Chapter 4

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam

"I will find the way, or I will make one"


There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world.
The spirits of our foolish deeds haunt us, with or without repentance.
-Mrs. Falchion


Morning came and he was aware of things. The sound of the birds. The flow of the water. The branches creaking overhead. His ears flicked towards the sleeping humans. He'd slept, worn out, and judging from the twinge in his abdomen, still healing. But it wasn't completely unbearable.

And then it struck.

Dead. The word repeated over and over. Dead. Dead. Dead.

How could he have forgotten?

The desire to thrash something, alive or inanimate, swelled within him, destruction for the sheer sake of destruction, so something else would know what he felt right then. But the overwhelming grief kept his body anchored to the ground, where he'd presumably passed out, though he didn't have the energy or the wherewithal to try to leap into the branches overhead.

The sunlight streamed through canopy, sparkling down on the ground below.

His abdominals throbbed, probably still healing from the battle yesterday. It would take him a few days to heal. Maybe a week. But she'd never—

"Inuyasha?" Miroku asked, breaking his train of thought. "Are you hungry?" His voice sounded too thick.

"Breakfast is almost ready," Sango added, sniffling. Her eyes were red, puffy, her face blotchy and pale.

"No," he said, quiet, soft. He exhaled, almost a sigh.

"I really think you should eat. You'll need it to heal." Miroku insisted. His cheeks had spots where the skin was irritated, like he'd been rubbing his cheek constantly.

"I'll be fine. I've had worse."

"Inuyasha—" Sango started, but there was a quiet noise from Miroku. He knew that they meant well, but he wasn't ready to deal with their incessant demands. He was part youkai. He didn't need food and sleep like the rest of them. Hell, if he'd just let her go home like she'd asked—his chest froze and tightened with realization.

It's my fault. He stared at the canopy, eyes darting between the light and the shadows as it shifted in the wind. It's my fault. I made her come back early. She'd wanted to stay and study and I made her come back.

He could hear them eating. Even Kirara was eating something, probably fish. He grimaced, blanching at the idea of eating anything from the river. He might not be able to eat fish ever again.

"I want to go." He stood, stretching his arms above his head and holding back a wince as it pulled on his stomach.

"Of course, Inuyasha," Miroku deftly put the remains of the fire out, and Sango quickly gathered up their belongings.

They moved downriver at a steady pace. Kirara and Sango had taken to the air to scour the river, while Miroku and Inuyasha scanned both sides of the riverbed. They moved slower than normal; there just—there just wasn't a need to hurry. He should be more upset, but he felt—numb almost. Like there was a barrier from feeling it all full force. He could feel echoes of it, and he knew that it was there and that it should feel much more intense than now, but it was all so, well, numb.

He really wished that she would appear, and he half expected her to just show up, sitting on the ground, wringing her wet hair and complaining about the cold and how she wanted to go to a hot spring. He also expected her to appear, pale, bonelessly limp, her eyes glazed over and unseeing—he shook his head to dislodge his own morbid, but justifiable, thoughts.

He hadn't even caught a trace of her scent, meaning that she'd been in the water for a while. She'd been out there, alone, cold—he scoffed internally. It didn't matter. She was dead, wasn't she? Dead because he'd failed and screwed up the one truly good thing that'd come into his life since his mother died. Almost two centuries of just existing and then he had a glorious purpose. And it was so, so simple. Protect her, keep her safe, keep her not-dead. And could he manage that? No. He was every bit the royal fuck up that Sesshomaru kept reminding he was.

She hadn't even been coming here a full year!

Glorious purpose. Now, it was just gone, wasted. He'd had the chance to prove himself, prove himself worthy of carrying his father's blood and his sword.

Shit. Tetsusaiga. Would it even transform now that she was—? He fingered the rough grip of the sword, curious enough to try but too afraid of the answer. And did it really matter in the end? He should just give the damn thing to Sesshomaru if it wasn't going to work. But Kagome would never forgive him for that. She'd be so angry with him. Hell, her mother would—

Oh God. Her mother. He would have to tell her. How could he face her? What would she do? This would crush her. She'd always put so much faith in his ability to protect her only daughter. How was he supposed to tell her he failed? And Souta? Her grandfather?

Would it be worse to bring news of Kagome's death? Or bring her body back in tow? How were you even supposed to ask such a thing?

Would they let him come visit her grave? Or would they forbid him from returning?

They'd trusted him with so much, and he'd failed them all magnificently.

"—asha?"

He snapped his head to look at Miroku, who stared at him with a slight frown and furrowed brows.

"What do you want?" He snapped. He quickly jerked his fingers away from the beads around his neck that he hadn't realized he'd been fondling.

He'd never be able to take them off. She was the only one that could. Though, the thought of removing them felt like removing an essential piece of himself. It was one of the few physical, tangible pieces that she'd given him, even if it was in a fit of anger, and it wasn't like he didn't need to be collared at the time. He was every bit the wild dog that they accused him of being.

