Author's Note: Hi loves! Sorry for the long wait. Grad school has kept me busy. The good news is I have most of the next chapter written so it won't be too long in between updates.

TW: references to self-harm, mentions of death, mentions of suicidal ideation

Previous Chapter Summary: Harry has therapy with Remus again. Harry has Sirius as a professor again. There's a Hogwarts staff meeting and Harry needs help, but Slughorn sends him away. Harry hurts himself and Remus and Sirius find him before bringing him back to the Marauder Quarters.

Chapter Summary: Harry has a realization. Harry has a chat with Dumbledore. Remus, Sirius, and Harry get away to an unexpected location. Harry finds something important.


Harry sat on the ground near the book and furiously flipped through the pages, trying to get to the part on destroying Horcruxes. He found it and started to read and reread the pages. Harry took the book to his desk and pulled out a piece of parchment where he could brainstorm ways to destroy the Horcrux inside him. He wrote down poison, but quickly crossed it off knowing that the poison in his second year didn't work. He wrote down other options, like the sword of Gryffindor, but he couldn't figure out how to do that without killing himself. It took about an hour before Harry had a realization.

He had to die.

Granted, he knew this was something that was coming. He knew the whole prophecy and that neither could live while the other survived, and he knew the Horcrux in him had to be destroyed. However, at this moment Harry accepted it and processed it. He sat back in his chair and ran a hand through his hair.

Before long, tears started to fall down his face, which surprised Harry. He's been passively and actively suicidal, so why should this be any different?

Harry wiped them away and thought about it. He realized that he had no control over this whereas taking his own life gave him control. Harry also knew that he couldn't die by suicide, Voldemort needed to do it.

Harry knew that this was something he had to deal with on his own.

As amazing as Remus and all the other trusted adults in Harry's life are, Harry knew that almost none of them had fully accepted his fact. However, he could think of one person.

Harry took a deep breath and put the book away before walking out of his bedroom and to the sitting room.

"I need to talk to Professor Dumbledore," Harry announced.

Remus and Sirius noticed that something had shifted with Harry. Remus could still smell the depression, hopelessness, and pain, but he also could tell that he was more settled.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked as his eyes roamed over his body.

"I'm fine, er- okay. I'm not hurt or anything. I just need to talk to Grandda."

Sirius looked to Remus who was thinking. Eventually he spoke up. "Alright. You are going to be walked to his office, though. I still don't want you alone. You can floo back."

"That's all fine. Can we go now?" Harry asked, antsy.

"Sure," Remus agreed. He turned to Sirius now. "I'll be back."

Sirius nodded and sat back down on the couch. "Let's go, Cub," Remus said.

Harry nodded and started to silently walk to Dumbledore's office.

Remus cast a silencing charm around them and said, "Harry, what's going on? I know there's something. I cast a silencing charm so no one else can hear. What is it?"

"Don't worry about it, Moony Da."

"I do. I do worry about it."

Harry sighed. "It's okay, Moony Da. I'm going to talk to Grandda about it. If it's something that's hurting myself or someone else I know he'll tell you about it. Just don't worry."

Remus bit his lip, but nodded. He had to have some trust in his son.

Remus walked Harry up the stairs and to the office. They waited until they heard Dumbledore's voice welcoming them in.

"Remus? Harry? To what do I owe the pleasure?" Albus asked, smiling.

"Harry wants to talk with you, I'm not sure what about."

Albus looked at Harry and raised his eyebrows.

"I'll be going now. Albus, please have Harry floo directly back to the Marauder Quarters when you're done."

Remus gave a look to Harry that reminded him to be safe.

"It'll be okay, Moony Da. I'll see you soon," Harry said.

Remus gave one last nod before leaving.

"Harry?" Albus asked.

"Okay, before I say anything else I'm talking to you as both Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and my grandfather."

"Okay," Albus nodded, understanding.

"Second of all, I ask that you keep this strictly between us. Complete privacy. Yeah, yeah, I know if it involves hurting myself or others you have to tell my dads, but it doesn't. Can you keep this between us?"

"Alright," Albus nodded. "I have a feeling I should sit for this conversation," Albus said, leading Harry over to two comfortable chairs.

Harry sat down and when they were settled he took a deep breath.

"I have to die."

"Excuse me?" Albus asked.

Harry sighed. "I've been doing a lot of thinking about Horcruxes and my future. I can't talk to anyone else about this. I know that I'm going to have to die for this war. I know that my godparents are insistent on finding other ways, but I know it has to happen. Please, don't lie to me."

