Chapter 31
Volo, non valeo
"I am willing but unable."


"He just screamed and screamed
and all that time we didn't know
that he was screaming because he hurt."
A Million Little Pieces


First things first, they were wrong, he was right. That's all that needed to be said about it, and that's all that anyone needed to know.

And of course, the fucking hag refused to put up her barrier now.

So he'd made his own for her.

"Inuyasha," Miroku's voice came through the sheet as he stepped inside, and Inuyasha, in response, only clutched the sleeping girl tighter against him. His growl resonated his warning to stay back. "Would you please listen to reason?"

"I will when someone actually says something fucking smart!"

Miroku sighed, stared at the ceiling for a moment before rubbing the bridge of his nose, like he was somehow inconvenienced by this whole thing.

"We can't examine her like this," he started.

"Well too fucking bad!"

"Inuyasha!" Miroku rammed the heel of his staff into the floor.

He snarled, loud and low in response, and Miroku took a step back in surprise.

"You know we would never hurt Kagome. We only want to make sure there's nothing else wrong." Miroku cleared his throat.

"She's fine," Inuyasha said, moving to a crouched position, preparing to flee and take the girl in tow.

"Inuyasha," Miroku started again, a pleading tone in his voice.

"You should go, monk," he growled out in warning, turning slightly to keep Kagome out of his sight as much as he could without losing sight of the man himself.

Miroku made a face before stepping out of the room, the soft jingling of his staff following his departure.

Inuyasha settled back onto the wooden floor, letting her body relax into his lap. Freeing one hand, he untied his fire rat, shifting it off his shoulders and letting it slide to the floor. He listened for just a moment as they whispered in the next room, like he couldn't hear them.

Idiots.

"No, if we push more, he'll flee," Miroku explained. "He'll just take Kagome with him."

Monk wasn't dumb as shit after all.

"And who knows how long it'll take to find him," Sango added.

"Aye, it would only complicate matters further." Kaede let out a sigh. "Let an old woman think for a bit. Miroku, Sango, could ye both continue researching today? We will need to break this soon. I fear, she will not withstand another attack."

"Neither can Inuyasha," Miroku commented, and he heard the monk's staff disappear beyond the reed mat in the doorway as he and Sango left the hut.

Inuyasha could move quickly and efficiently when he wanted, and he wrapped Kagome in his robe with a grace and finesse that she would've been impressed to see.

But she was safe now. His own barrier wrapped around her, protecting her like only he could. His fire rat and himself would keep her safe from everything.


It's been an entire day, and she hasn't moved at all. He kept her close, holding her firmly against him. Here, he could finally smell her and feel her heart beat and feel her breathe against him. He buried his nose into her hair, almost snuffling into her scalp; he could smell her again, and he would never, never, give it up. Never again. He could never be separated from her like that again.

"Inuyasha?" Kaede asked, stepping inside the storage room. The sheet had come down with the day's events, and she'd made no offer to rehang the damn thing, because of course not.

Inuyasha shifted away from her, Kagome's bare foot dragging against the wood as he moved her.

"Let me see her," she ordered as she moved towards him. His head snapped towards her approaching figure as she reached a hand out towards Kagome. Quickly shifting his grip, he clutched her against his chest, one hand sliding into her hair as the other wrapped around her hips, bringing her closer to him, keeping her body pressed against his own.

He snarled loudly, louder than was needed, but when she didn't retreat, he snapped his fangs at her outstretched fingers. A low vibrating growl echoing across the walls.

"Step back, hag," his voice was low and gravely as he spoke slowly.

Kaede let out a soft sigh and retracted her hand. Inuyasha didn't relax his hold at all.

"Have you even set her down at all today?"

"She's safer with me. I ain't letting her go."

Another long exhale came from Kaede, and she glanced out to the main room before looking back at him.

"I am sorry, Inuyasha," she started, and his eyes shifted away from her and back to Kagome.

"You're not touching her," he argued, letting his grip slacken a little, just enough to let her rest in his lap.

"If I thought she were in any danger, I would have taken precautions."

"Like what?" He snapped. "You don't even know what started it."

"No, but neither do ye," she countered. "We have been working diligently to remedy the curse. Miroku's work has been thorough, and I believe that he has found a couple of solutions. But we need to examine Kagome before we progress any further."

"You're not taking her from me!"

"No one would ever dream of such a thing, Inuyasha." He stared, watching her, judging her sincerity. She'd taken her away before. Locked him out. Kept him away from her.

How dare she!

"Inuyasha, I promise ye, we will not make ye give Kagome up. But we still need to examine her before continuing on this path."

His grip had tightened again, and he cradled her close again.

He just—he couldn't lose her again. But he also knew that this curse, it could take her from him too. If he didn't do this, he could hurt her.

