A/N: Something very weird is going on with my biorhythms. It feels like my emotional rhythm lowered itself down to the critical point, but then...bounced back up for another positive cycle? Can that happen? A similar thing is true of my physical biorhythm. It's supposed to be negative, which means I'm supposed to feel like abstaining from heavy exercise. Last Wednesday, the day it was supposed to start the negative phase, I walked for 2 hours and indeed did feel very poorly, had to pause frequently, enjoyed sitting for 2.5 hours afterward, etc. I usually feel invigorated after long walks, so my rhythm clearly WAS negative at that point. But then, just a few days later... I started wanting to go for a run in the mornings? And my stomach feels quite awake and alert? And this morning, I ran as much as I could without endangering my lungs from the cold, dry air, but felt like I wanted to run more? My actual performance on my actual real-life morning runs these past two days suggests that it's NOT an illusion. My body actually is revved up for exercise. And my performance on this chapter suggests that the bouncing of my emotional biorhythm isn't an illusion either. I wrote this entire chapter in one day, without any prewriting, without leaning on any previous chapter, and it's over 4000 words. And I feel only a very, very slight sense of strain. That should not be possible at the bottom of an emotional trough.

What the nuggets is going on here?

.

Clone Hidan

Clone Hidan lay gasping for breath on the forest floor, thankful to still be alive. I nearly just died. I'm immortal, but I nearly just died. I'd better not tell Konan or Nagato. They'd have coronaries.

Original Hidan talked to himself nearby. "So it's exactly what I thought! And Kakuzu said it didn't matter. If only I could see his face, rub his nose in it a little…" He sighed. "Things just aren't as fun anymore without that hardass around."

"I get what you mean," Clone Hidan murmured. "I wouldn't trade my Kakuzu for anything."

Original Hidan sat down and wrapped his tail around his legs. "The Kakuzu that I knew put up with my religion, but didn't care about it. I told him once about feeling Jashin sama's glorious presence beside me in battle, and he just shrugged me off! The bastard! But we just proved that I was right all along! The symbol gathers together Jashin sama's energy, like an invisible body. When I draw the symbol, it is exactly like my god is there with me! Suck it, Kakuzu!"

Clone Hidan moaned piteously. "It's all I can do to not remember what the fuck you just said," he forced out in between pained gasps. "Oh fuck, it feels like my cells are being torn in two…"

Original Hidan frowned. "Aren't you used to it?"

Clone Hidan turned his head away from the now-erased symbol of Jashin. "That fucking thing was like a vacuum…"

Original Hidan stood. He placed his scythe on his back, then reached down to put his clone's arm around his shoulders. By way of consolation, he said, "You make a good test dummy."

Clone Hidan placed his feet on the ground, carrying as much of his own weight as he could. "How about we not tell Konan how badly this went?"

Original Hidan shivered. "Deal."

The walk home was a long one. By the time they passed the patch of newly-grown trees, Clone Hidan was able to walk on his own, but slowly and with frequent pauses to rest. Good. I look exhausted, but not dead. I can pretend this is as bad as it got. Nobody needs to know. He gave his original a thumbs-up. Original Hidan flicked his tail in reply.

He stopped to text Kakuzu about their return. When they stepped out into the backyard, Kakuzu was waiting. He took in Clone Hidan's condition with a single quick scan and asked, "Did you discover anything that is of immediate relevance to someone's survival?"

"No. You?"

"Potentially." Kakuzu led them to one side of the yard, where a single paper-and-dirt bench table remained. The others had been unmade, but it seemed like a good idea to keep one around so that people didn't always have to sit on the porch or the bare grass. Clone Hidan was grateful for that now. He slumped onto the seat with a sigh of relief. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow. "But first, let me amend my previous inquiry. Did you discover anything that is of immediate relevance to someone's ability to function?"

Hidan nodded. "Having one of those symbols made near me hurts. I should not be present at any battle my original is in, not if he plans to use that technique."

