Chapter 36
Optimum est pati quod emendare non possis
"It is best to endure what you cannot change."
"The question is not how to get cured,
but how to live."
—Lord Jim
One thing that was a small comfort was that Inuyasha was always present. He was never not there.
And that was the one thing that kept her sane.
Because she'd agreed to go home. She'd told him that she would be okay, but the real truth was that she was terrified to go home and face her mother. Every mark on her skin, no matter how healed it was seemed like a glaring red mark, like a beacon that screamed 'look at me' and she had no clothes that would hide the damage they'd wrought.
She just had to psych herself up for this a little. Spend a little time with her family and then maybe stop by the school to get herself all the missing work, and she could always do some homework at home too. That might be relaxing. Yeah, that sounded kinda nice actually.
Especially if Inuyasha was going to stay with her. He'd said that he'd stay the whole time, but she knew that he did tend to get bored and disappear for periods. Or return back here.
And the idea of being there, in her time, alone, made her skin crawl and her heart palpitate. The idea of being anywhere alone, actually—
"Kagome?" Sango asked with a hand on her shoulder. Kagome jumped a little, but then moved to the side slightly to look at her. "You okay?" She asked.
"Yeah," she said as she looked up from her biology textbook. She figured if she was going to go home, she should at least have something to turn in before asking for more work. But the reading was difficult—it felt more difficult that it should have. It was like her brain didn't want to work properly or at the same speed.
"Decide to work on your school for little bit?" She asked, and Kagome nodded, setting the book aside.
"It's not going well though."
"Why not?"
"Don't know. Feels like my brain is off."
"Well, you did take a really hard hit to the head not too long ago. I know that there were a couple people in my village who took a while to recover from it."
"I know that concussions can take a while to heal from, but this just feels like I'm trying to walk through mud."
"Don't worry too much, Kagome. You're still healing; it'll get better. It's only been, what? A couple days?" She nudged Kagome's shoulder with her own. "You're already doing so much better."
"It just doesn't feel like enough, you know," Kagome said, setting the book aside and picking up another workbook.
"Do you remember what you told me while I was healing at my village?"
Kagome tilted her head at the girl, who stared off at the tree line.
"Uh, not really?"
"You told me that I needed to take it one day at a time." Sango turned to face her. "So as a very wise person told me once," she let the statement drift off.
"Okay, I get it, Sango. I'll be more patient with myself."
"Also, don't be gone long," Sango said with a nudge of her shoulder. "We miss you here too."
Kagome nodded, nudging Sango with her shoulder. She took a breath and then picked up her English notebook and opened it to the next page.
"You ready to go?" Inuyasha asked as he stepped into what had become Kagome's room in Kaede's hut.
"Yeah, I just need to finish putting all this back in my bag." She stuffed her notebooks back on top of her very empty bag. They'd gone through her clothes and tried to determine what was salvageable and what wasn't. She didn't want to show up at home with a bag full of bloody rags for clothes.
It surprisingly wasn't as bad as she thought, though there were several things that Sango had claimed they'd destroyed already.
Inuyasha knelt down beside her, handing her books to help.
"You're sure you're okay going back?" He asked her, not for the first time that day.
"I think so. If it gets to be too much, then we can always come back here, right?"
He watched her for a moment, his gaze surveying her face for an instant longer than normal, before nodding.
"Besides, it's just home, right? Mama will probably be glad to see me. It's been—" she swallowed, "it's been a while, hasn't it?"
"Kagome," he started, a clawed hand resting on her shoulder.
"No, it's okay, really. I'm fine. I need to go back. Just stay with me, okay?" She latched the top of her bag and before she could even reach for the straps, he snatched it up, throwing it over his shoulder before grabbing her arms and hauling her up to her feet.
Kagome grinned as a faint blush crossed his cheeks.
"Go on, would ya?" He said, and Kagome followed him out of the room.
"I'll wash the yukata and bring it back with me. Is that okay?" She asked as Kaede worked beside the pot making a salve of some sort.
"Aye, it's fine, child. Take as much time as ye need. We will all be here when ye return."
"She's right," Miroku chipped in as he rose to his feet, pulling Sango up as well. "We'll all be here. The time off has been good for us, so don't feel rushed."
"And we've been talking about going back to my village anyway, so please don't feel the need to hurry at all." She slipped her arm around Kagome's, as they started the trek to the well. Shippo tugged on the end of her yukata, and she leaned down to pick him up, hearing a small noise of protest from the hanyou beside her.
"You guys don't have to walk with us," she said, and Sango waved her hand at the notion.
"Nonsense, Miroku needs the exercise," she said and Miroku scoffed.
