A/N: It's another 2024 Update! This one got a few grammatical updates as well as one major change. There was a very inappropriate joke that I used back then and it was highly insensitive to the LGBTQ+ community. I have since removed it in place of an idiotic lightbulb joke. To answer the question, it's 4. 1 to hold the lightbulb and 3 to turn the ladder.

Disclaimers as per usual: Mass Effect belongs to BioWare and EA, y'all.

(rough)Translations:

-Da shu jinu de sishengzi - Rat bastard son of a whore
-Chenmo - Silence
-Lainmin de yuangu - For pity's sake

Joker could tell by the heavy footfalls behind him that Shepard's arrival into the cockpit wasn't for idle chatter. She needed to vent and lately he'd become her target. Not that the pilot could blame her, especially after the Illusive Man tricked the entire crew into believing they were being sent to a disabled Collector vessel. He wasn't too thrilled about it himself, but Joker had ways to vent his frustrations. Shepard, on the other hand? Just thinking about what would happen if anyone ever told her to shut up while venting sent visible shivers through his whole body. The woman didn't have a huge temper, and kept it in check most times. But when it was let loose, it was a horrible explosion of words. Sometimes even gunfire for the rare occasion her temper was let loose on the battlefield.

As the angry words started to get louder, Joker just turned his head to look over his shoulder. He followed her as Jenna slumped against the rail, her arms fiercely crossed against her chest. "Da shu jinu de sishengzi! If he dares pull something like that again, the Reapers will be the last of his problems! Risking the lives of my crew like we're nothing but tools for him to use," she seethed.

The pilot tilted his head to the side a little and narrowed his eyes. "Rat and bastard. I've heard those come out of your mouth several times before," he said nonchalantly. "You really should teach me sometime."

Shepard raised a questioning brow at him. "Teach you Mandarin?" She scoffed at him. "What, and lose the edge I have over you? Pah!"

"Edge, right." Joker looked her up and down for a second, back at his console, and then at her again. Jenna mimicked his gesture and tilted her head to the side. "Where is your uniform jacket?" Shepard was in her usual Cerberus Officer dress, sans jacket. Her black standard issue undershirt showed off more than he was used to seeing, distracting him from his work. Jenna huffed and seemed to not notice the color starting to tint her pilot's face.

"I was so pissed about what happened that I tripped on the stairs in my cabin and spilled coffee on it." Joker stifled a laugh with a cough. "I dealt with it during my meeting but ended up throwing it in the debriefing room both out of disgust and just wanting it off."

Joker bit his lower lip, trying to keep his mouth in check, but the opportunity that presented itself was just too much. "So, what you're saying is that I really need to piss you off more often so I can get-"

Shepard stood up straight and glared at him. "Chenmo! If you even think about finishing that sentence, I swear I will have you tossed out the nearest airlock!" Joker gave a mock pout and tried his best to look hurt. Shepard seemed to lose some of her tension and allowed herself a laugh at his poor attempt.

"Hey, at least you didn't come out of there empty handed? Didn't you find a shiny new toy out there?"

Jenna grinned and half-lidded her eyes. "Yeah, an M-98 Widow Sniper Rifle. I've only dreamed about firing a rifle with that much power. Something that powerful would shatter a man's shoulder." She frowned and prodded at her shoulder. "Thanks to Cerberus, this isn't exactly a normal shoulder." Shepard uncrossed her arms and crossed her ankles instead as she casually leaned back against the rail. "I even gave it a name because of you!"

With a sidelong glance, Joker gave her a wary look. "Dare I ask what you decided to name it?"

"Bunny," she deadpanned. The pilot's face dropped into complete and utter confusion. Shepard kept her straight face as she explained. "What was it you said? Something, something, about...oh yes." She cleared her throat in a theatrical cough. "Why's it always claws and guns? Can't we piss off a fuzzy planet? Still dangerous but hey, bunnies!" she mocked. "Or how about when I asked you about the old days and the term 'sunshine and bunnies' came out of your mouth?"

Joker groaned inwardly, running his hand down his face. "You named your gun, Bunny..."

Shepard put both hands on the armrest of his chair and leaned against them. "With your help. I think the big, badass Lieutenant has a soft spot for fuzzy animals," she purred. Ever since their confessions on Illium, Shepard made it a habit to push the boundaries of their flirtations towards each other. While they kept interactions mostly professional, there were occasions when they believed no one was around that they would pick on each other.

A devious smile spread across the pilot's face as he leaned back into his chair. "I could show you a few other things I have a soft spot for."

"Oh, could you now? Why don't we-" Before Shepard could finish her answer, she caught sight of Miranda heading towards the cockpit and stood up straight. Whether the Cerberus Operative heard or saw their flirting was unknown to her, but Jenna held her face straight. "Miranda," she greeted with a quick nod in her direction.

Joker kept his disappointed sigh quiet enough so neither woman heard him. And snap back into Commander-mode. Fucking hell, Miranda. Could your timing suck any worse?!

Miranda's reply was equally polite, but held a bit more respect than it used to. "Commander, we need to take our next course of action. I would suggest the Derelict Reaper as a starting point."