Kakuzu nodded. He sat on the opposite side, and Original Hidan sat next to Clone Hidan. Kakuzu put his elbows on the table and cracked a few knuckles before speaking. He wasted no time on preamble. "Obito paid a visit to vampire territory for the explicit purpose of arguing with Soye."

Original Hidan purred. "It's about time one of you pussy-ass clones stood up to those fuckers!"

Kakuzu shot him a glare. "Obito is banned from vampire territory. The vampires take their laws very seriously. War is not a far-fetched concern." He turned to Clone Hidan. "However, Itachi believes that ruining a daily lesson would be an even greater offense, so we cannot send anyone to check on him. All that we can do is hope she's in an especially reasonable mood."

Clone Hidan sighed. "We'll see how things are tonight, then," he muttered. "How's the document creation going?"

"We distilled that deluge of information down into something useful. Itachi has taken to calling the 8 elements and basic generalist skills 'core magic,' and everything else 'fringe magic.' It seems that the dolls are only capable of using core magic. They can't use any of the weird elements like Bacon, Metal or Fear, and they haven't learned to perform specialized trades like alchemy or puppet-making. They are only experts in basic, generic magic."

Clone Hidan yawned and muttered, "The sort that works 95% of the time. No wonder we were having trouble finding something they can't do."

Kakuzu nodded. "In addition, Yahiko told us some typical weaknesses associated with various types of magic. The dolls' favorite types of magic are associated with anger and a tendency to become soldiers. Fortunately, we have already done much to protect them from that threat."

Clone Hidan frowned. "Aren't the vampires kind of…?"

"Yes. That is the very thing Obito went to confront Soye about." Kakuzu leaned back. "We have two reasons to hope he can handle himself."

"Cool," Original Hidan muttered, sounding bored. "Hey, wanna hear what we found out about the symbol?"

"If you're gonna talk about that, I need to go to bed," Clone Hidan said.

Kakuzu nodded. "I have nothing better to talk about, so go ahead." He graciously waited while Clone Hidan heaved himself upright and ambled toward the back door. As the door closed, Clone Hidan heard Kakuzu ask for the highlights.

He walked as far as the basement stairway and sat against the wall, the top step on his right. What would I do without someone like Kakuzu? Without someone to keep me from getting too wild and crazy, I might not've done or become anything important. It's like he kept me grounded in society, kept bringing me back to this real place where real people live and my actions have real consequences. No wonder Other Me seems so fucked up.

He got back up and dragged himself to his room. He collapsed onto the bed facefirst. I hope my Kakuzu can help. That was his last thought before falling asleep.

Original Hidan

Original Hidan knew better than to get his hopes up. In the world of ninja, that was a dangerous practice in general, and in his experience it was especially dangerous to expect good things from another person. He expected Clone Kakuzu to be just as dismissive as Original Kakuzu had been.

He saw nothing to disprove his expectation. Clone Kakuzu kept their discussion on a strictly impersonal, scientific level. "Hmm. I see a lot of interesting relationships to our existing knowledge. Itachi ought to hear this."

Casually, as if he didn't care at all what the response might be (because he didn't), Hidan said, "I wasn't surprised. I remember telling my version of Kakuzu once that it felt like Jashin sama was fighting at my side."

Clone Kakuzu narrowed his eyes. "You never thought to mention that?"

Hidan bristled. "What the fuck are you saying?"

"This is a world where one can literally walk side by side with a deity. We've been nothing but interested in how divine forces, magic, life force, etcetera work in this and in other universes. And you didn't think to mention that you had relevant information?"

"Oh, please," Hidan scoffed. "Who cares about some zealot rambling on about how connected he feels to his god?"

"Everyone," Clone Kakuzu snarled in reply. "Let me repeat myself: this is a world where divine forces shape everything. Only an idiot would think that people here wouldn't be interested in some zealot feeling connected to his god."

