A/N

Trigger warning: self harm / mental health / suicide

Very short chapter this time, but there's only so much that could happen from this pov before needing to move onto the next.

Chapter 13

"Right, what the hell is going on? Why kiss me in front of everyone? And why now" he asked, irritated.

"You think I had a choice?" Brendan leant against the sink cabinet

He huffed out a laugh in disbelief.

"What so funny?"

"I'm just, I'm glad?"

"You're glad? Why?" brendan questioned

"You didn't mean what you said about being done with me?"

"Did I not?"

"No" he tentatively walked closer to the older man "if everybody knows about you now then that means we can be together dun it"

The olderman man turned and stepped up until his nose was centimetres away from his.

"Ye think so?"

He nodded earnestly, he wanted this so badly. "In't that what you want?"

Brendan was so close to him he could feel his breath on his face as the olderman stared at his mouth as he spoke. He placed both his hands around Brendans neck stroking the sides.

"I was meant to kiss you back weren't i?"

Brendan hummed as he shifted from foot to foot, now starting at the floor rather than at him.

"Please" he whispered desperately "everythings changed now hasn't it"

Brendan raised his arms knocking his hands off from around his neck with his own and once again looked him in the eye, Brendan was jittery with adrenaline, he knew from past experiences this could go either way. Brendan bit the top of his finger before he leant in and placed a kiss on his lips before pulling away, using that same finger to trace the line of his jaw all the way back to his neck where he then secured his palm pulling him back into a passionate kiss.

They started removing each other's clothes as they stumbled their way into Brendans bedroom, shutting the door behind them. Brendan tugged at his t-shirt until it came over his head and he pushed him down onto the bed, he hit it with a thud. The Irishman removed his shirt, fixing him with his gaze the entire time before climbing on top of him and flattening him with his weight. They grappled with each other in lust at first until he realised that Brendan needed to be in charge of this, needed to be in complete control. He slowed his movements down and let Brendan pull the remainder of his clothes off, there was so much need in the man's movements that he happily gave himself over to him. This wasn't a night for extended foreplay, that much was clear, once they were both completely naked Brendan slid a condom on straight away, batting his hand away when he'd tried to do it for him.

Brendan had licked every inch of his neck before he spat on his fingers and started to work his hole open ever so gently. He panted softly into the older man's ear and carefully placed one hand on his shoulder and one on the small of his back to encourage him. Once he'd prepared him quickly, Brendan pushed inside causing him to gasp out. Brendan stopped his movement and looked into his eyes for confirmation, he gave him a nod and kissed him on the corner of his mouth letting Brendan resume his actions. Brendan used the crook of his elbow to lift his leg by the knee and get a deeper penetration, thrusting at a steady and powerful pace with his mouth open and placed against his neck, huffing hot air against it and wetting his skin.

Their bodies were so tightly entwined that the friction against his own dick was bringing him near the edge and the desire he could feel in Brendans movements and moans tipped him over, his climax causing his body to shudder and clench. The reaction his body had pulled Brendans orgasm out of him with an almighty grunt and his body stilled on top of him.

They lay coiled up, sweat dripping from Brendan's body on to his, breathing into one another.

There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things he wanted to ask, but it wasn't the right time, he knew that. It could wait till tomorrow, they had forever now, now things were different, now things were in the open. Brendan rolled off him and they both lay on their backs as they drifted off to sleep.

When he woke he was buried in Brendans armpit, with brendans arm wrapped tightly around his shoulders. The sun wasn't properly up yet, he could tell by the way the room was lit, he looked over at the clock, 4.45am. He felt Brendans armpit hair tickle his nose causing him to sneeze, it woke the older man from his slumber.

He grinned up at him, "Morning"

Brendan grunted in reply, sitting up and swinging his legs off of the bed, he sat with his hands either side, back hunched and head bowed.

Yesterday was a big day, Brendan had pretty much outed himself to everyone in the club, that news would be spreading through the village in no time, he was bound to feel out of sorts that the secret he'd tried to keep buried for so long was out.

"You alright?"

No answer.

"It's still early, we don't have to get up yet" he insisted

He slowly sat up in bed and fished on the floor for his boxers, putting them on when he found them. He crawled closer to Brendan, touching his back as he did so but Brendan flinched away. He was being cold, he knew he probably regretted what he did last night, but there was no taking it back now, and Brendan had been the one to start it all.

"How do you feel? You know, after last night, everything at the club?"

Brendan remained silent. He couldn't work this out, why Brendan had chosen to kiss him last night and why he was being like this now.

"It's over now, all the lies. We can start again" he said softly.

"Start what?" Brendan mumbled.

He crawled further across the bed so he was sat on the end of it next to the irishman.

"Start fresh, us, together, properly" he slid his hand into Brendans and held his fingers gently.

Brendan moved his head and stared at where their hands were joined.

"This is your fault"

He looked at him with confusion "what do you mean?"

