "That's what you were worried about saying? Suki, I already know that you're grateful. Not that you need to be. I'm doing what any friend would in my shoes. So don't ever feel grateful to me for that, yeah? I want to be here for you, no matter what."

Silence. Suki lifts those dark eyes. They burn into her, deep and intense.

And then she takes Eve utterly by surprise.

Rising on her tiptoes, brushing the softest, most fleeting kiss against her cheekbone; it's so brief that if it hadn't been for the sudden aversion of Suki's gaze, Eve might have thought she'd imagined it.

Without even waiting for her to react, Suki pulls open the door and steps outside.

"Are you coming?" she asks. If it wasn't for the slight waver in her voice, Eve might have thought that she was unmoved.

"Y-Yeah, I'm coming," she says hastily, following her out of the door and shutting it behind her.

Suki waits for her at the end of the path, and together they begin a slow amble back across the street to the flat, walking so closely that their arms brush, and Eve finds her heart swelling in her chest all over again. She knows how foolish it is to have these feelings. She's told herself to be careful, but she's never had much control over her heart.

Even with distance, her feelings for Suki are running deeper by the day. It's likely to end in heartbreak all over again.

Suki is so contrary that Eve doesn't know if she'll wake up tomorrow to find her hard and cold once more, pretending that today never even happened.

But, as their little fingers inadvertently brush, Eve thinks that for now, this is enough.