Albus was quiet for a long time. He stood up and walked over to Fawkes and petted him for a moment before returning back to his seat.

"Yes," is all Albus said.

Harry nodded slowly. "I needed to talk to someone who understands or is at least aware of the situation. We need to destroy the rest of the Horcruxes. I can't keep living with this over my head. It's too much."

Albus saw the bandages peeking under Harry's sleeves.

"Harry…"

Harry looked down and tugged on his sleeves, trying to cover up any hints of the bandages. "This needs to be done with. I can't keep living like this. What can we do? What is left?"

"There are 3 Horcruxes left. I believe it is you, Nagini, and something belonging to Slytherin, but I can't say what."

"Where could it be?"

"I'm not sure of that, either. I have a suspicion but I cannot be certain."

Harry sighed. "What can I do in the meantime?"

"There's not much you can do except do research on what was important to Tom and Salazar."

"I don't think my parents will let me," Harry admitted.

"And when has that ever stopped you?" Dumbledore asked with a mischievous smile.

"They have kept a rather close eye on me as of late," Harry said, looking down.

"I see," Dumbledore said, more somberly. "We will just have to spend part of our lessons doing research together then."

Harry nodded. "I guess."

"Harry, are you going to be okay?" Albus asked.

Harry paused but nodded. "I need to keep processing it, but yeah. It's my destiny after all."

"I'm so sorry," Albus said, his voice incredibly sad.

Harry just pursed his lips and nodded again.

"Is there anything else you would like to ask me?" Albus asked patiently.
Harry stayed quiet, thinking for a moment. He did not really have much more to say, but wasn't ready to go back to the Marauder Quarters.

Albus seemed to sense this. "Would you like to stay here for a while? We do not have to talk. I can do some work while you stay here," Albus offered.

Harry nodded. "That sounds good; thanks, Grandda."

"Of course. I'll be at my desk if you need anything."

Harry nodded again and became more comfortable on the couch. He quickly dissociated and didn't come out of it until about forty-five minutes later when Dumbledore had put his hand on Harry's shoulder and began to talk to him softly.

"Harry? Harry?" Albus said.

"Yeah?" Harry croaked out.

"I think it's time you go back to your parents."

Harry looked down and saw that his hand was trying to scratch up his arm. He sighed, why did it always end like this with Dumbledore?

"Yeah, okay," Harry sighed.

"Can I walk back?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Remus said that you to floo back, I'm sorry."

Harry sighed again. He grabbed some floo powder and within a second he found himself back in the Marauder Quarters.

Remus and Sirius were still sitting in the sitting room, waiting for Harry to return.

"Harry! You're back!" Sirius said, standing up.

"Hi, Dads," Harry said.

"How're you doing?" Remus asked.

Harry shrugged.

"Do you want to tell us what that was all about?" Sirius asked, genuinely asking.

"Not really," Harry replied truthfully. He unknowingly brought his hand to rub against his wrist and this wasn't lost on Remus.

"Cub," Remus said gently, walking toward his godson, "What can we do for you? We're here to help you."

Harry realized what he was doing and quickly pulled his arm down at his side and played with his sleeve instead. He shrugged and looked down.

"Would you like to sit out here with us? We don't have to talk but I think it would be good if you were around someone right now," Remus said, bending down to talk to Harry.

Harry looked up and said, "Can we get out of Hogwarts, please?I just need a break from this place."

Remus looked at Harry sympathetically. "I'm so sorry Harry, but we need to stay safe. I can't think of anywhere else we could go."

"I can," Sirius said quietly, looking down.

"Pads?" Remus asked, standing up and looking at his husband.

"We can go to Grimmauld Place."

"Sirius," Remus began, but Sirius put up his hand and shook his head. "It's okay, I can handle it."

Harry had been there a few times before, but he also knew that Sirius had a complicated relationship with the house. Sirius appreciated the security but despised what took place in that house.

"It's under the Fidelius Charm. If it's good enough for Order Meetings, it'll be good enough for a few hours with Harry."

"You're right, but are you sure about this? I know it's a lot for you," Remus said.

"It is, but Harry is more important. If he needs to get out of Hogwarts to stay safe for a bit, we need to do that."
Remus couldn't argue with that.

"Dadfoot, I don't want to make you do anything you're not comfortable with," Harry said.

"I've been there for Order Meetings and have been perfectly okay. I can handle this. I'm more worried about you right now."

