A/N: 2024 update: This entire chapter was rewritten from the ground up. The original one, while cute, wasn't what I was going after. I think this one is much better. Granted it's twice as long now, but I like it!

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to BioWare and EA. For entertainment only!

Bai mu - Stupid

An entire week went by since Jenna's rather embarrassing departure from the cockpit. She didn't avoid Joker outright, but she didn't make an effort to visit him as often as she used to. Every time she saw him, the subtle feeling of butterflies fluttered in her stomach and it scared the hell out of her. She would stumble over her words, fidget with her uniform, or forget how to speak all together. It was an uncomfortable feeling for her and she chose to avoid it if at all possible. But her choice wasn't without its consequences. Joker's mood started to become less humorous and lighthearted to more sullen and bitter sarcasm. It got to the point where he blew Shepard off completely whenever she came to check on him.

After grabbing the last two recruits and taking care of some business for Miranda on Illium, things were starting to get tense aboard the ship for everyone. Shepard declared a 72-hour shore leave to which the crew happily complied. At least with the crew gone, she could talk to Joker and explain what was going on. But he wasn't at his station when she went to find him. Jenna tilted her head to the side and uttered a confused noise.

"EDI, where'd Joker go?" she asked, looking back towards the CIC.

The blue orb popped up at her holographic station. "Mr. Moreau is at the Eternity Bar with the intention of forgetting the past week's events."

Jenna snapped her attention to the AI. Her heart sank into her stomach. "He said that?"

"Yes."

She pushed her bangs back and forced out a breath."Fuck. What have I done?" Shepard clenched her eyes shut for a moment. "Thank you, EDI."

"Logging you out, Shepard."

A few of the crew recognized her and called greetings out to her as Shepard entered the bar. She politely returned their greetings and continued to scan the bar for her pilot. She was taken aback by his civilian dress. He wore a dark jacket with a simple gray t-shirt and jeans. Even with his hat, Shepard still found her pilot in a sea of people. Joker had found a small table to himself in the back of the bar near the railings overlooking Nos Astra. He was slouched in the chair, one hand tilting his empty glass and the other on the bottle of bourbon the bartender gave him. Every so often he would reach down and tug uncomfortably at his braces. It'd been a while since he'd worn them, but he figured walking back to the ship drunk without them would be a horrible idea.

He was about to pour out another shot when a second empty glass slid over and tapped his own. He glared at the glass a moment before looking up to find Shepard standing there. She wore her black N7 zipped hoodie, a black undershirt underneath over fitted blue jeans. Around her neck the chain of her hidden dog tags that Liara recovered for her peeked out slightly from her collar. "Hey. Mind if I join you?" she asked quietly

Joker gave her a sidelong glance and scoffed, taking a swig of his drink. "Why? So you can ignore me at the table too?" His words were slightly slurred as he growled at her.

Jenna snorted to herself lightly and shook her head. "Okay, I deserved that." Her features softened slightly as she asked him again. When he gestured to the chair across from him, she grabbed the bottle and poured herself some of the amber liquid. It rippled in her glass as she swirled the cup around before downing the shot. She mulled over her words and let out a small sigh. "Jeff, I'm sorry I-"

Joker cut off with a wave of his hand as he glared at her. "Look, Shepard, I don't need you to coddle me. I'm not some teenager that needs to be told everything will be okay. Pretty sure at 30, I can handle rejection," he snapped bitterly.

Shepard glared at him and sat up straight. "Bai mu! Will you shut the fuck up and let me talk?" Joker held her glare and sulked slightly. "I came here to talk to you as an adult, you jackass. But if you would rather I just go...?"

Joker's glare lost some of its bite as he let out a slow, forced sigh and shook his head. "No, it's fine. I'm...sorry."

