A/N- I'm not too sure how much time from now to the end of the year I'll have to write this story :( lol ummm I'm going up a position at my work- and moving stores, so will be doing a lot of learning and training! I'm obviously hoping I'll still have energy to write, but with Christmas coming up I can see it becoming difficult. But I'll try my best! The store I'm moving to is a lot quieter than my current one, so who knows, maybe I'll be writing more lmao. Enjoy the chapter anyways, I think it's a nice one. Bethany :)
Chapter 21- A Real Start.
All I get is the twist of my abdomen before his hand grasps mine.
Like always, tingles run up my arm from where our skin meets, travelling right through me. Swallowing, I will myself to ignore them. But with my thoughtless reactions able to cloud my judgement in mere seconds, I know I should pull my arm back.
I don't, not even as he says in bewilderment, "you're really not going to hear me out?"
Looking up at him, I swallow a laugh. "Hear you out about what, Four? It sounded pretty clear to me, and from the looks of it, Lauren, too."
Irritation shakes his head as he mumbles under his breath. Then, without warning, he's pulling us through his doorway.
Finally coming to some sense, I try yanking back my arm. But his grip is solid, so no matter how unimaginable being in close quarters with him is, it's inevitable. And by the time he lets go, the door's closed and guarded.
With my back facing what used to be the warmth haven of his room, all I can do to keep my emotions in check is to hold onto the most prevalent one. Anger. "I don't know what you think you're doing-"
A lightless laugh leaves his mouth, cutting me off. "What I'm doing? I'm trying to talk to you before you blow this whole situation out of proportion!"
Shaking my head slowly, I take a step backwards. "I'm blowing this out of proportion?" My words begin to jumble together in my head, leaving my mouth wanting to say something, but unable to double down.
It's only when I can see his lips part, that my words spill out. "You know I was coming up here to apologise to you, right? I've been feeling horrendous the whole day thinking I've upset you." Scoffing out a laugh, my arms cross against my chest tightly. "Looks like I was right." My head shakes with unsubsidized anger. "But even with what happened on the slope, how dare you shut me out- then go behind my back-"
Now his hands come into motion, his eyes firm. "You don't know Lauren like I do-"
My jaw drops as my reasoning for him starting his defence like that comes up empty. "Is this your way of de-escalating the situation, Four? Telling me I don't know how deep your relationship with your co-instructor is?"
"Don't use that name like-"
Hurt twists up my airways like a snake wrapping itself around its prey. "Like what? Like it isn't who you are?" A door somewhere behind me squeaks open, but I ignore it. "You haven't even told me what that name means, Tobias. But for some reason Lauren, of all people-"
"Why people started calling me Four is the least interesting thing in this-" his hands move around aimlessly, "whatever this is. It's just a meaningless taunt-"
"But it's part of you!" I argue back, losing steam. "Just like the relationship you share with your father is. These parts of your life don't just mean nothing…"
Brows pulling together, he sternly says, "this has nothing to do with him."
My shoulders drop. "Then what was this morning about then?"
Looking like he's lost his words, his lips press together.
If there's one thing I'm sure about, no matter the little amount of time we've really known each other- properly known each other- is that he wouldn't shut me out over this whole situation with Peter.
"You need to talk to me, Tobias, please." Desperation feeds into my voice, a plea that looks like it's just blowing past him. "Running off to Lauren, when you could just let me-"
Having snapped out of his stupor, his step forward has me cutting myself off. With my breaths coming deep and fast, like I've just ran a race, I find our closing proximity mind filling.
Focus.
"Lauren came to me, Tris- not the other way around." Shaking his head, he sighs, "I've never been interested in working with her. If I was, I would never have asked you in the first place." He takes another step, which I don't copy. "I've dealt with her before. The only way she ever leaves me alone is by thinking I actually might consider her offer." A laugh escapes his lips, one that sounds more like an exhausted exhale. "I would have never even thought to tell you about her insistence because I don't want to compete with her."
His hand lifts, but drops to his side a moment later.
With my arms still crossed against my chest, I say, "this morning?"
His uncertain hands fist at his side. "I don't want to talk about my father, Tris."
I nod once, quickly enough that we both get the message. Knowing this isn't going anywhere today, I take a step around him. Figuring I should have given him the space he had wanted this morning was probably the better choice, I find my head shaking with foolishness.
But then his palm is encircling my arm again, and I'm stuck in my spot.
"No-" he exhales, and as I look up to him, with his face so close to mine, I find myself not even fathoming going anywhere. "Don't- don't leave."
As our eyes lock, a shiver runs up my spine. During some desperate moments, he can look so open. His shadowless eyes betray his words, and I know there's so much he wants to say.
But his actions are the only thing to make it out of him.
His lips press firmly against my own, with enough force that I'm bracing myself against the sofa.
But I don't have to steady myself for long, not as his arm encases my waist, holding me so close that I can feel every sharp angle belonging to him.
Our past disagreement leaves my mind as quickly as my inhales, and I find no reason within myself to not kiss him back, just as hard.
With each heightened emotion morphing into an innate need, it's not long until a door is pushed open behind me.
But it's all a bit of a whirlwind, one that my brain finds harder to grasp onto than my body.
So I don't think. I let any residual nerves of my first time with him fall away with our clothes, and I let myself be guided by him to the bed.
And when he's finally looking at me, asking me if I'm sure, I know there'll be no other answer.
…
With my eyes closed, and my head resting comfortably on his bare chest, I could feel myself nodding off.
And with Tobias' fingers running through my hair, I'm surprised I've held off for this long.
But then he shifts his position slightly, enough so that I groan out my frustration.
Feeling his laughter through his chest, I lifted my drowsy head.
