Chapter 12

She hadn't talked to Edward for a long had already been in the United States for 6 months and had not received any letter or email from her dear friend. Had he forgotten about her so quickly? That thought made her feel sad. Everything about the US made her feel sad. She had lived in Bristol since she was 9 years old, she was used to the people, the views, the culture. She had no friends here. She missed Edward terribly.

Bella was on her computer when the messaging app sent her a notification.

Edward online.

She sent him a message as fast as her fingers could allow her and eagerly waited for the response.

For his part, at his home in Bristol. Young Edward looked at the notification with sadness and some guilt before closing it. He didn't want to talk to her.

I heard his voice. I recognized it. But who was it?

"Bella, please. Don't leave me. Please. You have to be okay."

I wanted to listen to him, but my body didn't respond. I felt light. Without pain. Why would I want to go back? Sleeping here, I was fine. I didn't have to wake up.

"Dammit, Bella. Don't do this. You have to wake up."

I don't want to. I want to be like this. I want to see them. I want to be with them.

Then came another voice.

"No, Bella. It's not your time yet. Stay with him. Go back."

I took a sudden and violent breath of air and looked around in alarm. Had I fainted? That voice… oh, God. That voice. It was impossible. I searched the room trying to find him and I felt my heart break when I couldn't. I had heard him. His voice had been so clear.

I began to hyperventilate again and strong arms hugged me. Max was at my feet whimpering, probably scared. Had it been my Dimitri? I knew it was impossible but it had felt so real.

"Bella, lay down. You need to regain strength."

Edward's voice brought me back to reality.

I let him help me lie down and Max quickly came to my side and lay down on my chest. I put my hand on his back letting him know I was okay, but my heart was beating so fast I feared it would give up suddenly. I realized we were in the hallway and the door to Alec's room was closed again. We stayed there for a moment until I found my voice again.

"Edward?" Max stood up when he noticed that my heart was beating normally.

"Yes?," he answered urgently.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have hit you, or yelled at forgive me," when I said the last word I felt myself crying again.

The dam of grief finally burst, unleashing a torrent of rage I hadn't allowed myself to face since they took my son. Three years of strangled sobs, choked back screams, and a hollowness that gnawed at my soul, all came crashing out at him. It was a storm I'd kept locked away, a poisonous well of emotions I hadn't dared touch. He became the unwitting target, a punching bag for the grief I'd buried deep within. Shame burned in my gut. He didn't deserve that, no one did. There's no excuse for using him as a conduit for my pain. But the truth is, I was drowning in a sea of grief, and I didn't know how to swim. I lashed out, out of control, and for that, I was truly sorry.

He laughed into a sob. I hadn't realized that his eyes were red and he had dried tears on his face.

"You scared me. You stopped breathing for a few minutes. The lines were down because of the storm and I couldn't call for help and I was getting really tired with the CPR. I thought…" Before he could finish the sentence, he grabbed my arm and pulled me into a hug, wrapping his arms around me.

The day had been a whirlwind of emotions, punctuated by several of his embraces. The first two felt clinical, a physical tether meant to anchor me during emotional storms. This hug, though, was a revelation. Never had he held me like this – a constellation of unspoken emotions mapped onto his touch. Longing, a tremor barely contained. Fear, a tight coil in his embrace. And then, something warmer, a hesitant bloom that sent a shiver down my spine – love?

His arm dipped low, circling my hip with a possessive possessiveness. The other hand cupped my face, pulling me closer to the comforting warmth of his neck. A familiar scent, cedar and a hint of mint from his cologne, filled my senses, grounding me in the present even as his touch sent my heart into a frantic dance.

I was frozen at first but I hugged him back. I had scared him. His words were still in my mind. Bella, please. Don't leave me. I hugged him hoping to assure him that I wasn't going anywhere. I felt a wave of affection toward him that I had tried to keep repressed so I could keep him at arm's length. And the words came out of my mouth without being able to contain them.

"I forgive you," I whispered.

He separated from me and looked at me strangely.

"What?" he asked.

"I forgive you. Because of the funeral. I forgive you. I forgive you for everything. And forgive me for not having done it sooner."

I saw tears fill his eyes again but a beautiful smile filled his face. I smiled back and looked at him like I hadn't seen him in a long time. I looked at him as my best friend. The person who had always known everything about me. My first kiss. My broken heart. My friend.

But the idiot had to ruin the moment.

"Bella, I think you have to go back in there."

"I don't think so," I said, trying to get up.

