Chapter 34
Luctor et emergo
"I struggle and emerge"


"There is no happiness like that
of being loved by your fellow-creatures,
and feeling that your presence
is an addition to their comfort."
Jane Eyre


The world itself felt different.

That's what stood out to her. It felt different.

Fuller, colorful.

It felt whole.

And the first thing she felt was him. The room was lightening, the sun just starting to peek over the horizon. But she could feel his youki returning to him. She blinked her eyes, shifting under her blanket as the world came into focus.

He was curled up on his side, arm pillowing his head as he slept before her, face completely slack from sleep. She'd rarely ever seen him so relaxed on this side of the well. His youki pulsed, returning his hair to its normal silver color, and his ears slid to their proper position at the top of his head, twitching.

Her eyes went back to his face, waiting for him to wake, and waiting, and waiting, but he didn't. He slept right through the transformation, which was unusual. Speaking of transformations, he never slept on the night of the new moon; he was always awake.

So why now?

Staring closer at his face, she made out the drawn features, the dark circles under his eyes, the way his entire body had sunk against the floor as if he'd passed out and never come to. He never slept on his side here. She'd only seen him do that on her bed.

He must be so tired.

Her hand reached out towards him, but she hesitated, afraid that she'd wake him, when he clearly desperately needed the rest. Drawing her hand back to her chest, she watched him sleep for just a moment.

But she did have to pee. Fiercely.

Of course her bladder would ruin her moment.

Carefully pushing the blankets off, she rose to her feet feeling more like a newborn fawn than a human being that had been walking upright for the past few years. But she didn't want to wake him, not yet. Her first step was, well, wobbly was probably the best word for it. Grabbing on to the doorway, she clutched onto the wood, seeing Miroku and Sango asleep on the floor. Shippo and Kirara were wrapped around each other. The jewel shards rested in her backpack near the doorway. They tickled at her brain like they always did. A familiar and missed feeling.

She really needed to pee, and there was no reason to wake any of them. Miroku had looked so worn out, and she was sure that Sango was in the same boat. It couldn't have been easy taking care of her these past few—however many days its been.

They deserved to sleep.

And she had to pee. Kagome gently crept through Kaede's hut, pushing the mat aside and letting herself out.

The sun was just starting to rise, and the sky was just starting to lighten, and she stared at it for a moment.

She reached out, feeling for his youki, and it wrapped around her slowly, welcoming, greeting her. It was like a hugging an old friend that she hadn't seen in a very long time. She wiped her eyes, smiling at the feeling. She could feel Shippo and Kirara too. She could feel everything, and that in itself made her feel complete.

Her reiki was hers again.

Hers and hers alone.

Right. She needed to pee.

As she headed back towards the hut, she paused, turning her head towards the Goshinboku.

It was early enough that no one should be awake for a while.

She looked over her shoulder at Kaede's hut, filled with her friends, who deserved their rest. They'd worked so hard, and she didn't want to disturb any of them.

Her reiki felt like an overeager rabbit, practically leaping at the chance to play, and she knew that if she was too close, it would draw the attention of Miroku and Inuyasha.

And she'd be back long before anyone actually noticed that she was gone anyway.

She trucked off towards the familiar tree, her legs feeling stronger with each step that she took.

She'd felt so weak for so long, that this, walking, hiking on her own, even if it wasn't that far away, made her feel slightly more like herself. She hadn't felt like Kagome in so long, and she just wanted to be Kagome again.

They would understand, right?

The tree came into view, and she crossed the small clearing, running her hand over the familiar bark, and settling back against its trunk.

"I missed you too," she whispered, leaning back slightly to look up at the towering tree and its branches overhead.

Her reiki felt different, stronger, easier to call and manipulate. But it didn't feel the same as before. There wasn't anything wrong; it still felt like reiki, but there was something underlying, like it had gotten mixed in with something else. Nothing evil, but definitely not the same reiki she'd had before.

The birds sang overhead, and she grinned at herself as she felt her power swell inside, coming to her beck and call so much easier than before.

It felt like a key had been turned and a door opened, and it no longer felt like she was floundering to call it forth, tugging on a power that didn't want to obey.

Was this a side effect of the curse?