Harry took a deep breath. "Okay. If it's too much, just say something and we'll leave, okay?"

"I promise," Sirius said.

"Can we go now?" Harry asked, looking at Remus and Sirius.

"Grab a sweater, it might get cold in there," Remus said.

Harry dashed to his room and grabbed a sweater and his notebook. He shrunk the Horcrux book to pocket sized and put it in his pocket so his parents wouldn't see.

"I'm ready," Harry said.

Remus grabbed a cardigan of his own and Sirius was holding a sweater as well.

"Are we ready?" Remus asked.

Sirius and Harry nodded. "Let's go."

Remus flooed first, then Harry, and finally Sirius.

Harry felt a load come off of him as he stepped into Grimmauld Place. He was out. He had a chance to breathe.

"Why don't we sit together for a bit," Remus suggested.

Harry was itching to go off on his own, but he still nodded. He knew he probably should be with them right now, especially since he was scratching his arm.

"Okay," Harry said.

Harry found a comfortable spot in a chair and Remus and Sirius sat together on the couch, up close to each other.

"You did a good job picking out furniture," Harry said approvingly.

"I couldn't have done it without Remus," Sirius said.

Harry had to agree, it did have the comforting air that Remus brings.

"Is there anything you want to talk about, Cub?" Remus asked.

Harry grabbed a pillow and hugged it close to him. "I dunno."

"You and I can always talk privately if you'd like," Remus said, giving him the option.

"Not right now," Harry said.

"That is okay. If you change your mind I am right here," Remus reminded him.

Harry nodded.

It was quiet for several minutes as all three were lost in their thoughts. Harry finally spoke up and broke the silence. "It's really hard, y'know," Harry said, looking up.

"What is?" Remus asked.

"It's hard being a Horocrux. Sometimes it just becomes too much. I know, I know, I can't cut the evil out of me, but sometimes it is all I can think of doing."

Remus nodded thoughtfully. "I can understand that. Sometimes we get tunnel vision and can only focus on one thing. What are some things you could do when it gets that way?"

"I mean I can talk to you guys, of course, but that's logical thinking. I don't think logically in those moments."

"That's good self-reflection, Harry," Remus praised. "I can understand that. Holding ice, like we've talked about, is a great thing to do, but you don't always have access to that."

Harry nodded in agreement.

"Cold water can do similar things, or at least help get us out of tunnel vision. Augmenti on your hands is helpful."

"Oh yeah, you've done that to me before," Harry said, remembering.

"Grounding exercises are helpful, too. I know you've used them before."

"Yeah, that's true too," Harry said.

"Sometimes I just close my eyes and take some deep breaths. It often helps me enough to figure out my next steps," Sirius said.

"That makes sense."

"Even pausing, sitting down, and asking someone to get someone works well, too. We have the map and can be with you within a couple of minutes."

"I'll try," Harry said earnestly.

"That's all we can ask for," Remus said with a smile.

"And you won't be mad, no matter what?" Harry asked quietly.

"No matter what," Remus affirmed firmly. "We are here to help you. Always."

Harry nodded and looked down again.

It was quiet again before Sirius said, "What are you worried about, Pup?"

"I hate disappointing you both. I want to make you proud. I just know that-" Harry quickly stopped.

"What?" Sirius asked.

Harry shook his head and pursed his lips together.

I just know that our time is limited together, is what Harry wanted to say, but he knew that he couldn't say it quite yet.

"Harry, this is a safe space. You can say anything without any repercussions," Remus reminded him.

"I'm not ready to talk about it. I just talked to Grandda about it but I'm not ready to talk to you both about it. I just need time," Harry said.

"Okay," Remus said. "We're here anytime you want to share that with us."

Sirius let out a soft whine and Remus put a comforting hand over his.

Harry was thankful they were willing to drop it.

It was quiet again and Harry looked out the window. It took ten minutes before Harry felt a hand on his arm.

"Harry, Harry?"

"Moony Da! You scared me."

"I'm sorry, Harry. You didn't seem to hear me. You were pretty lost in your thoughts," Remus said.

"Sorry," Harry said.

"There's no reason to apologize. I can understand that you have a lot on your mind. Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"I'm just not ready," Harry said.

"No worries," Remus said. He glanced down at what Harry brought with him. "I see you brought your journal with you."
Harry looked down and nodded.

"Do you want to write in it? You can stay here or go somewhere else if you'd like privacy."

"You'll let me?" Harry asked.

"Do you think you can stay safe? And get us if you need us?"