Shepard disagreed with a shake of her head. "While I'm sure getting the IFF should be our priority, we still have a few unresolved issues amongst our specialists. Going into another unknown situation without everyone thinking straight could be just as disastrous as going into the field knowing full and well what we're up against. We still have an issue with Grunt that needs to be taken care of before he tears out a bulkhead."

"At least if he does that, it'll solve our problem," Joker quipped.

Shepard sighed and looked down at her pilot. "As funny as that would be, it would also take out whoever is in engineering at the time as well as put a hole in your pretty ship."

"Good point."

"Mordin has also brought an issue to me involving one of his former students," she continued. "Fortunately it's also on the same planet, Tuchanka. The well being of my crew is my first priority right now. Don't worry about the dead Reaper. I doubt it's going anywhere."

Miranda gave a smart nod of agreement. "Understood, Commander. Let me know if you need anything else."

Once Miranda was gone, Joker took the opportunity to continue their last conversation. "So, about those bunnies?"

"Nope," Jenna replied flatly.

"Aw, dammit." Joker hung his head and plotted a course for the Aralakh System. He was taken by complete surprise when Shepard's hands flung around his chair to steal his hat. Joker made a vain attempt to get it back as she jumped out of his reach.

She let her rigid commander stance break only for a mocking grin before turning about. "You want this back, you know where to find me." she cooed, waiving his precious hat back and forth.

Joker's jaw slacked as he watched her disappear to the back of the CIC and into the elevator. "That woman is the devil..."

Because a life was at stake, Shepard took on Mordin's request first. The mission was simple and straightforward: Find Maelon and rescue him. What they were looking for and what they found were two completely separate things, however. Maelon wasn't in any danger at all when they found him. In fact, he was working of his own free will. After some slight convincing, Mordin chastised Maelon and abandoned him to find a new path in life. Shepard persuaded the professor to keep the data that Maelon worked on instead of destroying outright before sending him back to the ship to unwind.

Grunt's problem wasn't a health issue at all, much to Shepard's relief. He was just coming of age and in need of direction. At Wrex's proposal, Grunt took part in the Rite of Passage. The area surrounding the Keystone didn't sit well with Jenna. There were pillars in several places. A few of them looked fragile by her standards, and being the marksman she was, there were few places for her to hide. But having a trigger-happy krogan and an equally skilled turian marksman at her side put her mind at ease.

The trio made quick work of the varren and klixen that were thrown at them as part of the Rite. As Shepard slammed her fist into the switch for the Keystone, a feeling of dread fell into the pit of her stomach. The ground shivered and trembled as something stirred underneath their feet, searching for a weak spot in the ground to emerge. The tremors began to pull long dead memories to the forefront of her thoughts. As she pulled her favored rifle from her back, several tentacles breached the surface.

She could hear the panicked screams of her squad as a giant serpent ripped through them.

Her heart started to race as her eyes shot across the field.

She could see her Sergeant melt from the acid spew of the giant leviathan.

A single shot from Garrus to one of them seemed to scare them away, leaving an eerie silence in their wake.

She could see the Private she pushed out of harm's way get snatched up by another leviathan breaking through the dirt.

It wasn't until the boulders flew from the ground and the massive head snaked from the ground that Shepard froze out of pure and utter terror.

She hit the ground hard as she was thrown from yet another Maw crawling from the ground. Her face screaming from the gash sliced across her nose.

"Shepard, MOVE!" were the last coherent words she understood before she dove behind the concrete pillar.

Joker had his hat pulled down over his eyes as he napped at the helm. The subtle beeps and pings the ship made lulled him into a drowsy state that he ultimately succumbed to. Those little pings gave way to a rather annoyed sounding turian trying to get his attention over the comm. The pilot snorted lightly, lifting his head a little before his chin fell back into his chest as he drifted back asleep. Garrus finally shouted Joker's name through the comm, making the pilot jump from the sudden pain caused to his ear.

"What?!" he snapped through the comm. "You better have a good reason for interrupting my concentration, Garrus."

A two-toned scoff vibrated through Joker's earpiece. "I'm pretty sure whatever it was you were 'concentrating'on can wait. We have a problem down in the cargo hold."

Even though Garrus couldn't see it, Joker raised a questioning eyebrow. "I don't deal with those kinds of problems. You should probably ask Jacob to check the hold. I wouldn't exactly know-"

"-Shepard has locked herself in the Hammerhead," he breathed.

Joker blinked in confusion. Oh, that's just...dammit. "What makes you think I can get her out?"

"Because she won't listen to anyone else on the ship. I've tried to talk her out of the tank, but she keeps telling everyone she's doing calibrations. You're the only one who can actually get through to her."

"And you're sure of this, how?"

There was an audible sigh from Garrus. "You two aren't as subtle as you both think. I'm surprised you, Mr. Scuttlebutt, didn't know about the betting pool about you and Shepard."

"How...what...who the hell started that?"

