It was a quiet evening, just Lou and me like it had been since Nathan left four days earlier. She'd handled everything perfectly. Better than I could have hoped for, really. And yet, there was always that gnawing doubt in the back of my mind—when would I push her too far? When would the reality of my condition become too much for her? Lou said she was ready for this life, but I wouldn't blame her if she decided it was too much. Part of me might even feel relieved if she told me she couldn't do this anymore.
With those thoughts swimming in my mind, I started to drift off in my chair, the rhythmic hum of the TV lulling me into a half-sleep, when I felt a familiar tingling at the base of my spine. My heart stuttered in my chest. No, not now. I'd been doing so well. I hadn't had any major medical issues since August when I had PE. Somehow, I thought I had turned a corner. Sure, the constant pain was there, an apparition hanging over me day and night. But with Lou around, it was starting to become more bearable. Why was this happening now? This was our first real test.
A powerful sensation crept up my body—the pressure, the tightness, my pulse quickened. I clenched my teeth and tried to call out for her, but my voice came out weak, strangled.
"Clark..."
She didn't hear me at first. My vision started to blur around the edges; my head pounded like a very loud, unwanted drumline. Panic shot through me. My body felt like it was on fire; like I was trapped beneath the weight of something unbearable.
"Clark," I gasped again, a little louder this time as the inferno raged through me.
She turned, her eyes going wide as she saw me. She rushed to my side, and I could see the fear flash across her face. But then, just as quickly, it was gone, replaced by calm determination.
"It's okay. I've got this," she said, her voice steady even though I could see her hands trembling slightly. She dropped down beside me, checking my catheter first, her fingers working quickly, methodically.
I felt the world start to close in around me. My chest was tight, my skin damp with sweat. The pain was relentless, a pressure building behind my eyes.
"Bladder's full," she murmured, more to herself than to me. I couldn't see what she was doing, but I'd experienced this enough to know she was probably checking my leg bag. She ran out of the room and returned a few seconds later with a bedpan and emptied the bag into it. The relief was almost immediate, but it wasn't enough. My heart still raced in my chest, and I could feel the sweat rolling down my face.
"Hang on, Will. I'm going to cool you off," she said. She placed her cool hands on my face, and I closed my eyes, already feeling some release.
The next thing I knew, she had a cool, damp cloth pressed against my forehead and the back of my neck. It felt like heaven—just enough to take the edge off the searing heat pulsing through me.
Lou stayed close, her presence a steady anchor as she checked me over, loosening my clothes, making sure nothing was pinching or causing irritation. Her brow furrowed in concentration, her hands moving with purpose.
My body slowly began to calm. The pain eased, and the pressure in my chest started to lift. I could breathe again.
Lou wiped the sweat from my forehead, her hand lingering there momentarily. "You're okay," she whispered, more to herself than me.
I slumped back in my chair, too weak to do anything.. She had handled it—just like Nathan would have. Hell, better than Nathan. And she didn't panic. Not this time.
As the attack subsided, I felt a wave of exhaustion wash over me, but beneath it all, there was something else.
Relief.
I hadn't realized how much I'd been holding on to that fear. Fear that something like this would happen while Nathan was away, fear that Lou wouldn't be able to handle it. But she did. She handled it perfectly.
"I'm sorry…" I croaked, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Sorry?" She laughed softly, shaking her head. "Will, don't be ridiculous. You have nothing to apologize for."
I closed my eyes, trying to keep the guilt at bay. I hated this—hated that she had to deal with it, that she had to take care of me like this.
"You shouldn't have to—"
"Stop," she cut me off, her voice firm. "I'm here because I want to be, Will. I'm not going anywhere."
I opened my eyes to look at her, and for a moment, the weight of everything—the AD attack, my condition, all the limitations we faced—seemed to fade away. All I could see was her. Her determination. Her love. Her absolute refusal to give up on me.
She gave me a small, reassuring smile. "I've got you," she whispered.
And somehow, for the first time in a long time, I believed her.
Later that evening, she got me undressed and into my pajamas and helped me into bed. I watched her in awe as she lifted me onto the bed and positioned me under the duvet. She was bloody amazing. A valkyrie. I still couldn't believe how well she handled herself earlier. If I had any lingering doubts about Lou, they were starting to disappear.
"Can you adjust my pillows, please, Clark," I asked softly.
"Of course," she said and fixed them just the way I liked them.