"Sango said there's evidence of a disturbance ahead," he said, clearly repeating himself.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," he mumbled and leapt ahead in the direction that Miroku gestured.

It was well past mid-day now. Normally, Kagome would be insisting that they break and take a rest. She would've also insisted on having lunch. Had they done that today? Did they forget? Did they just really not need one? Did that really matter? Even if she was the only one that needed it, he still would have stopped. Maybe he would have griped about it just to piss her off, but he would have given in eventually. He wouldn't have let her starve.

He could see what Sango was talking about. She and Miroku landed just behind him. There were trees knocked over and large divots in the land. There was some blood, but it smelled like snake. Though, unless it was a really small demonic snake, it wasn't enough blood to signify immediate death. Not enough blood anywhere to have been enough to kill it. His hand rested on his sword as he heard something moving in the trees. His ears pricked towards the treeline as his eyes followed suit.

"What do you hear?" Sango asked.

"I don't know." A lengthy pause of silence. "It stopped moving whatever it was." He waited a few more breaths before releasing his grip. He turned towards the others, focusing on where Kirara was sniffing around an area near the water a few paces away. "What's she doing?" He asked and they both turned towards her. She looked up at the trees just as Inuyasha caught the sound of something moving and the distinct smell of snake. It launched out of the trees, mouth open, aiming straight for Miroku.

It was fast, but Inuyasha was faster and had several issues that had yet to be emotionally dealt with this morning. His claws went straight through the soft flesh of its underbelly, piercing and tearing, knocking it off course with ease. Swinging its head around, it narrowed its eyes at Inuyasha.

"I already lossst one meal thisss morning. Ssstay out of thisss, half-breed."

The wind shifted and Inuyasha froze, every muscle locking into place. It was her. Her scent. Weak, but it was there, wafting just on the breeze.

"Inuyasha?" Sango hissed behind him as the snake collected itself.

"Where is she?"

The snake laughed a low hissing sound as it stared at the three of them.

"I found the meal firssst!"

"Not what I asked," Inuyasha flexed his fingers, knuckles crackling. "Now, tell me where she is."

"What is going on?" Sango growled out. He could hear her fingers shifting on the holds of Hiraikotsu.

"Ssstupid bird ssstole her! I found her! Sshe wasss mine!"

"He's not talking about Kagome, is he?" Sango's voice was quiet and tremulous, wavering more the longer she spoke. "Please tell me—"

"Explain you worthless piece of shit," Inuyasha commanded, holding his hands up to show his claws. The snake thumped his tail against the ground.

"Why ssshould I tell you?" He snapped his jaws, sharp clicking noises coming from his fangs.

"Because, if you don't, we will kill you," Miroku added, staff jingling as he lightly thumped the end in the ground.

"The half-breed wantsss to kill me." It shifted slightly, as if preparing itself to strike or be struck. "What promisssesss do I have?"

"Our word," Miroku answered.

"Hmm," the snake mused. "Not enough." The snake, now coiled, lunged, mouth open again, towards them.

"Don't kill it!" Sango shouted as Inuyasha was already mid-swing. Snarling, he clenched his fists, striking the snake in the nose. It spiraled back onto the ground, but Inuyasha was already on top of it. Miroku slapped it with a sutra, freezing it in place.

"How dare you!" It roared, body frozen.

"You tried to eat me!" Miroku sounded halfway indignant.

"Answer the question!" Inuyasha snarled, knocking another punch into the snake's jaw.

"Was the girl dressed in strange clothes? White and green?" Sango asked, shifting her grip on Hiraikotsu, a nervous habit.

"Perhapsss."

"Which direction was she taken?" Sango's voice hitched.

"Towardsss the rabbit dragon," the snake offered.

"You're sure?" Miroku asked, staffing jingling. The snake gave a slight grin.

"You could hear her ssscream for milesss."

Inuyasha stiffened. Back ramrod straight. Ears tilted so far forward it painfully strained something in his scalp.

"What?" The question came out on an exhale.

"What did you say?" Sango asked, equally breathless. One of them slumped to the ground behind him, probably Sango since the jingling of the staff wasn't there.

If she was screaming— His mind blanked at the implications, and all he could hear for a moment was the rush of blood in his ears and his own heartbeat. She was alive. Tetsusaiga pulsed next to his hip, and he glanced down, trying to calm the sudden rage that violated his blood.

"She survived the fall," Miroku whispered. "She's alive. How—"

"We have to go," Inuyasha started. "Rabbit dragon. Towards the mountains."

"Releassse me!" The snake hissed.

"Figure it out," Inuyasha shouted back as he leapt towards the trees, leaping from branch to branch, following Kirara as she flew overhead.

There's still time. There's still time.