With the Dragon Sword back in his one hand and Yang Sword in another, the black-haired knight, while still in his drunken stupor, could feel the immense power coursing through him. He felt that he could easily atomize the Bowel Hunter, slice the White Whale in half, obliterate Sin Archbishop of Sloth, wipe out all the Great Rabbit with but a single slash. In truth that assessment was more-less correct, as should he actually pour all of his mana into a single strike with those two, he could level about two thirds of Priestella.
All of this was such a cruel joke. He remembered how, when first arrived here, he wanted a typical Isekai adventure with some absurd superpower, a hot princess and some instant fame while he's at it. Anything to distract him from shame he felt back home. Well he did receive an absurd superpower – Return by Death certainly counted, he did meet a hot princess, although she found Emilia more of the "cute girl" type, and he was given fame. The Fate certainly had a sense of humor.
If only he had but a fraction of the power he had right now just a year prior. No, even a fraction of that fraction of that fraction. He could have done better, he could have faced up to the unspeakable horrors that showed themselves to him. If only he had it then his friends, his allies, his cute great spirit, the blue maid who adored him and the silver-haired girl from whom it all began, everyone he cared about… they would not be hurt, their corpses would not be haunting him for his incompetence. With it, maybe then he would not have to painfully force Beako to stay silent about his unhealthy habits. Maybe then Rem would be participating in the stories that he told her daily for the past year. Maybe then the confidence he displayed in front of the love of his life would not have to be fake. Maybe then Satella would not have to cry. Maybe then he would have been able to call himself a hero, not just Rem's hero, whatever that was worth now that he had lost her, but everyone's hero. Yes, a hero like Reinhard (in an ironic twist of Fate, the Sword Saint never considered himself one), not a fraud who abused the affection of one person that loved him unconditionally. Just like he abused affection that his parents showed him…
"I'm sorry, mom, dad..."
"Maaan, I know this world's cruel, but it has to be fucking ironic too, huh? Go fuck yourself, Fate-sama..."
Subaru's already blurry vision made worse by the tears that were starting to form in his eyes.
"Subaru? Are you alright?"
The silver-haired half-elf was the first to act. Letting out a half-laugh half-cry of anguish, the drunken boy turned to Emilia.
"...Hah... No, Emilia-tan, no... I'm not fine, not when… not when I've found out that I'm even more w'rthless than I thought before! You knooow, I tried so hard… so hard, went through so fucking much, convincing myself that there was n'thing I could do, that... that the outcome we have now is the best. I waaanted to believe in it, I waaanted to, so there's at least one Present..." "... in which you do not die..." "But now, now I…"
Subaru mumbled his words, as the thoughts were spilling out of his mind faster, than he could voice them out loud. His body slumped down onto the floor, as his speech jumbled together into an incomprehensible cry filled with self-flagellation. His tears streamed without end, not unlike the incessant calls of the corpses in his crumbling mind:
"Why did you not save me? Why did you leave me during the trials?" Emilia's voice questioned him.
"Why did you not stay alive and left us, Subaru-kun? I sacrificed myself so you could live!" chastised Rem.
"Ever worthless, Barusu. You should have known we can not beat the Bowel Hunter." mocked Ram.
"Subaru, where are you? Scary cultists are attacking the village!" begged little Petra.
"Why did you call your Witch, you filthy cultist? I've lost everyone cause of you!" snarled at him Garfiel.
"You wanted to feed me to the White Whale! Of course, I would ditch you!" blamed Otto.
"Thank you for allowing me to finally die." Beatrice muttered with sad smile.
"That was a quite painful experience, Subaruuu-kun. It's most unnnfortunate that this you are not enough." said Roswaal with ever-familiar expression.
Saying that Emilia was shocked would be nothing less than a severe understatement. She witnessed him crying before, once during his second day as a butter, once when he cried for Rem in Karsten Manor, but never to this extent. More than that, the way he talked about himself, it was eerily similar to her own mindset at times. A feeling of her own incompetence, of her worthlessness were still present in her mind. These were at their worst during their time Sanctuary. Back then she needed him to push her through the ordeal. She remembered being glad that he was angry at her, that he was frustrated with her noisiness, when he clearly suffered the most, desperately trying to save both Sanctuary and the Mansion from Roswaal's plots. Those feelings were never truly gone since then, it did not help that integrity of her camp was hinging so much on his effort. Thanks to him, however, she was able to improve herself, she strived to be better. Suddenly Emilia understood that his obsessive training of both his body and working with Beatrice in a past year was due to same thing she had – a desperate desire to improve oneself to feel more useful to others.
