Chapter 18
Amicitia quae desinere potest, vera nunquam fuit
"A friendship that can cease, was never a true friendship"
"We cross our bridges as we come to them
and burn them behind us,
with nothing to show for our progress
except a memory of the smell of smoke,
and the presumption that once our eyes watered."
—Rosencratz and Guildenstern Are Dead
It was noise that woke her, jolting her out of a sound sleep. She was in a hut, a fire going behind her, and an immediate panic seized her. She whipped her head towards the muted voices scrambling backwards, disturbing the blankets laid over her.
"Kagome!"
"Child, calm down," Kaede told her, reaching for her shoulder.
She was panting, heart beating fiercely within her chest, her hands clutching at the unfamiliar clothes. Sango moved to her other side.
"Kaede? Sango?" She whispered, disbelieving her eyes. She couldn't be here. She couldn't be—
"Aye child, you're safe. There's no need to be afraid." She nodded, allowing Sango to help her move back onto the bedding as Kaede brought her a cup of tea. Fixing the blankets around her, Sango rubbed her back to soothe her.
"Sango already told me part of the tale," Kaede stated, handing her the cup of tea and then sitting down. Kagome's hands shook as she took the cup from her, and Sango continued rubbing her shoulder blades.
Kagome's eyes flit to Sango in question as to how much Kaede knows. How much did she tell her? Kaede nudged the cup in her hand, and she brought the trembling cup to her lips, taking a small sip. She didn't want to tell her; she didn't want to tell anyone. She swallowed, feeling the lump in her throat as it went down. She brought the cup back down to her lap, trying to hide the shaking of her fingers.
"How—How much?" Kagome asked, stuttering her question out. Kaede gripped her wrist gently over the bandages.
"Kagome," her voice was soft and gentle. "Whatever ye need of me, I will gladly give it."
So, she knew then. At least she wasn't looking at her like she was disgusted. That—that was an improvement, right? Kagome gave her a nod, staring at her lap. She picked at the fabric of the blanket with a fingernail.
They were clean. Her hands were clean.
They shouldn't be.
They should be covered in lake bed and grime. She should be filthy. Maybe she was; maybe this was all a dream, a dying dream where she was safe again. She'd felt like she was dying. She looked back up at Kaede, who simply smiled at her.
"It is quite the tale. Ye are very lucky to be here at all from the sound of it."
She looked away and stared at the cup in her lap.
"Kagome," Kaede continued. "There are some things that we do not know." She paused, clearly considering how to continue. "Things that are important for us to know how to help ye better." Kaede leaned forward and rested a hand on her knee. "Could you tell us what happened when ye were taken?"
"You said you knew," Kagome stated, voice shaking. She glanced between the two of them. "I don't know who they were. They were just two men."
"Aye, the first time, but we don't know what happened or who took ye a few days ago."
"The youkai told us that it was a woman that promised them—" Sango's voice drifted off as Kagome's internal voice roared in her own ears.
Kikyo. Kikyo took her. The panic and sobs built in her chest. She opened her mouth to try and say something—anything—but nothing comes out, and she can only look at them, staring, eyes wide and panicked. Sango managed to take her tea before she dissolved into body shaking wailing. Kaede pulled her close, and she cried into her shoulder, clutching at her shirt with weak fingers.
How could she tell Kaede that her sister, her practically perfect sister, one she lavished praise on at every turn, tried to kill her?
Oh God.
How was she going to tell Inuyasha?
He'd never believe her. He'd never believe that Kikyo could do something like this. It would just make him hate her more. She could barely stand the way he avoided her now. If she told him, he'd cut her off completely. He'd hate her, and she wouldn't survive that.
She couldn't even feel the shards anymore. Not a single tingling feeling and she knew that they had to be close by. She couldn't feel any auras or youki like before. Just the quiet.
Her reiki was gone. Everything felt empty. She felt lost. She blinked a couple times, taking a steadying breath, her entire body quivering at the effort it took.
"Kagome?" Kaede asked, and Kagome slowly brought her eyes up to look at her. "I will never force ye to talk. Ye know this?" Kagome nodded, and Kaede brought her forward into a hug. Her arms wrapped around her back, and one of her hands stroked her hair. Kagome clutched at her shirt and cried, a soft weeping sound.