Jenna took in a long, deep breath trying to center herself. She hurt him and the only thing she was doing was biting back at him for being understandably upset. It wasn't how she wanted this conversation to go. Shepard leaned forward on her arms and looked into her glass. "Look, this isn't easy for me. I've always kept people at arm's length. When people get close to me they leave or they die. It happened when my sister died. It happened when my squadmates, my closest friends at the time, all died on Akuze. Shit, even my own father took my mother with him when he decided to leave this existence." Jenna crossed her arms across her chest. "I let my guard down on the Normandy and let others in. I became friends with Kaidan, Ashley..." She looked up at Joker. "...You."

The angry bitterness started to ebb away as Joker listened to her talk. As she gave more details, things started to make some sense. But she still avoided him for an entire week. All he wanted was to have her just talk to him. Instead she stopped coming by except for daily reports. He wasn't ready to let go of that hurt just yet. So he let her continue talking.

"After we lost Kaidan, I tried to keep those friendships as close as I dared. I was able to keep everyone alive after the battle of the Citadel, so I thought my curse was over. Of course, I died, but you were all still alive." Joker cringed slightly at her reminder of the loss the Normandy. Shepard sighed and shook her head. "They told me two years had come and gone. I had such difficulty wrapping my head around that concept until we landed on Horizon. Hearing the pain in Ash's voice, that betrayal, it finally hit me. Everything changed."

Joker scoffed and took a sip of his bourbon. "Yeah? It wasn't exactly a cake walk for the rest of us, you know." He stiffened slightly as he heard his voice say that out loud. That wasn't supposed to leave his thoughts. He risked a glance up at Shepard and saw that she wasn't offended. In fact, she was sad.

"That's just it. I don't know. I lost my sight in the blackness of space. I knew I was dying. I wasn't supposed to come back. But then I woke up and I was surrounded by strangers. For me, it was a night's sleep. But for the rest of you..." Her voice trailed as her fingers trailed around the rim of her glass. Joker wanted so badly to take her hands in his and just tell her it's alright. It wasn't something he was used to. None of this was. Something told him that he needed to wait. So he did.

"After Horizon, I was so broken. I was scared that I had lost everything. So I shut myself away. But you...you came up to see me. And instead of pushing you away, I was comforted by you. I felt safe with you." She poured another shot and threw back the liquid before continuing. "Then you let me fly with you. You gave me your sky and I felt safe. But then that reminder that everyone I knew, everyone I cared for was gone or leaving, hit me. I told myself I was too close. So I jumped away."

Joker's jaw slacked slightly. He finally understood. She didn't avoid him because she was rejecting him. She was just like him. For most of his life, Jeff built up walls to keep people out. He was either pitied or rejected because of his disability and he hated it. He would rather keep people at arm's length to avoid any hurt. Jenna was the same. She was pitied because of Akuze, or ostracized because she was brought up in a gang. It was easier to avoid everyone than face the heartache that came with rejection. Finally, he reached out and slipped his hands into hers. Jenna slowly looked up at him and into his eyes. He saw zero pity there. What he saw was pure, unfiltered pain.

"Jeff, I wasn't avoiding you because I was rejecting you. I was avoiding you because I was afraid." She squeezed his hands with her own. "You've always been there for me. Hell, you were the first one to come back. I was afraid of losing you. I was afraid because you've always been..." she trailed off and looked down at the table.

"A friend?" he softly finished for her.

Jenna nodded and sighed. Not the word she was thinking of, but the one she was resigned to hearing. "I was afraid of ruining that." She looked up at him again. "You're all I have left, Jeff."

Joker scoffed and allowed himself a small smile. "So, what? Am I supposed to just forget the last week of hell you put me through?"

"Heh, no. I fully expect you to berate me for about a week. Then remind me at least once a month. And then just to add insult to injury, just when I think we've made our way past it, bring it up when I least expect it. Just like the toaster incident you so love to remember." That brought a full laugh from her pilot. Jenna reached for the bottle of bourbon and poured them both another round. She slid Joker's glass towards him and lifted her own. "How about we just start over?"

Joker tilted his head to the side. "Start over?"

"Yeah. Tonight, let's try again. I'm not Commander Shepard. You're not Lieutenant Moreau. We're just Jenna and Jeff."

"I..." Joker chuckled and met his glass to hers. "I'd like that. Starting over, it is."