"Yeah, well, maybe I didn't want my life to be fucking cheapened by getting written down in some document that everybody reads once and forgets about!"

Clone Kakuzu narrowed his eyes again. "What are you really afraid of?"

Hidan snarled. He didn't know. "Like I would waste my breath talking to a know-nothing like you." He stood up, ready to storm away. He knew that Kakuzu would call him childish, but he was used to it. Such criticism would not stop him.

"What did my original say when you told him?"

That question, however, could. "Nothing much," Hidan said with a dismissive flick of his ears.

"I'm not him." Clone Kakuzu stood up too. "You keep forgetting that this isn't the cold, uncaring world you're used to." He, not Hidan, became the first to walk away.

Hidan watched his back and snarled. Different world or not, reality doesn't change.

.

Konan and her friends soon returned. They had the bright faces of people who just finished a lively discussion. Hidan spotted them from the roof, where he'd been doing some thinking. He ran straight down the face of the building and met them on the road. Konan nodded politely at him. "We bring good news."

"Enjoy that feeling while it lasts."

Konan tilted her head. "Has something happened?"

Hidan huffed. "I performed an exploration of religious matters and got some very important results, but all Kakuzu wanted to know was if I'd found anything that endangered lives. So don't expect your good news to matter to anyone."

"Ah, more backwards talk," Original Nagato murmured. Hidan hissed at him.

Konan raised her hand, silencing them both. She told Hidan, "I should very much like to hear what you learned."

However influential she might be, she was only one person. She couldn't reshape all of reality. She couldn't change the dismissive, uncaring nature that Hidan saw in every human he met. He was surprised, then, at how good it felt to hear her say that. He reflexively pretended not to be affected at all. "I can tell you all about it later, after the big meeting. There's gonna be a big meeting."

"Has Ruta finished his document?"

"Yeah, and One-eye paid a visit to the vampires, and the dolls are in danger of turning into mercenaries."

"One-eye?" Original Yahiko asked. "Do you mean…Obito?" Konan's eyes sharpened. Nagato turned grim.

"Something something arguing with Soye," Hidan paraphrased, pleased at the reactions his words provoked. "He's got guts. I might come to respect him."

Konan placed a hand on top of his head. His fur bristled in response. She rubbed her hand back and forth, softly petting him. Electricity crackled down his spine. He closed his eyes in bliss. She moved her hand down to the back of his neck, which proved to be 3 times as sensitive as the top and sides of his head. He couldn't help but purr. "It is time to stop the games, Hidan," Konan said softly.

"The vampire lady is too militant," he said. His own voice sounded distant. It felt like he was in a trance, a wonderful trance from which he never wanted to awaken. "She's in danger of turning the dolls into soldiers. Obito went to tell her to stop it. Sending a rescue mission would just piss her off even more, so we're just sitting around waiting for him to come back."

"The document?"

"They found out what the dolls are good at and not good at. They're good at the types of magic that make for good soldiers, but there's some sort of reason to expect that they won't become warriors. That part wasn't really explained, just that the vampires might fuck it up."

Konan gently removed her hand from his head. Hidan slowly blinked his eyes open. It felt like awakening from a deep sleep. The first thing his bleary mind recognized was Konan giving him a smile. "Thank you for summarizing for us," she said.

Somehow, all of his problems seemed to melt away. She could not possibly have changed human nature by petting him, and yet… The world didn't seem so bleak anymore. He fell in beside her and followed her inside, wondering what had just happened.

Sasori and Itachi waited in the lobby. "We bring good news," Sasori told Konan.

"Not yet," Itachi called, holding up a hand. He peered across the road with the Sharingan. "I see movement. It seems that Obito has returned."

Obito

Obito had the dolls in Reverse Heel formation, so they stood on top of each other's heads to open the door. He waited for them to finish and followed them inside. Once they were all inside, he called out, "Warlic, Solis, Manta, Little One. Disperse." The dolls immediately started running around happily. Solis hugged Original Nagato's leg. Warlic and Little One took the white paper kite down from the lobby desk and somehow caused it to stiffen, allowing them to balance it precariously on one point in the very center of the skateboard. It looked like they were creating an artwork. Manta just ran around in a giant circle with his arms in the air.