She wanted to talk, but she couldn't tell them. They were too close; they would tell Inuyasha, and she couldn't live without him. She'd tried; she couldn't.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."
"There's nothing to be sorry about, child," Kaede answered. "Though I do ask that ye not give an old lady such a fright in the future. It's not good on our hearts, ye know."
"Okay," she whispered. After a few moments, Kaede pulled back, handing Kagome her cup of tea again.
"Drink this. It will help." Kaede nudged the tea cup towards her once more. Taking a small sip, she appreciated the small flavors in the cup. Sango's fingers ran through her hair, slow movements that lightly scratched her shoulder blades.
"I'm sorry. I just can't—" She stared. She owed them something, right?
"The injury is still fresh, child. There's no need to stress yourself more." Kagome nodded.
She knew that her time here was limited.
Once they found out, there was literally nothing left that she had to add to the benefit to the group. She brought supplies, but her only real credit was her reiki. And that was, apparently, long gone. She felt literally nothing. It made her chest burn just thinking about it.
"Kagome," Kaede started. Kagome raised her head to look at her, well, former, she supposed that was the appropriate title for her now, mentor. Kaede's eye narrowed as she watched her, making Kagome shift uncomfortably under the hard stare. Did she know already? Had she figured it out? Maybe she was looking closely now? What if she told Inuyasha? She wasn't ready to tell anyone! She wasn't ready to tell him! "Are ye hungry?" Kagome shook her head, and Kaede took a sip from her own cup. "Perhaps you would like to sit outside for a bit. The weather is quite nice today." She took the cup from her and set it to the side.
Kagome gave a slow nod, glancing towards the mat, and felt Sango's hand rest on her shoulder blades.
"Do you want to go? I can help you up, and Kirara can help too." There was a pause. "It's really not a big deal. We can go now, if you want." Sango stared at her, waiting for her answer. "We don't have to go. If you want to stay here, we can stay here too."
"I think," Kagome paused, rolling the idea over in her head. Outside sounded nice. She could see the sun drifting through the mat over the door. But inside was safe. Sango and Kaede wouldn't let anyone hurt her. Turning to face Sango, she asked, "It's not too much trouble?"
"Never!" Sango replied with a grin. She stood easily, and, for a moment, Kagome felt jealous at the ease of her movements. Her leg was still stiff, and her rib cage, now that she was paying attention to it, was equally sore.
Sango grabbed her forearms and pulled her up deftly onto her feet, which didn't ache as much as she'd remembered. She looped Kagome's arm around her neck, supporting her easily now that some of her muscle strength had returned. She realized that she was dressed in one of Kaede's spare yukatas.
Kirara bounded ahead and transformed in a flash of fire, laying on the ground, waiting for them. She let out a rumbling purr, seemingly happy to help. Sango helped her up, and then climbed on behind her.
"Where to?" Sango asked, a genuine smile on her face. She'd turned towards Kagome to ask where to go, leaning in to ask the question.
"The field with all the flowers? The one with the big tree?"
"On the hill facing the mountains?"
Kagome nodded, and Sango beamed at her.
"That will be perfect today! It's so pretty out, you're going to love it!" Sango turned towards the door as Kirara was standing up. "Kaede, we're going to the eastern field." She stabilized Kagome as Kirara stood up fully, making sure that she stayed on her back and didn't wobble or fall.
"Mmm, that should offer you some peace and quiet on a day like today. I will see ye later. Send someone if ye need anything." Sango gave a short wave to her before situating herself carefully on Kirara.
A subtle nudge from Sango and Kirara took off at a slow jog towards the tree line, following the path towards the, hopefully, empty field. She avoided the farming fields and rice paddies. Kagome let out a small sigh of relief at not having to see any villagers. She just didn't want the stares, the whispering, the looks on their faces. It would all come soon enough when the rumors spread, if they weren't already.
It didn't take long for them to get arrive at the field.