Did Kikyo know that it would happen like this? That breaking it would make her stronger instead of weaker?

Probably not, and she grimaced at the thought that at some point they would have to come face to face again.

But maybe not for a while? Maybe it could be quiet for a few days? Or a month? A month would be good.

But that was a problem for future Kagome, present Kagome just needed to revel in the moment. A body full of reiki that wanted to listen and a quiet morning to explore.

Centering herself, she tried to dig deeper to figure out what had changed and what was so different. It had been so hard when Miroku tried showing her before, because her reiki was elusive and hidden, even though they kept saying that she was powerful, it was hard to believe them when her body refused to obey.

Reiki was something that should have felt somewhat normal to control and call forth, he'd explained. But she'd managed to fail spectacularly at every single one of his tasks.

Not that Inuyasha had really provided much encouragement either, because inevitably it always came down to Kikyo.

Kaede, even though she meant well, was usually also reminded of a story when Kikyo first started and how she struggled as a child, and then Kagome struggled and never got any better or showed any real improvement other than she improved at aiming and hitting her target.

She could hit things now with pretty decent accuracy, but there was never really any difference in how she manipulated her reiki at all. Just all or nothing in her arrows when she fired. She could purify things, but it was never controlled, and she often wore herself out because it was such a fight to get it free that it just exploded out of her.

But now, now was different.

She concentrated on her fingers, and they began to lightly glow with reiki. Just the tips of her fingers and just a little reiki.

Now was really different.

She engulfed her entire hand, letting her powers flow in and out. They turned on and off at her whim, and it required little to no effort on her part.

It had always been so hard, and she'd always tried but just assumed that she was a terrible student. But the curse breaking seemed to have done something to regulate her powers. Or maybe free them entirely.

Though she wondered if she was as strong as she'd been before, but that would require firing an arrow, and she didn't know if she'd be up for that in the next few weeks.

A giggle escaped her as she watched her reiki swirl around in the air above her hands.

She felt whole again, complete.

It was like she had worth again. They wouldn't think of sending her home now. She had her reiki back. She could sense the jewel shards, which were still in Kaede's hut. Her powers stretched that far at least.

Her life mattered again.

She mattered again.

A few birds swooped into the small clearing, far enough away to stay out of her reach, but obviously foraging in the stillness of the morning.

A loud rustle sounded to her right, and there was only time for her to look up as a red blur, barreled into the clearing, scattering birds and a rabbit that had come to feed.

His head whipped around, eyes widening as he spotted her, before darting in front of her.

"Kagome!" He knelt in front of her, nearly sliding into place on the grass, hands grabbing her arms.

"In—"

"Are you okay?" His hands slid up to her shoulders, fingers drifting over her collarbone and neck. "Are you hurt?" His fingers grazed along her arms, moving to her ribs. "Did someone try to take you?" His hands are all over, testing places as if seeing if she'd been injured, firmly patting her down. "You're okay?"

"Inuyasha, I'm fine. I'm not hurt."

"Then why did you leave?" He snapped, hands now gripping her firmly, giving her a little, very little, shake to emphasize his point. "You can just fucking leave like that! You can't disappear and not say a fucking word to anyone!"

Oh.

She hadn't thought about that.

She had gone missing quite a bit lately.

"You were asleep—"

"I don't care if I'm fucking dead! You wake me up for this shit!"

"I—I'm sorry," she said softly, not meeting his eyes, and he sighed heavily before wrapping her up in a hug.

"Just don't do it again," he mumbled into her hair, holding her tightly against himself.

"I won't. I promise." She lightly patted his back, as he obviously took some comfort from hugging her for a few moments longer than he normally did and more than was really necessary.

She must've really worried him.

And now she felt bad.

He'd been so stressed lately, and this was exactly what she was trying to avoid.

Pulling away, he held her at arm's length for a moment before his ear twitched and he looked up at the sky with a scowl on his face.

"Come on, we need to call off the search party," he grumbled. "I'll take you back to Kaede's." Reaching his arms out, he scooped her up against his chest, which she hadn't been expecting. Normally, he carried her on his back, but this was an instantaneous response from him. He didn't ask; he just scooped her up and stood with complete and utter ease. He shifted his grip a little and leapt off towards the hut.