Brendan gripped his fingers tightly, squeezing them until he grimaced in pain, he tried to pull his hand away but Brendan kept a hold of him.

"It's all because of you" Brendan hissed

He knew that look in Brendans eye, that detached look, the crazed stare, he was in trouble. He tried to pull away more forcefully

"I don't understand, you kissed me, you showed all them people that you're gay" he cried

"I'm not a filthy queer" he growled through gritted teeth, crushing his hand as he did so.

"Stop! Don't! You love me i know you do" he pleaded as he tried to yank himself out of Brendans grip.

Brendan grabbed him by the throat with his left hand and used his right to lay two blows to the side of his face. He fell to the ground and felt blood trickling down from a cut in his eyebrow, an old injury from his step dad that opened easily whenever someone hit him there. He tried to scramble away but felt Brendans hands on him again, showering him with punches to the head and ribs, he curled up as tightly as he could on his side with his back against the bedroom wall as he heard Brendans anguished screams as he delivered each blow until everything went black.

He woke up on the bedroom floor still curled up in the foetal position, he looked over at the clock again, 5.30am, he couldn't have been out for long. He gingerly pulled himself up from the floor and limped over to his clothes, he needed to get out of here. His ribs ached, his back, he could only see out of one eye, his lip was bust open, but he could walk. As he slowly pulled on his clothes he thought about Noah, a man who was kind and who actually wanted him, and how he'd not given him a second thought as he'd gone to bed with a man who hated him, who was disgusted by him, a man who could so easily beat him bloody. He was stupid enough to think this was the beginning for them, their final chance, he deserved everything he got for being that dumb. He crept out of the bedroom, petrified that Brendan was still home and he'd finish the job he started, as he got to the door he pulled his hood up and took a deep breath, his hands started to tremble and he couldn't open the door, he yanked hard on it and it opened but there was a wall behind it. He panicked, put his hands on the wall and tried to push

"Steven" Brendans voice, he spun round and could hear someone walking down the stairs.

No no no no no.

"Steven"

he tried to push on the wall again

The footsteps got louder he turned and looked back, but the voice was different this time. Simon appeared around the corner of the stairs, a smile on his face.

"Steven? Can you hear me?"

He blinked his eyes several times, they felt sore and scratchy. He looked around trying to get his bearings, there was a woman in blue standing beside him. He looked up at her blankly.

"There you are, how are you feeling love?"

It was Lyndsey.

"I… i don't.." he looked around him, he was in hospital. "How did I get here?"

"You're poorly, you have an infection. Brendan brought you in, but we're looking after you now."

He looked around him again in confusion. He was in a hospital ward, not A&E, there were three other beds in the room. He looked down at his arms which were both heavily bandaged, a drip coming out of his left. A wave of dread hit him, people knew, people knew what he'd been doing, and Brendan, he'd been talking to Brendan that's the last thing he remembered. He started to feel like he couldn't breathe, he tried to yank the drip out of his arm.

"Woah woah woah, calm down, it's ok" Lyndsey held his arms down and spoke steadily to him

"No its not" he whimpered

"It's all going to be fine, it's still early, not even 8. The doctor will be around shortly, and Amy is on her way here. You're going to be ok sweetheart"

He stopped fidgeting and lay his head back against the pillow, holding in a sob. His eyes felt heavy, nothing was going to be ok.

…..

He woke up sometime later, he could feel someone stroking his hand, he knew it would be Amy. Part of him wanted to keep his eyes closed so he didn't have to speak to her, so he didn't have to answer her questions or explain himself.

His face was turned away but he slowly opened his eyes and saw the curtain had been pulled around his bay. He rolled his head over and his blood ran cold.

In the chair by his bed sat Simon, his hand over his own, running his thumb over his palm.

He couldn't speak and his body started to shake as he looked the man in the eye.

Simon smiled at him, his sharp teeth showing as he did.

"Good to see you back with us, feeling better?" he spoke in a hushed tone.

He remained silent

"I hear you've been a silly boy Ste" he used his index finger to trace along his hand and up his bandages. He tutted as he stroked up and down them.

He looked at the bandages and then back to Simon questioningly.

"Brendan told me you see, told me you'd been doing crazy things for attention"

A lump formed in his throat, Brendan knew what he'd done. Brendan thought he was trying to get attention. Worst of all Brendan had confided in Simon about it, about him.

"You don't know anything" he croaked out

Simon chuckled and gripped his arm making him flinch.

"Oh but i do" he moved his hand and started stroking his face, he tried to pull back as far as he could but Simon could still reach him. "See, I think you might be about to do something very stupid. People are going to be asking a lot of questions about why you've been hurting yourself, and i want to make sure you don't put yourself in a position you can't get out of"

"Leave me alone"

"People think you're crazy, do you realise that? Only people who aren't right in the head do things like this" he pointed to his wrist. "And if you go telling porkies, they won't believe you, they'll think you're trying to get more attention."