As she leaned over me, I could smell the scent of her perfume. She smelled incredible as always, and I wanted very much to hold her in my arms. A hint of frustration seized me, but I was determined not to allow that to ruin the moment.
"Thank you for earlier," I said again.
Her hands paused, and she sat down beside me. "Will, you never have to thank me for doing that. I'm just so glad I remembered what to do. I remember the first time this happened. I felt so helpless. So afraid and stupid. Everything was right in your book, but I still didn't know what to do."
I smiled warmly at her. "You'd only just started. It could have happened to anyone."
She shrugged. "Maybe, but I still felt awful about it. I promised myself if something like that ever happened again, I would make sure I was ready. I hate that I had to put my resolve to the test, but I'm so glad I didn't do anything to make it worse."
"You were amazing, Louisa," I said, using her first name. "I mean it. I never saw anything more beautiful. I wasn't even afraid."
"Really?" She gave me a dubious look.
"Well, maybe a little. But I knew you could do it. I was right."
She took my dead hand and brought it to her lips, kissing my knuckle gently. "Thank you for believing in me."
"Always. I'll always believe in you."
She unfolded my fingers, and I could feel her skin against my good thumb before she brought my hand to her face. With some concentration, I stroked her cheek with it, relishing in the feel of her, grateful for that small expanse of skin that had regained its sensation. She closed her eyes, and I watched her face. My heart expanded in my chest, and for the first time I allowed myself to think the words that had been living in its chambers for months. I love you, Louisa Clark.
I wanted to tell her, but I was still too much of a coward to say the words aloud. Instead, I smiled at her, hoping she could see the depth of my feelings reflected in my eyes.
She laid my hand down beside me, positioning it on the bed. "I'm going to get ready for bed. I'm exhausted."
I chuckled. "I bet. We've had a long night."
She stood up, and I missed her already. She hadn't even left the room. "When you're done, come back here," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. "I can't stand the thought of you being so far away from me."
Louisa smiled, and it was as if the entire room grew brighter. "Are you sure?"
"I've never been more sure of anything in my life."
"Alright, I'll be right back."
I watched her leave the room, my cheeks hurting from smiling. I didn't think that would be possible after the night we had, but I couldn't help myself. I thought about the last time Louisa and I had shared a bed during that rain storm. That had been one of the best experiences of my life. Better than skydiving or climbing up the side of some stupid mountain. I was just too stubborn to admit it. Now, I couldn't see any reason why Louisa didn't sleep beside me every night.
"All clean," Louisa said when she reentered the room several minutes later. She was wearing a long nightshirt. Her hair was freshly washed and hung damply around her shoulders. She held a jar of night cream in her hand, sat beside me on the bed, and began applying it to her skin.
It smelled like fresh linen, light and clean. I watched as she rubbed it into the smooth skin of her legs and wished I could help her. Oh, Lou really didn't know what I wanted to do with her right now, but I was grateful for the view. After rubbing the cream into her legs and arms, she applied it to her face before turning to look at me.
"Your turn," she said with a smile.
"Me?" I lifted my brow.
"Yes, everyone should have a good skincare routine. Even men." Her tone was matter-of-fact.
I grinned. "Okay. Do your worst."
Carefully, she dipped a finger into the jar and scooped out some cream. After that, she took my hand and massaged it into my skin, getting between my fingers. I couldn't feel it, but I liked watching her work. After she finished that hand, she started on the next. This time, I could feel a slight pressure as she rubbed the moisturizer over my thumb and between my other fingers. It felt like heaven.
When she was done with that, she worked on my arms, my shoulders, and finally, my face. I sighed when her hands caressed my face. Her touch was feather-light, gentle, life-giving. I sighed as she massaged my temples. When she was done, I felt a keen sense of loss.
"All done," she said softly.
I stared at her for a moment, studying her face, capturing her essence for a future memory. "I want to kiss you now, Clark," I said.
She nodded softly, her eyes warm before she leaned down, her lips brushing against mine in the gentlest of kisses. The connection was light but intimate, her breath mingling with mine as her lips lingered briefly, delicate and full of promise.
The kiss wasn't rushed; it was tender, filled with unspoken emotions that made my heart stir in a way that words couldn't express.
We lay there for a moment, and I breathed her in, determined to make her part of me. She rested her head against my chest and held me close until we drifted asleep.