"I—" he started, swallowing down the gravelly feel of his voice. "I need a minute." He looked up at Kaede, who merely smiled down at him, giving him a little nod of the head before starting towards the doorway. She left, and he exhaled.

His fingers traced the softness of her jaw line.

He make sure that she ate more when she woke up.

Her hair smelled of sweat and dirt.

He could take her to the hot springs when she was better.

Her heart fluttered under the scope of his ears, and her forehead was cool and clammy where he rested his cheek against her.

"You're gonna be fine," he whispered to her, before fixing his haori around her and standing to his feet.

Kaede promised that she would make her better; she would fix the curse so that it couldn't harm her anymore.

Reaching the doorway, he paused. The storage room was safe, defensible with just the two of them. He mentally shook himself. This was ridiculous. None of the others would harm her. They wouldn't hurt her. He knew that, but something in him argued that he couldn't trust them, any of them. The only person who could ensure her care was him. He was the only one who could be trusted.

He took a breath, feeling his own body tremble for a moment before he can compose himself enough to step out into the main room.

Everything stopped when he emerged, and he growled at the sudden silence.

"Here, Inuyasha, take a seat," Kaede gestured to the cushion that was on the opposite side of the fire, alone and set apart from the others.

That was—tolerable, acceptable. Sitting down, he shifted her so that she would be more comfortable.

"I would like to see the burn on her chest," Kaede said, approaching him with a jar of something. His grip tightened for just a moment before he relinquished enough that Kaede could adjust Kagome's clothing to treat the reiki burn.

Her skin was bright red, almost blistered from the rush of Miroku's reiki. It really shouldn't have reacted like that, and the fact that it did made him uneasy.

Kaede opened up her jar, and she took a generous amount of salve on her finger and brushed it lightly across Kagome's skin. His nose crinkled at the acrid smell of the salve. Kaede pulled away, and he pulled the robe closed, and shifted his haori back over her.

"Her skin is chilled," she mentioned. "Keep her close to the fire."

He grunted an acknowledgment, and then shifted her weight again so that she was curled up against his chest.

Kagome didn't move at all, but she was breathing deep and slow.

But she was cold, and nothing he did seemed to help. She'd been cold all day, and he'd kept her close, but she'd never gained an ounce of warmth.

But she kept breathing, and he labored to find a way to let him feel her soft exhales against his skin. He shifted her so that her forehead rested against his neck. It would allow him to shift closer to the fire, allowing her to warm up from the chill that had settled into her body, despite his best attempts to warm her using his own.

Miroku cleared his throat after taking a sip of tea. Inuyasha cut his gaze over to the monk, who shared a glance between the others sitting beside him.

"Initially, we thought that Kagome should heal after the first attack before we attempted to counteract the curse." Miroku tapped his fingers against the stone cup in his hands. "But, after yesterday," he sighed, "I don't think that we can afford to wait for her to recover entirely."

"I am concerned," Kaede interrupted, "Kagome will not be able to survive another attack."

His chest tightened at her words. He knew that; she was so much worse than the one before it. She hadn't been this lifeless before. Right now, if it wasn't for the fact that she was breathing, every thing else would argue that she was in fact, dead.

The fact that she'd survived both attacks was, in itself, miraculous. She simply shouldn't be alive; Kaede and Miroku had said as much, repeatedly, despite his frequent comments for them to shut up and go away. Kagome would not—could not—die.

"Didn't you say that countering the curse would be difficult?" He said, shifting his grip on her, so that she was more curled up in his lap. Her feet felt freezing underneath the pads of his fingers. He should find those socks in her bag and put them on her feet later.

"Yes, it is not an ideal time for her to undergo such a," Kaede paused as she tried to think of a work, more than likely one that would not upset him, "process, but I believe it is the lesser risk."

"It would be better if she were awake, even more so if she had a few days to recover, but there's simply no more time."

"You're sure that you know how to break it?" Inuyasha asked, eyes moving from the fire to the monk.

"I have done as much research as humanly possible. Kaede has looked over my work and agrees with my findings." Miroku's hand clutched Sango's. "I do not take the responsibility lightly, and none of us would risk Kagome's life in any fashion. Believe me, this was not an easy decision for any of us."

He still doesn't like any of this. It still feels like they're playing fast and loose with her life, and she can't even advocate for herself, because she's unconscious.

There's a part of him, deep down, that wants to steal her away and hide until the worst has passed. She's weak and needs his protection now more than ever before.

He glanced at the storage room door, fighting the urge to squirrel her away.

His hand gripped hers, wincing at the coldness of her hands, but he held hers in his, offering her his own warmth.

He growled at the predicament.

"It will take at least a day before we can be ready to perform the ceremony. There are things to gather, and I will need to clear the isolation hut for this.

"You're not doing it here?" Sango asked.