"You're—" He started, and then quickly clamped his mouth shut as a look of panic flitted across his face for just an instant.
"I'm what, monk?" Sango asked, turning to look at him over her shoulder.
"Absolutely beautiful this morning. Have I told you that?" He grinned, sliding a hand around her waist.
"Nice save, monk," Inuyasha mumbled beside her. Sango hadn't relented her narrowed eye glare at him.
"Surely, the lovely Kagome doesn't think that I would say anything otherwise," Miroku said, leaning back slightly to look at Kagome.
"Kagome's not going to get involved in your fuck ups, monk."
"Answering for her now, I see. So tell me, how—oof!" He winced as he rubbed his side from where Sango had ruthlessly elbowed him. "Honestly, I wasn't going to say anything bad. Such harsh treatment, my love."
"But you were going to say something obnoxious, I'm sure," Sango said, turning towards him. Inuyasha made a noise next to her, and she tried to stifle her laughter.
It really did feel like things were slowly slipping back into normalcy.
And this time, when they reached the well, she didn't feel the same level of abandonment that she'd felt before. It was more anxiousness than anything. Shippo pressed his face into her chest, hugging her tightly.
"Alright, well, I guess I'll see you guys sometime soon. I promise to bring some presents for you all." She pressed a kiss into Shippo's hair.
"You'll bring some Pocky?" He asked, tail wagging, and she smiled.
"Of course, I said everyone didn't I?" He grinned and leapt out of her arms and onto Miroku's shoulder.
"We'll see you soon, Kagome!"
Inuyasha moved in beside her, and she looked over her shoulder at him.
"Ready?" He asked, and she nodded turning towards the well, but Inuyasha had other plans as he quickly swept her legs out from under her. She clutched his haori, and he leapt up to the edge of the well. "See ya!" He shouted over his shoulder before leaping down into the well and into the time slip.
He leapt out as quickly and effortlessly as he'd gone in, setting Kagome down beside the stairs. Kagome grabbed his sleeve, halting him from opening the well house doors.
"Wait, just a second, okay?" She asked.
If he noticed her hands trembling, he didn't comment on it.
"Yeah?" He asked, and Kagome took a breath to calm her heart, which already pounded just beneath the surface of her skin.
"Can we—I mean—I don't want to tell Mama what happened. I don't want them to know that I was—" She grimaced. "About when I went away for a while."
He shifted to face her completely.
"You don't want to tell them?" He tilted his head slightly to the side, and he stared her down for a moment.
"No, I don't."
"Why not?" He scowled, left ear flickering at something. "Isn't this something that you should tell them?"
"I mean, it is, but I don't want them to worry. It's over and everything, and there's no need to tell them now, right?"
"Kagome," he said, staring her down. "What aren't you telling me?"
How long had he been able to read her so well?
She took a deep breath, hand still fisted in his haori sleeves.
"I—" Her thought died in her mouth, and she stared at the ground instead. "What if—They could disown me." Her voice grew quieter and quieter until the question was barely a whisper. But she knew that he heard her.
He didn't answer her immediately though, and that seemed to confirm her fears.
It was a possibility. She didn't think that they would, deep down she knew that her mother wouldn't disown her, but there was the possibility of it, and that was what made it terrifying.
"I don't think that your family would do that. They accepted me, didn't they?" He said, and she looked up at him.
"I can't—I can't look my grandfather in the face and tell him—" She shook her head at the thought. "It has to stay a secret, just between us."
"I don't like this, Kagome."
"It'll be better like this. I promise."
He sighed, staring at her for a moment before glancing at the door.
"Fine," he said, and she let her hands fall away from his sleeves. "You're okay to walk?"
"You promise? You won't tell anyone."
He looked opposed to the idea, running a hand over his face as he let a look of resignation pass over his features.
"Promise."
She nodded, and he opened the door, but she hesitated. What if someone was out there on the grounds? Like her grandfather? Patrons to the shrine?
"No one's out there," he said, and she only glanced at him before clearing the steps in a couple quick steps, but then paused at the doorway. Home was just beyond those doors, and yet it felt a lifetime away. The distance seemed like it would be insurmountable, but a clawed hand on her shoulder gave her the resolve to take the first step forward.
Her foot hit stone, and it really wasn't so bad. She looked over her shoulder at the him, just to make sure that he was behind her. He'd promised that he would stay with her the entire time, and she didn't doubt his promise, but that didn't mean that the well couldn't take him away or something could happen and she'd be alone again.
Sometimes she woke up wondering if she were all alone again, if being found was going to be dream and the cold reality was that she was still trapped in the back of the cart.