As the early evening started to pass, both Jenna and Jeff exchanged stories about their lives before the Alliance. He shared with her how he loved watching the ships passing through the Arcturus Station when his mother was stationed there. Jenna shared that she used to break into the tallest buildings in Beijing so she could get the best view of the stars at night. As the conversation continued, both the commander and her pilot began to relax. The timeline of stories started to move up to more recent times. They both started to reminisce about their early years in the Alliance, and then to their time shared on the Normandy.

Finally, a curious inquiry came to Jenna's mind. She sipped down the rest of the alcohol in her glass and rested her chin on interlaced fingers. "I've got a curiosity that's been eating at me for a month now."

Joker suddenly grabbed his glass, trying to hide behind it. Panic raced through his mind. Shit, not now. Please, not now... He silently pleaded.

"That dream of yours, the one where you mumbled my name a few times?"

Fuck! No! Don't ask. Please, don't ask. Don't. Ask!

"I take it-" Jenna's teasing grin faded when she saw the panic in her pilot's face. Joker set his glass down and groaned. "It wasn't a good dream, was it?"

"No." He got up and walked over to the railing and leaned against it. When he felt Jenna's hand against his back he hunched up and looked away. She leaned against him and snaked her arm around his, resting her hand on his forearm. He refused to look at her as his nightmare burned through his mind.

Her voice was a soft whisper as she leaned closer into him. "Jeff, please. Talk to me. You've always been there for me. It's my turn. Please, let me be there for you."

He looked over at her and gave a defeated sigh. Jeff looked up into the darkening Illium sky and closed his eyes. "Every night, I see the Normandy fall apart around me. I know she's gone, but I keep trying to save her. I refuse to leave my seat believing if I can just keep trying, I'll be able to save the ship. Then you come to save me. You grab my stubborn ass out of that chair by my arm and belt and you make sure I make it into the escape pod. Just as you're about to jump in yourself, an explosion separates us. I tried to reach out for you, but you slammed the pod shut. The last thing I see before I slide down the hull is you drifting away." Jeff sucked in a shuddering breath. "I lost everything in that attack. If I hadn't stayed to try and save the ship you wouldn't have had to come back for me. It was my fault you died."

Jenna frowned and squeezed his arm. "Jeff, I've never blamed you for what happened."

"No, but I do, and nothing..." Joker pulled his arm away from her and stepped to the side to create some distance. "I stayed to try and save a dying ship. I stayed because I didn't want to admit that we were lost. Because I stayed you had to come back for me. Because I stayed, it's my fault that-"

"Stop it!" Jenna snapped, startling him. His attention quickly snapped to her. "There was no way to know that was going to happen. That ship was your life. Given the freedom it gave you, I would have done the same thing!" Jenna closed her eyes and shook her head. "Bound to that chair or not, I would have come back for you. And I would do so again, and again, and again. Jeff, I came back for you because I..." He wasn't looking at her anymore when she looked up. She could tell by his shudders that he was holding back his emotions. Joker was never one to show vulnerability, always hiding behind his wall of sarcasm. Just like her, he kept everyone at bay. It took a great deal of trust for either of them to drop their defenses and let someone else in. And Jenna trusted this man with everything she had.

She gently cupped her hand on the side of his face and turned him to look at her. Her thumb brushed away a stray tear that fell before she pressed her forehead against his under his hat. Just like he was there for her, she was going to be there for him. "I came back for you because I wanted to make sure you were safe." He shuddered as he drew in a breath. "I came back for you because I loved you. I always have." Jenna pressed her lips against his in a soft kiss. Before she could pull away to gauge his response, Jeff wrapped his arms around her and pulled her further into him. He was slow and deliberate as he took everything in. The warmth of her hands on his back. The taste of bourbon on her tongue. The smell of her soap on her skin. All of it. She broke down his seemingly impenetrable wall that he built up over the years with three simple words he had been dying to say himself but could never find the courage.

He broke away and held her close. He promised himself he was never going to leave her and he was going to make damned sure he kept that promise. "I love you, too," he whispered.