Chapter 47
Arcanum arcanorum
"Secret of secrets"
"We just have to keep going
until we find out what's wrong
or find out why we don't know what's wrong."
—Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
She was calm.
Perfect unattainably calm.
Because she was not going to lose her temper.
Especially after Miroku congratulated her on being able to make her little reiki ball larger than she had yesterday.
Inuyasha was being weird though.
She kept catching him staring at her, though he would jerk his eyes away and back down towards the earth. She struggled to understand why he was so focused in on her lately.
But the fact that he was practically ignoring her now, except for the little blips of attention he was giving her, was driving her up the wall. It was like the moment they arrived in the village, he was putting distance between them, and she couldn't figure out why.
She'd been trying so hard to get her anxiety under control, and then he just bails on her after telling her to learn how to do a barrier and then nothing else. She needed him, her anchor, and he wasn't holding up his end of this invisible bargain.
"Kagome?" Miroku asked.
"What?" She snapped, immediately groaning afterwards. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
He just stared at her for a moment, before clearing his throat.
"I was just going to ask what you were thinking about."
"Nothing in particular, why?"
He frowned.
"Really, nothing?"
Kagome arched an eyebrow at his question, and he matched her look.
"Well, whatever 'nothing' is, your barrier surged up to your shoulders."
"What?" She asked, all her focus dropping completely.
"It was a bubble all the way up to your shoulders," he answered, pointing to her. "So whatever 'nothing' is, it was making a difference."
Kagome's mind blanked. She hadn't even noticed that she'd been increasing the size of it; it hadn't even blipped her radar at all.
Looking down at her hands, she tried it again. She wanted to see it for herself.
She pulled her reiki out, forcing it into the small little barrier.
It reached her elbows and paused. No, she'd done it once, she could do it again.
Feeling her reiki stutter a little at the pressure, she grit her teeth together, pushing it, pressing it harder, but it continued to pulse and stutter, shuddering at her insistence.
Seriously?
It went along with everything just fine, and now it was going to give her issues? Why did it work just fine and dandy with arrows, but not when she willed it? What was the difference?
She growled, and then dug deeper to try and push past whatever speed bump was blocking her from being able to do this one little thing.
If she could make a barrier, they could go shard hunting, and she wanted to go out and be on the road.
She wanted to be normal. She needed to be normal again, and shard hunting was a step closer to that.
Her reiki blipped, rolling over her biceps and holding.
Miroku stared, eyes drifting over the barrier and then her, as she watched the clearly defined circle stay in place.
It was a start and more than she's done in, well, ever.
But she was doing it—with great trials and tribulations apparently—but she was doing it.
"Kagome," Miroku spoke quietly. "You're doing it! You've got a barrier formed!"
She let it fall with a whoosh, wiping her forehead with her sleeve. It took a lot of effort to hold those things up. Effort she wasn't used to.
It was a step in the right direction though, she knew that, but it didn't quite feel like there was progress, even though she knew there was.
But she wanted progress in other areas too.
"Kagome?" Miroku asked, and she avoided looking directly at him for the moment. "Perhaps a break? Maybe we should try something different."
"Can we try shooting arrows?"
"I don't think that Inuyasha—"
"Inuyasha doesn't have a say in this. I want to try shooting an arrow."
He blinked, glancing off in the direction that Sango and Inuyasha had wandered off to.
"I guess. Let's go collect your bow. I believe Kaede has it in the storage room of her hut." He stood, holding his hand out to help her up. She took it, dusting off her jeans once she climbed to her feet.
They started back to the hut in silence.
"Are you sure that it's a good idea with your shoulder? Have you healed completely?"
"I said I want to try, not that I was going to do it."
"Fair enough."
They walked out of the field towards Kaede's hut where they retrieved her bow and Miroku grabbed a couple of arrows.
"Why don't you grab the quiver?" Kagome asked as he held the flap out for her.
"Because I do not wish to incite Inuyasha's anger any more than I will have already."
"He's not going to be angry," Kagome countered as they started for a familiar field that she'd practiced in before.
Miroku scoffed, holding up the hand with arrows. One pointed upright.
"First, we're not going to be where he left us."
The second arrow shifted next to the first.
"Second, you're shooting an arrow."
"I shot arrows all the time before. Why is this a problem?"