"You okay?" He asked, coming up beside her.
"No," she whispered, turning her head to look at him, offering a weak smile as consolation. "It's just Mama, right?"
He gave her a nod, as his ears flicked towards the sound of the house. Kagome turned to face the door of her childhood home.
Why did it feel like she'd been gone for years?
Her hand lingered on the knob, and she was only briefly aware that she'd crossed the shrine grounds without much thought at all. Maybe that was the key, just slip away and then everything would be so much easier.
Her fingers trembled on the knob, but she twisted it anyway, pushing it open and stepping inside. Conversation stopped as she wiped her feet on the mat.
"Kagome?" Her mother asked as Kagome stepped inside with Inuyasha at her back. She looked up just as her mother walked out from the kitchen.
Staring at her mother, the desperation Kagome had felt to see her again rushed to the surface, and she threw herself at her, holding her tightly, burying her face into her mother's shirt.
"Is that Kagome?" Her grandfather asked, holding onto a mug as he shuffled into the entry. "Oh good, you've finally come home." Kagome turned to look at him. "It's good to see you alive and well." He patted her shoulder as he shuffled into the living room.
He didn't even know the half of it, because only one of those words applied at the moment, and it was only by a very fortunate circumstance that she was allowed even that.
"Are you okay?" Her mother asked, smoothing her hair, and Kagome could barely manage a nod. "You're sure?"
"Yeah," she mumbled.
"Alright then. Why don't you go run a hot bath? I'll make a snack while you're up there, and we'll get some food in you."
Kagome nodded, releasing her mother and taking a tentative step back, only glancing briefly over her shoulder to make sure that he was following too.
Letting out a small sigh of relief, she saw him following her, still holding onto her backpack as they reached the stairs and began the slow ascent to her room. She waited until he was inside before closing the door and pulling her dresser drawer open to dig out a comfy pair of clothes that would hide all the new marks on her skin.
She just wasn't quite ready to have that conversation or think up lies for them just yet.
Inuyasha's hand wrapped around her wrist, halting her frantic digging, and her trembling hands became noticeable.
He sighed, and she looked up at his face, the knitted brows and scowl on his face as his eyes flitted to her. He was disappointed, wasn't he? Disappointed that she couldn't keep it all together like she said she would. She'd promised that she'd be fine, and she very much wasn't.
"We don't have to stay," he spoke quietly, ears focused on the door. He pulled her hands away from the clothes in her drawer.
"But—"
"We don't have to stay if you don't want to." He glanced at the door. "We can leave."
"I used up all the bandages and medicine and what about ramen and I promised—"
"We can get by without it." His thumbs drifted over the backs of her hands. "Besides, the runt could stand to lose some weight. He's getting fat."
Kagome giggled, and he seemed to relax a bit.
"I should stay though. I haven't been here in a while, and I'm sure that Mama's been worried." He released her wrist, but she returned the hold, feeling him grip her fingers gently. "I shouldn't be afraid of being home, though. I should be able to do this. I should. It's—" She looked up from his hands and into his face. "It's important that I do this. I need to prove it to myself."
"Kagome, you don't have to prove—"
"No, I'm going to do this. I need to do this. Does that make sense?"
He let out another sigh, watching her carefully for any signs of something, and then nodded once more before setting her backpack down against her desk.
"What do you want me to do?" He asked, turning around to lean back against it.
"What do you mean?"
He shrugged his shoulders, gesturing vaguely to her room.
"Whatever," he started, and then stopped, scowling as he thought about what he wanted to say before saying it.
And then Kagome understood what he was trying to say without saying. He was at a loss of what to do to help. He didn't know what to do, period. Inuyasha needed movement and action and a physical way to solve a problem; he always had. But this—everything she was dealing with—was not something with a physical solution. She had to figure this out—how to cope with the events of her life thus far—on her own; she was the only one who could solve this problem.
"I think that you should—"
"I'm staying," she answered as firmly as she could manage. "I'm not going to run away."
"It's not running away, Kagome."
"It feels like it to me," she whispered, before grabbing the first set of clothes out of the drawer and opening the door. "I'll be out in a bit."
Closing the bathroom door after her, she leaned her back, trying to calm her racing heart and impending panic attack. She could do this. She could do this on her own.
It was just a bath.
Kagome turned on the taps, setting the water temperature just the way she liked it. That hadn't changed. That was still the same.
Not everything changed. There were some things that were constant; things that she could rely on. Her favorite temperature in bath water was one of them.
Right.
Bath.
She stripped, avoiding looking at her own reflection, before stepping into the water. Her reflection became a rippling shadow as she sank down as the hot water stung at her still healing wounds and fresh scars.