Itachi hit Send on his phone. He told Konan, "Clone Yahiko went to the library. He should already be on his way back. I estimate less than ten minutes."

Original Nagato picked Solis up. The doll reached out for a cuddle. "They seem to be as childlike as before," he said, holding Solis at arm's length.

Obito got a sudden impulse, but hesitated to act on it. Original Hidan had no such hindrance. He went in front of Original Nagato and pushed Solis from the back, forcing Nagato's arms to fold inwards and allowing Solis to achieve his desired cuddle. Judging from Hidan's laugh and Nagato's awkward grimace, that was not done out of concern for Solis' feelings. Still, it's interesting that we got the exact same idea.

"Aww!" Original Yahiko exclaimed. "He looks so relaxed."

Nagato turned towards Obito, still holding Solis as stiffly as a statue. "Does that indicate that the mission was successful?" Obito nodded. "Is there a risk of war with the vampires?" Obito shook his head. "Excellent."

"We also have positive reports, and it appears that Ruta's efforts were successful," Konan said. "Let us all gather in the sunroom to share our reports."

.

The whole group gathered in the sunroom. Clone Hidan dragged himself out of bed, almost literally - he walked stiffly like he was having trouble staying upright. The dolls followed the humans in, naturally. After being informed that the discussion would be highly intellectual and abstract, Samehada freely volunteered to keep the dolls distracted on the other side of the room. Obito did not see Zetsu anywhere. Nobody else seemed to find that strange. The sharing of reports began as soon as everyone was seated. Kakuzu went first, reporting the conclusions they had reached after the second round of document creation. Obito found himself nodding along. He had been watching for Nature magic, but had not seen the dolls use any despite the lesson being explicitly focused on gardening. Itachi's hypothesis seemed very likely to be true.

Konan asked Obito to give his report next, since his activities were so closely related. He sat up straight and told everyone, "I went to the lesson with the dolls. Soye was very angry at first, but she listened to what I had to say. I told her that by locking up Warlic in order to punish the rest of them, she was using their caring feelings against them. The best-case scenario would have been that the dolls learned to obey anyone, even if they knew that the person could not be trusted. In the worst-case scenario, they'd stop caring about each other or humans and become little magical sociopaths. She agreed that my reasoning was good. She said if I was so interested in how they were disciplined, then I should be in charge of enforcing it. I spent the whole lesson calling out their names whenever they lost focus. It made my throat sore, but they're a lot happier."

Clone Yahiko grinned. "Did she say anything about your banishment?"

"Not out loud, but she heavily implied that she would only tolerate my visit today because I had a strong, well-reasoned purpose."

"Alright!" Clone Yahiko's grin widened. "I've always thought that rules are best enforced on a case by case basis."

Obito nodded. Having said his piece, he did not wish to speak any more. Not only was his throat sore, but the past several hours of focused effort had reminded him that he was only recently discharged from the hospital. If he hadn't worn a mask, he would've looked as exhausted as Clone Hidan.

"Hidan," Konan called. Both versions looked at her. "I hear that an important discovery related to religious matters was made today."

A pained look flickered across Clone Hidan's face and Original Hidan wrapped his tail around his legs. Original Hidan was the one who spoke. "I used Other Me as a test dummy to see what effect drawing a symbol of Jashin has on spiritual energies and shit. Turns out that the symbol gathers up nearby Jashinist energy, like a vacuum, and temporarily holds it together like it would be if it was in a body."

Almost everybody glanced at Clone Hidan and grimaced. "Yee-ikes," Kisame said. "Great discovery, but…"

Clone Nagato crossed his arms. In a voice that made it clear that he was demanding an answer, he asked, "What happens when you draw this symbol next to someone who has a lot of Jashinist energy inside them?"

