All familiar characters and events belong to Janet. The mistakes are solely mine.
I'm typically an anti-exercise, any type of exercise, person ... but there's something about Fall that makes walking seem fun rather than a legitimate form of cardio. The cool breeze smells fresher than during any other time in Jersey, so I don't even mind that it makes me pull my coat tighter to me. The crunching of leaves I keep causing while walking on the side of the road, isn't a sound that can be duplicated or accurately described for that matter. And the colors feel almost overwhelming when you first step outside in the morning ... from the blue in the sky to the red, orange, and yellow, leaves still on the trees. Those colors are only heightened by a sun that sits a little less cockily in the sky than it had in summer.
One reason Fall is my favorite season - besides getting to celebrate Halloween soon - the bright, in-your-face colors are a welcome relief from the dull, stuck-in-the-seventies ones I'm stuck living with everyday of every season in my apartment. I watched a red leaf fall off the tip of a branch, only to be immediately caught on a breeze that had it taking a good thirty seconds to land smack dab in the middle of the street. My mind and attention were so willing to be distracted, I didn't notice the sound of a vehicle creeping up behind me until the shiny, black Porsche Turbo rolled to a stop right beside me.
"Your car didn't break down," Ranger said, after he powered the passenger's window down so he could talk to me.
"No. It's in my lot. Crappy as always, but still functioning as far as I know."
"Then why are you walking? The only time I've known you to exercise on your own is when the wearing of a sexy dress is required or a psychopath is chasing you."
"Or when the weather's good and I'm feeling the need for a little fresh air. Plus, after an hour at Mary Lou's with all of her boys home, I needed some extra quiet time before getting back to my day."
He didn't look like he believed me. "What's going on?" He asked.
"Nothing. I promise. I just like this time of the year and decided today to enjoy it."
He popped the locks. "I'll give you a ride the rest of the way home."
Feeling playful, I grinned at him but started walking again. "During a rare parenting-moment, my mother told me never to get into a car with a stranger."
Not missing a beat or one of my steps, he kept his vehicle with me as we continued to talk.
"You've seen me naked, Babe. And spent considerable time kissing me and my body after I was. I hardly think that makes me a 'stranger'."
"You'd be surprised."
He just looked at me for a beat. "Get in," he finally said.
Since he went ahead and opened the car door for me, I figured it'd be rude to make him have to close it again, so I slid onto the already heated seat.
"Were you checking up on me? Or just heading in this direction and happened to spot me?"
"I wanted to talk to you."
"Well, here I am. What's up?"
He pulled back into what little traffic there was on Hamilton Avenue, but he didn't speak until I did.
"Okay, now you're worrying me. What happened? And how serious is it?"
"Depends who you ask," was his response.
Not exactly the reply I was hoping for.
"I'm asking you. And I'm going to be attached to your Porsche's seat until you start talking, so you might as well park and kill the engine when we reach my place."
I got even more concerned when he actually did what I said. Less than a minute later, he turned into my lot, parked by the back entrance of my apartment building, and shut the Turbo off before turning his upper half towards me.
He remained silent even then, which forced me to talk even more. "Ranger?"
"It's been brought to my attention that I may need to take a few days off," he told me.
I snorted in disbelief. "Yeah, right. No one would even hint that you should do something you weren't already planning to do. And you're like a machine ... you never stop working. I'm not even sure you're physically capable of taking a break even though you definitely deserve one."
"It wasn't an order. It was a concerned request from a friend."
My stomach instantly knotted as I connected the few dots I'm being given. "Tank's worried about you?"
"It appears so."
"Pocket your keys. This is a conversation that needs a couch, even a crappy one like I have upstairs. Come on."
He paused, but then nodded. We both got out and after he beeped his car locked, I curled an arm around his waist and then leaned the rest of my body into his side as he led us to the elevator and up to my apartment. We didn't say anything until I opened my door and I heard his jacket crinkle as he sat down on my couch. I dumped my shoulder bag and coat on my counter and plopped down next to him, tucking my legs up underneath me so I'd be facing him. I didn't care if the soles of my Cat boots left damp spots on my ass or the cushion. All that matters right now is Ranger.
"What got Tank speaking up?" I asked him.
"I almost killed one of our FTAs today during an apprehension."
I couldn't breathe for a full ten seconds. Ranger's control is legendary. Even when he's pissed, he'll just calmly kick a door in and act like he was just politely invited inside for tea. I know he's killed people. I unfortunately even had to witness it firsthand when I got in a little over my head a couple of times. But to almost kill someone in a way that bothered both he and Tank ... scared the shit out of me.
"Can you fill me in on the details?" I asked, not wanting to push but needing him to know that I'm here to listen to anything he feels he has to get out of his system.
"One year ago today, the building my men and I had just seized after an hours-long fight, got hit with an RPG shortly after. Half of my team were gone in the span of one suspended breath. Not for my lack of trying to save each and every one of them though, despite knowing on some level that there was no hope of sending them home in anything other than coffins."
"Oh God, Ranger. I'm so sorry, not only for your loss, but that you had to see it. No wonder Tank wants you to take a break. This is serious. You shouldn't be doing anything more than just getting through today."
"Tank wants me offline and off the job so I don't hurt anyone unnecessarily, Babe, myself included. That's not the same thing as being offered a designated day to grieve. I sidelined myself because I couldn't promise him that a switch wouldn't get flipped before I can stop it."