Miroku sighed, clearly exasperated.
"Have you not been paying attention to anything?"
"Like what?" Miroku groaned, and she looked up at him as they entered the field.
"I swear, you two are blind."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
He sighed again, tilting his head back as if in frustration.
"You'll see," he mumbled. "Let's go shoot an arrow or two, but when Inuyasha freaks out, you have to promise to save me."
Kagome rolled her eyes.
"He's not going to freak out."
"Promise me, Kagome," he said, loudly. "Promise me that you'll save me."
"I'll keep you safe in a barrier."
Miroku gave her a side-eyed glare.
"You're hilarious." Letting out a long mournful sigh, he paused at the edge of a familiar field where they'd done some target practice in the past. "I'm going to die before I ever marry Sango and have our twenty-three beautiful children."
"Have you checked with Sango on that number?"
He laughed.
"I make the number bigger each time it comes up," he said with a grin.
Kagome held her hand out for an arrow, and Miroku placed it into her open palm but did not relinquish it.
"You're just testing it," he insisted. "If it hurts, you're going to stop," Kagome nodded, "If it looks like it hurts, I'm going to stop you." He raised an eyebrow at this and she nodded again. "Okay." He released the arrow to her, and she met his gaze for a moment before turning away to look at the tree across the field.
She could've hit this before, so she should be able to hit it again.
Nocking the arrow, she dragged in a long breath to settle her nerves.
She brought the bow up, drawing the string back as she felt the tickle of feathers and the strain of her muscles from disuse and injury. Things crackled under the strain, and she struggled to aim at the tree in front of her.
The arrow shook, quaking, and the string slipped from her fingers as she lost her hold; the sudden release sending her backwards, if Miroku hadn't been quick on the draw and stopping her from hitting the ground.
"THE FUCK!" Inuyasha's voice echoed in the clearing.
"Shit! Shitshitshitshit!" Miroku muttered, starting in one direction, stopping and then quickly ducking behind Kagome. "You promised!" He hissed.
Inuyasha stood up from where he'd fallen by the tree she'd just shot with the arrow.
"What the fuck are you doing with arrows?" He shouted from across the field, ripping the arrow out of the tree trunk. "And why the fuck are you shooting at me?"
"I wasn't shooting at you! I didn't even see you!"
Inuyasha marched towards them, and Miroku's hands tightened on her shoulders.
"Saaave me," he sang quietly, ducking down behind her as Inuyasha approached, holding her arrow between two of his fingers.
"Oh hush," she said, waving a hand at him.
"Don't explain why you're shooting arrows," he said, standing in front of her, "with a shoulder that isn't entirely healed yet."
"I told her—"
Inuyasha's glare cut over to him, and he squeaked.
Kagome rolled her eyes.
"I'm perfectly fine, Inuyasha."
His glare shifted back to her.
"You were supposed to stay where I left you," he growled, looking at Miroku over her shoulder.
"It was my idea," she pointed out.
"I'll deal with you in a minute," he snapped, pointing a clawed finger at Miroku. "You were supposed to help her with barriers."
"Yep, I told her that we should stay there, but you know how she is."
"Excuse me!" Kagome shouted.
"Told her this was a very bad idea, and would make you, my very, very dear friend whom I care for deeply, and—"
"Hey!" Kagome shoved Inuyasha, who was now inches away from her.
"See that's why I only brought two arrows! She wanted to bring the whole bunch, but I said no, we should definitely not do that." Miroku cleared his throat.
"You should've told her no to begin with!" He snapped.
Kagome reached out to the hand that was jabbing a finger at Miroku, wrapping her fingers around his wrist.
Inuyasha jolted under her touch, wide eyes darting back to her face, scanning it quickly. Kagome gently dragged his hand down so that she was holding it in both of hers. She let her fingers drag over his knuckles.
"So I'm going to assume that you bailed on Sango?" Kagome asked.
"She's coming," he mumbled.
"So what made you rush all the way over here?"
"You weren't where you're supposed to be," he mumbled, eyes looking off to the side.
"And you just decided that busting into a field and then getting mad and yelling at me like it was my fault for aiming at a tree that you were running in front of?"
"I wasn't angry with you, specifically," he countered, eyes darting over her and presumably at Miroku, who made another squeaking noise.