Sitting in the water, she tried to avoid looking at her body as she washed, dipping her head under the water, to wet her hair and attempt to shampoo it.
The moment the water eclipsed her face though, panic set in, making her thrash to break free, and she took a shuddering breath the moment her face cleared the surface.
Why couldn't she do this?
Why couldn't she just take a bath alone? Bath time was her favorite way to relax, and she couldn't do that?
Maybe Inuyasha was right. Maybe they should go back until she was better. Maybe they should just try again later. She scrubbed her hands against her face, groaning. She didn't want to go back. She wanted to just be Kagome again; it shouldn't be that hard, right?
Sighing, she took a deep breath, and decided that she would just use the wand to wash her hair.
The only problem she encountered there was the fact that her injured shoulder didn't really allow her to move her arm high enough to really scrub at her scalp. But the wand at least made her able to rinse it.
She climbed out, toweling herself off and dressing in her quickly chosen pajamas, which were long pants and a long sleeved shirt before walking back into her bedroom toweling her hair dry or at least less damp. She sat down at her vanity, grabbing her hair brush before looking up at herself in the mirror. She twisted in her seat so that she was facing away from the mirror and apparently, facing Inuyasha, who was sitting on her bed.
"You okay?" He asked, standing and moving next to her.
"Yeah! Fine!" She chirped as she began brushing out the ends of her hair, working upwards, right to the point where her other hand wouldn't reach.
"Give it here," Inuyasha said, holding his hand out.
"I can do it!" She said, drawing her brush back against herself.
"Not with that shoulder, you can't." He wiggled his fingers, waiting for her to give the brush over, but she only tugged it further away from him. "Don't be stubborn, Kagome."
He reached over and tugged the brush free before stepping behind her. She braced herself for him to tug through the knots and tangles, and to be halfway bald by the time he was done.
The brush slid through her hair, and when it first hit a snag, she braced, scrunching up her nose. But he didn't pull and jerk the brush free. Instead, he pulled the brush away, and ran his claws through her hair, before running the brush through it again. It was gentler than she expected, and he was careful each time he hit a tangle or a snag in her hair.
"Thanks Inuyasha." Glancing over her shoulder at him, she smiled, and he handed her the brush.
"Ready to go downstairs?"
Staring at the door, she took another deep breath, letting it out in a slow exhale before nodding once. Inuyasha knelt down in front of her, forcing her to meet his eyes.
"We don't have to do this," he reminded her.
"We don't," she agreed, giving him a weak smile. "But we should do it." Standing, she held her hand out to him. "Mama's waiting on us."
Inuyasha stood gracefully and easily, and Kagome still felt like the world she knew revolved around him. He was her axis, her orbit, her gravity; he was the thing that kept her in place when it felt like everything would float away. When he didn't take her hand immediately, she started to withdraw, but he grabbed it, wrapping his fingers around hers and tugging her gently towards the door.
His touch calmed her, settled her worries deep down into a place where she didn't marvel over them. Leading her down the stairs, she walked into the kitchen where her mother set mugs of tea out for them and a plate of cookies.
She was home.
That was a fact.
Inuyasha was here.
Fact.
Kikyo couldn't reach them here.
Also fact.
She was safe.
She looked at Inuyasha, who released her hand to take the bowl of ramen from her mother, sitting down to quickly slurp down the noodles and broth.
She was safe at home.
This too was a fact.
"Eat a little something, and I'll make us a good dinner," her mother said, glancing at Inuyasha before smiling at Kagome. "Are you feeling alright?"
"I'm fine, Mama, just tired is all."
"That's understandable. If you bring down your clothes, I'll start washing them." She took a long sip of her tea. "And I assume that you'll want to go to school on Monday?"
"Uh, yeah, of course," Kagome said, nibbling at her cookie and sipping her tea. "That was the plan. We also need to do some shopping."
"Of course," she said with another smile. "How long are you planning on being here?"
"I—I'm not sure," Kagome avoided looking at her mother. "We were close to the well, and I kinda made Inuyasha come back, so I don't know. We can't stay long though."
"I know, dear."
Kagome yawned, and her mother quickly took her tea cup from her.
"How about a nap before dinner? You look exhausted."
"That sounds like a good idea." Kagome flashed a smile at her, rising from her seat as Inuyasha did the same. "Thanks Mama."
She went up the stairs, hurrying more the closer she got to her room, hearing Inuyasha match her pace. Once inside, she closed her door, and exhaled.
"You okay?" Inuyasha asked, and Kagome launched herself into his chest. She just needed a moment.