"Yeah, I promise," Harry said.

"Then yes, Dadfoot and I will let you go out on your own."

A smile graced Harry's face and Remus was so happy to see it.

"I'm going to go upstairs now," Harry said, standing up.

"Remember to stay in the rooms we've cleaned out," Sirius said.

"I promise," Harry said. He quickly gave Remus and Sirius a hug before starting his way upstairs.

Harry went to Sirius' old room and sat at his desk. He pulled out his journal and the Horcrux book from his pocket. Harry got back to work on reading it and writing down what he knew.

At one point, Harry was feeling antsy. He had gone through the book from front to back multiple times and he wasn't finding what he was looking for. Harry groaned and sat back, rubbing his face.

All of a sudden, Harry got an idea.

Harry remembered that Regulus was a death eater before he died. Sirius didn't like to talk about it, but Harry had heard enough before. Harry got up and went to Regulus' room. He casually looked around the room before he sat at Regulus' desk and started to open the drawers. Harry rifled through them and then came across a well-loved leather diary. Harry gently picked it up and put it on the desk. He carefully opened it up and turned to the first page and started reading.

Harry found the diary very interesting. It began talking about his family, Sirius, and Hogwarts drama. Harry found it interesting, but also so sad. Regulus clearly loved his brother and missed him. He felt so conflicted and needed someone to guide him.
It didn't take long for the topic of Death Eaters and Voldemort to come up. Regulus was longing for belonging and found it. Harry understood why he did what he did. Honestly, Regulus was just a kid and around Harry's age. Harry had a lot of empathy for him.

It got even more interesting, however, when Harry got to the parts in the diary where Regulus started to slowly express doubt in Voldemort and the Death Eaters. It took a while, but Harry got to the point where Regulus was against Voldemort and the Death Eaters.

Harry had been interested in the diary since the beginning, but what shocked him was that Regulus knew about Horcruxes. He wasn't sure what they were called at first, but he knew there was something keeping Voldemort alive. Harry felt his heartbeat quicken when he first read the word Horcrux. Harry was frantically reading, trying to find out whatever he could about what Regulus knew. Harry had blocked out the world as he was reading.

Harry didn't know how much time had passed before there was a tap on his shoulder.

Harry jumped in his seat, terrified of who found him. He knew he had a lot of explaining to do and was going to be in a lot of trouble. Harry couldn't even turn around. There was another tap on his shoulder and a scratchy voice said, "Master Harry?"

Harry turned and looked behind him to see Kreacher standing there.

"Kreacher! You scared me!" Harry said, putting a hand over his heart.

"What are you doing in Master Regulus' room?" Kreacher asked.

"Uh," Harry's eyes darted around the room. "I'm just looking around."

Harry has always been a bad liar.

Kreacher raised an eyebrow. "I can get Master Sirius," Kreacher said, despite choking on 'Master Sirius'.

"No!" Harry cried. He sighed. "I'm just doing some research for something I'm working on. Kreacher, you can't tell anyone about this."

Harry knew that if he said that, Kreacher truly couldn't tell anyone unless Sirius ordered him to.

Kreacher grumbled, but said, "Yes Master Harry."

Kreacher peeked over Harry's shoulder. "That's Master Regulus'."

"I know. It's for research," Harry repeated.

Kreacher mumbled something under his breath and turned away, starting to walk out the door.

"Kreacher! Wait!"
Kreacher turned around, clearly not happy.
"I have a question for you about Regulus."

That sparked Kreacher's attention. He always cared for Regulus.

"Do you know anything about this?" Harry asked. He picked up the diary and pointed to a sentence, reading it aloud. "I have begun to search for the item. I have found out where it is. I will be going to retrieve it with Kreacher and destroy it. I am not sure what this mission will entail and if I will return. It, uh, goes on a little bit more, but that's the part I'm interested in."

Regulus' eyes clouded over and there was a haunted look on his face.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Kreacher, you're mentioned. Please tell me," Harry begged.

"Master Regulus does not deserve to have his legacy ruined by you," Kreacher snarled.

"I'm not trying to do that at all! Listen, Kreacher, I know what Regulus was doing. I want to help him, I promise. I want to do right by him. What happened?"

Kreacher was silent for a long time before he finally spoke up.

"He asked for my help with something," Kreacher began quietly. "We went very far to find this item. I helped him get there. There was poison. Master Regulus kept drinking it and drinking it! He finally found the item and went for some water. He was pulled under. I had to leave immediately. It's my fault!" Kreacher had large tears rolling down his face and was becoming hysterical.