"No, it's too close to the village. The," she glanced at Inuyasha for only a moment, "repercussions could be unpleasant if things do not go well."

"You mean, if you fuck this up," Inuyasha countered.

"What I mean is that there is no confirmation on whether this will go to plan or not. We will abide by all precautions and that means taking risks to the edge of the village instead of its center."

He snarled, baring his teeth at her, but Kaede merely ignored him.

Fuck her then.

"We will gather what we need. Sango and I can go to the market in the next town and pick up what we don't have here." Miroku covered a yawn with his hand, shaking his head as though it would ward off the exhaustion. He patted Sango's hand as she grabbed his.

"You should get some rest."

"It has been a rough few weeks. We should all get some sleep. I doubt the upcoming days will be much better."

Kaede rose to her feet, and Sango started rolling out the sleeping mats.

"Inuyasha?" She asked.

"I'll sit here for a while longer," he mumbled, intent on letting Kagome absorb as much heat from the fire as she can.

"Very well. Good night, Inuyasha," Kaede said with a casual wave of her hand before she went to her own room, disappearing behind the small curtain.

Miroku flopped down onto his own mat, drawing the blanket up to his shoulders, and passed right the fuck out; he didn't even fully situate himself onto the pillow before he was out. Sango fixed the blanket, letting out a small sigh.

"He's been working so hard," Sango said. She rested her hand on his head, fingers stroking her the short hairs in front of his face. "I feel bad that he's this exhausted."

"Miroku's tough," Inuyasha grumbled, shifting his gaze to look at Kagome.

"She is too," Sango said, settling beside him. She reached her hand out to touch her, and Inuyasha knocked her hand away with a sharp snap of the wrist and a short growl.

Sango glared at him.

"I can touch her if I want," she hissed.

"Like fuck you will," he hissed back. "She's mine."

"I just want to check for a fever. So don't give me your territorial bullshit."

Inuyasha pressed his cheek to her forehead, measuring the temperature against his own skin.

"She's fine. No fever."

Sango huffed, standing to her feet to loom over him. He cut his eyes towards her, shifting his head slightly to do so.

"What?"

Sango's hand rested in the spot on his head between his ears.

"She'll be okay," she whispered.

"Go to bed, Sango. I don't wanna hear complaining tomorrow about how tired you are."

"So rude," she commented, giving his head a little shove before walking over to her own mat.

She was out pretty quickly too, and he watched her hand sneak over to lightly touch the back of Miroku's robes.

What he would give—he shook his head.

It was not the time.

He had her and that was good enough for now.


He turned his head towards the sound of Sango's voice as she called for him through the trees.

It wasn't like he was hiding. He was sitting out in that stupid field that smelled like every flower in fucking existence, because that's what Kagome would like. That's where she would want to be.

And fuck anyone who wanted to comment on it.

"There you are," she said, sliding off Kirara, who sneezed at the onslaught of pollen and other smells. "I've been looking for you."

"Yeah, what for?" He glanced up at her before returning his gaze to the girl laying amongst the flowers. He laid her out so that she could absorb the heat of the sun and hopefully bring some color back into her skin. She was so pale and cool to the touch that it was becoming concerning.

She was breathing almost normally, but she hadn't stirred or showed any sign of waking or reacted to any form of touch.

Sango sat down beside him, staring at Kagome.

"I miss her," she sighed, stroking the fur at the top of Kirara's head as she curled into her lap. She stared at Kagome's face, her own face softening, but she made no motion to touch her. He'd come out here partially because he was tired of people trying to touch her, like she was a fucking good luck statue or some shit.

He cleared his throat, trying to urge her to finish the conversation and leave. He didn't need the company. He had everything he needed already.

But of course, Sango didn't take the hint.

A breeze blew across the clearing, ruffling all of their hair.

"What do you want, Sango?"

She huffed, shooting a quick glare at him.

"We managed to gather all the necessary items from the market. We just got back, actually. Kaede needs a day to prepare before—Miroku thinks that it'll be good to wait another day too. He said that it would give her some more time to regain her strength."

She was rambling. Her fingers swirled Kirara's fur around them, drawing it up into small tufts; the fire cat didn't seem to mind at all, kneading her claws into Sango's skirt. Sango was rarely nervous, or at least rarely let it physically manifest in her actions.

"What?" He barked out, letting his fingers comb through some of the fringe on her forehead that had shifted from the breeze.

Sango fingered the hem of Kagome's borrowed yukata, letting out a low sigh. He glanced at her in warning but allowed the almost touching.

"I'm scared," she whispered. "What if something goes wrong? What if it doesn't work? What if we make things worse?" She took a deep breath that caught at the end.

"I can't lose her too."

He flinched at the vocalization of all his worries the past two days; the things that had haunted him day and night, keeping him from sleep entirely.