The field was empty, and Kirara stopped aside the large tree with the massive canopy that stretched out. It would make for a great climbing tree, or at least that's what she's always thought. Sango helped her down, keeping her from face planting herself into the dirt. They both sat down, leaning against the trunk of the tree.
The sunlight angled in such a way that it shined down on their legs, and Kagome relished in the warmth. But something about being in the trees made her heart pound and her stomach twist. She'd been fine in the hut, but now, she felt like her chest was too tight. It felt so familiar and terrifying.
"Feeling okay?" Sango asked and Kagome realized that she had white knuckled her hands into the yukata's fabric, wrinkling it irreversibly.
"Yeah," she answered. Sango's hand closed over her own, and Kirara gently climbed onto her thigh and settled down into her lap, carefully avoiding her wound, which remained heavily wrapped and padded under the soft cloth of Kaede's clothing.
Sango and Kirara were here, and neither of them would let anything get her. They would stop anyone—anyone—who tried to take her away.
"I missed this," Sango sighed, leaning her head back against the tree trunk. Kagome's fingers gently rolled through Kirara's fur.
"Missed what?" Kagome asked, looking over at her. She gave a smile, looping her arm through Kagome's at the elbow.
"This," she gestured, "Everything has been so—we've been so scared—I honestly thought that—that I was going to have to bury you too." Her voice caught, and she cleared it repeatedly.
"I'm sorry," Kagome murmured.
"Don't be," Sango let out a wet sounding laugh as she wiped her eyes. "You're here and that's all that matters, right?"
No. She wanted to say that it didn't. Because nothing was going to be the same again. As soon as they found out, Kagome would be dead weight. Right now, she still had worth, because they thought that she could see the shards. They would still want her, because she was useful.
You were always useless. Meaningless.
Kirara trilled, ears flicking at something happening behind her, before laying her head back down in Kagome's lap.
Footsteps came from the pathway, and Kagome's stomach leapt up her throat so quickly, she could feel the burn of the acid.
The soft jingling of a familiar staff came down the same pathway, and Miroku emerged a few moments later with a grin on his face.
Kagome took a shaky breath, trying to calm her raging heart beat as it thundered so loudly, she was sure everyone else could hear it.
"Ah, Lady Kaede said you two would be here," he said with a grin as he crossed the meadow and sank down beside them. "It's good to see you up and about, Kagome. How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine," she answered quickly. Too quickly based on the look Miroku gave her. There was a lengthy pause, and that only made her more and more nervous the longer it went on. "I haven't seen Shippo," she practically blurted the sentence out of her mouth in an effort to kill the oppressive silence.
"We wanted to make sure that you got some rest, so Kaede sent him out to play with the village children until this evening," Miroku explained. "He's been anxious to see you."
"He's not the only one," Sango muttered. Miroku shot her a look, and she huffed in frustration.
"Well, I assure you, Shippo will be very excited that you are awake and moving around." He gave a quick smile. "Be prepared for him to not let you go."
"Again, not the only one," Sango muttered, and this time Kagome glanced in her direction, tilting her head slightly in confusion.
"Sango, let it go. It worked out for the best, didn't it?"
"Still an asshole about the whole thing," Sango muttered.
Miroku let out a sigh, and he turned back to Kagome.
"Well, I, for one, am certainly glad that you're feeling well enough to sit outside."
Kagome opened her mouth to speak, when there was a sharp shriek, turning quickly towards the noise and gripping Sango's arm as tightly as her hand allowed. Birds broke through the canopies, spreading out across the sky, dissipating as they went their separate ways. Sounds drifted out, and she focused in on that one singular sound, trying to see if it happened again.
She knew that Sango was shouting, but it was muted, like she was under water. She knew what that sounded like, how her lungs had burned, her body thrashing, begging for air that didn't exist. Her hand reached up to her shoulder. She'd shot an arrow. She was already drowning, but Kikyo had wanted to be sure.
The brightness of the sun dimmed, as she searched the trees for him, for something, anything that would make her feel safe again.
Was it Kikyo? Had she come back? Did she realize that Kagome had survived after all and now wanted to finish what she'd started?
What would they do?
You were always useless. Meaningless.