"Kreacher, you're okay. It's okay," Harry said, trying to calm the House Elf down. He looked up worriedly. He didn't want Remus or Sirius to hear and come up.

When Kreacher quieted down Harry said, "The item. What happened to it? Do you still have it?"

Kreacher paused again before slowly nodding.

Harry's heart was beating fast again. He knew he was close when reading the diary, but didn't know he was that close. He knew he had to stay calm for Kreacher.

"I might," Kreacher replied.

"Kreacher, I've never asked you for anything before. I promise I want to help Regulus with this. He wanted it destroyed and I want to help him. Help me honor his last wish."

The last sentence put Kreacher over the edge. He popped away.

Harry sighed, frustrated. That was the best chance he had.

Suddenly, Kreacher popped back, holding a velvet bag in his hands. "It's in this. There is something in there Master Regulus wanted destroyed. He deserves to have his last wish granted. He deserved so much more."

Harry was worried Kreacher was going to start sobbing again, but then the house elf held out the bag.

"Take it. Do right by Master Regulus."

Harry took the bag with shaky hands. He couldn't believe this. "Thank you, Kreacher. I will do right by him. I promise."

Kreacher gave him another nod before popping away.

Harry stood there in shock for a moment before turning back to the desk. He didn't feel right taking Regulus' diary with him so he carefully put it back in his spot. He shrunk his Horcrux book and journal in his pocket along with the velvet bag and rushed downstairs.

Harry was out of breath when he got downstairs. "We need to go back to Hogwarts," Harry said quickly.
"Are you okay? Why?" Remus asked, clearly concerned.

"I need to talk to Professor Dumbledore."

"Again?" Sirius asked.

Harry impatiently bounced from one foot to the other. "It's very important. Basically an emergency."

"Harry, you need to tell us if it's an emergency. We want to keep you safe," Remus said.

Harry sighed. "Listen, you'll find out really soon; I just need to tell Grandda first."

"Okay, we hear you, Cub," Remus said, walking over to Harry. He bent down and put a hand on his shoulder. "I need you to calm down your body first. You're starting to become out of control and I want to keep you safe and calm. You've had a lot of big feelings today."

Harry had to admit that was true.

"Let's take some deep breaths together, yeah?"

Harry let out a big breath of air and nodded. He followed Remus' breathing for at least a minute before Remus looked into Harry's eyes. "Are you feeling more grounded, Cub?"

"Yeah, I am. Thanks," Harry replied honestly. He didn't realize how unregulated he was until he calmed down.

"Now, I need you to hear me on this," Remus began.

Harry nodded.

"We can go back to Hogwarts and you can talk to Professor Dumbledore, but there are some criteria that needs to be followed."

"Okay," Harry said slowly.

"You're still not left alone today. You had some time here, but back at Hogwarts someone has to be with you."

"Okay," Harry replied, slightly annoyed.

"After you meet with Albus, we are sitting down and talking. You can decide if it's just me and you, Dadfoot yourself and I, or us with Professor Dumbledore. You have been hiding important things from us and I don't like it. You're allowed to have secrets but I'm concerned about your safety. Whatever this is seems somewhat unsafe at best."

Harry internally had to admit that he was right. Having and destroying a Horcrux wasn't the safest thing he could do.

"Finally, you are going to practice some coping mechanisms. We can do them together or alone. I want to get your body regulated and do whatever we can, that's healthy, to get you back to being regulated."

Harry huffed. "Fine."

"You don't have to be happy about it, Pup, but those are our rules," Sirius said.

Harry knew he had to accept them. The Horcrux was burning a hole in his pocket and he had to get to Dumbledore ASAP.

"Okay. Can we just go now?"

Remus nodded. "We can."

Harry flooed first, anxious to get to the Headmaster's office. He knew that this was a turning point. He wasn't sure what was going to happen this evening, but it was going to be big.


Alternatives to Harming Yourself:

1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust

2. Exercise

3. Get outside and get some fresh air

4. Have a warm beverage

5. Write something down

6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist

7. Be with your pet or another animal

8. Take a nap

9. Play or fiddle with a fidget

10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)

11. Play a game

12. Bake or cook something you like to eat

13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)

14. Listen to music

15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)

16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)

Suicide Hotlines:

USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)

Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566

France: 0145394000

Italy: 800860022

UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123

Brazil: 188

India: 9999 666 555

Mexico: 5255102550

Romania: 0800 801 200