When they reached the hut, he stepped inside and she realized that it was, in fact, completely empty. Bedding was thrown across the hut haphazardly, meaning that everyone had gotten up in a hurry.

Wow, she didn't think she could feel worse, but she was obviously wrong.

She muffled as much of a groan as she could.

"What?" He asked, steadying her as he set her feet down. "What is it? You said you weren't hurt! Are you—"

"No! No, I'm fine. I really am. I just—I didn't want you to worry, but I still managed to screw that up, and now everyone's probably freaking out because I was stupid."

Her hands fisted in the sides of his haori to ground herself. She was so stupid to just wander off.

"Just stay here for a moment. They're not too far off. I'll be right back, okay?" He asked, and she gave him a small nod. He pushed her down onto a cushion before heading to the door. "Sit and stay there until I get back."

And with that, he was gone.

She was half-offended that he'd used those particular words towards her, but it wasn't like she didn't deserve to be told what to do.

She was an idiot. Why didn't she think that they would freak out if they woke up and she was just gone?

"Idiot," she muttered to herself.

She'd thought that she'd be back in time, but obviously, she'd failed on all fronts.

A roar landed outside the hut, and the mat was thrown to the side as Sango barreled through and nearly tackled her to the ground in a hug.

"Kagome!" She shouted, as Kagome barely stopped herself from falling backwards from Sango's inertia. "We were so worried! Inuyasha said you were fine. You're not hurt, are you?"

"I'm really okay, Sango," she said, patting her friend on the shoulder as she leaned back. "I just got distracted when I went out earlier."

Sango engulfed her in another hug as Kagome looked up to see Miroku standing just a few feet behind her.

"Don't do that! You can't scare us like that!"

"I know! I wasn't thinking, and I'm so sorry."

"Think no more on it, Kagome," Miroku said, kneeling down beside her and resting his hand on her shoulder. "You are entirely forgiven."

Kagome felt a smile spread across her face as Miroku gave her a one-armed hug that she eagerly leaned into.

"But we do ask that you refrain from going off on your own for the time being."

"I will," she said, letting out a wet laugh. "I promise."

Miroku claimed the seat next to Sango

"Why didn't you say anything?" Sango asked.

"Because she's an idiot," Inuyasha remarked, and Sango shot him a glare.

"It wasn't very smart," Kagome agreed. "You were all asleep. And I know that these past few weeks have been really hard on you all, and I didn't want to disturb you when you were all sleeping so soundly."

"Well, next time, ye should tell someone," Kaede said, walking into the hut. "And save old women and their old hearts from the strain."

"She said she was sorry, hag!" Inuyasha snapped, sitting down beside her, close enough that his knee touched hers. "Let it go."

Kaede gave him a look, eyes glancing down and raising her brow. Inuyasha snapped out a glower back at her, a low growl rumbling out of him. She patted his knee, momentarily relishing the feel of the fire rat under her fingertips.

"It's okay. They have every right to be upset with me."

Inuyasha huffed, turning away from her before slumping over and resting his elbow on his knee, chin on his palm. Standard Inuyasha pouting stance.

"We're not upset with you," Sango corrected.

"Aye, we are glad that ye are in good health," Kaede said, handing her a cup of tea, which she took eagerly. "But ye must understand why we would worry so."

Kagome nodded.

"So what were you doing out at the Goshinboku so early? And without a certain guardian watching you?" Miroku asked, taking a sip from his own tea cup.

"How is that you can make that sound lecherous?" Inuyasha asked.

Miroku shrugged with a grin, and Inuyasha growled beside her. Kagome patted his knee again, and he exhaled loudly through his nose but stopped growling.

"Ah, well," she stumbled through her words a moment, trying to figure out if she wanted to risk jinxing herself if it didn't work. "You see," she tapped a nail against her cup. "I could feel things again."

"Your reiki, you mean," Sango clarified.

"Yeah, and I thought I'd see how much came back." She looked at the floor; it sounded so stupid now. She really should've just waited until someone woke up.

"And?" Miroku asked.