"This is helping," she said, burying her face into his chest.
"Do you want to lay down?"
"No, I have homework."
He sighed audibly; she could feel the rise and fall of his chest as his hands lightly patted her back. She pulled away, taking her hands with her, and she leaned over to grab her backpack and take it to her desk, but her shoulder popped loudly in the process, spawning a clawed hand shooing hers away.
"Go sit," he ordered.
"I can carry it," she protested, but he still shoved her, so gently it could barely be called a shove and more like a gentle nudge, towards the bed. "Really, how am I supposed to get stronger if you do everything for me?"
The shift was momentary, but his spine stiffened, eyes widened ever so slightly, and then he was back to normal, waving her on towards the bed. He set the bag down in front of her and sat, scooting himself back until he's leaned back against the wall. He watches her as she unloads her bag, taking out the clothes and tossing them into a pile next to her on the bed, wincing at the some of the stains present.
"It's no different than what you bring back anyway, just tell her it's my blood." Inuyasha offered, crossing his arms. He watched her for a moment longer before closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall with Tetsusaiga laying beside him on the bed.
"I guess," Kagome offered, before taking out the tote she and Sango used for bathing, which actually looked okay, except for Sango's favorite shampoo. Kagome definitely owed her another bottle for everything that she'd done and put up with. But the medical kit was nearly empty. She unlatched the lid, flipping it open with a sigh.
"What?" Inuyasha asked.
"This needs to be completely restocked. We wasted a lot on me."
"They weren't wasted," he countered. "Kept you alive, didn't they?"
"I guess," she answered, giving him a smile, but he grabbed her wrist as it trembled setting the kit aside. She looked up at him, and he glared at her.
"It wasn't a waste," he repeated still holding onto her wrist.
"You're right." She nodded at him, and he released his hold, resettling against the wall, scowling now. "Will you go shopping with me tomorrow?"
"Keh, 'course I will." He kicked one leg out in front of him, shifting into a more comfortable position. "Who do you think's going to carry everything?"
She giggled, and he turned to look at her fully.
"What's so funny?"
"I thought I was going to have to bribe you with ramen to get you to help." He blinked as if not realizing that had even been an option. "I'll still give you ramen for helping though."
"Keh."
Taking out her workbooks, she set them out in front of her before putting her bag on the floor and scooping up her clothes.
"Where are you going?" He asked.
"Taking this to Mama, so they can be washed. Hopefully, she can get out the stains that Sango and I couldn't."
"I'll take them down," he said, shifting off the bed, and taking the small armful from her. "You stay up here. I know you want to."
"But—"
"Work on your school stuff. I heard you talking to Sango earlier about it." He waved her back towards the bed, as he opened her door and headed down the stairs.
Why was he being so—helpful?
Well, she wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth and resettled on the bed, with her pen and pencils, waiting for him to come back.
Inuyasha reappeared little bit later, reclaiming his spot on her bed, but sprawled out on his back, ankles crossed and resting on her footboard. His face was by her thigh, and as she tried to focus on her English, then math, then biology, her frustration mounted at her brain just not working the same way. She rubbed her face with both hands.
"Why'd you stop?" Inuyasha whined, his voice raspy and gravelly from his impromptu nap, ears flicking against her thigh.
"What?" She asked him, and he crinkled his nose as he blindly groped back over his head, hand touching her arm and following it down to her wrist, pulling her hand back down to his head, over his ears. "I was rubbing your ear?"
He made a noise, shifting his head so his nose rested against her thigh, sighing as she started rubbing his ear between her fingers.
She hadn't even realized that she'd been touching him. He never let her rub his ears like this; he'd never asked for it either. It had always been a quick tweak or rub as she walked by, because she knew that he was going to resist and push her away.
But this—this was new.
She felt closer to him. She always liked having him near, but now he was a relief, soothing her paranoia and anxiety just by existing near her.
His face slackened even more, and he let out a short snore.
Smiling, Kagome returned to her homework.
A/N: Heeeey! So I have survived (and so did my puppy!) While her days are still numbered, it looks like we'll get to spend another 12-18 months with her. Thank you guys so much for all the kind words. Last week felt borderline soul-crushing, and to be quite honest, next week will probably be just as bad, but we'll burn that bridge when we get to it.
I really do love hearing from you guys, and the idea of not posting just made the week feel kinda empty and lonely.
I had to split up what would have been one chapter into three, because we were broaching over 12,000 words, and I was dying at editing. So I split it into three-maybe four-parts and it works, strangely enough.
So I hope you enjoyed some of the touchy-feely-ness between these two. It felt like they'd earned it.