"You're worse than Clém."
Neck twisting, I find Clémentine having found the perfect spot curled on himself on the bottom of Tobias' legs.
"With all that fur, I doubt he feels half as much as you think he does." Re-resting myself on his chest, I placed my chin on my stacked hands.
With one arm propped against his head, he looks down to me.
And I know what he's thinking.
"I don't want to push you, Tobias." And I won't. No matter the path he takes, I'll be waiting at the end. Because I know, at some point, he'll get there.
He takes a deep breath in, and I move, positioning myself on his shoulder. I keep my gaze on his warm body, not wanting me staring at him to add any sort of pressure.
His hand squeezes my arm. "I'm sorry, about storming away this morning, I just-"
His other hand moves, lifting to his face, rubbing at his brow bone.
I wait for him to find the words as my free hand lays protectively over his heart.
"You were right, about how I was acting; but I just couldn't comprehend at that moment that I could be anything like him-" He cuts himself off, like the sentence is too painful to finish.
"We all get angry, Tobias." I say softly. "But you're not like your father." My hair falls over my shoulder as I lift myself up on an elbow. "Did you end up seeking Peter out?"
He shakes his head, his hand dropping to envelop mine.
"Would Marcus have stopped himself when it came to punishing you?"
His eyes close, but I have my answer from his silence.
Sitting myself up, I twist around, knowing I chucked the t-shirt Tobias was wearing somewhere to the right of me.
Scooping it up, I shove it over my head.
With my arms situated, I find a stumped looking Tobias. "Was that really necessary?"
I would have rolled my eyes, if I wasn't happy to see even a little bit of the Tobias I know and-
My mind quickly silences. Was I really about to say love?
I was, and it almost has me gasping in a breath, realising it was never a slip of the tongue. But now isn't the time. This isn't about how I'm feeling.
"Do you think Uriah and Will are like your father because they beat Drew up?"
Coming out of his stupor, he quickly says, "what? No, of course not."
"But you hold yourself to that unhuman standard?"
His shoulders sag. "His blood runs through me, Tris. I don't know when I draw the line-"
My heart hurts just hearing him saying that. "You drew the line at me." He frowns as I continue. "Instead of joining the fight, you turned to me. You knew when to hold back, when to know-"
"You're different-"
"When you were living with Marcus, he didn't know when to stop, did he?"
At that statement, Tobias finally looks at me properly.
And for some reason, I say, "it's alright, Tobias. I'm not going anywhere."
His silence follows. And for a split second, I think I've pushed him too far for the second time today.
But then he says, "he used to forget I was locked in the closet sometimes. If he was having dinner at a colleague's house, I could be in there for 2 days."
Tobias doesn't wait for a response, and thank god, because, what?
"I remember being with him at a parents evening once, a month or two after I had started living with him again." Blowing out air, he looks off into the distance, "couldn't have been older than 15." Jaw setting, he says, "the teacher was just being honest. That time around, I wasn't settling in as fast as I should have been. My school work was always half done, and homeworks always late. I'd space out in lessons, not hearing most of the things the teacher was saying."
All I can do is watch him in silence, grounding my own jaw.
"That night, he dragged me through the kitchen, shoved me into one of the chairs, and shaved my head. He then went upstairs and took away my mattress and my door." A humourless laugh leaves his lips. "He would always say it was for my own good; that everything he did was to shape me into the man I would become."
His hand holds onto mine tightly.
"I spent countless nights on those harsh floors, crying for my mum."
With tears clogging my throat, I try to will them away.
"But by the time I would see her in March, I knew my winter in England would have to stay with just me. From those first 6 months with Marcus, he made sure I knew that not even the channel would keep my mother from his grasp."
Trying to steady my voice, I ask, "does she know?"
He nods once. "And I wish she never did."
Just the thought of Evelyn's agony is enough to take the breath from my lungs.
"Tobias…" I whisper, a tear finally escaping.
But he's before me in seconds, wiping the tears away. "I didn't want to make you cry."
Choking out a laugh, I shake my head. "God, Tobias. Don't you know how strong you are?" Grasping his face in my hands, I will him to listen to every word I say. "No one would blame you if you wanted to burn the whole world down for what was done to you." My palms were warm, and I tried to stop myself from losing control over the pressure I have in them. "But you're good, Tobias. Never, from that first skiing lesson, did I think anything less than that. Sure, you could be standoffish and pretty rude-"
His brows raise as my hands fall to his broad shoulders. "But you still see the good in others, even when they disappoint you." A watery smile forms on my lips as I watch his eyes soften. "I would not love you if you were anything other than completely you."
Something changes then, something I can't be certain is positive. But I look to him with hope and love, knowing I don't regret saying those words aloud now. There's never been a point so perfect to tell him how he is loved.
"Tris…" he mumbles, and before he can profess himself unworthy, I carry on.
"There's no one who deserves to be loved more than you, Tobias. And I will take pleasure in reminding you every-"
But I don't get further into my speech. My words get eaten up by his lips crashing into mine, showing me a hunger not even our argument before could conjure.
Like the volume of my words were too heavy to finish, too meaningful-
He pulls back then, his breaths coming out as heavily as my own.
There's nothing but our breathing between us, and when it starts to calm, he pulls me back to him, kissing me with an agonising gentleness.
I try to linger with the kiss, but Tobias pulls away, and says, "I don't think you have any idea how in love with you I am, Tris."
My disbelieving heart skips a beat, the shock I know should be damped hitting me with full force.
There's always going to be a small voice in my head, asking how a guy like Tobias could ever even like me, let alone love me.
But… I believe him. If there's anything on this mountain that I can be sure of, it is that I love Tobias, and Tobias loves me
