Chapter 13: The Decision

"Where did you go?"

Buffy sighed deeply and curled even deeper into Spike's side. They both had lost track of time since they breached the topic of what the First had made Spike do quite a bit ago.

Not that Buffy needed the incentive, but her ire at the First now felt deeply personal. It didn't go unnoticed by her that this was now the second boyfriend of hers the First had tried to kill or manipulate.

Buffy had filled him in about England and her conversation with Willow, if you'd even call it that. A dull light was beginning to creep into the sky they could see from between the door cracks, signaling the sun was rising. She filled him in about Faith and the encounter with the Turok Han too – he was alarmed another one was out there roaming Sunnydale. She reluctantly shared her conversation with Faith in the car about the Sultana taking over and Buffy not being the "prime example of mental stability".

She knew she'd have to deal with Finley. She knew Dawn and Faith had some questions about everything that had just happened. She knew Willow and Xander were on their way back to Sunnydale. She also knew that Giles had left to investigate a lead about a safe house an ex-council friend of his was using to house Potentials. She also knew that if Giles' lead panned out, she'd now have an undetermined gaggle of frightened teenagers to watch over.

Buffy had known that when she left for England that this was the beginning of a turning point. The war was starting and she would have to start….leading. While this night had been chaotic, it was also a calm before a brewing storm.

So, she sat in the shed hoping time would stand still but also her body hummed with alertness of the time remaining – a sense of dread building in her chest when she saw the soft light.

"I'm not sure," she answered him. "Somewhere….in between. It felt…calm."

"Like before?"

His tone wasn't angry or sad, just matter of fact. He felt he was just filling in the blanks of her words and silence. His hand squeezed hers in reassurance.

"I want to be with you," she whispered, the sentiment genuine. "But you and Faith are both right. I'm…not the same and I think I need to be this version of me now. Whatever that is…whatever that is. I have to pretend to be…normal, all the time and it's exhausting."

"Then, stop."

"No, I'm not talking about…being dark and twisty. I mean…I don't need to sleep. I can…and it's relaxing for a little. Then, I feel antsy. I don't dream normal dreams. At first, we were able to separate more but now we're…combining. I have to remind myself to walk slow or move slow or control my strength when I touch people. And a part of me wants to lean into it, to not run from that power. And the other part feels like its consuming the Buffy bits. My memories are different from everyone else's because I have the real ones without Dawn. If they aren't fuzzy and feel like…someone else's life. I need time to work this out to find a balance but now the world is ending so…" and she shrugged. "We should get back."

Spike didn't want to push her, appreciative that she had even opened up this much to him. And a part of him, logically, knew she was right. Whatever issues they had or she had or he had, wasn't what is important in this moment. And it wouldn't be until the First was dealt with.

"What are we going to do about…what the First made me do?"

"Keep it between us, for now. I can't let you leave my sight though until we figure it out. I need to protect you, but –"

"You mean protect people from me," he rephrased, the shame evident in this voice.

"That too," she said honestly. "Buckle up for some quality Buffy time, all the time. And I will find a solution but...I don't know who to trust with this yet. But I can't let you be alone with Dawn until we figure this out. Or anyone who can't protect themselves. I'm sorry."

Spike understood – he hated to admit it, but being accepted by the people he'd grown to see as family was important to him. The thought of them turning their back on him felt crushing. But Faith and Dawn had taken his side over Robin's so he wanted to believe that wouldn't happen. Didn't mean it was impossible, though.

"And the principal in the basement?"

"I don't want…," she sighed. "I don't need to forgive you for killing Nikki Woods."

"Buffy as much as it warms my dead heart to hear you say that – the man has a right to his vengeance after what I took from him. That's not self-pity or death wish, but just the reality of it. I haven't done enough good to right that wrong, luv. Or many other ones."

"But you will," Buffy whispered. "You're not the same vampire who killed her."

"Robin doesn't see that," Spike pointed out. "Slayer aside, no matter why I did it – I killed his mum."

"Spike, You can't wallow in this, I won't let you."

"No," he said sternly. "That boy loved his mum, the way that you loved yours…the way that I loved mine. Doesn't matter how many basements you put him in or how badly you scare him…he has a right to his grief. Even you know those roots run too deep to be plucked."

Buffy regarded Spike soberly, a brief weight of a memory of her mother's death landing on her. "I've never…you don't really talk about your mom. I guess I didn't think that you'd remember her or something," she admitted softly.

A look that she had never seen on Spike's face washed across his features. For a moment, he looked near tears and Buffy reached for his hand instinctively. He pulled away from her and stood up. Finally, he spoke but his back was to her. "I remember."

"We don't have to talk about it," she said gently. She meant it. In that moment, she realized that her and Angel rarely spoke about his human life. Spike had divulged a few details to her. Mostly about him being a "git" and it never seemed like something he looked back on fondly. So, she wasn't expecting his confession that came next.

"I killed my mother as soon as I was turned. She was the only person I remember being truly kind to me before…before Joyce and Niblet. You see when I was rose as a vampire, I didn't know exactly what had happened but I didn't feel fear or hunger. I felt relief that my life as William was over. I felt strong. I feel free. Like I'd been given a gift.

My mum was ill. I wanted to save her because I felt saved. I wanted her to walk this world with me forever – where no one could hurt us ever again. So, I turned her, but when she woke up, there was nothing left of her. All of my darkness – all of my demon – was reflected back at me through her. I had to accept that only a monster like me could have made a woman that bright…the darkest kind of monster. So, I killed her and the last shreds humanity left me. And I never wanted them back. Until you."

Buffy, the girlfriend, rushed over to embrace her boyfriend.

The Sultana was angry.

The First sent the one person to kill Spike that he cannot bear to kill due to his guilt, it hissed to her. The pain he feels is blinding…and exploitable. Which means that if comes to it, we will have to do what he cannot.

I don't kill humans.

We kill enemies. We kill those who threaten those we love. Why does the species matter?

The Sultana waited for Buffy to disagree and argue further.

And was met with silence.