Original Hidan's ears flattened back. "It pulls some of that energy out of them. Duh."

"And what else?"

"What do you mean, 'what else'?"

In an unusually soft voice, Original Nagato said, "It is time to stop the games, Hidan."

Original Hidan's eyes flashed and his fur bristled. It was as if Original Nagato had insulted his mother. Huh? That didn't sound insulting to me. Why is he so angry? Everyone else seemed just as confused as Obito, except for Konan, who put on her patient face. Thankfully, Original Hidan did not start a brawl in the sunroom. Instead he spat, "Ask Other Me. He's the one who knows what it felt like."

"Throw me under the bus, whydontcha, as if I don't have fucking enough to deal with," Clone Hidan snapped. This one sentence alone told everyone there that he had suffered far more than a mere energy drainage. Obito's hair stood on end. I don't think he sounded like that even after he raised three people from the dead. What happened?!

"You thought I was better than that? You were wrong," Original Hidan shot back. "Now start talking."

Clone Hidan looked furious, like his original had just a minute before. He actually straightened up and moved his legs as if he was going to lunge. But then he sagged, exhaustion catching up with him. "Fuck you," he muttered. He turned to face the rest of the group and said, "It's pure fucking luck that I managed to get out of the way of the vacuum effect. Could've lasered me in half. Then, as long as the symbol existed, I had to deal with feeling like I was being pulled in two, like I was in two already, sorta like the mind splitting that I can do with my scythe except nowhere near as controlled. Then this dumbass shoved me into the fucking thing, and I actually felt better, but in a really freaky way like I was floating above my own body. Then he broke the symbol and my whole fucking body shut down. I think a lot of luck was involved in surviving that, too."

Original Hidan's ears flattened back even further, somehow. An image sprang to Obito's mind of an alley cat cornered by dogs. He looked more closely at Original Hidan's face and saw the same desperate, go-down-fighting look that such a cat would have. As horrified as he felt for Clone Hidan, Obito couldn't help but have sympathy. He's scared. He looks like he expects everyone to line up and take turns punching him across the face. At that moment, Obito heard a sharp crack. He stopped breathing. Who made that sound?

No human was close enough to the walls to have inflicted such damage. The dolls were playing next to the walls. Could one of them have done it? Strangely, nobody else seemed to have heard the sound. Nobody else seemed startled or surprised in any way, except by what Clone Hidan had just described. "You pushed him into the symbol?" Kisame asked. "What - what the fuck - "

"I doubt that was necessary," Kakuzu growled.

"Did you agree to that?" Sasori asked Clone Hidan.

Before Clone Hidan could answer, Deidara said, "Who fucking cares?"

Obito looked around as frantically as he could without drawing attention to himself. Someone must have made that sound. Someone must have heard something they didn't like and slammed whatever they were holding onto the table. Nobody in the room held anything, but Obito knew what he had heard. He was very familiar with that sound. He could've recognized it among a symphony of similar sounds.

Yet nobody seemed to have noticed.

"For the record, he fucking did," Original Hidan spat. Nobody believed that, or if they did, it did not change how they felt.

"Hold," Konan barked. Everybody stopped speaking and moving. They looked to her for guidance. Obito released his breath. Konan did not look happy, but she spoke evenly and slowly. "The experiment as described was extremely foolish. We are lucky not to have lost a member today. Nothing of a similar nature must ever happen again." Only now did she look at Original Hidan. "This action is too reckless to ignore. Not only that, but it violates our code of operations. Kakuzu, fetch the code."

Everyone waited in silence for Kakuzu to return. Obito studied Original Hidan, who looked just as cornered as before. There are no tables in this room. The only hard furniture is the walls and door. Nobody is within reach of those. Nobody's holding anything. It couldn't have been that sound. But then, what had he heard? The sound of someone hearing something they don't like. The sound my father made…

Kakuzu returned with a sheet of paper. He sat down, held the page in front of his face and read off, "'Anybody who has not deliberately endangered a member of this or any allied group should be treated as a neighbor and welcomed as a guest.'"