Kikyo's words filtered up through her head again.
"Kagome?" Miroku leaned up onto his knees, hand resting on her shoulder. "What's wrong?" Kagome dragged her eyes away from the trees and met Miroku's. "Kagome, breathe." He put both hands on her shoulders, and she took a deep shuddering breath. Her chest burned, and her eyes watered as she took shallow breaths, even though it didn't feel like it was alleviating the burn that raged through her chest. Sango still clutched her hands in her own, squeezing them. A breeze blew through the meadow, and Kagome shuddered. "Perhaps, I should get a blanket. From Kaede's."
"I think that's a good idea. I'd hate for you to get a cold, Kagome," Sango added as she helped her settle back against the tree.
"Good. I'll be back in a moment," Miroku said, taking his staff and hurrying back along the path.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Kagome whispered.
Sango wrapped her arm around Kagome's shoulders, pulling her against her side.
"Don't apologize, Kagome," Sango murmured, as she kissed the crown of her head. "I—We just want you to feel better. That's it, okay?"
Kagome nodded, reaching up to grab her fingers at her shoulder.
"Kagome!" Shippo's voice echoed through the quiet, and Kagome flinched at the sudden noise. The small kitsune darted towards them through the flowers. Sango read the kit's movements, and so did Kirara, who leapt in front of Shippo as Sango put her hand up.
"Shippo, stop!" Shippo skidded to a halt and looked between the two of them.
"Kagome?" He asked. "What's wrong?"
"Shippo, remember what we talked about?" The kit's gaze darted between the two of them. He gave a quick nod. "Kagome is still hurt. You can't jump at her like that while she's hurt. Remember, you have to move slow, and you have to be gentle."
The little kit nodded, and then slowly approached Kagome.
"Can I give you a hug?" Shippo asked in a quiet voice. Kagome let out a sob and held her arms open to him. Shippo climbed into her lap, and Kagome wrapped her arms tightly around his small little frame, burying her face into his soft red hair.
"I missed you, Shippo," she cried into his hair.
"I missed you too," he murmured, nuzzling her chest, holding her back. Her ribs were starting to burn, but she wasn't about to let him go. "I'm sorry you got hurt."
A blanket draped across her shoulders, but she continued holding onto Shippo. He felt like the lifeline of normalcy, and if she let go, things would fall apart completely. She just needed everything to go back to the way we were. She just needed them to remember her, see her, like she was. Shippo did. Why couldn't they?
Kagome felt the sun on her legs, Sango to her right, Miroku to her left, and a small fox kit in her lap.
"Kagome?" Shippo asked, and she lifted her head enough to look down into his green eyes. "Can I pick you some flowers?" He scrunched his nose a little and looked to Sango. "Flowers help you feel better, right?" He glanced at Miroku before looking back to Kagome, as if asking permission. She nodded, and he carefully climbed off her lap and darted out on all fours into the meadow; his little feet kicked up dirt as they went.
Kagome pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders as the wind picked up. She yawned, and Sango tugged her gently towards her, urging her to lie down on her side.
"Here," she said, letting Kagome pillow her head on her legs. "This way you can still watch Shippo."
The meadow was bright, colorful, and welcoming. Shippo's head popped up in random spots as he studied each bloom that caught his eye. Sango's hand rested lightly on her shoulder. If she tilted her head slightly, she could see the top of Miroku's staff leaning against the trunk. With the great tree at her back, the only thing missing was the hanyou, who'd disappeared, forsaking her for ashen clay.
A/N: Today is my brother's birthday. He would be 33 this year, but he died at 25 from pediatric sarcoma in 2013. He really liked Naruto, and he'd probably really like My Hero Academia. He was considered mentally retarded, but he drove his own car and worked a full-time job as a salesman. He volunteered so much at church that they named the Sunday school after him, and his guest book literally ran out of spaces for people to sign in at his wake and funeral. We had to shuttle people in from the Walmart parking lot across the street, and people literally waited hours to say goodbye and pay their respects. In short, today is a hard day.
If I hadn't said it before, thank you all for your responses and comments. It means so much to me that you guys are enjoying it and look forward to the updates.