Others in the room knew the extent of his self-deprecation too. His speech during the worst moments in this city shown that:
Beatrice knew the most, of course. After all, she was the one treating his scars. She knew her contractor was like this, she did witness similar things in other people as well, although, it was prior to her seclusion in the Forbidden Library. Men experiencing war, women being violated, children forced to grow up on the street, parents losing their children, the spirits chained to the promises they could not fulfill... The circumstances of initial trauma did not matter – the traces it left did. Still, she blamed herself for not knowing about his issues sooner, or at least for not having of any way to help him, aside from staying near him. She knew her presence helped him at least in some way.
For Otto, the one event that let him see the real Natsuki Subaru, was the day he punched him in Sanctuary. Seeing usually cheerful friend in a such an honestly pathetic state was a surprise, to say the least. The situation he found himself in was even worse. Otto felt like he had to lend him a hand. At first, he thought it was a good repayment for him saving his life from the Witch Cult. But then, after everything was over, the merchant found himself staying with all of them. And a sudden friendship became something greater – it became a brotherhood.
One would think, Garfiel did not know about this, but that was wrong. As he spent a lot of the time with his Captain on their obstacle course, he knew of his self-flagellation every time he struggled to pass it. He would always play it off afterward, but it was rather obvious he meant the words he said in a heat of passion. Captain's life was quite unfair: he was well-built, but his mana flow was naturally really weak, and he had no Divine Protections to compensate for it. The busted gate was the worst, of course, as it limited what he can do and chained him to his spirit. Garfiel could understand the frustration, he too worked out really hard as he was growing up, so he can be worthy to protect the Sanctuary. As it turns out he was simply running from his problems back then. So he knew just how frustrating the feeling of not being good enough was, he experienced it again just a few days ago, after all.
Felix commonly experienced the similar feelings. Before the Royal Selection he at least was coping with the fact by trying his hardest to perfect his healing abilities. If he can not defend Crusch-sama at least he can treat her from injuries. That's what he believed in prior to encountering two cases, where he could not do anything: first – the amnesia and the second – the cursed dragon blood. He thought that the Fate truly despised him.
Julius knew these feelings too. "Prove yourself worthy of Juukulius name: train, study, practice. Prove that you are not some bastard, be best at everything you can, prove that you are the Finest." Those were the worlds he always said to himself. So what now? Now that the Gluttony ripped apart his efforts, his status, his title, his bonds, even his brother and his spirits? Now that the only link he had to his past, and only reason he does not wonder somewhere on the streets is the one who he used to scoff at? He was not really sure.
"There it is! There is the blood he shreds. This is a proof of his heroism. Unlike you, you monster! You ruin everything you touch. You, who can do anything, yet the one who does nothing!"
Reinhard's inner monologue was not pretty either.
Al merely found it ironic. He did not like himself either, but similarity felt rather uncanny. He did not want to be like him.
"Maybe, even a piece of shit like me might finally be fucking worthy of being by your side, to protect you as a real knight should."
The half-elf princess's mind came to a standstill. She expected revelation like this would be bad for him, but not this bad. Emilia could never imagine that her knight thought of himself like that. He worked hard, too hard for nothing in return, just her own well-being. If anything, she believed that she was not worthy of being with him, not the other way around. She knew why he did so much without asking in return already – he loved her. Yet she herself did not feel a person being worthy of being loved by someone so selfless, so kind, so amazing like him.
He needed her help right now, Emilia knew this. So half-elf deliberated on what she should do. The lap pillow was her first instinct, she knew it would work, but since they were in public, she was too embraced to do so. Her second instinct was to kiss him, as back in the Sanctuary his kiss helped her a lot. It didn't even have to be on the lips, maybe on the cheek. It felt like a good idea, since Emilia was no longer worried about being pregnant because of it (however her sexual education ended on "the babies do not come from kisses"), still she chose not to give her opponents even more rumors about their relationship (Kinda late, Emilia). Eventually, she chose the third-best option. Deciding that she would look even deeper into his problems at a latter date and would provide him as much support as she possibly could, until he throws out these reeeally stupid thoughts out of his mind. Emilia lowered herself to her knight and sat to the left of him, all the while very gently embracing him.
