What Could Have Been
Chapter Thirteen "Every spot, stain and spatter..."
"Well, you really had to go." Computer remarked as Courage shut the attic door.
"Fred's acting weird."
"So, what else is new?"
"No-" Courage shook his head, "He's acting really weird. He sipped my-"
Courage stopped himself. He knew that Computer would make fun of him for having tea with the freaky barber.
"He sipped Muriel's coffee and poured it out earlier today. He keeps throwing things away because he keeps seeing spots on the tea bags and in the sugar and on spoons. He threw out a completely new box of tea because there were spots on the teabag wrappers."
"Huh."
"He's never acted like this. I've never seen anyone act like this before."
"Did he say why he didn't want to use anything with spots on them?"
"No. He just kept saying there's a spot on this, there's a spot on that. Then he would wash or throw something away."
"When he was up here, listening to his music, he kept tearing pages out of his notebook." Computer said, "I asked him why he was doing that and he told me that there were dark spots on the pages and if he wrote on those pages, whatever he wrote would get infected. So, I asked him to elaborate and he said that if he wrote on that particular page, whatever he wrote would get infected. If he wrote what he had written again, or if he thought of it, something bad would happen. So, he was trying to find a page that didn't have dark spots on it. According to him, something bad might happen if he were to write on those pages. I tried explaining to him that those pages were made of paper and that paper is made from wood pulp. I told him even the most bleached paper will still have bits of wood specks or traces here and there because, you know, they're made from trees. Look at the wall behind you, Dog."
Courage's eyes caught seemingly every spot and imperfection. And suddenly, simply noticing and being aware of every dark spot and speck felt like an assualt on his mind. Specks and spots he wouldn't be able to get out of the wood, no matter how many times he smoothed down the wood or attempted to dig it out. Every speck and spot was completely ingrained into the wood. It made the wood feel inherently unsafe, as though the infection had been a part of the wood from the beginning.
"I told him if you feel safer writing on paper that doesn't have spots or specks on it, then you're out of luck, buddy. Speaking of writing, I've noticed that you've been acting odd yourself lately."
Courage turned to look at the monitor.
"Me?"
"No, the farmer. Who else would I be referring to? You twit. Anyway, I noticed that you have been using your backspace key quite a lot lately. You've been retyping sentences a lot. Furthermore, you will close out your word processor without saving anything that you have typed and retype whatever you had been typing. You'll delete entire paragraphs, close your word processor without saving and then attempt to retype whatever you have been writing. Over and over. Mind elaborating on why you have been doing that?"
"I didn't know that I was doing that."
"Huh."
"Are you saying I'm doing what he's been doing?"
"How about we do a little experiment? I tried getting that freak to do this experiment, but he refused to do it."
"What is it?"
For answer, Courage's saved documents appeared onscreen and Computer opened up one of his memoir files.
"What are you doing?"
"Write something then save it. Also, don't use the backspace key. You're not allowed to use the backspace key even if you made a spelling mistake or the words are run together. Type something and then save it."
That seemed simple enough. Courage had done this a hundred times over ever since he learned how to use the computer.
The computer?
When he learned how to use Computer.
No matter how he worded that, it didn't sound right. It made Computer sound as though he were nothing more than an object.
Shaking these thoughts aside, Courage cracked his paws and tried to think of something to type.
"Just type whatever comes to mind."
Going with the first thing that popped to mind, Courage began to type:
Meouriel
Courage stopped.
Meteor
will happen if he saved.
Without thinking, he made to erase his mistake.
"Ah ah ah!" As though he had expected this, Computer had mininized the word processor, "You can't use the backspace, remember?"
"Sorry, force of habit."
Meouriel.
Meteor
will happen if he saved.
Courage eyed the floppy disc icon
will happen if he saved.
He felt the meteor in space as though the save button were somehow connected to it. He gazed at what he had already written and saved, what he had been working on for years. Pressing the save button would cause the file to feel like wood chips, splinters and specks that he couldn't dig out. It wasn't an immediate danger. It wasn't like pressing a button on a bomb and it exploding immediately. It was as though he were writing out what would happen in the future and pressing save would cause it to happen.
Meteor
Meouriel
Meteor
will happen if he saved.
"Well?"
He suddenly couldn't stand Computer's voice. He wanted to scratch his brain out of his head.