"Well, it's weird," she said, and that seemed to be the wrong thing to stay because all heads immediately snapped her direction. "Not in a bad way!" She added quickly. "It's just that it's—different from before."

"What do you mean by 'different'?" Sango asked.

"It's—well—kind of easier?" She shrugged the latter part of her answer without making eye contact with anyone.

"What do ye mean by that?"

"Well," this time she huffed in frustration. "Here, I'll show you."

The silence in the hut felt stifling.

"Just don't freak out, okay?" She mumbled, glancing up at Inuyasha, who watched her carefully. She held out her hand, fingers trembling, and she willed her reiki to flow to her hands. It vibrated alongside her nerves and fingers, but it shone bright and vibrant in the hut, even in the light of the fire.

"Kagome, ye have never been able to do this before," Kaede said, in awe as her reiki steadied even as she flexed her fingers, twisting her hand around. "This started when exactly?"

"Uh, this morning?"

Inuyasha sat up straighter, staring at her, and she turned her gaze to the floor in embarrassment. Her reiki disappeared, as she closed her fist, pulling her hand into her lap.

"Kagome?" Kaede asked, and suddenly the room felt much smaller than before.

"It's fine," she answered, grimacing internally at how quickly she answered and how suspicious that probably looked. "Really, it's fine."

Because she couldn't shut her mouth for more than two minutes.

"Can you do it again?" Sango asked, and Kagome looked up at her, seeing an ear-splitting grin on her face.

Kagome held her hand out again, covering it in her reiki. Sango's grin grew even wider, and she reached her hand out to touch her palm.

"It tickles." Sango giggled, retracting her finger from her palm, still grinning madly.

"Did Inuyasha tell you about everything that happened?"

"And when would I have had fucking time to do that?" Inuyasha snapped, ears lowering.

"Ah, so let us fill you in," Miroku started, drawing her attention away from Inuyasha's face. "We broke the curse."

"No shit," Inuyasha muttered.

"When your reiki returned, Inuyasha was not purified," Kaede added.

"Aw, I wanted to say it," Miroku pouted.

"You weren't purified?" Kagome asked, turning to Inuyasha before flipping back to Miroku. "Why would I have purified him?"

"Your reiki returned in an explosion. We anticipated this, but Inuyasha refused to leave."

"But you weren't purified?" She asked him, watching his ears go back to his skull.

"Try not to act so disappointed," he grumbled.

"No!" She countered. "No! That's not it at all!" She was already rising to her knees to prevent him from leaving. She couldn't lose him to something like this. She didn't think she could manage existing without him by her side. "I'm just worried! What if something's wrong?" She grabbed his arm, fingers bunching up his sleeve. "What if there's something wrong with me? With my reiki? What if there's something wrong with you?"

"Kagome, calm down," he said, eyes watching her intently, almost worried. The air was thinning, and his hands grabbed her arms, breaking her grip on his sleeve. "Take a breath before you pass out, woman."

Her breath trembled as she inhaled. Her head felt light, and she kinda slumped back down on her cushion. He gripped her arms, holding her steady, as if she was going to keel over at any moment.

"I wouldn't—" Her statement is interrupted by her ragged breathing. "I would never purify you."

"I know, just breathe, Kagome."

"I did not think it would upset ye so," Kaede said.

"I wonder if it's just Kagome's reiki or if it's all reiki," Miroku mused.

"Shut it, monk," Inuyasha snapped. "We can worry about this bullshit later. She needs to eat."

"I'm fi—" She started, but Inuyasha's glare cut her off.

"I'll go hunting," he said, standing. "You," he pointed a clawed finger at Sango, "make sure she stays here."

"Hey, don't talk about me like I'm not here!"

"She stays in this hut until I get back," he said, leaving through the door mat.

"Hey!" She stood on slightly unsteady legs, prepared to follow him out the door and wherever he thought he was going, but Miroku rose slightly to catch her hand, tugging her back down onto her cushion.

"Ah, Kagome, you've missed a lot these past few days. It would be best if we did as Inuyasha asked."

"But—!"

"Aye, Kagome, listen to the lord monk this time. It has been quite a rough time for our hanyou friend these past few weeks. It will cause ye no harm to do as he asks this once," Kaede said as she began cutting into a carrot. "Ah, he sharpened my knives, I see."