"So you're … what? Getting physically away from the job?"
"Yes. One, to put space between myself and the general public until I get myself back under control. Two, to have time to reprocess the deaths I somehow survived and beat back the guilt that comes along with that, so one asshole with a big mouth won't get my Glock immediately shoved into it. If Tank hadn't stepped in, not collecting a capture fee would be the least of Rangeman's problems."
My breath hissed out of fear. "Alright. So you came to see me so you could talk to someone about this? Or you were just going to let me know that you're purposely going quiet so I can worry a little less? Though I really don't think you should be alone right now."
"I'm glad you said that. I decided to head to one of our safe houses for a few days and I was wondering if you'd be interested in keeping me company?"
"Ummm ..."
That was all I could manage as my mind ran through all the possible ramifications of leaving Trenton with him. It's not that I'm scared of him, I'm terrified for him ... and also for myself. I have no defense against - or resistance to - Ranger. I have even less when I'm left alone with him.
He must have felt that my silence is working against him and decided to go persuasive on me.
"If you're enjoying Fall here, the safe house borders a state forest so you can be surrounded by even more dramatic foliage. The grounds are technologically-laced with all the cutting edge toys Hector has come up with, so you can sleep with the windows wide open without worrying about a psycho crawling through them. And once Ella heard that I would be heading here to see you, she wrapped up a pan of Caramel Apple Cinnamon Rolls that you can eat while sipping hot cocoa tonight as we relax on a deck half-overhanging a small lake."
That got my attention for a number of reasons. "I didn't smell any snacks while I was in your car," I pointed out.
I like to believe that I'm a connoisseur of snacks. I would've known there was something cinnamony in my immediate vicinity.
"I had Ella put them in an animal-proof cooler so neither bears nor Babes could detect the scent of them. I wanted you to say yes because of me, not the food I brought along."
"That was a gamble," I teased to lessen the weight of what is riding on this moment.
"I would've used them shamelessly and without remorse if you had said 'No' outright. Since you haven't yet, I'll add that if you do come with me, I will become less of a stranger to you that you suggested I was before finally getting into my car."
"But the tidbits I've gotten since I've known you, have me wondering if that's really a good idea."
"Because you don't trust that I'll never hurt you?"
"No. Your goal in life seems to be making sure no harm comes to me. I'm more worried that by the end of a weekend alone with you, you'll have me caring even more about you ... in a way I won't be able to recover from if Monday morning you're feeling better and want to go right back to just being overly-familiar friends."
"Since you brought it up, ask yourself this, Steph. Am I really the one who wants us to remain unattached?" He asked.
Guess he's not so upset he forgot about a few of my dumber moments.
"You said your life doesn't lend itself to relationships," I said, trying to deflect. "And something about a ring not being needed when it comes to us, but a condom would be good. I'm paraphrasing, but I got the gist that a good time was preferred over a lifetime."
"Since you remember those comments, do you also happen to recall the number of times afterwards I've admitted I've thought of marrying you, and expanded on that by saying I've pictured what being married to you would be like? Correct me if I'm wrong here, but we even pretended to be married for a job and neither of us had any complaints about our time playing house except that Morelli showed up and ended it. But you've never once given me any indication that something serious with me is something you'd ever seriously consider. Spending time with me was alright if you were being threatened or feeling flirty, but you always went home without a promise for more."
"Looks like we're both pretty messed up."
"A weekend away could help us clear some stuff up," he pressed.
"Or we could just end up hurting each other more."
"If I'm being honest, the only times I've hurt more than I had this day last year, was when my daughter was kidnapped because of her connection to me, and those scares where I thought you'd been taken and likely already killed before I could find you. What does that tell you?"
"That you care a lot about those you let in. And that just made up my mind for me. Let me go get a bag packed. I'll be back in a minute."
His body went still. "You're agreeing to come away with me?"
"Yes. You've always been there when I've needed you. I wouldn't be much of a friend if I chose to let you suffer alone. I can't take away the pain you're in for something that isn't your fault, nor something you could've single-handedly prevented, but I can sit beside you - possibly even hold you - while you're dealing with it."
"Are you only accompanying me as a friend?"
"Not exactly. I'm quickly cramming things into a bag, calling Tank to tell him you're safe with me and to send someone for Rex, and I'm getting back into your car with no questions asked, as a friend ... but more importantly as the woman who loves you yet is too much of a wimp to admit it."
He leaned in closer. "You're admitting it now."
"I guess I am. Sooooo ... what're you gonna do about it?"
He kept up eye contact as his head moved inch-by-slow-inch to mine, telling me without words that I can stop him at anytime without him getting mad at me. I'm more focused on encouraging him than cooling what's suddenly heating up between us. When he realized I'm not about to pull away, he slid all ten fingers into my curls and brought me the rest of the way to him. I was already parting my lips before I felt the warmth of his breath against me as his mouth was settling over mine. I thought it was going to be a hot and hungry kiss, all tongue and impatient hands. But while our tongues were definitely involved, he took his time kissing me ... like we have all the time in the world.
Yeah ... we still have lots of things to discuss, and there's a painful memory and anniversary we have to get him through, but maybe this kiss is his way of showing me that we do have whatever time we need, because from here on in and out ... we'll be together for just about every minute of it.