She rubbed his knuckles with both of her thumbs.
"Sango! Love of my life! And you brought Hiraikotsu! Yay!"
"What is your problem?" Sango snapped as she walked up to them. "You just bailed mid-fight," she continued, marching up to the hanyou in question. Her eyes darted down to their joined hands, and Kagome expected him to jerk away, but he didn't. Instead, his fingers wrapped around hers, keeping her in place.
"What of it? You were slowing down anyway," he said.
Sango sputtered for a moment before collecting herself.
"Slowing down? Slowing down?!" She screeched. "I'll show you slowing down!"
"Ah, my love," Miroku said, quickly darting in between as Inuyasha scooped Kagome up, prepared to leap away. "Inuyasha is obviously having issues today, so let Kagome do whatever it is she does. And we will go somewhere else—far, far away."
"Are you having issues?" Kagome asked, as he held her around the waist with one arm, high enough that her feet dangled.
"I'm fine!" He snapped, watched Miroku lead a fuming Sango away.
"Really?" She asked. "Because you're being kinda rude."
"Will everyone just get off my ass already?"
"Do you want to go on a run?" She asked, intending to come along. It had been forever since he'd taken her running, and she missed it. She missed the gut-clenching leaps and falls and having him hold her tightly as he moved.
She missed the companionship.
"Are you telling me to go?"
She shook her head at the question.
"No, I just thought it might help a little. You seem—tense." He growled lowly, and then huffed. "So, you gonna put me down, or—" He looked away, but set her feet back on the ground, withdrawing his hands too.
She stared at him for a moment, watching his ears twitch, flickering towards her and then away.
"Are you sure that you're okay?"
He glanced at her, arms crossed, but he didn't answer immediately. The longer that he was quiet, the more she began to think that it was her. That Sango and Miroku were wrong, and that she'd screwed up. She'd been too needy. Too touchy with him.
She'd finally done it and driven him off.
"Did I do something?" The words felt like salt in her mouth as she spoke.
"What?" He snapped, wide-eyed.
"Look, whatever it is, I'm sorry. If you'll tell me, I'll—I won't do it again."
This time his arms snapped around her, drawing her close and against him. His arms twined around her, and his cheek rested on her head.
"It's not you. Never you," He whispered.
"Then why?" She asked, wrapping her arms back around his waist.
"People talk," he murmured, clawed fingers running up and down her spine, soothing her upset.
"About what?"
"About everything." She leaned back to look at him, but he looked away from her. "I didn't want to give them anything else."
"You mean that you don't want to be seen—"
"No!" He shook his head, ducking his face into her shoulder. "That's not it! You don't—" He growled in frustration. "You don't hear what I hear."
She waited for him to continue, but he stayed quiet.
"I don't understand."
One of his hands moved to her shoulder blades, hand flattening over her spine.
"People talk, Kagome," he stated as if she simple.
"That is what people do."
He huffed against her shoulder.
"I don't want them talking about you, dummy."
"Why would they talk about me?"
He lifted his head to give her a flat look.
"Don't give me that look."
He ducked his head back into her shoulders.
"So are you going to explain?"
He growled into her collarbone in frustration.
"I've heard them talking about me—and about you. It's not always—nice things."
That wasn't anything new. She'd overheard some of the things that people had said about him, and she'd usually thrown a fit about it. But she hadn't heard them saying anything terrible about her. Sure, there were always the off-handed comments about the way that she dressed, but she'd remedied that to an extent now.
But then it all started to fall into place.
"Is—is that why?" He lifted his head slightly to look at her. "Is that why you've been so distant?"
Her eyes watered. Was that all? He was just worried about her? About what people would say? Didn't he know that none of that mattered to her? That none of that had ever really mattered to her? Especially when it came to him?
He didn't answer her immediately, but she leaned back from him a little to stare him directly in the face.
"I thought that I'd done something wrong."
He stared at her, standing upright, but not fully releasing her.
"Why would you think that?"
She smacked him in the shoulder.
"Because you've practically been ignoring me since we got here."
"I have n—"
She watched his eyes glaze over for a moment as he processed her statement, but then the realization washed over his face as he refocused on her again.
"Kagome," he started.
"Can we just go back to the way things were in my room?" Her hands reached up to grab onto his haori. "I felt better."