"Having a bit of a block are you? You don't have to write a complete sentence. Just write something and then press save."
Courage thought of what Fred had said. If the meteor hit, then Muriel would die. He would have to watch Muriel die. Pressing the save button meant Muriel would die. If he didn't press the save button, then Muriel wouldn't die.
"Press the save button."
Muriel dying and the meteor were one and the same.
Two separate things were one action in his mind.
He felt the meteor and Muriel's death typed out inside his body
will happen if he saved
"Come on, Dog, I know you can do it. I believe in you."
Wood splinters inside his body, sticking his stomach, as though he were leaning his organs into a bed of wood splinters. Muriel's death typed out inside his stomach. He felt the save button inside his gut
her death would be his fault if he pressed save
if she died, it was because he pressed save.
"Press save, dog."
He felt the save button and the backspace key inside his gut.
He knew if he just pressed the backspace key and closed out the document, this feeling would go away.
"Alright, you know what-" Computer paused, "There. I pressed saved for you."
Thousands of wood splinters shot into Courage's gut. As though someone had reached inside his gut and pressed the save button. He felt the future fix inside his gut. Fixed. Splinters inside the wood of the walls, splinters he could never hope to dig out or get rid of-
"NO!"
"Relax, Dog, you've pressed save millions of times-"
"Muriel's going to die!"
He clutched at Computer's monitor, sobbing hysterically.
"Muriel's going to die! Why did you press save? Why-"
Courage stopped, realizing what he was saying.
He leaped down from the bucket, clutching his head.
"Am I going crazy? What's happening to me?"
Forehead prickling. Splinters prickling inside his thoughts. The save button inside his gut felt infected. The future felt infected. The future felt like wood spinters unable to dig out, to smooth over, to erase-
"What's happening to me, Computer? I'm scared!"
"Hmm. Yes. Just as I suspected."
"What? What is it?"
Computer gave an exgaggerated sigh.
"I don't know how to break this to you, Dog, but it seems that you and that freak have been infected with a virus."
Fear prickled his forehead.
"What?"
He started as Fred burst into the attic.
"Courage! Are you hurt? What's going on?"
"What do you mean virus?" Courage demanded, ignoring the freaky barber, "What kind of virus? How did I get it?"
"Hold that thought, Dog. I will explain in good time. But first-"
With that, familiar robotic legs begun to protrude from his sides, metal claws attaching themselves to the floor. Lifting himself up onto his spider like robotic legs, he detattched himself from the tangle of wires in back of his monitor.
"There is something that I must do. Excuse me, gentleman."
With that, he trudged past the freaky barber, who side stepped the approaching computer, and strode out the attic door.
"From what Aunt Muriel had told me, that has happened before, hasn't it?" The freaky barber asked, as though his brain hadn't caught up to the fact that Computer sprouted legs and walked out of the room.
"Yeah." Courage nodded, still trying to take in what Computer had told him.
He stopped.
This has happened before.
"Muriel!"
He sped out of the attic and bolted for his owner's bedroom, colliding face first into the closed door. Shock numbing most of the pain, he struggled to his feet and twisted the doorknob.
"Muriel?" Panic seizing him, he began to twist the doorknob and beat on the door, "Computer! Are you in there? Let me in!"
"Just a moment, Dog." Came computer's voice, sounding just as wry as he always had, as though this were any other day.
"Courage?"
Fred appeared beside him.
In a panic, Courage attempted to explain what he knew was most likely going on in Muriel's bedroom. However, after everything that had happened, he couldn't think of words. He couldn't remember what words were. He bounced up and down on the spot, babbling gibberish at a million miles an hour.
"Alright, move aside, Courage."
Courage did just as the freaky barber asked, realizing that Fred was going to kick down the door. Fred stopped himself just as the bedroom door opened.
Muriel stood in the doorway, dressed in the same blue outfit that Computer had worn the last time he had taken control of Muriel's body. Her eyes glowed with the same, familiar luminescent blue that tinged the visible aura surrounding her body.
Computer raised Muriel's hands.
"Alright, before you start freaking out, your aunt is safe. She's just sleeping. Or she's unconscious. Whatever. It doesn't matter. The point is, she's perfectly safe-"
Courage started as the freaky barber lunged forward at lightning speed.
"What have you done to my aunt?"