He hadn't slept in well over three days, and he was exhausted. However, his drive to ensure her safety to be awake when she woke, greet her after her being gone for so long, was too strong. He couldn't sleep if he tried, even if he was so damn tired that his body began to ache from it.

He'd persevere.

Just like she did.

"We won't," he said simply, as if by stating the idea, it now became fact, evidence, a new law the world must abide by. She would live; she would be fine.


He was huddled up in the branches of the Goshinboku with Kagome resting in his lap. He'd stolen a blanket from the storage room, wrapping Kagome in it.

Thinking about it, he'd also stolen a pair of her socks and slid them over her feet to keep the non-existent chill out. But between the old woman and the kit, he was ready to run off and hide in a cave. Caves could be cozy. He'd lived in one for almost an entire half-century. It was nice. Comfortable. Right up until the lightning storm and resulting forest fire.

But before that nastiness, it was a good shelter. There was bound to be one around here. Couldn't be too hard to find one that he could make suitable.

And the best part? No one could find them.

It was an option.

He rubbed his cheek against the crown of her head, exhaling slowly.

It was so quiet.

He didn't like it.

Kagome always filled that quiet space with her yammering and talking, but the past month, or maybe even more, had been so quiet that it made his skin crawl.

He just wanted everything to be like it was. He wanted to travel with her, keep her safe. He wanted to talk and share things with her. She always got excited when he found silly little things.

He wanted everything to be normal again. He wanted Kagome to be Kagome, because it was the only way for him to be himself; it was the closest that he'd gotten to being happy. He couldn't handle it being taken away again. Kagome was all he had.

He turned his head so that he could see her face, letting the back of his fingers brush against her cheek for just a moment before he pulled her tight against him, relishing the feel of her.

Thunder rolled off in the distance.

"Inuyasha?" Miroku's voice cut through his pondering, and he leaned over the branch he was on to see the monk looking up, clearly searching out his form in the branches. It was dark enough that the shadows offered some protection from weak human eyes.

Inuyasha didn't respond, waiting for the monk to leave. He could afford to stay out a bit longer before it would grow too chilled for her to be outside, even with a blanket and his fire rat.

"I know that you're up there."

He didn't move, unwilling to give away his position just yet. The monk was just guessing. How often had he perched here while waiting for Kagome to return from her time?

"We need to talk," Miroku continued, "about tomorrow morning."

Damn.

Securing his hold on Kagome, he slid off his branch, landing right in front of the monk. Close enough that his clothes and hair rippled in the wind he made. Righting himself, he glared at Miroku, keeping Kagome close to him.

"What the fuck do you want?"

Miroku frowned as he stared at him.

"Why is your youki so agitated?" He finally asked.

"The fuck are you talking about?"

Inuyasha took a step back, away from the monk who studied him intently.

"Every one is the village is practically pissing themselves from it. Even Kirara and Shippo won't come out of the hut because of it."

"I've been in my tree all damn day," he growled.

"We're all aware of that." Miroku let out a small sigh. "Would you please come back to the hut so we can discuss—things?"

There was a part of him that thought, albeit briefly, that caves were not such a terrible idea at all. Caves sounded pretty good right now.

But Kagome needed this. She needed the curse to be broken.

He could suffer through it. For her and her alone, he'd suffer eternities over and over.

He'd be lonely the rest of his days if it meant she would be safe and whole again.

Pushing past the monk without a word, he walked towards the hut.

Miroku's footsteps followed him, but he made no move to speak, which was fine with Inuyasha. He had no desire to talk to anyone that wasn't currently wrapped in his fire rat.

Miroku held the flap open for him, and he cut him a look to show his thanks at the action.

"Welcome back, Inuyasha," Kaede greeted, raising an eyebrow at the borrowed blanket. He met her gaze, daring her to say one word about it.

He could leave.

There was a cave somewhere close, he was sure of it.

Thunder rolled again, closer, the smell of rain barely perceptible but there.

"Take a seat, Inuyasha. This may take a while." Kaede set tea out in front of all of them, pausing to take a sip of her own, as if collecting herself in the process.

He shifted Kagome so he could feed her water from the cup Sango set beside his knee. He fed her slowly, tipping the cup against her lips, letting the water trickle into her mouth slowly, waiting for her to swallow reflexively before dribbling in more.

"So, how bad is it going to get?" He asked, setting the cup down and wiping the corner of her mouth with the edge of his thumb. His eyes stared at Kaede, who set down her cup and began to speak words of warning that burned through his very soul.


A/N: Guys, they're having a fountain pen show in Dallas this weekend, and I'm going, and I'm so excited, and yes, I'm a weird little nerd, but whatever, you got this story out of my weird little nerd-dom, so there.

But now I have to go pack an overnight bag, so enjoy, toodles, tell me what you think!