"I'm fairly positive it was Gabby in engineering. After Ken told her what happened when he and Shepard dragged your sorry ass back to the ship, she started a betting pool on the off-chance that you weren't being a complete moron. Judging by your reaction, I just lost thirty creds. Thanks."

Joker swore he heard some jealousy in the turian's voice as he blurted out his knowledge of the Commander's relationship with him. He couldn't help but bring his palm to his face and sigh. "Alright, fine. I'll be there in a few minutes." Joker hobbled his way down to the hold, muttering irritated obscenities to himself as well as plans to cause bodily harm to the engineering crew. Once at the Hammerhead, he stood in front of the door and sighed. Most of the ground team were down in the hold from either trying to get Shepard out or to be an audience. "Open the door, Shepard."

There was a muffled snort before a response came out. "Getting Joker down here isn't going to change the fact that I'm busy. As I said before, I'm calibrating the hovering systems. This thing handles like crap."

"You couldn't drive the MAKO without flipping it over! Which STILL baffles me to this day! What makes you think you can drive this thing?!"

"Joker, if you were trying to convince me to let you in here, you are failing horribly."

"Who said I had to convince you to do anything? I could just have EDI open the door for me." A moment of silence went by before the soft click of the lock being released broke it. Joker looked over at the shocked faces and shrugged. "You guys didn't think to even ask our irritatingly useful AI to open the door? Or was this just your elaborate plot to see who wins the pot?" Innocent glances looked away. Joker sighed and rolled his eyes. "And you all say -I- need to find a hobby?" The pilot shook his head and climbed into the hover tank.

He found Shepard carefully studying what looked like streams of data and a video feed. Quiet words he couldn't recognize mumbled from her throat as she flicked her hand across the console, replaying the last video feed. Joker watched it a little more closely then froze when he saw what she was watching. It was the thresher maw she faced on Tuchanka. The data stream was the vital signs from her hardsuit showing her metabolic rate dangerously high. Without any words, Joker reached out to touch her shoulder, but Jenna shifted away from his hand.

She glanced over at him and noticed that her movements made him recoil out of frustration. "Sorry, I'm not trying to brush off your concern. It's just that my suit is still spotted with whatever the hell that thing hit me with despite decon. And while I'm sure the acids are harmless to my hardsuit, I'm fairly sure you'll lose your hand rather painfully if you touch it." Her voice was alarmingly calm for someone who faced one of their biggest fears and came out nearly unscathed.

"Jenna, what happened?"

Shepard sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "I'm still trying to figure that out. The last thing I remember was seeing this thing burst out of the ground and Garrus telling me to find cover. Everything from that point on is a blur."

Joker slid into the chair next to her and was surprised to find that like his own chair in the cockpit, it moved. "But you've faced a Maw before."

Jenna shook her head. "There's a big difference between the heavy armor plating of the MAKO and a concrete slab." Shepard slid the video feed away and focused her attention on the vital signs. "Everything here says I was in a state of shock, but the video feed has me gunning this thing down. It's like I was acting on pure instinct." She forced out a breath and leaned back in the chair. "I'm just going to file this under extreme training being worth it."

"Well, at least the Marines did something good for you, right? I mean, what do they need brains to fire a gun for?" Joker smirked.

"Yes, well, don't ask me what my favorite flavor crayon is and I won't ask you how many sailors it takes to screw in a light bulb."

Joker hissed in mock pain. "Ouch, Commander! Low blow."

Jenna chuckled and closed the link from her hardsuit to the tank before leaning closer to her pilot. "So tell me, what brought you down to the cargo hold? Aside from my well-being that is."

The pilot rolled his eyes and forced out a laugh. "Apparently, our lovely crew decided to have a betting pool on whether or not we were in a relationship. Instead of using EDI to open the tank doors, Garrus called me down here." Shepard opened her mouth to say something but Joker cut her off. "You can thank Gabby for starting that pool, by the way."

Shepard sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "With a ship this size, it was only a matter of time before someone found out. This does not mean, however, you can get away with pawing at me while on duty, Lieutenant!" Joker gave her a shocked, innocent look and placed his hand over his heart.

"I would never!"

"Yeah, right. I mean it, Moreau. Keep your hands to yourself." He threw his hands up in defense and gave a mock defeated sigh. "Now then, we still have that IFF to get." A cute, pleading grin spread across Shepard's face as she leaned closer to Joker. "Can I help you fly to the next relay?"

Joker scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest. "The last time I let you do that, you nearly broke my leg jumping out of the chair. Besides, wouldn't that go against your 'No touching while on duty' rule?" Shepard gave him her best puppy-dog pout and whimpered. Joker bit his lip as he attempted to hold back his laugh, but failed and doubled over in fits of laughter. "Promise me you won't ever do that again, and I'll let you do whatever you want!"

Shepard sat up with a wicked grin. "Is that so? Well maybe I should-" She stopped herself when she noticed movement out of the corner of her eye. Both the pilot and the commander looked over at the door to find the entire ground team crowded around it, watching them. Shepard glanced over at Joker before getting up to chase them out of the cargo hold. "Lainmin de yuangu, will you people find something better to do?! Out, all of you! Now!"