Courage shrunk away, suddenly afraid of the freaky barber, who sounded and looked dangerous.
"Hands off, freak. You don't want to hurt your dear old aunt, would you?"
"Let her go at once!"
"Dog, would you mind calling off this freak?"
"Why are you doing this, Computer?"
"Relax, I'm not going to stay in this body forever, Dog, don't you worry. I'm only staying until you overcome this virus-"
"Virus? What virus?" Fred snapped, "What are you talking about?"
"Unhand me and I'll explain everything."
Courage could hear Fred tighten his hold on the front of Computer's outfit. Computer returned his gaze, looking both unperturbed and, if Courage's eyes weren't playing tricks on him, subtlely amused by the whole situation. Despite the fact that it was still Muriel's face, Computer's wry expression made her look as though she were an entirely different person.
"Computer, just tell us what's going on!" Courage whined, grasping his ears, "Fred, let go of Muriel-"
At the mention of Muriel, Fred loosened his grip. Computer took this oppurtunity to step back, smoothing down the front of his outfit.
"I very much doubt that your aunt would appreciate you manhandling her like this."
"Don't try my patience. Start talking at once or-"
"Or what? As you can see, there isn't a whole lot you can threaten me with, freak-"
Courage moved between them, scared that Computer would provoke the freaky barber into doing something that would hurt Muriel.
"Computer, just stop this! Just tell us what's going on!"
"Yes, Fred, do let me explain what's going on. Why don't we go downstairs to the kitchen where we can sit down, shed some light on the subject, since I'm not shedding enough light to see anything in this room." He laughed.
"Computer!" Courage tightened his grip on his ears, "This is not the time or the place-"
"Alright alright, I was just trying to make light of things - haha! Get it?"
"Computer!"
"Alright, alright. Sheesh."
In the kitchen, Courage spotted his mug of lemon tea, seemingly untouched by the freaky barber as it was still full. He saw that Fred's mug was also still full. As though Computer read his mind, he took hold of Courage's mug and gulped down the tea. He then gulped down Fred's tea. Courage saw the freaky barber flinch. He lifted his hand as though he wanted to stop Computer.
"Ah. Now you two will get to witness firsthand if the tea you avoided drinking was poisoned or not, which I highly doubt. My only concern is that I might have to use the bathroom very soon. That's one of the downsides to having a flesh body. No wonder you flesh creatures have issues. If I had to go to the bathroom all the time, I would lose my mind too-"
"Computer!" Courage snapped.
"Alright! Alright! Here's the deal, gentlemen, you two have been infected with a virus."
"What kind of virus is it?" The freaky barber asked.
"From my observations, it causes you to think in a very superstitious manner. If you do this, this and that will happen. if you don't do this, this and that will happen. That has been your thought process as of late, am I wrong? I will refer the need to do these superstitious rituals as symptoms. The symptoms are based on whatever you are most afraid of. The simulation keeps track of your brain waves and records what you are afraid of the most. The more you think of that specific fear, the simulation will tailor the symptoms specifically around that fear. The process is automatic because it is all recorded on a computer."
Computer smirked.
"And no, no one is causing all of these symptoms by pressing a button. They don't have to. It's already programmed to respond to whatever you fear the most. Which is losing Muriel. Oh, don't look so suspicious, freak. Anyone with a brain can guess that. That's why you have not drunk the tea. There was a spot on the wrapper so, in your mind, it must be poisoned or something."
"This is preposterous!" Fred spat.
"Computer, I've just about had it up to here with this simulation crap!" Courage grasped his ears, "For the sake of my sanity, can you please stop talking about the simulation?"
"Well, since you don't want to hear about the simulation, I'm not going to bother explaining how you got it."
Courage thought he was literally going to explode.
"Computer!"
"Alright! Alright! I won't say we're in a simulation. Happy?"
"How can we cure it?" The freaky barber demanded.
"You can't. It isn't like a cold that the body can fight off. It's now part of your brain chemistry."
"Is it dangerous?" Fear prickled Courage's forehead, "Are we going to die?"
"Relax, Dog, you can't die from it. It isn't fatal. However, there is no cure for it. As I have said, it's now part of your brain chemistry. You two are stuck with it forever. However-"
Computer held up a gloved finger.
"Even though you can't get rid of it, you can still manage it. Not only can you manage it, according to statistics, you can overcome it."