"It wouldn't be a lie"

"Oh but it would, if something had really happened to you, you'd have gone to the police, you'd have told someone. The fact you kept it a secret shows you've got something to hide doesn't it? Hmm?"

"No," he whispered.

Simon smiled again "No one will ever believe you, no one." he ran his fingers through his hair and touched his lips, he flinched away. "You'll end up embarrassed and no one will want to speak to a crazy boy who makes up horrible little stories. I'm just trying to protect you Ste"

He could feel his lips trembling and tears forming in his eyes, he couldn't cry in front of Simon, he couldn't let him see how much control he had over him.

Simon stood, leant over and kissed him on the head before standing straight again. He could shout out, call for help, it was a hospital and there were people just on the other side of that curtain, but he couldn't say a word because Simon was right, he had his chance to get help the night it happened and now it was too late. He'd be branded a liar, a fantasist, attention seeker, all of the above. He didn't have many friends as it was, if people started to think he lied about things like this he'd lose everyone. He closed his eyes in anguish and when he opened them, Simon was gone.

…

The doctor had come around earlier, she told him he had sepsis but that it hadnt affected his internal organs yet, they were going to give him IV antibiotics to fight the infection and he'd be kept in for a couple of days to monitor him. She told him how lucky he was and that someone else would be coming to see him soon, another doctor, a doctor from a different department, the mental health department. He'd remained silent the whole time she spoke to him, he knew he must have been frustrating to treat.

He'd asked for the curtain to be kept closed throughout the morning, he couldn't face people. Lyndsey had come by again, given him some hospital pyjamas to change into rather than staying in the gown, she said it would do until Amy got there with some stuff for him. No one had been to check on him for a couple of hours now and he just couldn't get out of his own head.

"Hey you"

"Hi"

"Can't leave you alone for a second can i?"

"Why are you here?"

"Because i'm your friend and i told you i'm going to help"

"You can't, not now. It will never get any better"

"Come with me"

"Where?"

"I want to show you something, i want to show you how i can help"

No one stopped him as he left the room, or as he walked down the hall. No one stopped him as he left the ward and walked the corridors. No one saw him go through the fire escape and up the stairs. No one saw him go onto the roof.

"It's nice up here isn't it?"

"Why?"

"It's quiet, don't you think?"

"Yeah. yeah it is"

"Peaceful"

"I don't know what that is anymore"

"Peace?"

"Yeah"

"Because of what happened"

"Because it's still happening"

"It won't go away"

"Then how does it get better?"

"It doesn't"

"It can't get worse"

"It can always get worse"

"Is this you helping me?"

"Yes. I'm telling you the truth. Showing you how it is and how it could be"

"What do you mean?"

"Come to the edge with me"

He walked and stood up on the ledge of the roof, looking down on the world from 7 stories up.

"It's so different up here isn't it? Everything look different"

"I guess"

"Simpler"

"Maybe"

"You're never going to be the same"

"I know"

"Things will get harder"

"They might not"

"They will, people will start to find out. They'll treat you differently"

"I could leave"

"That will help for a while"

"Then i'll do that. Go to manchester with the kids"

"You think Amy will be ok with you around them, when she knows"

"I'm a good dad"

"I know, are they safe with you though?"

"I'd never hurt them. Never"

"You're not well"

"I can stop doing it. When i'm not around him anymore, when i don't have to see him"

"It's worse than that"

"No, its not"

"You can't see how bad it is, you don't know"

"It's not"

"You don't know what's happening. What's real"

"I do"

"You don't"

"No, No. Don't say that"

"Everythings different now, you're different, you can't get better"

"What if i got help"

"It's too late"

"Then what?"

"You could come with me"

"How?"

"It would be quick"

"What would?"

"If you just take my hand, it will all go away"

"But the kids"

"They'll be better off, in the long run"

"They'll miss me"

"For a little while"

"I'll miss them"

"No you won't, everything will be better, after"

"Do you promise?"

"I promise Ste. The pain will stop, you won't have to be scared or alone anymore. It will all be over"

"Will it hurt?"

"Only for a second"

"And you'll be with me?"

"Forever. Me and you"

"Ok"

The roof door crashed open behind startling him enough that he almost lost his balance.

"STEVEN!"

Brendan? He looked over his shoulder to see Brendan stood there, wide eyed, Lyndsey came running up behind him out of breath.

"Steven, what are you doing? Get down!"

"Its ok, it's all going to be ok" he called back

"Ste please, just step down so we can talk" Lyndsey pleaded.

"I can't, we've got to go"

"Steven! Stop messing around, get down" Brendan yelled.

"He'll hold you back, he won't let you be free"

"I will be"

"You will be what?" Lyndsey called

"He'll ruin this"

"No he wont, i know now, i understand"

"Understand what?" Lyndsey cried

"Who are you talking to?" Brendan yelled

"Ste, don't listen to them. They can't help you, not the way i can"

"STEVEN! Who are you talking to?!" Brendan Shouted

He smiled and looked back at Brendan.

"Rae, im talking to Rae"

Please review