Original Nagato asked, "What is the consequence for deliberately endangering one of those parties?"

His answer was dead silence. Nobody had ever dreamed up consequences. Nobody had ever envisioned the need for any, especially not for a rule-breaker who was a group member. How were they to punish one of their own?

Original Nagato sighed. "I have experience with maintaining order among a group like this. I can give suggestions. Konan?"

Konan nodded. "Three suggestions. Let's put it to a vote."

"Very well. My first is this: temporary banishment. Two weeks. No visitations. Violating the ban will result in its renewal. My second suggestion is the loss of something as precious to him as a group member is to us. My third suggestion is hard menial labor."

A vote was taken for each of those three options. Obito did not see what the results of the vote were. His thoughts were far away. I've experienced all three of those options.

"Obito?"

Obito looked up. The vote was finished and everyone was looking at him. Clone Yahiko was the one who had spoken. He looked concerned. "Are you gonna vote?"

How can I? Without moving his head, Obito glanced back at Original Hidan. Original Hidan now looked bored, as if he didn't care, as if he couldn't be touched. A lightbulb went off in Obito's mind. I understand why he looks like that. He's pretending to be like Madara. Earlier, the sound that I heard… It was like he was me.

Deep down, below the level of consciousness, Obito understood his lifemates better than he would've claimed to if asked. He'd never heard Zetsu, or anyone else, say anything about the nature of guardianship. Nonetheless, he knew all about it. He knew what was needed.

But he wasn't influential enough to act alone. He asked, "Am I the only one who didn't vote?"

"I'm too tired to vote," Clone Hidan muttered.

"Are you really?"

Clone Hidan rolled his head sideways to look at Obito. His face was so slack that even the Sharingan would've found it impenetrable. But when he spoke, his words were not apathetic. "Given those options, yeah."

"You disagree?" Konan asked.

"In case you haven't noticed, it's kinda sorta impossible for me to punish anyone while I'm in the same room as them."

Obito gulped. "Is - is that the only reason, or…?"

Clone Hidan closed his eyes. "I dunno."

He was clearly not going to be of any help. Obito saw no indication that anybody else had abstained from voting. What am I going to do? I can't do anything. I can't change anything. Not alone.

"You seem uncomfortable," Clone Yahiko said to Obito, looking more concerned. "Do you think the proposed punishments are wrong?"

"There must be a consequence," Original Nagato said gravely. "Abstain if you wish. The votes as they are now are conclusive enough."

Tears welled up in Obito's eyes. I can't do anything. It turned out that Option Number One, the two-week banishment, had the most votes. I can't just sit here. His recently-hospitalized body insisted that it wanted to do exactly that. Clone Yahiko looked just as troubled, but said nothing. I - I can't - it - it feels like I'm being torn apart -

Original Hidan shrugged. "Eh, fine. I've dealt with worse."

He was sent out into the forest for the first night of his two-week-long banishment. Up until the very moment he disappeared from sight, Obito thought that a miracle would occur. That he would find the strength to speak up, or that some unexpected ally would appear, or that someone would change their mind. But no; Original Hidan just vanished. One second he was there, the next, not.

"I never thought we'd ever have to punish one of our own for breaking the rules," Clone Yahiko said.

Original Nagato sighed. "When he returns, ask him if he considers himself to be one of our own. The answer is not certain."

Obito turned and went inside. He went directly to his room, where he closed the door and threw his mask onto the bed. Tears rolled down his cheeks. He sat on the bed and cried for a long time.

.

A/N: I didn't plan this. I don't know what's going on.

Well, at least I didn't have to struggle to find something to write. Thank you, Fate, source of all inspiration. I am grateful for this plot development and I can't wait to see where it goes.

Yeehaw!