"You are reeeally a dunderhead Subaru... Of course, you are worthy of being my knight, I would not have it any other way…"
"No one says dunderhead anymore, Emilia-tan."
"Shhh."
It was a rather touching scene, so the two lovebirds were left alone for a bit. Soon, Beatrice joined them as well, finding her place on his lap.
Two out of ten strongest swords in this world lay discarded near Subaru's feet.
"Fucking hell, Tella, you could've at least told me that."
"Or you could, you know, get me one of those at the arrival."
Now, in hindsight, one would question why only one person in a shabby helmet paid attention to what Subaru just whispered (He swore under his nose). Of course, one would think, that no one would have audacity to make a pet name for one considered the worst person in the entire world. They really should have expected something like this might happen, given what already occurred, yet even his latter worlds were utterly dismissed.
"No, seriously, Tella-tan, explain it to me right now,"
"Fuck, fuck, fuck! If he calls her know, she won't let go of him. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Expand territory, matrix redefinition."
Now Subaru clearly voiced his complaint out loud, talking to seemingly no one in particular. A few people turned into his direction again.
"TELLA-TAN, COME 'ERE WE HAVE THINGS TO TALK ABOUT."
He shouted now, getting attention of the entire party.
And then something no one else even begin to consider happened.
10976.
At this point he gave up. The mental fatigue was getting to him, lowering his performance, yet he did not solve even one tenth of this puzzle.
Sword Saint reacted first (Divine Protection most likely), but he hesitated to kill, giving him one more opening. Subaru was always second, as two blades boosted his combat awareness massively, he was the most dangerous, as he always managed to apprehend him, forcing a restart, worse the more he tried, the faster his opponent realized nature of his Authority. Beatrice reacted third and covered magic front, limiting his options even further. Emilia reacted the slowest, so she was out of the equation most of the time, but should he dilly-dally she would end it without any hesitation. He did not reach further enough to worry about the others. Magical attacks were partially nullified by his spirit, Reinhard covered agility and strength aspect, and Subaru was the brains. Even at times he managed to land Ol Shamak successfully on him (that was only two out off ten thousand), the Witch came in full force and ended those loops.
Option to simply interject into the conversation did not work either, as he would always say the accursed words:
"TELLA-TAN, COME 'ERE WE HAVE THINGS TO TALK ABOUT."
So he chose the final alternative. Stay as calm and act as he was before, and don't talk much. When opportunity presents itself, run. As far from here as possible.
For a brief moment Satella felt truly exited, since for first time in centuries she and Envy felt unified in opinion, for the first time there was true balance in them, for the first time she felt like a single person, rather than two that were fighting for control of singular body. And the reason for that was:
"Tella-tan, he called me Tella-tan!"
For Satella this old pet name of hers, the one that made her heart sing, was a sign that he cared for her, accepted her, even if he did not remember her. Unlike Emilia, she knew what "tan" really signified (he told her back in the day).
Satella understood that even though he was not happy with her right now, he did not demand from her to give him everything that he might want. It was just his consideration for everyone around him, something that Satella absolutely adored about his character. He just wanted to make people around him happy, including her. After all he tried his very best to not die after their meeting in the Castle of Dreams.
Yes, she felt pangs of guilt for not even considering giving something to him, something that might have helped him in his journey. She felt ashamed she wasted four hundred years moping for her loss, instead of doing something useful for when he will eventually return. After all he said so himself, that he will one day return, that he will recollect the Witch Factors and through the Authorities given to him, he will find a way to save her.
Her beloved's soul even remembered his promise to her: "I will find the way to save you". He said it thrice: once to Emilia, once to Envy and once to her. One day she knew he will fulfill it. He will save all of them.
So, she knew what to do: She will apologize to him. She will apologize for everything, after all she felt just as useless and unworthy as he did. She did not know if he would accept this, but she will apologize to him nonetheless.
Thus so, without any hesitation or really any consideration for what her presence might cause to her loved one, Satella left Augria Sand Dunes to join the one she cared most for.