Courage's tail begun to wag, his heart lifting in hope.
"How?" He eagerly demanded.
"The only way to overcome the virus is to not do any of the superstitious rituals that make you feel safe. Easy peasy lemon squeezy."
"When will you let my aunt go?"
"Once you two overcome the symptoms and are able to manage them, then I will return to being a computer."
"So, you're going to be in control of Muriel until we stop doing these - these -"
"Until you two stop doing superstitious safety rituals."
Courage couldn't think of what to call the fear he had when he wasn't able to use the space bar, the panic when Computer had clicked on the save button. His memoir was still in the computer. The infected file was still there, though it was unacessable now that Computer had control of Muriel. He couldn't sneak into his documents and erase it, although the damage had already been done when Computer pressed save. What Computer had done was still out there in the universe.
Then it clicked.
He took control of Muriel so he wouldn't be able to acess his memoir.
So he wouldn't erase what he had written.
Courage glanced at the two empty mugs.
Computer was going to eat and drink anything that Fred wouldn't eat or drink.
Anything that he might be tempted to throw away.
Courage glanced at Computer.
"So, what are we supposed to do? Anytime we have the urge to do something that will make us feel safe we just - don't do it?"
"Right on the money there, old buddy old pal."
"And how do I know something bad won't happen if I don't do the safety rituals?"
He didn't want to do this.
Whatever Computer had in store for him, he didn't want to do it.
"There has to be another way that doesn't involve holding my aunt hostage!"
"Sorry, freak. This is the only way I can get Courage to not do the safety rituals. Whatever he doesn't do, or whatever he tries to undo, I will do whatever he won't do. I need to show him that whatever he doesn't want to do will happen anyway."
"I won't do this." Fred spat, "I won't play along with your stupid game."
"Frankly, I don't care what you do or don't do, freak."
Fred's mouth twisted as though he were holding back a remark. With apparent effort, he looked at Courage.
"We have to think of something. We can't let him toy with us like this!"
"Oh, stop trying to pretend that you're his friend, you freak. You're not. You shaved him naked. So, stop trying to suck up to him and get on his good side."
Courage's stomach burned with embarrassment.
"Do you have to bring this up now?" Courage snapped.
He worked so hard to keep the peace with Muriel. The last thing he needed was for Computer to dredge all this up while he was trying to wrap his brain around everything he just told them.
"Courage, buddy-"
"Just shut up, Computer."
"But, Courage -"
"I said shut up! It's none of your business! I don't want to think about that crap right now! Not while I can't talk to Muriel!"
Fred suddenly lunged to his feet. Courage covered his head out of instinct as the sound of breaking ceramic exploded, ringing in his ears as though someone just fired a gun in the kitchen.
"Let my aunt go!"
"Take it easy, freak." Computer's nonchalant tone wavered, "Don't do anything you'll regret."
"I would kill you." Fred's voice more bared teeth than words, "I would kill you."
"And where would that get you? Hmm? Prison? Considering what happened to you, prison will be much worse than what happened at the Home-"
Courage covered his head as Fred brought his fist down onto the table, the force of the blow ringing in his ears as though it had been an explosion.
Computer lifted Muriel's hands.
"Easy there, freak."
"Fuck. You."
"Well, that's not very polite."
Fred leaned closer to Muriel, his shoulders rising and falling with each gritted, snarling breath.
Courage had to look away from him, glancing at the green shards scattered across the floor, relieved that the mug hadn't been aimed at Muriel. His heart shuddered at the thought.
He would never hurt her, Courage told himself, trying to reassure himself.
Fred would never hurt Muriel.
Never.
Ever.
"Fred-" He kept his eyes closed, "Fred, you're scaring me."
He opened his eyes as Fred stepped away from Muriel.
Unlike the person he had first met years ago, this Fred listened to him.
This Fred would listen to him.
He could count on this Fred to listen to him.
That person who had cornered him in the bathroom had been gone for years.
He wasn't entirely sure what had changed that person.
How could that person who cornered him in the bathroom change into someone as reasonable as this Fred?
Even after all this time, it never felt as though this were the same person he had met all those years ago. This Fred had always felt like an imposter. A clone. Someone that wasn't the person who had cornered him in the bathroom. Despite the fact that this Fred smelled exactly like the man who cornered him in the bathroom, he still couldn't bring himself to accept that this was the same exact Fred.