"Listen to me," he held me again. "What just happened is not right. It's not okay that you almost died from being in Alec's room. The ghost that lives there is killing you. You need to face it."

"I don't want to."

"Why?"

"Fuck, Edward! It's my fault! It's my fault he was in the car that day! He had to be home with me but I was tired. I needed a break from my hyperactive, perfect three-year-old and asked Dimitri to take him to the park. If not, if it hadn't been for me…"

My breath hitched, a strangled gasp escaping my lips. My vision blurred, tears welling up like a dam on the verge of breaking. The words I had buried deep, the truth I couldn't bear to face, threatened to choke me. "It's my fault," they ripped free, a ragged cry escaping my throat. I had never dared to say them out loud, the weight of them crushing. Sending him to the park… it was all my fault. My family, gone, because I wasn't good enough. Not a good wife, not a good mother. The sobs came then, a torrent of grief and self-loathing that threatened to drown me.

"Bella, that's unfair," he hugged me again. "It's not your fault that some asshole decided to drink and drive. And it's time for you to understand that truth. Come. I'll be with you."

There was another thunderclap that made me jump. I remembered when Alec told me he was afraid of thunder and I, feeling like a fucking liar, told him it wasn't a bad thing. They were loud noises that couldn't hurt us. Now I had a room. The room that had been haunting me in my nightmares for three years. A room that couldn't hurt me. The one I gave the power to haunt me.

I let Edward help me up and nodded with a sigh. He waited for me to grab the doorknob to open it. Despite believing in his plan, he let me take the initiative, and I was grateful.

I turned the knob and with another sigh opened the door.

The air grew thick and heavy, the familiar panic clawing its way up my throat. My heart hammered against my ribs, a frantic drumbeat against the deafening silence of the room. His room, frozen in time, a perfect replica of that fateful afternoon. His favorite blanket, the one with the faded blue puppy, lay crumpled on the pillow, still holding a faint echo of his baby scent. A forgotten cup of milk sat on the nightstand, its contents a curdled, yellow nightmare. His pajamas, a tiny heap at the foot of the bed, sparked a fresh wave of grief. "Put them away, sweetie," I'd scolded, the memory sharp as a knife. An apology, a constant, gnawing apology, a mantra echoing in my head. My vision blurred with tears, the room warping with the intensity of the panic attack. Each detail, a fresh wound, a reminder of a life stolen, a love forever lost.

My gaze landed on his favorite – a misshapen yellow teddy bear with oversized ears, floppy wings, and a tail that trailed limply on the floor. A pang of recognition shot through me. Max. The resemblance was uncanny. Picking it up, I cradled the worn fabric against my cheek. The familiar texture, the faded scent of sunshine and forgotten dreams, it should have brought comfort. Instead, it ripped open the dam of grief once more. This little bear, a symbol of a childhood lost, held the weight of a thousand unspoken apologies and a yearning for what could never be. In its vacant button eyes, I saw a reflection of my own son, his laughter silenced, his smile forever frozen in a memory.

I went a little further into the room and knelt in front of his bed. Spasms passed through my body in the form of sobs. I took the blanket in my hands and held it against my face as I cried more. Edward stayed at the door and let me do what I should have done a long time ago, mourn the death of my son inside and out.

I didn't know how long I was like that when I felt a panic attack forming again but Max was by my side as soon as the thought hit me. It was then that I felt Edward's hand on my shoulder and that helped me find my voice.

"Forgive me, my little prince. I didn't know what would happen. Forgive me for not having patience that day. Forgive me for being tired and irritable. I'm sorry for…" my tears and sobs didn't let me continue but I had to. "For raising my voice when you didn't put away your pajamas. Forgive me for not giving you 47 hugs like you asked and for promising to go to the park next time instead of going with you. I am so sorry."

I waited for the hole inside me to finish killing me but it didn't. With Max and Edward at my side, I felt a protection that seemed to keep it at bay. I was still crying, but I got up and looked at the room that didn't look as scary as before. It was a special room, maybe I wouldn't move or change anything, but I could go back in. And I owed that to Edward.

He was standing next to me, looking at me expectantly. I threw myself on him and hugged him. I was so grateful for all of this.

"You like to do things that scare me, huh? Fainting, jumping on me, the pepper spray," he laughed.

"Max," I added, making him laugh harder.

"Sure, sure, you brat" he helped me walk out of the room and closed the door behind us. He hadn't called me that in a very long time.

I felt good. I felt like the hole had actually shrunk. Fucking Edward Cullen had done that. I was still half sobbing but I wanted to laugh as well. The ghost of my baby's room had disappeared.