"People will talk," he argued.
"So?" If it meant that he would be with her again, then she wouldn't care what anyone else said about her. Or at least that's what she told herself.
"Kagome," he started, and she shook her head.
"Please," she whispered, grabbing a fistful of his fire rat.
She knew that it was wrong, but it felt too much like she was worth nothing if he wanted so little to do with her.
"I can't do this by myself." She wasn't going to cry. She wasn't going to cry and manipulate him into giving into her demands.
"You're not doing anything by yourself, idiot," he growled, holding onto her elbows. "I was doing it to protect you."
Kagome hummed.
"Less protecting, okay?" He snorted but gathered her back up into a hug.
Kagome knelt down in front of her bag as the others prepared dinner, digging and rooting around the piles of clothes and supplies that she'd shoved in there.
She dug out the small, now crumpled and smashed, box that she'd placed in the bottom of her bag, swearing to herself that she didn't need to know.
She would be better off not knowing, she'd promised herself.
But that had been a lie, hadn't it?
She wasn't better for not knowing, instead the idea had rooted and festered in her brain until everything else was tainted by it. She'd had a moment of clarity in the meadow, and this was the only big thing left unresolved.
She shoved the box underneath her pillow.
Tonight.
Kagome stared out the window, watching the moon move across the sky. The box was under her pillow, and her fingers brushed against the edge of it. She was anxious.
Part of her still didn't want to know.
But the rest of her knew that if she didn't address this, then she wasn't going to get past it. It would always hang over her head, dancing just on the edge of her consciousness.
She realized that now.
Lifting her head, she looked over at Inuyasha, who was slumped back against the wall in his usual position. Grabbing the box, she carefully slid out from under the blankets, pushing herself up to her feet, while keeping an eye on the dozing hanyou at the door.
To be frank, she was surprised that she'd managed to get away with this as long as she had. Every time she snuck out at night, she kept expecting to see him following her when she glanced over her shoulder.
Ducking out past the door mat, she quickly ran towards the trees, going in deeper than she had been in order to pee on a stick in private.
Kagome tore open the package, pulling out the little stick and taking a breath.
She wasn't pregnant. She'd know by now.
Right?
Right.
This was just—confirming what she already knew. That's all.
She rolled it around in her fingers, staring at it.
And if she was?
She'd deal with it.
Right.
She'd deal with it.
Glancing in the direction of Kaede's hut, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
Now or never.
Kagome pushed down her pants and squatted over the stick.
Kagome sat in the dark at the edge of the woods, facing Kaede's hut as she waited for the little lines to form. Or not form.
Hopefully not form.
One line meant not pregnant.
Two lines meant pregnant.
She'd tried meditating three times and failed as her leg bounced while she averted her gaze from the pee stick. A watched pot never boils and all that, so if she didn't look at it, then she'd get her answer faster. At least, that's how it should work in theory.
The box said three minutes.
How long was three minutes supposed to take?
When she was certain that three minutes, and probably then some, had passed, she took a steadying breath.
Looking up at the moon and the stars, she flipped the stick over in her hand, and looked down.
One line meant not pregnant.
Two lines meant pregnant.
She squinted in the dark, looking for the lines, but there was only one.
There was only one.
She took a breath, a long shudder that rattled her chest.
There was only one!
She wasn't—
She wasn't pregnant.
Kagome covered her mouth as she muffled a sob.
She wasn't—
She looked to the sky and grinned, wiping her damp cheeks with the back of her hand. Shoving everything back into the box it'd come out of, she pushed herself up from the ground, walking back to Kaede's hut.
Stepping back inside the storage room, she shoved the box into her backpack, intending to burn it later, and crawled into her blankets as the heaviness of the past few days dragged her back into sleep.
A/N: I hope you guys liked the chapter and the resolution of the "Pregnant?" arc.
We're currently experiencing our tropical-ized version of the winter storm. The low is 24 degrees tonight, and let me tell you, for the deep south, that's a problem. We are not meant for weather this cold; our houses are meant to disperse heat, not retain it. I have four layers of quilts and a sherpa blanket on my bed right now, and my cat is loving it. So one of us is happy. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in two hoodies, a pair of pajama pants, wool socks, and house shoes.
I am not built for cold.