He jumped aside as Fred strode out of the kitchen, the freaky barber's footstomps fading up the stairs. Swallowing, Courage stared at what used to be Fred's favorite coffee mug, finding that he was unable to move.
"Temper, temper." Computer gave a shaky laugh.
"Computer, that was too far." Courage glared at him, insides shaking, "That was a line you shouldn't have crossed. That was wrong."
Courage couldn't empathize how wrong that was.
"And from now on, I don't want you to bring up what he did ever again."
"What?"
"You heard me, don't ever bring it up again."
"And why not?"
"Because it's none of your business!"
"I think it is! You're my friend and I have every right to stand up for my friend-"
"I don't want you to stand up for me! I can stand up for myself! I don't need your help!"
"Courage-"
Something inside Courage snapped for the second time that evening.
"Shut up!" He all but screamed, "Just shut up! I want Muriel back!"
"Sorry, Dog, no can do. I'll go back to being a computer once you overcome your symptoms."
"Why? Why are you doing this?"
"Do you want to do these stupid safety rituals for the rest of your life?"
Courage started.
"Is that how you want to live the rest of your life, Dog?"
"I-"
"You won't be able to get rid of it, but you can overcome it. It won't be easy. But I will help you, Courage. I'll be with you every step of the way. And since you'll have it for the rest of your life, you'll be in it for the long run. We'll have all the time in the world to work on this."
Panic overtook Courage. If it was true that he was going to have these symptoms for the rest of his life, did that mean Computer wasn't going to let Muriel go?
"Don't worry." Computer said, as though he read his thoughts, "I won't stay in this body forever, Courage. Constantly going to the bathroom isn't something I want to do for the rest of time."
"When will you let Muriel go?"
"You failed the first experiment." Computer said, "However, if you manage to not do any safety seeking rituals, I'll let Muriel go. I promise."
"But how long will that take?"
"Before I answer that, let me ask you this, Dog, are you still afraid of whatever you have typed and saved on your document? Are you still afraid of it? Can you describe to me in detail what you feel right now? How does thinking about your document make you feel?"
Courage's mind balked.
"Just say whatever comes to mind. Just say the first words that come to mind."
It still felt infected. Unusuable. That document still felt unusable. As though he could never use that document if he were to publish his memoir. He would have to start over from scratch. Use a different document that wasn't that file.
"By that logic, you do realize that all the documents saved within my system are infected as well?"
"Then I'll have to write my memoir on a different computer." Courage said.
But he wouldn't be able to use the words he had already typed. Any words he had typed into that infected document, were infected because they had been typed and saved to that infected document. He would have to use different words. He would have to word his sentences in a different way. His gut twisted in reluctance. He liked the way he wrote his memoir. But what he had written was no longer safe-
"You're not even close to overcoming it." Computer murmured, "How about this - if you manage to not do any safety seeking rituals for a whole month, I'll let Muriel go. Who knows? Maybe it doesn't have to be a month. It can depend on how well you do. So, the sooner you overcome these symptoms, the sooner you'll get to see Muriel."
He offered a gloved hand to shake.
"Deal?"
Courage sighed taking Muriel's gloved hand.
He held her hand tightly in his paws. He hoped that Muriel could feel him squeezing her hand, hoping this small reassurance reached her. He hoped that he could reach her while she was in her unconscious state.
When she had been possessed by the demon in the mattress, Muriel had been aware that someone was possessing her, that someone was in control of her. When Computer had taken control of her the first time, Muriel had made no indication that she was still there at all.
Despite holding her hand and looking into her face, it felt as though she wasn't there at all.
Only Computer was there. His glowing neon blue eyes holding his.
Courage supressed a whine.
He just wanted Muriel back. That's all he wanted.
That's all he ever wanted.
"Courage?"
Courage started and whirled around.
The freaky barber stood in the doorway.
"Courage?" He said, his tone soft and tense, as though it took him every ounce of strength to keep his voice level, "May I have a word with you?"
He shot Computer a pointed glance.
"In private?"
Courage glanced at Computer.
"Sure."
"Follow me."
"Every spot, stain and spatter
May turn us into a worm, lichen or crystal that will shatter
Never before did every single decision matter
And now, the wrong one could cause..."