"What happened?" Kagome asked.

The three of them exchanged a look before Sango called for Shippo, who darted into the hut, skidding to a stop in front of Kagome.

"You're awake-awake!" He shouted, scrambling into her lap.

"Uh, yeah, I guess."

"Does this mean that I get to sleep with you again?" Shippo asked, and Kagome tilted her head slightly in confusion.

"Why would you ask that?"

"Because Inuyasha hasn't let me sleep with you for a while! He always kicks me out and makes me sleep with them!" He pointed a finger at Sango and Miroku. "But I usually sleep with Kirara. But if you told Inuyasha that I could sleep with you, then he couldn't say anything!" His tail flicked behind his back, and his bright eyes stared at her intently. Why would Inuyasha—How long had this—"Kagome?" Shippo's voice broke her reverie, and she refocused her attention on him.

"Sorry, Shippo," she said with a slight shake of her head. "I got distracted. What were you saying?"

Shippo's head turned slightly towards the door, and he leapt off her lap and darted to Sango's.

"Shippo!" Kagome was surprised at his actions. Normally, the little kitsune would practically hoard her lap like it was some treasured gift, but just now, he acted like it was made of lava.

"You know he's going to smell you," Sango chided.

"What're you talking about?" Kagome asked.

"You'll save me, right?" Shippo asked, lowering his voice to barely above a whisper.

"And why would Sango need to save you?" Inuyasha asked, dumping a short string of fish on the ground beside Kaede, already cleaned and scaled.

"Because nothing!" Shippo retorted.

Inuyasha resumed his seat beside her, and he sniffed once before cutting a glare over at Shippo, who pressed himself against Sango.

"What? What did I miss?"

"Nothing," Inuyasha answered. "Runt's just being a little shit like always."

Shippo stuck out his tongue, but quickly dove into Miroku's lap.

"Put up a barrier!" He shouted as Inuyasha cracked his knuckles.

"Somehow, I doubt that would be enough to save you in the end, Shippo." Miroku lightly patted his head, and Shippo just held onto his robes.

"What's happening?"

"Told you, Shippo's being a shit," Inuyasha answered.

"Shippo's been annoying Inuyasha on purpose to get a rise out of him for a while," Sango explained as Kirara watched the fish roasting over the fire with an excited gleam in her eye, mewing ever so slightly as the skin crackled and blackened slightly as it cooked.

"And Inuyasha took it about as well as ye can imagine," Kaede added. Miroku patted Shippo's head again in reassurance.

"It's been an interesting time," Miroku finished.

As they ate breakfast, she noticed Inuyasha watching her. His eyes were constantly on her as Shippo explained what he'd been doing while she was in and out of consciousness. But his gaze wasn't always on her. Sometimes it was on her food. She offered him another piece of fish, but he refused, pushing her hand back towards her tray.

"You eat it."

She pressed a hand to his forehead.

"Are you okay?" She asked as he jerked away from her touch, cheeks starting to tinge pink.

"Of course! Why wouldn't I be?"

"You didn't take my food. You always take my food when I offer it."

"So? You need to eat!" He shouted back at her. "I ain't takin' your food! Now, fucking eat before it gets cold!"

So defensive, she mused as she took another small bite, catching his glance at her. His cheeks flushed, and he flicked his gaze back towards the fire. But it wasn't long before it drifted back to her as she took another bite.

Weird.

What do you think would happen if I called for him now?

She shook her head.

No, it didn't matter.

He was here. He was with her. Right now. And that was all that mattered. She didn't want to ruin the moment; she didn't want her to ruin the moment.

He raised an eyebrow at her, eyes scanning over her quickly, but she just smiled at him and took another bite of food. He watched her for a moment longer, and then looked away.


A/N: So I hope that you guys enjoyed the chapter, and some not angst for once. Will it last forever? Lol, no. As I told my students this week, "I enjoy ruining the happiness of others."

So if you're also reading my other story "The Ghost of Higurashi Shrine" there's an update coming this weekend (Friday or Saturday). It's a longer chapter, clocking in at almost 11K words. So I hope that it cuts the mustard.